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Her Dying Day
Army_Vet60
Posted: Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:20 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 962


And so the grieving process continues....

     I still hear my wife's last words to me before she endured 12 days of actively dying. I've spent the past year dealing with my pain and coming to grips with all of the conflicting emotions. 

      This past month, I've been trying come to grips with those 12 final days and what it was like from her perspective.  She was comatose, but aware of what was going on around her. It was Sandy and me, her nurse and aide, and an invisible Guardian, during that time.

                                               HER DYING DAY


 Day 1   I love you.... 

              I have to say goodbye to you....

              But I don't want to....

Day 2     I have to close my eyes and sleep;

               I don't need water, nor food to eat.

               Just the morphine to ease my pain.

Day 3     I have a new Guardian who you can't see,

               Waiting to take me where I can dance again.

                She stands to my right at my feet.

Day 4      Please don't hover and watch me sleep.

                Can't you see the smile that's for you?

                I want you to know I'm finding peace.

Day 5       My Guardian has the patience

                 Of a Saint.

                 She knows it's hard for me to let go of you.

Day 6        I heard the nurse tell you

                  How much I must love you

                  To be fighting till my dying day.

Day 7         I can't leave while you watch

                  And I can't when you cry,

                  But I do like it when you stroke my hair.

Day 8        I heard music all night,

                  Our favorites you played.

                  Our bond will outlive my dying day.

Day 9         The nurse told you the truth.

                   My body is failing.

                   Darkness is descending.

 

Day 10        Why did he have to hear my cries?

                     I sounded like lamb

                     Going to the slaughter.

 

Day 11          When you entered our bedroom, I gave you a gift.

                       I appeared on our bed and smiled.

                       I looked the same as the first day we met.

                      Keep that vision...please never forget.

 

Day 12            I love you....

                       I have to say goodbye to you,,,,,

                       But I don't want to...... 


TessC
Posted: Saturday, November 28, 2020 5:43 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5190


So touching and heart-felt. Your love for each other is wonderful thing to behold.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Sunday, November 29, 2020 5:02 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 962


TessC wrote:
So touching and heart-felt. Your love for each other is wonderful thing to behold.
 
 

 

Hi Tess,

 
 
 
Thank you, I appreciate that.
 
 
 
     I thought things might start to return to normal after the first year, but I'm realizing that it's going to take a long time, maybe more than I have.
 
 
 
     Putting myself in Sandy's place those last days actually helped me deal with lingering guilt about my role in her illness.  
 
 
 
     We do all we can for our LO, and and in its own way disease just beats us down until we can't think straight any more. 
 
 
     I think this experience helped me sort some more of my own issues out. Writing has always been my way confronting internal problems.
 
 
 
     I do miss Sandy more with each day that passes.  I look forward to seeing her again.  I know she is there.

TessC
Posted: Tuesday, December 22, 2020 4:42 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5190


You saw Sandy as she really was-a perfect and beautiful soul-even as she declined and changed- you never faltered in your love for her.

 Of course you will see her again. If you believe in the soul that was Sandy, something that never diminished in your eyes, then you know she is still here with you. Look for her nudges in your life. She'd want you to be happy-so believe any happiness and joy you find from here on out is from her. My mom only prayed for her children's health and happiness. In honor of her, I do what I can to make her prayers come true, lol! 


jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, December 30, 2020 6:09 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19627


Not certain that there is a "normal"....just less and less pain.
Army_Vet60
Posted: Thursday, December 31, 2020 9:42 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 962


jfkoc wrote:
Not certain that there is a "normal"....just less and less pain.
I agree in that I think there is no normal after this experience.
"Our" world disappeared with Sandy's death.
I'm just trying to figure out where I fit into this one now.
The pain reminds me of an ocean's tides. It ebbs and flows...