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Big blow up at work!!!!
llee08032
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 10:22 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I blew my top with a person I supervise. It was bad. I totally lost control! I was screaming and even used the f-word for what felt like over 5 minutes! I eventually hung up on her and immediately called my supervisor and told her that I went over the edge and was beyond inappropriate and that I was horribly wrong for screaming at the staff. I didn't make any excuses for my behavior. I was almost ready to tell her about dx as I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. 

I have never, ever have acted like this in the workplace before! Needless to say I am very upset and concerned about what this means as far as my capacity to function in the work world. Otherwise, I know what this means as far as what will follow. But I am concerned about working right now. Work is a big part of my identity. I feel I still have a lot to give and teach. I'm not ready to deal with the financial consequences of what not working will look like for me. 

 


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:15 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I was relieved and felt a weight lifted off me following the meeting nevertheless, I am scared and concerned...
llee08032
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:20 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


It's something how you can start a post feeling one way (concerned and fearful about losing my job) and then as you write the other feelings set in at the end. And yes, I am said and tearful about what this really means otherwise.
alz+
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:35 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


Oh gee whiz, when as a life long person of integrity and long time professional educated woman "blows up" at work- what a shock to the system. I am so sorry.

What perception of this gives you peace?

      I can tell you I have had a couple moments where I exploded on people - I posted once about being a maniac in the waiting room (I typed "living room" first!) of a doctor who was a specialist in ALZ. 
      In that retelling I knew if I were black the police would have been called on me. It was more than a year later I discovered that the fights in the car - the high tension, was from MY VISION deficits. My brain was seeing things rushing at me, cars too close, stops not safe - basicly panic which paired with ptsd sense of being at the mercy of violence and helpless.
      The panic not being known for what it was not helped  but argued with, turned to rage.

     More than a year later before I figured out I needed to sit in the back seat of car where i could not see traffic, immediately no more panic, fear, fighting. Then I felt not responsible for the scene I created at doctor's office or the bad times for my husband driving us places.

      You handled this with super grace and intelligence. One guess is it has to do with using a telephone. 

       This is why I try to get people to look at emotional and situation and not take it personally. To get interested in how the disease  reveals itself and find ways of working with it instead of being as offended as the doctor was, and the shame and fear of repercussions. Know you handled this PERFECTLY and increased people's confidence in you, you set a good example for the people who were slacking off, and you know your supervisor was probably in jealous admiration and understood.

The part you were responsible for, after the yelling phone call, you handled better than well. The other parts, the shame and fear will be resolved before long I hope.

forgive yourself quickly. Look for a trigger. Breathe again.

Love you and admire you. Thank you for sharing such a personal and valuable story.


apinkswan
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:43 AM
Joined: 12/14/2015
Posts: 20


llee, I am so sorry this happened to you.  I am glad things all worked out for you, in the end!  

I totally understand the blowing up.  I have been doing that a bit now, too.  My husband doesn't know what to do with me when I get this way.  I think it's even more difficult that we know this is happening to us.  It's happening and we just can't seem to control it.  It's scary and I'm sure even worse for you, as you are still working and a responsible person.

I have posted on the swearing before and I still can't wrap my head around it.  Sometimes I just don't want to talk to anyone for fear of what word is going to come out of my mouth, but I still talk, still fight it, and hope for the best!

Anyway, I am glad writing it out helps.  I know it helps me, too.

Hugs to you,

Pink  


Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 12:47 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 12158


llee, I am so sorry and I can see you are being very hard on yourself.  It must have been a bit scary.   You are indeed a professional; you caught this immediately and you took appropriate action immediately.   You are still you and what those two workers did obviously hit a very tender spot within yourself that turned out to be a trigger for anger.   I am so glad your boss stood behind you and admonished and warned the others which does indeed help your continued credibility and worth within your organization.

Now that you know that trigger, you can be prepared for it in the future.  Also, do you think that in the future you would like to continue to address something like this on the phone, or would you do better calling them in and handling this in person, face to face, so you can see the others and their expressions and body language?  Something to think about.

I have a trigger of my own and that is someone mistreating someone else; and if that person is smaller, at risk or cannot defend themselves, I see white hot and steam starts coming out of my ears.  Very little makes me go "off," but that one really does me in.   It is so utterly rare that I lose myself in high anger that when I do; I feel shaky and sick afterward.   Not my thing and I imagine not yours either.

