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Two years
dutiful deb
Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 12:35 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1910

This is the second anniversary of Mom's death.  A week and a half ago I received a notice from the local courts saying they had not received the report for the first year I had guardianship.  I filled out the necessary paperwork the next day, which took about 3  hours; I had to look back through my records to find some of the information, but thank goodness I was able to get it done with little difficulty.  The courthouse in my area is open on a limited basis, so I delivered everything in person to avoid any more mishaps. 

After getting that taken care of, I got a stimulus check in Mom's name, which will be sent back. Somehow these events brought back a lot of old feelings, and I felt myself reliving the stress I felt during my years of active caregiving. As I searched for information and filled out the paperwork regarding the guardianship report, I was calm, and felt as if God's hand was guiding me along. After I turned everything in, however, I went into a state of mental panic, worrying about what would happen, even though the person reviewing the paperwork assured me everything would be fine. 

 I had horrible thoughts of having posthumously failed my mom after all the diligence I put into keeping her safe while she was alive. I second-guessed myself on whether the paperwork was not received because I hadn't filed the report or because someone at the courthouse had dropped the ball. All of this was totally irrational; the court official I spoke with told me herself that she had taken over the job from someone else and a lot of work had been left undone, leaving a backlog that had to be caught up. They hadn't even received notice of Mom's death, even thought a death certificate had been submitted right after her passing. I had to provide that again, too. Logically, I know that this was an error on someone else's part, but I also realized that it didn't matter, as I was still responsible for providing the information now, even if I had already done so years earlier. . It took me about two days of worry to convince myself that everything would be fine, but I still didn't relax until I received a letter of dismissal for the guardianship. I will not have to provide any more information, and it feels like I can finally rest easy.  

The day after my mom died two years ago, which was Mother's day, my son called me up. Without going into detail, I'll just say that he made the decision to cut my husband and I out of his life. Being estranged from your child is a kind of  pain that can't be adequately described with mere words. As a parent, you torment yourself over where you went wrong, you can't get over the idea that this adult cannot possibly be the result of the child you raised, and you can't bring yourself to talk about it because you don't want to deal with people saying, "I can't believe this is the child you raised; what went wrong?" because you're already asking yourself that and have no answers. Then there are those who will just be blunt and say, "Wow, what a jerk," and although you agree, you feel more guilt piled on because, well, you raised a jerk, which somehow equals failure in the parental mind. Yes, your child is a jerk, but he's still your child and you never, ever stop loving him.  So, the hurt is buried and you just put it in a corner of your being, carry it around, and keep living your life. At least, that's what I've done. 

 This year, on Mother's Day, he reached out to me and we had a conversation that lasted about 30 minutes. He was like the person I raised, the young man I used to know, but I am not putting a lot of stock in this. While I want to see it as an olive branch, I'm also not willing to set myself up for more hurt. 

Aside from all that, this 2nd anniversary seemed to be more difficult in terms of just thinking of Mom, missing her while at the same time thankful she's not here to endure being quarantined or risk becoming infected. I have days of sadness, but the sadness always gives way to peace. And so, I cycle through: sadness, peace, reminders, sadness.

I cling to the days of peace. They are more in number than the days of sorrow. 

Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 7:49 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 256

Wow Deb; I didn't know you had to deal with something that mentally taxing right after your mom passed.  What a terrible time for him to make that awful decision. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt you.   

I do understand keeping your distance from being hurt again. He needs to earn your trust again.  When our children grow up they become their own person and sometimes they stray from the path we intended. This is not on us; our job was to keep them somewhat happy, healthy and alive during their formative years.  Once we've done that, the rest is on them.  Please don't feel it reflects poorly on how you raised him. 

Sending lots of love to you.

xoxoxo -Kat

Posted: Thursday, May 14, 2020 10:13 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5213

Any type of "anniversary" of a LOs death hurts our hearts and I'm sorry that your pain was added by the reminders and extra work of the court paperwork and your mom's stimulus check. I hope you will soon have many more days of peace and less of the sorrow. And perhaps the opening with your son will grow, but as Skittles said, parents can only do the best they can and as adults, our children will be their own person. People change, even our children and we have no control over anyone but ourselves. Take care and be at peace.