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I'm Feeling Empty and Completely Lost
CaringMate
Posted: Monday, December 10, 2018 2:47 PM
Joined: 9/5/2018
Posts: 77


I have been a longtime user of the caregiver message board, but today is the first time I am posting on this message board and I am grateful that it is here.  I lost my partner of 20 years, 5 weeks ago and I am on an emotional roller coaster trying to figure out where I go from here.  I was my partner's 24/7 caregiver for the last 18 of 20 years we were together and the last 10 years have been devoted to dealing with his Alzheimer's and FTD dementia.  He was always a very difficult man, but I loved him none the less and stayed with him in Hospice for his final days.  He died in my arms being told how much he was loved and he went peacefully which was a blessing.  

For the first 3 weeks following his death, I could hear him screaming in my head about everything I was doing which was typical for him.  As I was cleaning out our house and his things, getting it ready for me to have to move, he wouldn't stop yelling at me that I wasn't doing things right or at a necessary yard sale, I could hear him saying I was selling things too inexpensively - more to the point..."Do you know how much I paid for that?"  Then the voice just stopped and I haven't heard it since.  

My partner had a large collection of musical instruments that he collected over the course of many years.  I was able to donate those instruments to a very worthy charity that helps young musicians with the cost of classes and offers students an opportunity to learn how to play music.  It is a wonderful, wonderful charity and worthy of this donation.  I wrote a memorial piece honoring my partner and his love of music and it was published in the charity's newsletter that gets sent out worldwide.  A beautiful photo of him was also included.  That's when he stopped talking to me in my head.  Since then, not a word...no angry diatribes or anything else.  I hope he knows how he was honored and that what I did will allow for his love and legacy to live on through the lives of these deserving children, I just wish I could hear him again...the silence is deafening to me.  Maybe it is too soon to be seeing a vision or feeling his spiritual being.  Perhaps it will never come, but for those of you who have had this experience you are very lucky to know that your loved one is with you.  I hope that happens for me.


Wgonzo
Posted: Tuesday, December 11, 2018 8:39 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


Dear CaringMate,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been married for 33 years and can't imagine the loss of your better half. I took care of my parents and my mom passed earlier this year from AD.

It's only been a few weeks for you and your emotions are raw. But, donating his instruments to needy children is such a loving act. His love of music will continue on and therefore he will live on, too.

The loss is very real and always with us, but we need to find a way to honor their memory in a positive way and you did.

As time passes you will eventually adjust to the new normal, but take it slowly. Don't be hard on yourself when you don't have any energy to do anything. One day at a time.

Please continue to come here and get the support you need.

Wendy


CaringMate
Posted: Tuesday, December 11, 2018 4:30 PM
Joined: 9/5/2018
Posts: 77


Thank you Wendy for your kindness, compassion and support.
It is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Elaine


loveuforever
Posted: Tuesday, December 11, 2018 5:34 PM
Joined: 12/11/2018
Posts: 2


Hello,

I would love to tel you it gets easier but it doesn't.  What it gets is livable.  You will begin to do each day as you always have done but it will feel like something is missing.  You will learn to cope and sometimes even laugh or cry at a certain thing that reminds you of how special they were.  I lost my mother six months ago.  Today is her birthday, it hurts.  But she would not want me to wallow in depression but instead remember the love we shared and all the good times we had.  I commend you for being able to begin the healing process and donate some of their things.  I have yet to let go of the items in her room and slowly I am cleaning things out.  It will take me time but I will get there.  Thank you for sharing.


Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, December 12, 2018 8:08 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259


Hello Elaine:

I'm sending you lots of love and strength.  There is no rule book for grief unfortunately, we all lay out our own somber path. Please come here to vent, we are good listeners. Always here to chat if you ever need to. 

xoxoxox -Kat


Tink4495
Posted: Wednesday, December 12, 2018 11:28 PM
Joined: 5/2/2014
Posts: 761


Elaine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your loving partner. I think what you did by donating his instruments would make him very happy. Knowing that his legacy is living on in the children that will be so fortunate to enjoy them. Music has such a healing power, it has always taken me to my happy place. Those kids will truly enjoy and love them. That was a very loving thing for you to do.

Grieve at your own pace, You will be on an emotional roller coaster and that is very normal. Take one day at a time and remember to breath. Cherish all the wonderful memories that you were lucky enough to have over the many good years before this disease,

Know you are never alone here on the boards. Now is the time to also do something special for you. A long weekend, short vacation, spa day, etc. Sending soft hugs during this difficult time.


Linda Louise
Posted: Saturday, December 22, 2018 1:08 AM
Joined: 2/19/2015
Posts: 263


You can't know how much I feel for you.
CaringMate
Posted: Saturday, December 22, 2018 10:03 AM
Joined: 9/5/2018
Posts: 77


Much gratitude to all who have responded to my posting.
Six weeks have passed and it still feels like yesterday, but
the comments you have all written warm my heart and are
helping me to get through this.

Many Blessings to all,

Elaine

 


Sheen66
Posted: Sunday, December 23, 2018 10:26 PM
Joined: 6/10/2018
Posts: 53


You are feeling “normal.” 

I hate that there is nothing else to say other than to assure you should find this side of the message board is filled with love and compassion. 

Do be gentle with yourself. 


MissHer
Posted: Friday, December 28, 2018 6:48 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2368


Elaine

I lost a husband when I was young. It's pretty normal to feel lost and alone. I remember the dark and gloomy feeling but some day the clouds will disappear and the sun will shine again. I'm so sorry about your loss. 

I really hope that all of you widows and widowers find love again. 

hugs

Deb