If you find yourself being okay; forgive yourself and let you move forward.   If however, you begin to feel anger becoming more of a presence, then you may wish to make an appointment with your specialist to have it all assessed in the broader scheme of things and see if you need any adjustment in treatment.  I'm willing to bet this was a one time "thing" with a trigger on behalf of a client who was at great risk.

llee, you are an awesome, very intelligent person who is a fine professional; be good to yourself, (and frankly, in thinking of the risk they put someone in, those two sounded as though a boot planted on the seat of their pants was warranted.)

Hugs to you,

J.


Agent 99
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 2:15 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166


Humongous bear hugs llee.  



BillBRNC
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 2:29 PM
Joined: 12/2/2015
Posts: 1018


llee, I so sorry you had to experience this. I've had a number of minor exposions directed towards a service person or my wife. I too immediately apologixed. I'm retired, and I can't imagine how you must have felt for it to happen in a work place, so I am doubly sorry for what you went through. I had a nuclear explosion at my wife over Christmas while I was having a fairly large explosion with a hotel clerk. My wife interrupted me, then she just touched my arm, and I almost hit her right there in front of everyone, and I've never even thought of striking my wife of almost 40 years before or even having a real argument.  I had totally lost control, Fortunate for me and everyone I caught my self before I actually hit my wife, but the whole thing scared the heck out of everyone around, including me. I immediately apologized to my wife, who seemed to understand at the time, but things didn't get much better with the clerk. When we finally got to our room, I was a complete mess. It was the first time I had a nuclear event, but I've had plenty of bad events. If your experience was the first time for you, then I imagine you are really scared about it and what it happening to you, and yes of course your job. Sounds like you work with very understanding people. I don't know what to say, other than the calmer I can keep myself and everything around me, the less likely I am to have a problem on many different fronts of the Alz war. Good luck.
Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 3:18 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


Ilee, too, am sorry this happened.  But it is indeed a wake up call for you.  I won't repeat what Johanna, Alz+, or Bill have said. I will say that you have been under a strain and you are not ameliorating it.  Meaning, you are not getting enough sleep, and you are overdoing your activities.  You need to balance every day.   


Since you are working, when you come home, you need to decompress.  You need to take a load off.  Do whatever you have to do to make your life easier for yourself!  It's a necessity, not a luxury!


Iris L.


alz+
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 3:43 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


Iris - you posted last week about having ONE major project a week to avoid this sort of overwhelmed brain and the problems that it creates.

I have been thinking  about that and considered clearing the floor in little laundry room to be my current thing, but today, what with back pain and headache I am changing it to one good bath and hair wash in order to go to church on Sunday.

I am stunned at how strong and healthy L lee is in being able to continue in high level position. 

Lots of admiration for her, and hope she figures out her own personal triggers and can keep the job with some extra support as long as SHE wishes.

Love to all of us


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 3:53 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


Alz+, I said, "one activity a day."  When it was said to me, it meant going out to only one activity a day.  Such as to the supermarket, but not to the supermarket and to the library.  


At one time, I had to break up my marketing--I could not spend the time it took for me to complete my shopping.   I knew I would pay for it later.


There were times when I could not do any outside activity--I spent entire days recuperating  from a prior brief activity.  I learned what I needed, and did it.


Iris L.


alz+
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 6:31 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


well I missed the DAY part didn't I? and I was so thrilled with the idea of one big deal a WEEK! ha!

But maybe I can think about this some more, choose one big deal a week for some ting I just would love to do. and then one not-so-big-anymore deal for each day when up to it.

The instruction/advice is so helpful it stunned me.

there is something in this you  might know, about EXPECTATIONs   of ourselves. It gets old trying to figure what would work and what won't every hour.

I did get a good hot soak bath, hair washed, and then scrubbed while watching a BBC documentary on the brain with David Eagleman via Youtube and my tablet. 

Lower stress and regain 50% cognition.

Don't know how to figure out when expectations are helpful, beneficial, and when they are making me feel like a loser dead beat.

Interested. You got a lot of good advice, you selected interesting ideas that work so well and so often. Did you ever post a list of your own best advice? very cool. thank you.


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2016 11:16 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


Alz, I have copied lots of pertinent advice from the members here, both patients and caregivers.  I have to rely on the members, because I have found the professionals I deal with to be so lacking and so clueless.  I would be lost without these message board members.


