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Finding someone new
elainechem
Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2020 9:40 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


I have heard of widows or widowers who remarry within months after the loss of their spouse. I'm trying to figure out how in the heck they do that. They must have known the person before their spouse died, I guess. Anyway,  I joined an online dating site because it's free and I'm lonely. I've been lonely for a long time. Hubby stopped being my bff sometime in 2013 when his personality underwent a serious change for the worse.

So how I can meet someone new? Once in awhile, I talk to someone on that dating site. But, once a man finds out how recently I lost my husband, they stop talking to me. Except for scammers. I have a feeling that I will have that same problem in real life once the world reopens for business. Nobody will talk to me until they feel that I've had a proper period of mourning. How is it that others feel that they can determine how long I must grieve before I can meet someone new? Okay, I met one nice man online, but he's reluctant to talk to me because he's somehow convinced that I will meet someone closer to me. This man lives in southern California and I live in Albuquerque. I'm frustrated and still lonely.



Army_Vet60
Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2020 10:52 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 959


Elaine,

Before I met my wife Sandy, I was divorced and raising two daughters as a single parent.

My daughters encouraged me to date again. They knew I liked to dance and gave me the address to a place that held a Singles only dance every Thursday. I started going there and I met Sandy six months later.

You could make a list of your interests and where you might meet others locally who have one of those interests.

You've mentioned being religious. Are you a member of a church that has social functions for single people? That's another way to start dating.

Are you friends with any single men? You could try having some friendship lunches to see if there might be more to one of your male friends.

You mention corresponding with a man in California. Are you considering relocating to another state if you meet someone through the internet?

In nearby Baltimore here, there are organizations that arrange social functions where singles get together in groups get to interview each other for several minutes to get a first impression. 

Those are some suggestions off the top of my head from recalling being single 14 years ago.

The times may have changed concerning some of those.


ladyzetta
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2020 10:59 AM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1289


Dear Elaine,

I like the ideas that Army gave you. In my little town they have singles groups. I am not interested in finding another mate but if I was I would start there.

I have seen some good relation ships found on the internet and i have seen some bad ones. One of my sons met one and married her and it turned out to be a disaster.

Right now you are lonely may not make the right decisions so please be careful.  Hugs Zetta


Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2020 11:15 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11564


Hello Elaine, I understand your feelings and what you are saying.  Unfortunately, this is a very difficult time to begin to try and make personal contacts for dating with individuals, especially with those we do not know. Social isolation needs in itself presents some interesting challenges and dating sites also have their challenges.

This is also a time when you are a bit more vulnerable.  If you seem a bit too anxious or appear at all needy, this will affect the responses you receive.  One must be very careful and be based in reality when using an online dating service.  Sometimes we just need to talk to others; unfortunately, dating sites are not always the best place for this as we never know for sure just who is on the other side of the electronic tether.

The best way to go about this would be to begin to address your overall loneliness first.  As the restrictions on our movements permit, it would be helpful to join groups that begin to get you outside yourself in a more general manner.  Reading groups; church groups; hobby groups; volunteer groups; taking a class when classes are once again able to be offered in person; outdoor groups such as hiking or bicycling or "pickle ball," etc.  As you meet others and gain some socialization in a broader sense, you will begin to heal and feel less alone.  You may well also meet nice single men in such groups too.  Once you are agan in "the swim" of things, the other will come naturally.

As for marrying in the first year after a spouses death; many do already know the person they marry; others will meet someone else in the same psychological predicament; a dating site does not guarantee someone wants a quick marriage or permanent relationship; and . . . . some have come to regret their decision to marry so swiftly.

All over the U.S. there are groups called, "Meet Up."  This is not a dating service; they are located in each city and meet according to interests or just to socialize.  Gender are both male and female and most are single. This is NOT a dating service; it is simply a group of people getting together to socialize.  They often meet for breakfast, lunch or dinner; some have more formal meetings.

My friend in another state has a Meet Up group that gets together for a meal a couple times a month and just talk and socialize; they have no special hobbies or interests; just friendly gatherings.  She has met some very nice people and has made some new friends.

Here is a link that describes this group:  https://help.meetup.com/hc/en-us/articles/360002878251-What-is-a-Meetup-group-

Unfortunately, I cannot vouch for them myself as I have never had need for such a group; so tred carefully and it may be something worthwhile or not. Also, since we are all social distancing, some groups may not be meeting in person or may have gone online. 

I send you very best wishes and warmest thoughts;

J.


Army_Vet60
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2020 11:15 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 959


ladyzetta wrote:

Dear Elaine,

I have seen some good relation ships found on the internet and i have seen some bad ones. One of my sons met one and married her and it turned out to be a disaster.

Right now you are lonely may not make the right decisions so please be careful.  Hugs Zetta

That was my one concern with Elaine about getting close to someone located in California.

When I was serving in Germany, a co-worker's wife left him for another man. He soon met a woman on the internet (she lived in LA) who swept him off his feet with photos of her beauty, stories about her vast wealth as a CEO, how she'd ensure he was happy for life, etc.

