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My person with dementia passed away yesterday
KawKaw
Posted: Tuesday, March 10, 2020 2:14 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 341


My mother died yesterday afternoon after 24 hours on Comfort Care hospice in the hospital.

I spent her last 50 hours with her in the hospital.

She had declined rapidly and was hospitalized for head pain and weakness and not wanting to eat.

I chose hospice care after assessments by two doctors.  

She was still verbal and was very confused, frightened and in pain.  My sister or I were with her without a break from ERs of two hospitals, then admittance to the second hospital. 

After the comfort meds were started, she was pain and fear free through to the end.  We talked to her though she was not responsive.  People far away were able to call and we put the phone to her ear so they could say their goodbyes.  We talked to her of memories and recent family news.

It was fairly sudden, and I haven't had time to process it all yet.

I did not want her to die yet am grateful she is not suffering any more.


jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, March 10, 2020 7:54 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19264


It is always sad to "welcome" someone to what we call stage 8 but I do welcome you and hope you will find the kindness and support I have found here.
TessC
Posted: Wednesday, March 11, 2020 1:20 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5177


I'm sorry for the loss of your dear mother. It is good that her last days were without fear and pain. I sincerely hope the coming days will go smoothly after all these hard and sad years of caring for your mother and that you will find comfort in knowing we care.
elainechem
Posted: Wednesday, March 11, 2020 5:15 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


I am so sorry for your loss. Like you, I didn't want my husband to die, but I'm so grateful that he isn't suffering anymore.
KawKaw
Posted: Wednesday, March 11, 2020 10:43 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 341


Stage 8 is an appropriate term.

Thank you for the welcome.  Though none of us wants to be here, it is the right place to be.
I appreciate the caring and support.  Thank you!

 


bunifoot
Posted: Friday, March 13, 2020 6:11 PM
Joined: 12/26/2018
Posts: 35


i am so sorry for your loss.

KawKaw
Posted: Sunday, March 15, 2020 11:36 AM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 341


Many thanks.  Anticipatory grief before her death doesn't seem to have diminished the grief upon her passing.

We are postponing our gathering to share stories about her until after the health crisis has passed.


Melby
Posted: Thursday, April 9, 2020 1:56 PM
Joined: 5/22/2015
Posts: 32


What has helped you the most in trying to move one after the death of your care-recipient?  Are there things you would not recommend doing?  Where there any "helps" as you brought closure?
elainechem
Posted: Thursday, April 9, 2020 9:19 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


I lost my husband of 32 years. To me, there is no "moving on" or "closure". The pain lessens over time. You learn to live with the sadness. You begin to feel joy at the happy memories. It's a process and it takes time. How much time is highly individual. I think that, if you're still feeling crushing grief after, say, six months or so, you should probably get some grief counseling. Join a support group for people who are grieving. There's a program that meets in churches called Grief Share. I went to one meeting before the virus forced it to stop. I don't know if I'll go back. My local Alzheimer's Association started a support group for those who are grieving last year. I went to one meeting before they had to stop. I'll definitely go back to that one when it starts up again. I already knew those people from the regular support group. Sadly, the number of people who may join that group has increased a bit. But you don't "get over" the loss of someone you loved dearly. You just adapt slowly and take it one day at a time.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Thursday, April 9, 2020 11:01 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 864


Melby wrote:
What has helped you the most in trying to move one after the death of your care-recipient?  Are there things you would not recommend doing?  Where there any "helps" as you brought closure?
Melby,

I would recommend you not wait too long to get counseling if you are struggling.

 
I lost my wife last August.  Prior to her death, a Hospice nurse told me it takes a year to just begin to feel normal again after the LO dies. She recommended I go into Grief Counseling ASAP.

I blacked out three days the first week of her death. The third blackout really scared me and I got an emergency appointment with a Hospice Counselor. It took six months for me to start to come to terms with my wife's death. I'm still in therapy and learning something with each session.

That's what I'd recommend you not do - delay getting help if you feel you need it.


Skittles412
Posted: Tuesday, April 14, 2020 9:26 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 258


Lots of love coming your way.  It's so hard to watch our loved ones go through this terrible disease.  You are very lucky to have been there in her last moments.  That is a treasure.  I lost my mom two years ago this June 6th and it still hurts very much.  It's a pain that just never goes away.  Be kind to yourself and reach out to any of us here if you need to talk.  Being isolated will help you mourn on your own terms but you will need to vent as well.  Take care kawkaw.