Iris L.


w/e
Posted: Sunday, February 7, 2016 12:26 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1752


Ilee soft hugs for you...Meltdowns at work are very disquieting... Been there, done that... And even when the issue is resolved; it keeps consuming the mind and the heart... It takes a while for the complete healing of the mind and the healing of the heart... To forgive oneself for a moment of weakness.

What can I say... In spite of the meltdown, you handle the situation with dignity and grace... Good for you. Now try to put your mind at ease... You responded to a difficult situation. You lost your cool with impossible people at the office. In my opinion, your reaction was not because of dementia. The frustrating situation caused the reaction... could you have handled it a tad calmer?... maybe.  

  Ilee, it seems to me that you are under quite a bit of stress. Therefore meltdowns are going to happen.  Anxiety and fear of the unknown in one's life; it is often overwhelming. It seems that there are many un-answered questions in your life right now... May be you are grieving also for Ilee.... And grieving is painful and difficult, as you well know.

 Be gentle with yourself. Have compassion for Ilee. Please do not let your confidence collapse. Do not lose your pillars of well-being. Give Ilee a soft hug. And tell her that everything is okay now. And everything will be okay in the future. Tell Ilee to get on with enjoying life once more. Courageously. With tranquility. And in peace. Love and nurture yourself, dear friend. The courage to be is inside of you.


Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, February 7, 2016 8:00 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 12158


Good morning to you friend.   How are you doing llee?  Hope that things have settled a bit better for you and that you are okay.

Lots of warm thoughts coming your way as always, and here are two big hugs for you.  One to use now, and the other one to put in your pocket and take out when you really need one.

May your day be  good one,

J.


llee08032
Posted: Sunday, February 7, 2016 9:35 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Thank you (((((all)))) for your comforting words and thoughts...such good friends you all are! I appreciate each and everyone of you.


I have a trigger of my own and that is someone mistreating someone else; and if that person is smaller, at risk or cannot defend themselves, I see white hot and steam starts coming out of my ears.  Very little makes me go "off," but that one really does me in.   It is so utterly rare that I lose myself in high anger that when I do; I feel shaky and sick afterward.   Not my thing and I imagine not yours either.


Jo, you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly my trigger and it sets my hair on fire when vulnerable persons are not provided the highest standards of care, mistreated or put at risk due to incompetence. I have been aware of this for years and have always sought supervision prior to addressing the staff in preparation of dealing with performance issues similar to this situation.  This situation has been ongoing with these 2 particular workers. It's mainly the supervisor who seems to think that she has the clinical skill set to deviate from the treatment protocols and do her own thing. Her own thing is always what's most convenient for her and never in the best interest of the person being provided care. 


Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, February 7, 2016 12:17 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


I understand more clearly now, Ilee, what got you to blow up.  What more could you do?  You have been doing what you needed to do already.  Keep documenting.  


People like this dig their own hole and will eventually fall in.  But it may take a while.  And other people may fall in the hole with them.  Don't you fall into her hole!


Iris L.






Agent 99
Posted: Sunday, February 7, 2016 4:08 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2166


Thank you for adding the extra details.  I think that given this person's history and the organization's unwillingness to deal with the situation, it would be best for you to only deal with her with someone else in the room with you.  If contacts by phone can be avoided such as by screening her incoming calls then that's how I would approach it.  If you need to speak directly to her, then bring someone "neutral" on the line with you - a conference call.  People like her are experts in their deceptive and bullying ways and passionate, caring, responsible, ethical people don't stand a chance against her.  Like you said, she will not change and like my sweetie used to say his mother said - you can't change the spots on a leopard.  

Most likely, and I don't say this to scare you, she will try to make something out of the incident.  It would be a good preemptive move to speak to management and suggest having a third party involved when you have dealings with her.  If the organization is scared to confront her because of the historical legal stuff they will have to take action beyond the apology and this way, you have presented the solution to management/organization and they can claim they came up with it as a response to the incident.

The other thing is to document as much as possible what she did in that situation for your records.  

I am so sorry you had to go through this coupled with the very real concern for your health.  Jo C.s advice as well as others is right on.  Much to Jo's dismay, I have always felt, that if Jo told me to jump off a bridge I would!  Okay Jo, If you told me to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, I would!