He was so desperate to be with her he got himself into trouble to get discharged. He was chaptered out and flew to LA to be with the new love of his life.

About a month later, he contacted me to help him get back into the Army because the woman turned out to be just like Glenn Close's character in "Fatal Attraction".  She was a beautiful wealthy CEO and 100% pure undiluted insanity.

Needless to say, I couldn't help him. 

Elaine needs to be cautious about long distance relationships via the internet.


elainechem
Posted: Thursday, April 23, 2020 5:29 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


Don't get me wrong, I do NOT want to remarry quickly. It's just that I've heard of that phenomenon and I don't understand how it even happens. I was just starting to look for a new church home when the shutdown started. My church has been without a senior pastor for nearly two years. I need to be at a church that has strong leadership. I couldn't start looking until hubby passed because he might have been agitated going to a new place...or not. Who knows? 

And I may be lonely and vulnerable, but I am decidedly NOT stupid. As they say, my momma didn't raise no fools! I am very careful on this dating website. That one man that I am in communication with is actually an ordained minister. He has a website, so I checked him out as much as I can. He's legit. 

I guess I'll have to wait until churches can start meeting once more and start visiting new ones again. 

Army_Vet60 asked whether I know any single men. Yes, a few, but they're mostly in their 30s and 40s. I don't really want a man who is the age of my children!

Hubby and I actually met in our church's singles group. The teacher was fond of saying that he believed in long courtships and short engagements. He didn't think you should ever marry someone that you have known less than a year. Sound advice. 

 


demiscared
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 2:08 PM
Joined: 8/26/2015
Posts: 108


Elaine, there is nothing wrong with getting out and enjoying male companionship and even getting married.  You will know what is right for you.  

I will just tell you a little of my story.   My DH had Cirrhosis and was diagnosed in 2003.   For the last 3 years of his life he was not really my husband, I was his caretaker.  He had a lot of encephalopathy which can be a bit like dementia.   He passed in July 2009.   In January 2010, I met this wonderful man who had lost his wife in 2008.  We were married a month later. Yes that is right, 1 month after we met.   This is my DH that just passed in March.  We had a good 8 years together before his vascular dementia got really bad.   I wouldn’t change it for nothing.  We loved each other very much and had a good 8 years.  Yes I wish we had more but no one ever knows when life will end.  We all have to live life to our own ability and love and companionship is important.


elainechem
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 2:34 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


Demiscared, that is a sweet story! I'm so sorry that you've now lost two husbands. There are no guarantees in life aren't there? It's been over two months since my hubby passed. And then, a month later, the shutdown hit. Needless to say, I haven't been able to meet anyone new. Although I'm still in contact with that man who doesn't think he's the one for me. But he keeps calling! I'm finding this situation to be hilarious! We'll see how it goes once the world reopens.
Brian50
Posted: Sunday, May 3, 2020 4:49 PM
Joined: 5/3/2020
Posts: 4


Elaine...    

     I"m on the before side of your after.  My spouse is not the person that they were and yet, they are still with me.  I will stick with them to the end, and yet when you used the word "lonely"  Holy cow...  it sure can be lonely on the before side as well as the after side.  Virtually everything that you said resonated with me.  Thank you for writing such honest and transparrent words.   Sometimes it can feel like no one understands and it can feel so open ended. 

I'm brand new to this site, so I'm still learning about what all is here but I appreciated your post very much.  

Brian     


elainechem
Posted: Sunday, May 3, 2020 6:24 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


Brian50 wrote:

Elaine...    

     I"m on the before side of your after.  My spouse is not the person that they were and yet, they are still with me.  I will stick with them to the end, and yet when you used the word "lonely"  Holy cow...  it sure can be lonely on the before side as well as the after side.  Virtually everything that you said resonated with me.  Thank you for writing such honest and transparrent words.   Sometimes it can feel like no one understands and it can feel so open ended. 

I'm brand new to this site, so I'm still learning about what all is here but I appreciated your post very much.  

 

Brian     

Welcome to the site no one ever wants to join. You will find a lot of good information here. It's true that this is a type of loss that people can't understand unless they have experienced it. I actually have had people ask me why I was so sad. After all, he was still alive, wasn't he? Yes and no. His body was alive but his mind was long gone. The hardest part was that he forgot that he loved me. People tried to reassure me that he still loved me, he just couldn't show it. No. I was there. I knew him. He couldn't remember who I was or what we once meant to each other. He forgot that he was supposed to love me. That kind of  pain is indescribable. I believe in our Savior, Jesus Christ. So did my husband. I believe that he is now fully restored in heaven. That knowledge comforts me.



Mike&BrendaTX
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 10:04 AM
Joined: 7/10/2017
Posts: 657


Elaine,

I got married last week, about four months after Brenda passed away.  The old saw is that you have to wait a year before getting remarried, but I think that depends on the circumstances.  If I were 30 and my wife were killed in a car wreck, I would have a lot of grieving time to go through, and I would have the year to do it before moving on.  As it is, I've already spent years and years grieving, and I'll be 75 this year and don't necessarily have years to sit around to satisfy someone else's artificial time clock. And I've done a lot of work in therapy.

