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Exactly 2 Months Ago
ChrisBme
Posted: Tuesday, February 16, 2021 7:17 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 116


Exactly 2 months ago at 8:41 PM my DW, companion, best friend, and lover took her last breath in my arms. We grew up together as we met when she was 15 and I 16.  We were always referred to as the human pretzel as we always loved being entangled in some way or another. She didn't quite make it to her 65th birthday because of this horrible disease! I so miss her soft touch, gentle kisses, and beautiful voice! I thought that as this hellacious disease was taking her, the illusion of having lost her prior to her passing, that the pain I felt would be the same as when she would leave this world. I was so wrong! Although I am so glad she is no longer in the clutches of this disease, the pain I feel is much greater! She was my life, my soul mate, my all! I am so lost without her. To all the caregivers here, you are all hero's and I am so sorry that you are having to go through these heartbreaks. Love to you all!
ChrisBme
Posted: Tuesday, February 16, 2021 9:42 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 116


It's 8:42 PM... Exact time of DW's passing
chrisp1653
Posted: Tuesday, February 16, 2021 11:31 PM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1281


Hi Chris. I'm Chris too, and my Barbara left this life this past December 20 at about 8:20 pm. We were watching the television, and I went to check on her and see how she was, but there was no one left to check on.

Like a lot of folks, I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. There were still things I wanted to tell her; questions I wanted to ask her; dreams I wanted to share with her.

It's 58 days now, and in many ways I'm doing fine, and in other ways I still wait to hear her call me and tell me she needs to go potty, or have a drink, or give her another blanket.

I've moved my computer to her desk in her craft room now, and I like it better there. I've also started to re-learn some of my cooking skills that had fallen by the wayside. I'm watching more sci-fi on the telly , although I still sometimes ask her permission, since I know she never cared for it. Her teddy bear sits on the other side of the bed, and I remind him at night that mommy is depending on him to be strong.

It's different here now. Too quiet, although I am getting used to it. I fix my own breakfast when I get up in the morning, instead of fixing hers. I leave the house when I feel like it, instead of waiting for Wednesday at 1:00 pm when the volunteer would come and give me my 2 hours a week to do my grocery shopping.

I'm getting better - slowly. I posted here a bit ago that closure is a journey. I'm sorry for anyone who has to take that journey, but I believe if we travel it together, the road becomes a little less bumpy.


Army_Vet60
Posted: Wednesday, February 17, 2021 6:48 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 962


ChrisBme wrote:
She was my life, my soul mate, my all! I am so lost without her. 
 
 
 

That sums it up.  

 
Recovering will take all of that strength you summoned up as her Caregiver.
 

I marked the time as you are doing now, and 18 months later I still mark the day she died each month so I don't forget to her the flowers I promised her.

 

To lose a soul mate is to lose half of yourself and the world the two of you created. 

 

It does help if you can find a counselor, friend, family member, whoever, to talk to who can help you process your terrible loss.

 

 

 


Army_Vet60
Posted: Wednesday, February 17, 2021 7:09 AM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 962


chrisp1653 wrote:

Hi Chris. I'm Chris too, and my Barbara left this life this past December 20 at about 8:20 pm. 

Her teddy bear sits on the other side of the bed, and I remind him at night that mommy is depending on him to be strong.

I'm getting better - slowly. I posted here a bit ago that closure is a journey. I'm sorry for anyone who has to take that journey, but I believe if we travel it together, the road becomes a little less bumpy.

 
 

Hi, I didn't know your LO died recently. If you posted it, I couldn't find it. Please accept my condolences on your loss.

 
I did find the post where you posted a poem you wrote about your wife. It was expressed beautifully.
 
I noticed that we have some things in common in how we are grieving.
 
I also express my self better writing poetry than I do speaking....
 
Also, after my wife left, I found her childhood teddy bear in the closet. It looked at me in a way that said "Don't throw me away, Put me on her side of the bed." That bear has been my best friend since.
 
Finally, I am glad that you recognize recovery is a long road and that you are going slow in order to recover at all. It is a long road - I'm 18 months into my journey to wherever the destination lies.

ChrisBme
Posted: Wednesday, February 17, 2021 6:07 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 116


chrisp1653,

 Hi Chris...  So sorry that you are going through this also! I know that there were so many things I want to share with my DW as you! Hoping that we all can find the light that will guide us through this darkness.


ChrisBme
Posted: Wednesday, February 17, 2021 10:19 PM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 116


Thank you Army_Vet60 for your kind words!