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Quarantine Laughs.
A losing hand.
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 5:42 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Stuck in the middle
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 6:11 PM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


DW and I grinned at that!
Crushed
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 6:45 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6088


I keep getting these Emails titled "Knock Knock

". 

When you open it its Jehovah's witnesses working from home



steved64
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 7:06 PM
Joined: 6/2/2017
Posts: 37


I saw this one a few weeks ago when people first started WFH, before
more widespread lockdowns:

 

My cleaning lady left a note informing me she will be working from home,
with instructions for what I should do.
Stuck in the middle
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 7:53 PM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


I have to go to the bank.  Is it more dangerous to wear a mask, or no?
zauberflote
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 7:58 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 1370


I laughed out loud at Losing Hand's and Crushed's! I keep getting emails of various orchestras around the world performing (from the musicians' individual homes) the Ode To Joy from Beethoven 9. Masterpieces of sound engineering but not funny.

There is a very funny video out there (I saw it on my NPR app maybe yesterday) of a locked-in UK family performing their rewrite of a song from Les Mis. 


towhee
Posted: Thursday, April 2, 2020 10:38 PM
Joined: 10/6/2017
Posts: 36


Chris Mann Music on You Tube  "Thank you to the Frontline" and Locked Inside--really good
abc123
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 1:19 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1323


LOL! Thanks!
A losing hand.
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 10:22 AM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


Imagine surviving all that unprotected sex, just to die from an unprotected handshake.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 10:45 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 862


Stuck in the middle wrote:
I have to go to the bank.  Is it more dangerous to wear a mask, or no?
It might be if you hand the teller a note that says "This is a withdrawal!"

Stuck in the middle
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 10:49 AM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


I scored some TP at the supermarket yesterday, but they were out of Kleenex again.  What next, corncobs?
feudman
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 12:16 PM
Joined: 6/5/2014
Posts: 1536


Consumer Reports ranks corncobs mid-range in efficiency, but very low in comfort. In addition, they completely failed the flush test.

When I was about 14, two of my classmates thought it would be funny to wear bandanas & take along a toy gun to withdraw some money from their accounts. They did in fact pass a note to the teller that they were there to make a withdrawal. Cops quickly showed up with REAL guns drawn & it cost their parents a boatload of money to bail them out of jail & get their criminal records expunged. Not recommended!


Army_Vet60
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 1:13 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 862


I just found out I have to cross "Visit Blaine Idaho" off the top of my Bucket List.
SuzD
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 4:26 PM
Joined: 3/26/2018
Posts: 126


You thought dogs were hard to train.

Look at all the humans  that can’t sit and stay.

Army vet-   Very sad to see what’s happened in Blaine county.   I’m sure the outbreak in Blaine was caused by all the international winter ski travel to SunValley (middle of Blaine County)  the area is among the most beautiful in my state, although I’m partial to my hometown of Coeur d alene-  far North Idaho. 

 


Crushed
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 4:31 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6088


SuzD wrote:

You thought dogs were hard to train.

Look at all the humans  that can’t sit and stay.

Army vet-   Very sad to see what’s happened in Blaine county.   I’m sure the outbreak in Blaine was caused by all the international winter ski travel to SunValley (middle of Blaine County)  the area is among the most beautiful in my state, although I’m partial to my hometown of Coeur d alene-  far North Idaho. 

 


Its a huge domestic travel destination.  Americans brought this disease from overseas. 


SuzD
Posted: Friday, April 3, 2020 5:50 PM
Joined: 3/26/2018
Posts: 126


Crushed wrote:
SuzD wrote:

You thought dogs were hard to train.

Look at all the humans  that can’t sit and stay.

Army vet-   Very sad to see what’s happened in Blaine county.   I’m sure the outbreak in Blaine was caused by all the international winter ski travel to SunValley (middle of Blaine County)  the area is among the most beautiful in my state, although I’m partial to my hometown of Coeur d alene-  far North Idaho. 

 


Its a huge domestic travel destination.  Americans brought this disease from overseas. 