Not to diminish your experience but when I asked my manager to take over a program that had failed to prevent loss of life over a ten year period and he felt he couldn't reassign it to me for personnel reasons, I called him a baby killer.  I got the program and there hans't been one toddler drowning in that agency's facilities from the year I took over until I left the agency and beyond that until now - 16 years.   That's when I learned I was passionate!

Keep us posted.  More bear hugs!



Peter5
Posted: Monday, February 8, 2016 3:52 PM
Joined: 5/30/2013
Posts: 1194


I'm really sorry this happened and that you find yourself in this situation.  However, I would really urge you to take this as a warning, and immediately start working on an "exit strategy" for yourself when the time comes.  I know you don't want to do this, but having a well planned strategy will assure that you are able to leave the workforce with all of the benefits you are entitled to.  The implications of not having a plan in place are huge. 

Besides a plan, you need someone you can trust that can advocate for you, or at least help negotiate complex issues when the time comes; especially once your diagnosis becomes known to your employer. 

My wife's exit from work was precipitated by a situation very similar to what you describe; an employee that was a trouble maker and had been for years.  Fortunately for us, her supervisor and human resources were very good to work with us on trasitioning her out of the workplace.  I do not think she would have been able to navigate this transition without me.  Don't try and do this alone.

I hate to be negative, but truth doesn't always prevail, especially in light of a dementia diagnosis.  I also wouldn't underestimate just how much trouble this employee can cause you, and how fast things can change.  She hasn't managed to stay with the company this long by playing by the rules. 


Iris L.
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 10:19 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


llee08032 wrote:

Alz+ and Iris, Love the idea of one major thing a day and how alz+ turned it around to suit her


Ha-ha!  What I said was one activity a day, not a major activity.  A major activity a day?  Way too much activity for me!    A major activity might require 2-3 days of rest, or even more days.  


The thought is, pace yourself, and don't overtire yourself.


I also balance brief activities with rest.  For example, 15 minutes of dish washing, followed by 15 min of rest, then 15 minutes of something else.  This also helps with lessening becoming distracted.


Iris L.

alz+
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 10:55 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


L lee - this is a useless quip about a serious situation but am posting it anyway.

Give these 2 a promotion to an office in basement, dim light and no heat.

************

Seriously, I understand the outrage when someone defenseless is being harmed, and come to their rescue, but then to be in charge of those people. 

Now not sure the outrage response was even misplaced.

Is there a law that people with disabilities have to be accommodated? As to your position, could someone pick  apart of your job you don't like doing?

One major thing a WEEK ! Ha! I read something and it translates now in my head to my dream of what I wish I was being told!


Iris L.
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 11:29 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


Alz, if one activity a week is all you can do, it's all you can do.  We have to know ourselves, and not follow someone else's timeline.  


There was a time when I could barely roll over in bed.  I rehabilitated myself to where I am today.  I did this  by ignoring professionals, and only listening to my fellow patients.


This is what I did for myself.  I am not advising anyone to disregard their own professionals.  


Iris L.


Peter5
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 1:27 PM
Joined: 5/30/2013
Posts: 1194


"...I am not sure how to initiate an exit strategy or plan but assume that one does this when they are close to leaving. I am not yet ready to leave."

I hate to belabor the point, but you need to explore your options and have a plan in place NOW.  A plan with a lot of "what ifs" of "if this happens, then..."  It doesn't mean the plan doesn't change as time goes on, but you really do need to be prepared in case you get "blindsided" one day.  I know there are laws and things in place to protect people with disabilities, but they don't always work.  As things progress, it will be more difficult for you to negotiate this journey alone.  Its really easy for the workplace to take advantage of an employee with a dementia diagnosis in a high stress situation. 


Iris L.
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 8:39 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 17580


I agree, Ilee. It's a good idea to have a Plan B and possibly a Plan C.  Keep these plans under wraps, of course.

Iris L.


llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2016 8:55 PM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Peter,

Your not belaboring the point at all. I appreciate your looking out for me. Your right disability laws don't always work in our favor. I will try to come up with some type of plans and am open to suggestions. Thank you!


alz+,

 Unfortunately "those people" work throughout all the helping fields for some reason. I don't know what the draw is for them other than they get to try and control someone else's life. 


