RSS Feed Print
Vent: I am offended by what you said
Posted: Sunday, April 26, 2020 10:07 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 769

This forum has been a lifesaver for me on so many fretful and distressing times during my care giver journey. Occasionally disagreements bubble up. Occasionally people are not especially kind. 

Overall it has been the best resource, by far, for providing the knowledge I need to be a better caregiver. 

Tonight I read a post in which a poster referred to others as morons. I am dumbfounded. A caregiver on a supportive online forum, for people that are impacted by a dementia related diagnosis, referred to others as morons.

I am offended.  It doesn't matter that he was not referring to me. It doesn't matter whom he was referring to.

I can't remember the last time I came across something so unnecessary and careless.

Maybe I am ultra sensitive because my DH is living with cognitive impairment. I'll be stepping away from the forum. Its not a place I want to be anymore.

Words matter.

Please be kind.

Posted: Sunday, April 26, 2020 10:25 PM
Joined: 6/3/2016
Posts: 90

Lady Texan, consider the source. Just by the way that particular person posts, he obviously views himself superior to others. He cannot refer to his wife or children without stating their degrees or occupations. i feel everyone else in this forum are down to earth folks on the same journey, trying to survive this disease.
Posted: Sunday, April 26, 2020 10:37 PM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 705

Morons? Wow.

Some people just HAVE to think they are *innately* superior.  Like a family's piles of degrees matter --they don't.What their mother or son did- it doesn't.


 MLK Jr had it right- content of character. 

The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.   Dear Abby

I wrote my reply and just knew who said that, then I thought, better check before I post ..... yup.

Posted: Sunday, April 26, 2020 10:50 PM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 769

Please don't make this personal. Its not about the poster. Its about the behavior. The word offends me. Its hurtful. Its cruel. If someone referred to my husband as a moron, my heart would hurt.

Please be kind to each other.

Posted: Sunday, April 26, 2020 11:36 PM
Joined: 10/24/2019
Posts: 386

I hope you’ll reconsider stepping away from this forum.  Your insights, your honesty, and your kindness are inspirational, and our community will be poorer for your withdrawal.

I do appreciate the point you raised.  Unkindness and personal attacks are against the guidelines but more importantly work against the whole point of a supportive environment for folks dealing with the stress of caregiving.  But there’s so much here that is good and right that it’s a shame to have that which is regrettably exceptional blot all that out.

Whatever you choose to do, I respect your decision and wish you only the best on this difficult road.
Lane Simonian
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 12:37 AM
Joined: 12/12/2011
Posts: 4863

Here is the full quote:

I have to explain this routinely to the morons who say its no worse than the flu .

Now if the poster had simply said I have to explain this routinely to people who say its no worse than the flu, he would have been right without antagonizing any one.

I have seen a number of strong and polarizing personalities on this board over the years which has unfortunately driven a number of good people from this site.  Sometimes, I agree with these posters and sometimes I don't.  I usually just chalk it up to the nature of the person--they are usually trying to be helpful even if their advice is unsolicited and unwelcomed by some.

I have seen a few direct personal attacks over the years that were completely uncalled for.  I have also seen people respond in a very empathetic and selfless way.  

You are not going to agree with everybody politically in this place or anywhere else, but as long as you are not poking each other too hard go ahead and disagree.  I would rather read what I disagree with than see it disappear altogether.     

Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 1:50 AM
Joined: 5/7/2018
Posts: 437

Please don't leave. I always appreciate your posts. Others can benefit from your wisdom and experience. And you probably need the support at times as well. People will always post things that others don't agree with or may take offense at, but try to just let it roll off and move on. There is more good on this forum than not. Even though my husband has passed, I still come here because I feel like this is the only place where people understand---and I also feel like the people on here are my friends, as many helped me through my ordeal.
Joe C.
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 5:14 AM
Joined: 10/13/2019
Posts: 513

LadyTexan, As you stated this is an incredibly valuable resource for caregiver. What makes it so valuable are all the caring people who share their experience and offer support to others, you are one of these people, I urge you to reconsider. I step away from the site for a couple of weeks because of all the political rancor but decided to return an just avoid the threads that I know will so discord, perhaps you could stay and try this approach.
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 6:54 AM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6153