Yes, I probably should have said it’s a travel destination for the wealthy, not just domestic or international.   


Nowhere
Posted: Saturday, April 4, 2020 11:06 AM
Joined: 10/26/2019
Posts: 240


In attempting to keep the surfaces clean I am washing everything down more frequently. DH likes to shadow and assist in the effort. He must have deemed the almost full pepper shaker dirty as I later found it soaking in the sink.
A losing hand.
Posted: Saturday, April 4, 2020 11:49 AM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


The Coronavirus has achieved what no female has ever been able to achieve.                        It has cancelled sports, closed all the bars and kept all the guys at home.
Stuck in the middle
Posted: Saturday, April 4, 2020 11:51 AM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


Cartoon in the paper featured a bunch of dogs around a conference table.  The top dog at the head of the table says "The coronavirus plan worked.  Our people are staying home with us more."
A losing hand.
Posted: Wednesday, April 8, 2020 1:26 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


I know I've never been all that attractive, but lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Stuck in the middle
Posted: Wednesday, April 8, 2020 2:55 PM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


Movies to watch during quarantine:

Passengers

Home Alone

The Martian

Castaway


Army_Vet60
Posted: Wednesday, April 8, 2020 4:05 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 862


Stuck in the middle wrote:

Movies to watch during quarantine:

Passengers

Home Alone

The Martian

Castaway

I have some Pandemic classics for a rainy quarantined day:
Five (1951) - A radioactive pandemic leaves only five survivors.

The Last Man on Earth (964) - A pandemic leaves Vincent Price in a world full of zombie vampires.

The Omega Man (1971) - A pandemic leaves Charlton Heston stuck between hippies and zombie albinos.

Thankfully, Corona Virus hasn't resulted in Zombie Vampires, Albino Zombies, or Hippies.....yet.


Beachfan
Posted: Wednesday, April 8, 2020 9:43 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 591


It’s like I’m 16 again.......gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
A losing hand.
Posted: Thursday, April 9, 2020 6:01 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


Turns out I just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce.
38Winks
Posted: Friday, April 10, 2020 1:11 AM
Joined: 3/7/2020
Posts: 90


A homeschooling mom got a call from her son in his bedroom. He missed the bus today a won’t be able to make it.
Iris L.
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2020 12:47 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16702


Not a quarantine laugh but a quarantine smile:

https://youtu.be/MMBh-eo3tvE

 

Iris L.


Stuck in the middle
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2020 10:51 AM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


Saw a Doc on TV saying while staying home we should focus on inner peace.  To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we could all use more calm in our lives.  I looked through the house to find things I had started and not finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodel of Bailey's, a butle of wum, mainder of Valimum scriptuns, an a box of choclat.  Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.  Sned this to all who need inner p-ss.  An telum u luvum.  And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!
LadyTexan
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2020 10:58 AM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 728


Very funny midStuckdle!
A losing hand.
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2020 2:43 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


Meanwhile in other news, Snow White is down to six dwarfs. Apparently Sneezy is in quarantine.
Stuck in the middle
Posted: Saturday, April 18, 2020 10:24 AM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


A losing hand. wrote:
I know I've never been all that attractive, but lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
If you want to meet women, put a potato in the front of your jeans.  If you want people behind you in line to give you plenty of room, move it to the back.

Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 8:25 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16702


My newspaper from Southern California News Group, sponsored a limerick contest regarding pets, since April was Humor, Poetry and Pet month wrapped into one.  Here is one of the limericks.

 

My poor puppy is confused

For his training is going unused

I taught him to shake

That was a mistake

Because handshakes must now be refused.

By Craig D. Hardwick


A losing hand.
Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 8:52 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


Back in the day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled "last call"
A losing hand.
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2020 2:47 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 334


Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

Stuck in the middle
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2020 2:57 PM
Joined: 6/4/2017
Posts: 885


I have washed my hands so much, I found the answers to an 8th grade math test.

 


Donr
Posted: Thursday, June 25, 2020 4:49 AM
Joined: 4/6/2014
Posts: 569


Thank you all for bringing back some smiles.