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Her Dying Day
Army_Vet60
Posted: Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:18 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 867


And so the grieving process continues....


     I still hear my wife's last words to me before she endured 12 days of actively dying. I've spent the past year dealing with my pain and coming to grips with all of the conflicting emotions. 

 

     This past month, I've been trying come to grips with those 12 final days and what it was like from her perspective.  She was comatose, but aware of what was going on around her. It was Sandy and me, her nurse and aide, and an invisible Guardian, during that time.


                                               HER DYING DAY


 Day 1   I love you.... 

              I have to say goodbye to you....

              But I don't want to....


Day 2     I have to close my eyes and sleep;

               I don't need water, nor food to eat.

               Just the morphine to ease my pain.


Day 3     I have a new Guardian who you can't see,

               Waiting to take me where I can dance again.

                She stands to my right at my feet.


Day 4      Please don't hover and watch me sleep.

                Can't you see the smile that's for you?

                I want you to know I'm finding peace.


Day 5       My Guardian has the patience

                 Of a Saint.

                 She knows it's hard for me to let go of you.


Day 6        I heard the nurse tell you

                  How much I must love you

                  To be fighting till my dying day.


Day 7         I can't leave while you watch

                  And I can't when you cry,

                  But I do like it when you stroke my hair.


Day 8        I heard music all night,

                  Our favorites you played.

                  Our bond will outlive my dying day.


Day 9         The nurse told you the truth.

                   My body is failing.

                   Darkness is descending.

 

Day 10        Why did he have to hear my cries?

                     I sounded like a lamb

                     Going to the slaughter.

 

Day 11          When you entered our bedroom, I gave you a gift.

                       I appeared on our bed and smiled.

                       I looked the same as the first day we met.

                      Keep that vision...please never forget.

 

Day 12            I love you....

                       I have to say goodbye to you,,,,,

                       But I don't want to...... 


abc123
Posted: Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:56 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1351


I can't imagine what it was like for you... I have no words.
CStrope
Posted: Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:03 PM
Joined: 11/19/2020
Posts: 64


When we get that Dx, this is something that we're all slowly preparing for, but yet will never be ready for.

Hang in there.......you now have a special guardian angel.

 


Ed1937
Posted: Thursday, November 26, 2020 6:57 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 3691


I'm sorry it so awfully hard. As hard as this might be, please try to find something to be thankful for today. And don't forget that we're here for you, anytime.
Jeff86
Posted: Thursday, November 26, 2020 7:42 AM
Joined: 10/24/2019
Posts: 364


I love that you have tried to imagine this from you DW’s perspective.

Your pain is palpable, and our hearts go out to you.  I hope for you over time as you keep processing the grief and loss that you feel fortunate to have loved so deeply—for therein lies the joy you have experienced, and that’s what makes the loss as great as it is.

You were clearly a wonderful caregiver.  Time for self care.


Army_Vet60
Posted: Thursday, November 26, 2020 9:15 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 867


Ed1937 wrote:
I'm sorry it so awfully hard. As hard as this might be, please try to find something to be thankful for today. And don't forget that we're here for you, anytime.
 
 

     Holidays are still hard to anticipate.

 
 
      I don't think it was a coincidence my wife's last words came back to me as this holiday approached.
 
 
    I really needed to put myself in her shoes at that time to realize how thankful I should be to have had her in my life at all.
 
 
    And I do appreciate that you are here. That's why I posted this. You're the only people I trust to show it to.

jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, November 26, 2020 9:59 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19283


It goes on a long time. Thankfully the pain becomes less frequent and less raw.
Dreamer Lost
Posted: Thursday, November 26, 2020 6:59 PM
Joined: 3/7/2019
Posts: 570


Oh Army Vet, you bring tears to my eyes.  Thank you for the post, though it is hard to read and I know even harder to live through.  I don't know how you managed 12 days of actively dying. I'm afraid I will break down when my time comes.  
 Prayers for comfort, strength and peace.  Wishing you a peaceful Thanksgiving as Happy is beyond my abilities right now also. 

Army_Vet60
Posted: Thursday, November 26, 2020 8:01 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 867


Dreamer Lost wrote:
Oh Army Vet, you bring tears to my eyes.  Thank you for the post, though it is hard to read and I know even harder to live through.  I don't know how you managed 12 days of actively dying. I'm afraid I will break down when my time comes.  
 Prayers for comfort, strength and peace.  Wishing you a peaceful Thanksgiving as Happy is beyond my abilities right now also. 
 
 

     Thank you for the wish and it was peaceful.

 
      
      I think this Thanksgiving would've felt empty if I hadn't thought of my wife and tried to look at her last two weeks from her eyes.  I needed to remember her last two weeks and put it in writing from her perspective. 

      

      I empathize with the other posters who are devastated that their spouses don't know them any more, I went through that for several years with Sandy.  It still amazes me those were her last words.  Even though the disease destroyed her memories, her love for me survived.

       

      Looking at those two weeks from her perspective was a jolt. It also gave me something to be thankful for on this holiday.  She didn't know me but she knew she always knew she loved me.  I have a lifetime's worth of treasured memories and those last words.

       

 

Last Dance
Posted: Friday, November 27, 2020 6:31 AM
Joined: 5/2/2013
Posts: 399


 I fully understand how you feel the holidays are really hard for me especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. The first time I kissed Linda was on Thanksgiving and our first date was on Christmas. We were married in May the following year. The last thing she said to me was     (I Love You.) Whenever I am down I think about the last gift she gave me. They say that time heals everything but that is not true. Time dulls the pain but it never goes away, just when you think things are getting better it comes back to you like a roaring lion. 

As strange as it may seem Sandy was blessed by you taking care of her and she knew it. She gave you the greatest gift of all at the end. Hold on to last words and the memory that she wants you have of her. Your love, and devotion to her shows in every one of your post. Please take care of yourself in the days ahead, God’s Blessings to you Richard

When you entered our bedroom, I gave you a gift.

I appeared on our bed and smiled.

I looked the same as the first day we met.

Keep that vision...please never forget.