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Song That Helps Me Move Forward!
Needing Support
Posted: Friday, December 14, 2018 6:52 AM
Joined: 2/17/2014
Posts: 122


Granted by Josh Groban


Granted Helps Me Move Forward With My Healing Process!

Needing Support

dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, December 30, 2018 11:58 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1898

 Never take a single breath for granted. Great words, great song. Thank you for sharing it.

My mother-in-law's sister passed away the day after Christmas. A few days earlier, the previous weekend, my husband and I took MIL for an overnight trip to see her. They said their goodbyes and MIL had some closure, but of course it was still hard. It was the second time since my own mom died last May that I've been with someone in the days before their passing.  

It feels like life's troubles have snowballed lately. The day after my mom died, my son called, not to say, "I'm sorry about Grandma. I loved her dearly and will miss her." No, he called me to say I was a rotten person and he wanted nothing more to do with me. Apparently I am a selfish person who only thinks about myself and cares nothing for others. During the conversation it was revealed that he had been going to counseling, and the counselor told him that every stress he has in his life is because of me. I had damaged him in childhood, and he needed to tell me this, and then cut ties.  Everything I said was refuted, and at the end of the call, he cited how many minutes we'd been talking, and had even counted how much of that time I'd talked versus how much he'd said. The times he stated were nearly even, but because I had technically talked more, that proved that I am a truly selfish person. 

Two and a half years ago I returned to school. I have one class to go before earning my degree. As  I was getting ready to leave on the Friday before Christmas to take my mother-in-law to see her sister, I received an e-mail from the college stating that I had not met the requirements and unless I could show that I have done so, I would be removed from the program and my degree would not be awarded. I have done all the work, have kept in communication with my advisor, and had ordered transcripts to be sent from another school where I'd taken some of the classes, which had been part of the academic plan.  The registrar and my advisor are out of the office until after the 1st, so I feel stuck right now, not knowing what will happen with the past two plus years' work I put in. 

My husband's issues are still happening but for now he's doing well; no serious decline, but also no improvement.  I'd glad things are going well but sad for him, because he talks about doing things he will never do. 

In all this, I feel like I have no choice but to keep moving forward. I do pray and am working on improving my own faith, which helps.  I have down days where things feel hopeless. I hear my son's voice in my head saying the dreadful things he said. I listen to my husband talk about buying that motorhome and traveling the country together, and just agree or redirect. I wonder if I'll hold that paper in my hand that validates the past two years' work.  And through it all, I just miss my mom so badly it hurts.

But I still feel the need to live my life, have peace, and not take anything for granted. This song was a good reminder. I love youtube songs that have the lyrics on screen, so that I can actually read and internalize the lyrics. 

Thank you for sharing this song. It is a good one and deeply moving. 

Posted: Monday, December 31, 2018 7:28 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259

Wow Deb, that is a lot to process.  You seriously need a vacation to relax and release.  If I may be so frank, it sounds to me like your son has a bit of the "it's not me it's you" syndrome. He's trying to deflect his own shortcomings on you.  I'm so sorry he's made you feel any worse than you already do. I have nothing to offer except my ear/eyes if you'd ever like to chat......if only just to vent.  Any time, I'll be happy to listen/read.  Wishing you peace for yourself and praying that your husband stays well for as long as possible.  Missing our mothers will never go away but I wish for you happy memories.

sending hugs and strength to you.  xoxoxoxox -Kat

dutiful deb
Posted: Monday, December 31, 2018 12:04 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1898

Thank you, Kat. Yes, you are right about my son. He was not always like this; something happened over the past year to bring on such changes.  My feeling is that he and his wife took on too much, too soon. They are both intelligent, ambitious, and successful. The more they have, the more they want. Money and success have become their priorities. There is nothing wrong with having ambitions, but they seem to have become obsessed with it. They are surrounded by people from a different world than the one in which they grew up, and they are seeing a new side of life that seems to appeal to them. Unfortunately, their sense of altruism has been lost as they seek to climb their ladders of success. Perhaps they will one day get a wake-up call that will shake them from their pedestal, but for now, I have had to learn what it is to really let a child go. 

My husband and I took a few days off this week and drove to the ocean. I've had to make changes in order to create a more comfortable traveling experience for both of us, but I'm glad he is able to travel. In October we flew to Arkansas to visit my sister and her family; all of us drove to Gulf Shores, Alabama where my brother-in-law had rented a condo, and we took our time driving through the states on the way down and back, stopping to see as many sights as we could. On that trip, my husband's impairment was evident to my sister and her husband. His actions weren't really problematic, but were different than his normal self and enough to be apparent to them. They were kind, accommodating, and understanding, and I know that I at least have that part of my family in my corner. 

Thanks again, and Happy New Year. 

Needing Support, I hope you will stop by this board again. The song you shared was wonderful. I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but I find music to be therapeutic.  My mom and I listened to a wide range of songs together; it was one of the ways we connected that lasted until the end. Now music helps me cope and heal, and as you said, it helps me move on when I am ready. 



jb crick
Posted: Sunday, January 13, 2019 9:25 PM
Joined: 8/2/2016
Posts: 636

dutiful deb wrote:

Thank you, Kat. Yes, you are right about my son. He was not always like this; something happened over the past year to bring on such changes.  My feeling is that he and his wife took on too much, too soon. They are both intelligent, ambitious, and successful. The more they have, the more they want.


Perhaps, in your son's ambition to climb that ladder of success he has discovered his ladder is leaning against the wrong wall!

I often hear of people being told while receiving counseling that there problems are due to their childhood and therefore are someone else's fault. I see this as a cop out from an lazy or poorly trained counselor who is simply unable to help a patient move forward in a positive and responsible way.

People receive an owners manual with everything of high value they get... except their children, and to make matters worse, every model seems to be unique. I don't believe most parents intentionally want to be bad parents. And even with all the information and advice available, sometimes it just doesn't apply to the model they have. But they still do the best they can.

I think counselors would serve their patients better if they would stop with the "blame game" and teach them that while they cannot change their past, they can change how they respond to it.

Go easy on yourself, you have a lot on your plate.

dutiful deb
Posted: Monday, January 14, 2019 10:52 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1898

jb crick, 

Thank you for your kind words. My children truly had a wonderful, well-rounded, positive upbringing. I agree with everything you said.  

The hardest part has been grieving for my mom while also grieving for the loss of a relationship with my son. I'm also, in a different way, grieving over the changed relationship with my husband. His personality has undergone such a change that started about 5 years ago but has been really pronounced over the past years.  There is some memory loss, mostly short-term, but also some problems with recalling timelines and events accurately. He remembers an event, but adds to the story or thinks something that happened in his young adulthood took place when he was a child. While we all experience this to some extent, it just seems different with him. He perseverates over it, going over and over things that he can't just remember quite right. The changes in behavior are, for me, harder to take than the memory loss. 

 Recently he talked about all these things he used to do that he wants to start up again, so he "can get his life back."  A good friend recently revealed to me that my husband had said he doesn't know what's wrong with his mind.  

It's all so sad, but at the same time I find I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time. The sun still rises and sets and life still happens, so I have to keep happening right along with it. Sigh.