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Wounds reopened
Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, May 13, 2020 9:08 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259


Hello all: 

It's been a while since I've posted here. I hope everyone is safe and surviving this unbelievable life we now lead. It seems so surreal.  

So I'm coming up on two years since my poor mom left this world.  I feel like I"m digressing back to when she just died.  I'm crying all the time and I can't go to her house or especially see my father without breaking down. My poor father is exhibiting many of the traits my mom did when she started going downhill and it's scaring the crap out of me.  I can't lose him too. I just feel all the same dread and sadness I felt when mom was sick.  I"m not sure I can handle going through this again.  

Feeling defeated, Thank you for listening.

xoxoxo -Kat


TessC
Posted: Wednesday, May 13, 2020 11:00 AM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5190


I'm sad to hear your grief is resurfacing and that your father's health may be suffering, Kat. I think some of us have something like PTSD and our feelings of dread, fear and sadness come up whenever there are triggers and in these days, there seems to be triggers everywhere! I just lost a good friend to brain cancer and my sadness for her and her family have me thinking about the days leading up to my mom's death. I'm usually careful not to think about it too long or hard, but it's all I can think about today.

 I think these thoughts are normal and from experience I know it goes away, so I am not too concern. But I think anything that reminds us of our time caregiving and the death of our LOs is a trigger and our feelings are right back to the days when our lives were difficult. And it's hard to find relief when there is so much self care we cannot do right now. But I'm glad we have this forum for support and I do support you and wish you a better day soon.



Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, May 13, 2020 12:00 PM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259


Tess thank you so much for the kind words. I value this site and find great comfort in it.  I will be here often now for support.  Thank you
dutiful deb
Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 1:09 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1891


Kat,

Oh, how I understand!  Maybe it's something about the second year after a loss; my previous experience has been that the second year is often harder than the first.  I have had a lot of triggers lately, too, as I talked about in my post today.  

My husband began showing signs of impairment during the last few years of my mom's life, but they were things that could be attributed to other issues, such as stress or illness, and I hoped it was a phase he was going through, but that has not turned out to be the case.  Many of his behaviors are very much like hers, and, like you, it scares me to death, saddens me, and at times even angers me. Most days are fine and I feel like I have a handle on things, like that feeling of peace I mentioned in my post, but the days I feel otherwise is like being back on that emotional roller coaster I rode with Mom. 

Once, early on in my journey with Mom's dementia, my husband said to me, "I wonder why you're going through this." I told him I didn't believe there had to be a reason, but he disagreed. He felt very strongly that there was a reason, that I was being prepared for something else, but I might not know yet what that was.  When I think about those words now, I get chills. What I once scoffed at I now think about as hitting too close to the mark. 

You're in my thoughts, and I hope you are able to find peace and comfort.  


Skittles412
Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 6:42 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259


Oh Deb I"m so so sorry to hear about your dear husband. I can understand the anger and the sadness.  It does seem so unfair that we have to endure this at all, let alone twice.  I guess our mom's never stop taking care of us.  Even in their darkest hour they were teaching us something. Lots of love to you Deb. Thank you for the support! If you ever need to talk, bitch, vent or anything please reach out. You and I apparently are taking similar paths.

xoxoxo -Kat


dutiful deb
Posted: Saturday, May 16, 2020 6:32 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1891


Thanks, Kat. We have good days, good weeks, bad days, and bad weeks. I can usually see when things are getting too much for him, but at other times something "off" will pop up out of nowhere.  Today has been a "work in the garden" day. We love doing this, and it is very therapeutic, although my husband, with his obsessive behaviors, plants way more than we can use or even give away!  Our neighbor, an elderly unmarried man, has been granted the green light to take as much as he wants, whenever he wants.  

So many things are done or gathered in excess, and he is losing the ability to "read" people, which are two of the biggest challenges. However, in the grand scheme of things, I know growing too many tomatoes (or hoarding multiple copies of the same movie, or buying the same kitchen gadgets, etc) is not awful, and there are worse things that can happen.  Interestingly, he can say things like "I don't know why I planted all these peppers", or "this is way too much," but he also can't help himself or control it, and can't understand when someone else points out that something is done in excess or makes them uncomfortable. We have  a lot of circular conversations, and I have had to really focus on creating a household routine that helps not just him, but me.  Socially, things are often awkward; once, while eating out with my daughter and her husband, I accidentally dropped a bite of food in my lap and he said, "It's okay. I'll lick it off for you." Oh my goodness. One of those funny, not funny, kind of things. At the same time, you could meet him, have a conversation, and not see anything off.  

I am glad, for my own sake, that I do not have to deal with multiple high needs at the same time.  What I miss is having a mom to talk to. My mom and I had a lot of ups and downs, and as mentioned about grown children in a different thread, she often told me that "you'll  raise your children the best way you can, and when they grow up, they will make their own choices".  I miss having her here to share her wisdom with me and would love to sit down and pick her brain about how she dealt with it all. Since that can't happen, it's nice to have others to share with here! 

 


Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, May 20, 2020 1:40 PM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 259


Indeed it is deb, I treasure this site and the people in it. Everyone is so helpful.  I do hope you can have some special times with your DH before he gets worse.  It sounds like you know what you're doing and you have it all under control.  The second time around doesn't make it any easier though.  It rips open the old wounds.  Ho hum.

xoxoxo - Kat