I was referring to politicians in Washington

Our lives depend on them getting it right

And some are morons

Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 7:29 AM
Joined: 9/5/2017
Posts: 747

Lady Texan,  you will be missed if you step away from this forum.  I find I have a lot in common with you and your journey.
Dreamer Lost
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 7:32 AM
Joined: 3/7/2019
Posts: 573

LT, As a fellow "Lady Texan", I hope you stick around to continue offering your positive view point.  I often am uplifted by your comments. I have always heard that someone who swears or uses foul language or resorts to name calling is someone of little intellect, unable to articulate their thoughts in an intelligent manor. I think it can also be a show of intense emotion, rather like a child screaming out their frustrations at not getting their way.  I agree that using hurtful language on this forum is rude, just like I think so many politicians are setting a poor example with their rude and disrespectful language, but I can't change their behavior, only my own.  I try not to read anything by posters that are continually disrespectful to others just as I try not to watch tv shows with poor language.  I even have to correct my own children sometimes, our world has not been kind to our language skills or our manners. 
Again, I hope you stick around for those of us who are helped by your positive tone. 
 Have a Blessed Day! 

Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 10:00 AM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1774

I read through the thread in question.  He was talking about people who think the virus is the flu.  May moron wasnt the correct term.  Maybe being deliberately obtuse would have been better.  Maybe wishing it were just the flu. Whatever.  Its like ALZ is just a bit of memory loss.

This while thing was handled badly from the very beginning.  It just was. System that were in place were dismantled.  We don't have the tests we need, which could have been started in January.  Its called planning.  I didn't want it to be bad either.  Is there some over caustiousness, yes.

I am from the Bay Area, we have been dealing with shutdowns etc longer than anyone else, so believe me I get it.  My daughter lives in NYC, so yes, we get it.  We understand the frustration. 

But my frustration is toward the Feds who have blown it.  I mean Bleach?  Really?  That is the leadership we are supposed to trust?  Who has no plan, zip, zero for PPEs, etc.  And now we are scrambling. 

I think its perfectly reasonable to call some people in WashDC morons, and other enablers.  WHen the President said put cleaners on the lungs and then it was excused as sacrcasm, that is moronic behaviour.  And very much not a serious leader that we need.  It wasn't a pandemic, than it was and he knew it before anyone else did, and then its not...well for feck sake




Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 10:14 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 2500

Seems multiple people on this threat aren't understanding that the OP objects to the word being used periodToward ANYONE.  Even faceless "politicians."  And it's not the first time that person has used that word.

Consider it like the "R" word that used to be used so freely.  It's now understood that we don't use that type of language in a public forum.  The "M" word is the same, especially when talking on a forum for people and caregivers with cognitive impairment.

Get it now?
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 11:07 AM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 769

Thank you day2nite2. You understood my frustration.

I understand that many different personalities participate on this forum. Our experiences are varied and that results in a more expansive body of knowledge for all to benefit from. 

My frustration is not based on agreement or disagreement with a political position or a response to the pandemic. My frustration is not about expressing unhappiness with leadership in the current or past administrations. It doesn’t matter to me whom he was referring to.

As Lane stated "Now if the poster had simply said I have to explain this routinely to people who say its no worse than the flu, he would have been right without antagonizing any one".

The name calling and insults, made by the poster who referred to others as morons, are nothing new. I’ve learned to expect it and usually avoid his posts. I take offense to his choice of words. I am a caregiver. My loved one has Alzheimer’s. My DH is mentally impaired. His intelligence is not what it used to be. This does not make my DH any less valuable as a human being. I am sensitive to someone belittling others due to mental deficiency.  

The following excerpts are from

Idiot, imbecile, and moron were, not so long ago, used in a psychological classification system, and each one was assigned to a fairly specific range of abilities.

Idiots - Those so defective that the mental development never exceeds that or a normal child of about two years.

Imbeciles - Those whose development is higher than that of an idiot, but whose intelligence does not exceed that of a normal child of about seven years.

Morons - Those whose mental development is above that of an imbecile, but does not exceed that of a normal child of about twelve years.