Trudy (my new wife, 71) and I met about a month after Brenda died, and have spent the last 3 months together every day just living life (she only lived 15 minutes away).  Since we're both retired, we have all day, every day. We have had lots of long, heart-to-heart talks.  I feel that I know her (and she me) better than if we had just dated for two years.  We are very much alike; she often says things I thought I was the only one who would say.  Our top two love languages are the same. We both have a similar background, both having grown up in the same faraway state about the same time, so we have a lot of shared experiences. We are both serious Christians.  We share the same political views. Neither of us smoke or drink.  It goes on and on.  And we're crazy about each other.  I often tell people we were carved from the same block.

None of our friends have told us we have to wait longer.  Our family (even Brenda's grown children) thought is was good that I might be happy again. Our best friends said, "Only you know when it's time to look again."  Our best man and matron of honor said, "Well, at your age, if you know, why wait?"  We had a small, short ceremony outside our church (no one could go inside, still) with a number of friends, and everyone was happy for us.  Our first week together has been wonderful.

I would repeat to anyone here, only you know when it's time to start looking again, don't be constrained by someone else's ideas.  Yes, be sure you know the other person well and have no secrets.  Be sure you don't want to change them or they you. Beware of differences in values. That said, it's up to you.

Mike


Army_Vet60
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 11:32 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 959


Mike&BrendaTX wrote:

I got married last week, about four months after Brenda passed away.  

Wow...Congratulations!  
You are truly one lucky man to have found someone who can be the next love of your life.

 


elainechem
Posted: Sunday, May 10, 2020 12:59 PM
Joined: 7/30/2013
Posts: 6034


Wow, Mike, that's amazing! Congratulations! With all these restrictions, I can't even meet anyone, much less marry him. I'm so jealous right now! Have a wonderful life with your new love!
Lakhota
Posted: Monday, May 11, 2020 7:13 AM
Joined: 4/8/2015
Posts: 224


Well I am still on the other at this time and have been on the journey going on 9 years starting at the young age of 43. I will admit that I have thought of what it would be like to have a conversation with a women over a meal again, hear their laughter, and their touch and at this time I don’t know which I would relish more the touch or the conversation. However, there is another part of me that says no I don’t want to have anyone else and take the chance of becoming a caregiver again I guess we will just let life play out as it may as it is usually more interesting that way. 

 

Elaine, I understand what you are saying about the dating scene for women as I have a former coworker that lost her husband over a year ago and is trying to date at this time. She called me a couple weeks ago on a phone number that i didn’t recognize (it had a OK area code) I took the chance and answered as I thought it was her since she moved to OK to be close to her only child. Anyway we talked and she explained that she had gotten the new phone as a burner phone for dating she went on to explain that the guys that have contacted her have all been so bad one wanted to see her but didn’t have $30 for a new tire for his car!  We laughed and I told her if he did have the $30 where was he going to take her on that budget? She said that she did have one date but as she said he was a old man being five years older than her (he is 65) and then she said that it seemed most just wanted to do their business and go on. I’m hoping she finds a nice guy maybe at church again as she was with her husband since she was 17 and deserves to have some fun and a good person. 

Mike, I am so glad to hear that you have found someone are happy and have married. As you say some might think it is to soon but for us that have been on this journey we understand an when you know you know. Congratulations to you and your new bride I hope you enjoy all of life and have nothing but joy and laughter for all your days. 

To all of the rest of you on the other side I hope you find joy as well. 


Katy sue
Posted: Tuesday, May 12, 2020 10:30 AM
Joined: 9/24/2016
Posts: 468


I think we all have reservations about a new relationship after having gone through a trauma like caregiving for your own spouse. It would be a matter of putting it all in perspective with many angles. I see myself in a position now where I’m still processing the past years of decline. I think it’s possible to love another man, but I would hope to do so in a manner of not comparing. For me, it would be essential to actually isolate the two relationships, although one does not really exist anymore. It would be like two chapters in my life. I would welcome a friendship for now and if it turned into more I would really ask myself if I would be comfortable taking vows again. One of us will indeed die before the other. On the flip side, why risk not having all the love you can get (and give ) back into your life? Basically, I feel if it happens it happens. If not, I’m ok with that too because love and intimacy comes in many forms. In other words, I’m not desperately looking, as I do not feel lonely...yet. 

Mike, what a wonderful turn of events for you , sir! You have been through one of the hardest roads possible in life, and now it is time for you to live again with happiness. All my best!

Kathy


Seasons In The Sun
Posted: Wednesday, May 13, 2020 9:02 AM
Joined: 5/21/2018
Posts: 251


Mike , 

           I am so happy for you I just can't find the words to express how much. I have always said that we caregivers grieve twice. The first time is always the hardest. No-one could fault you for moving on and enjoying life with someone special . Not having the gift of expression my last comment to you; Live, Love , Enjoy.   

As always  only my best to you. 

   Your Friend , John