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, February 11, 2016 8:37 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Losing control right or wrong is a frightening experience! I never want this to happen with someone I love. I don't want to hurt anyone. None of us want to hurt others.
llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, March 1, 2016 9:55 PM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I'm swearing a lot at work! Not at anyone directly. It shocks me after I do it but it's like I can't help myself it just pops out of my mouth. I want this to go away! I'm getting strange looks "like did she really say that?" Unfortunately, I really said that. If anyone has any ideas of how I can stop myself other than just shutting up all together I'd like to hear about them. I think partly I'm doing it for emphasis on what I'm trying to say because I can't come up with the right word or expression. I feel like I'm losing my grip.

 Michael I may need some employment advice. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.


julielarson
Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 4:01 AM
Joined: 9/30/2015
Posts: 1155


I can so relate to this post, and I found that my problems are why I finally had to leave my job. I had two situations where I did not handle them right at all and I was embarrassed and could not get a grip on myself along with the other problems I was having there caused me to realize I needed a big change and so I had the opportunity to leave and took it. That was a year ago and I am so glad I did it now but it was so hard going through it. I remember wondering what my problem was and now I see that it was all apart of this thing that is going on inside of me.
The_Sun_Still_Rises
Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 4:28 AM
Joined: 7/24/2015
Posts: 3020


llee08032 wrote:
Michael I may need some employment advice. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may actually want legal advice of attorney consult on this, rather than us internet peeps.  My suggestion in that, if you do no have one, is call few them from phone book or ads...as they will usually talk you for bout 20 minutes free...telling you what they'd do.  No onl is this good, sound, free advice...it will help you decide which one go with should you eve choose hire one.

The general way peop leave their job...aft be diagnosed...is on worker disability...as this generally pays much much more an more bett than social security disability.  This, however, likely involves telling you boss at some point...an I would strongly suggest legal counsel on how do that best way, protect you legally. 

Each worker insurance be diff, of course....but...what little I know of one them...they pay you something like 60% your top quarter income until age 65.  What I gathered from that is...if you have an ability do...if no already done so...may be spend quarter working as much over time as you can...just a thought.  Gain, legal advice best thing be get on how best do this.

On pers note, I be so sorry that you are coming closer time have leave job...I can no eve imagine how hard this will be you, or fears stress you may be face because of...you have my empathy, sympathy this process. Dementia totally sucks this way...the series of significant losses...no just the job, but this way in which you see you self as employee...an how frame world life.  ((Hugs))...hang in there Llee.  <3



Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 7:18 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 4036


Its a good thing Sun highlighted my name as I would have never looked at this post as there is to much information. I will look it over to get up to speed. Give me a call and I will see how we can make this best for you.  (267) 483-7234


BillBRNC
Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 7:37 AM
Joined: 12/2/2015
Posts: 1018


llee, I retired for other reason back when I first started having some minimal symptoms, which I thought then were related to something else, so I never had to deal with maintaining a work life when the progession of symptoms started getting worse as they have been for the past few years. I can't help but admire those of you who are working while suffering from this terrible disease. I don't know how you do it. Yes, you need to consult a labor and employment attorney. I'd bet the local Alz Association has a couple they work with and know well, and who don't charge much or provide a free initial consult. You do need to have your options clear in your mind as you decide what to do. I'm just glad I didn't have to go though what you are going through, but you seem to be handling it so well. Good luck. Bill.
TheSteven
Posted: Wednesday, March 2, 2016 12:07 PM
Joined: 10/11/2014
Posts: 167


Hi llee08032,

While you worry wait to talk to Michael about saving your job, have you looked into your mouth for dark mercury dental fillings? If you have them, they may be the source of all your problems. You will see anger and memory disorders as well as ALZ in the list. If the mercury gets to your fronto temporal lobes it will affect your emotions such as anger. See http://amalgam.org/education/scientific-evidenceresearch/results-removal-amalgam-fillings/ or

http://www.fda.gov/ohrms/dockets/dailys/02/Sep02/091602/80027dde.pdf


I have more links to this type of information about this in my July 4, 2015 blog entry at http://thestevenalztreatment.blogspot.com


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, March 3, 2016 7:47 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


There was a complaint filed against me. I am too upset to post. Michael I'll give you a call over the weekend. Thanks for your support everyone.
Mimi S.
Posted: Thursday, March 3, 2016 8:29 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7027


Lee your bosses have been supportive in the past.  Has something changed?

Do you have any referrals to a good Labor Lawyer in your area?


Unforgiven
Posted: Thursday, March 3, 2016 12:50 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2660


I'm so sorry to hear this, Llee.  All I can offer is cyber-hugs and commiseration.