- xoxoxo Kat


star26
Posted: Saturday, May 16, 2020 10:21 PM
Joined: 2/6/2018
Posts: 486


KawKaw, I hope you will see this message since I am late in seeing this post. Well, I'm late because I didn't need to be on this forum until Thursday when my father unexpectedly passed away. I hadn't seen you post for a while on the regular caregivers forum and since you had mentioned previously that you were tending to your own medical concerns for a while, I was concerned. Now I know. I'm so sorry about your Mom.  I really understand your pain. I had always kept an eye out for your posts on the board because we had some similarities in our dementia caregiving challenges. And here we are, in the same boat together again. I hope some of the grief is being replaced by some peace and comfort. It doesn't feel like I can ever feel okay again but people say it will happen. I also hope I see you on these boards again because your posts were always so loving and helpful, both to me and others. Take Care.
dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, May 17, 2020 11:05 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1885


KawKaw,

I am so sorry about your Mom. I wish you peace and comfort now and in the days to come.  There will be ups and downs, and I hope you continue to come here for comfort and support.  


TessC
Posted: Sunday, May 17, 2020 10:34 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5177


@star26 I am sorry for the sudden passing of your father. May he rest in peace and may you also begin to heal. Take care.
KawKaw
Posted: Thursday, May 21, 2020 7:50 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 341


Oh Star, I am so very sorry about your father passing.  Thank you for your kindness.  I feel deeply for your loss.  For both our loss.
CaregiverSon
Posted: Monday, June 29, 2020 6:39 PM
Joined: 6/29/2020
Posts: 2


No, anticipatory grief did not at all diminish my grief when I lost my mom to Alzheimer's in 2017.  I also realized that having been a primary caregiver greatly increased the grief as that level of care creates a deep and different attachment.

You can be thankful for the blessing that neither you nor your mom had to deal with her disease during this covid-19 pandemic where you would not have been able to be with her.  I cannot imagine how I would have dealt with that. 

You can also be thankful for the blessing that you were with your mom when she passed.  I too am grateful that I had that blessing because I know it is not always possible.

My prayers go out to you as you progress through your stages of grief.  Enjoy the memories.


Garybock
Posted: Sunday, July 26, 2020 5:15 PM
Joined: 8/2/2018
Posts: 10


My person with dementia is going to die within the next 24 hours.  My wife of 42 years has been in hospice care for a month.  She is not accepting food and liquid. They tell me she isn't refusing but rather may have forgotten how to shallow.  Even with the virus restrictions I am able to sit with her the past two days.  I have been playing music, reading and simply talking to her about past events in our life.  Any additional suggestions ??
KawKaw
Posted: Monday, July 27, 2020 7:22 AM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 341


I grieve with you.

My only suggestion is to take care of your needs as much as possible during your vigil.

The music, the reading and the sound of your voice must be comforting to your wife.  My thoughts are with you both.


Skittles412
Posted: Monday, July 27, 2020 10:49 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 258


Gary just be there, hold her hand and tell her you love her.  It will help her to know she is not alone and is loved before her transition.  We did this for my mom and I know she was at peace before she left us.  Sending strength and comfort to you during this most difficult time.

xoxoxo -Kat


TessC
Posted: Monday, July 27, 2020 12:57 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5177


I'm sorry your wife is at this sad stage. What you are doing now is the best thing that you can do for her at this time. It is a comfort to her to have you near by and will also comfort you in the weeks and months to come. Take care. I'll be thinking of your dear wife today, Garybock.
Howdygo4it
Posted: Saturday, August 1, 2020 4:08 AM
Joined: 8/1/2020
Posts: 1


The wound never quite heals, the scar remains, sometimes, a memory of something like a cloud, a shadow, a rainbow, the sunlight through the trees and they are there.

It squeezes out tears or a smile. The thought of what they would of said before the thief took them from me. You don’t move on. You live on. It cost the heart, so you file that away and remember. We will always remember.

My father died Christmas Day 2018, of vascular dementia. The label of the thief does not matter, we all are in the same boat. My heart is with you.


Garybock
Posted: Sunday, August 2, 2020 8:54 PM
Joined: 8/2/2018
Posts: 10


So sad for your loss.

Tomorrow I will do the eulogy at the funeral service for my 65 year old wife of 41 years that died last week.  

She suffered from dementia for 5 years and was placed in hospice care one month ago.  She was a beautiful person and had the greatest laugh and love for family. She will be greatly missed.  


TessC
Posted: Sunday, August 2, 2020 10:22 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5177


Garybock, I hope tomorrow's funeral will go smoothly and you get the all the love and support you need from your family and friends. You have suffered a great loss. There are no words, expect to said we care.