— Edmund Burke Huey, Backward and Feeble-Minded Children, 1912

Of these three words moron is the newest (early 20th century), and the only one which was coined specifically for the purpose of medical diagnosis. 

The clinical applications of these words is now a thing of the past, and we hope no one reading this would be so callous as to try to resurrect their use. The generalized use of all three of these terms is well established in our language, and may be found used as terms of opprobrium for someone who acts stupidly, but is not necessarily cognitively impaired.

So if you choose to use these words in some hierarchical order to separate those drivers who cut you off on the highway from those who merely fail to turn off their blinkers, we're not in a position to stop you. However, we will point out that the English language is broad and magnificent enough that when you really need to lay into someone, you may do so in a properly considerate manner, and without resorting to potentially offensive and antiquated psychological jargon.

~end of excerpt.

The poster, who has proclaimed an affinity for words, chose a word that offends me. I felt the need to express my distaste and disappointment in his word choice because I was hurt deeply. In my humble opinion, his words are especially inappropriate for this forum because we are dealing with an illness that results in cognitive impairment. 

Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 12:08 PM
Joined: 8/10/2016
Posts: 2751

Lady Texan,  I really enjoy some of your posts.
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 1:28 PM
Joined: 8/26/2015
Posts: 108

Thank you Lady Texan.   This is not the place for name calling or belittling anyone, and I mean anyone.  We are hear for support and knowledge of dealing with Alzheimer’s and dementia.  We are quite sensitive as we should be with what we are going through or have gone through.  Thank you and I hope you stay here.  We all need each other.
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 2:48 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1183

Lady Texan,

Please dont leave we all need each other. Moron may not have been a good word to use but not all of us use the best words at times. Sometimes words used when frustrated may not be good words. Personal name calling is whats wrong.

I live in Oregon and I think people living back East are going to talk different then me. I think some people are more direct then others and there is nothing wrong with that.  Please stay we need caregiver views from everywhere. Hugs Zetta   

Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 2:59 PM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 3837

We have a son who is mildly mentally disabled. I understand your hurt. But you are too valuable here to leave. Your outlook is contagious, and it is needed. Therefore, I cannot accept your resignation. Please stay.
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 3:49 PM
Joined: 12/31/2018
Posts: 482

LT, I understand and agree completely with your reasoning for not using that word. I was a special education teacher for 25 years and now have a husband with a cognitive impairment due to Alz/dementia. Words matter!!

There are some posts I've learned to just ignore. If I read something I don't agree with or dislike, I try to let it go and forget it. 

I hope you don't leave. I learn a lot from you and your positive outlook. I spent most of yesterday listing what I had gratitude for because of your posting on that topic several times. It got me through the day. So thank you!

Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 5:18 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19400

We will miss you.
Posted: Monday, April 27, 2020 10:42 PM
Joined: 10/31/2019
Posts: 99

Hi Lady Texas- I agree with your post. I have a lovely daughter with a cognitive disability and now my dear husband. So I get it. I love your contagious spirit of graditude. You have encouraged me to look for the good. Thank you.
Posted: Tuesday, April 28, 2020 12:59 AM
Joined: 12/17/2016
Posts: 160

Lady Texan I hope you stay. As others have said, your contributions here are so valuable. Please reconsider your decision to leave this forum.
Posted: Saturday, December 26, 2020 5:16 AM
Joined: 4/6/2014
Posts: 585

Crushed wrote:

I was referring to politicians in Washington

Our lives depend on them getting it right

And some are morons

I have to agree with him in the way he called some of our politicians morons. Maybe could have used a better word like jerks

Posted: Saturday, December 26, 2020 10:10 AM
Joined: 11/28/2016
Posts: 110

When I first joined this forum some years ago, I posted something and was immediately attacked for what I said. I was dumbfounded and hurt, so I deleted my post and stayed away for a while. Then I ventured back and explained why I had left. A moderator wanted to see the post, but it was gone.  

Yes, I will admit I am overly sensitive and do try to overlook things that bother me.  On here, I needed support for what I am going through, because every day is stressful and some days are almost more than I can handle. 

Perhaps I am expecting too much when I just wish to be treated like I treat others. Most people are kind and caring. Like me they are just trying to survive.