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Is this how it is for everyone?
problem child
Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2019 10:12 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


This is really a nightmare. My mom's mom had dementia she died from it in 2013 My mom is acting just like her mom used to but there is no diagnosis. My dad is closer to having a diagnosis because he had an episode where he lost his car and someone called 911 because he was pacing or wandering alone in the heat. I live with them and I am on disability myself. I am not paying any rent to them but in the summer I give some money because I use an a/c in my room. Thanksgiving was pretty bad I cooked all day and started the night before with chopping to make a nice meal for us. It is not easy to do and everything takes me a super long time. My mom stacks all kinds of old dirty pans in the oven so you are really wore out before even getting anything in the oven from having to move all this stuff. She sets up brooms and mops and step ladder in the kitchen and runs up behind me when cooking opening the oven it doesn't matter. My dad was so upset he got his pants a little dirty and said they were ruined. I told him we will just wash them they are not ruined. But my mom won't let us wash his pants he wore them the next day all dirty still. There is stacks of food piled on top of the washer so I won't use it. My dad has high sugar the doctor gave my mom instructions for his meals but now I am not allowed to cook (I made the low sugar meals) and my mom doesn't cook. I told my dad after Thanksgiving that I was having a hard time taking care of myself I am discouraged (yelled at) from taking a shower and eating is a real problem because my mom thinks all the food is hers even my own food. I told my Dad that I was scared and he said he was scared too Today when things seem even worse I tried to talk to him about what was happening and he told me not to cook or to do anything because she is getting mad. She is the one buying me oven mitts because I do all the cooking. This is so confusing and there is no one to help with any of these things. Also my dad likes to feed the birds but he pours cups of food all over the yard. Their neighbor already moved out because of the bird (and other) problem. The birds brought tons fleas to the yard and now they are in the house. These people were very abusive to me starting when I was small and now I am having flashbacks of the abuse. Most of these things probably aren't dementia because they have always been this way it is just somehow worse now.
RobOT
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 12:51 AM
Joined: 3/12/2017
Posts: 129


No, it's not like this for everyone. When I started taking care of my father, he had let rats get into the house, and there was a two-foot, moldy hole in the kitchen ceiling--his dementia was blocking his good judgement.  Like the fleas and what sounds like some kind of hoarding/avoidance behaviors, these things are serious health hazards. If your mother is abusing your father (such as avoiding his diabetic diet) you might try calling adult protective services in your area. If he's saying he's scared, and with the lack of care and sanitation in the house, everyone is at risk.  Good luck, I hope this helps.
terei
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 7:22 AM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 628


You are clearly overwhelmed with demands that you cannot meet.  I would call your county social services department + find out what department can help with senior issue like this + try to get someone to your home to assess the situation + possible offer help + solutions
Beachfan
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 8:04 AM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 500


Do you have any family nearby (or within a reasonable distance) who could help out immediately until you can make more permanent arrangements?  terei and RobOT have offered some good suggestions.  You may very well need outside intervention to start to solve this problem.  Good luck.
eaglemom
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 8:56 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2520


Welcome to the message boards problem child. I'm glad that you've found us. Please look around the entire website as you will find valuable information. Make certain to look under the solutions section at the top of this page. It has numerous topics and you can click on one and find helpful information.

Your in a very unfortunate situation, and you know it. The easy answer to your question is no, what you describe isn't how it is for everyone. However, each one of us is different, as are our LO's. Each situation is unique to that individual. To that situation and environment.

Clearly this situation isn't healthy for anyone. Have your parents been to a physician? A neurologist? And followed their advice? Did the physician not offer any suggestions for the current situation? Do you have any siblings? If so where are they in this situation? If no siblings are there any other family members? I fear your answer will be no one else is able to help you. Which means of course the burden falls on you. However, since you say your not able to handle this anymore, what are your plans? Moving out? Your disability - is your physician aware of your current situation? 

It is time for you to reach out for help. Help for you and help for your parents. Contact the physicians office and ask them where you need to turn for help/aid. What about contacting social services? Since you state a neighbor moved away because of this situation - has the city contacted you? 

I'm sorry your in this situation. It will not be fixed overnight. You are going to have to make the first move in changing it. We are here to help and listen. 

eagle


problem child
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 10:32 AM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


They both go to the doctor they have the same doctor. He has not diagnosed them with dementia as far as I know. When my dad lost his car and ended up in the ER they gave some paperwork that said he had amnesia and what could be causing it and dementia was listed but this was not a diagnosis. They told him not to drive and to see a neurologist. My mom took his car keys away (she didn't want him going out anyway) but she didn't get any referral to a neurologist for him and when I bring it up or say I will do it she screams.

 I have one sister only. She is not far but she never comes here. Years ago I told her our parents are getting older and will be needing some help and she said she hopes no one expects her to do anything so that is that. All other relatives are back east. My dad's oldest brother just died. He has a younger brother but we don't see him. They have only been talking on the phone recently because of the death of their brother. My mom was actually very cruel to my dad about his brother's death she told him your brother is dead and that won't even make you eat right and take care of yourself. My dad really can't take care of himself all the time. : (  

I know this is a bad situation it is so hard to get help. A few years ago my dad was starting to go downhill and he was using way too much bleach and rubbing alcohol and bug spray. All the strong smells freaked me out and I emailed a dementia organization and they sent the police over. My dad denied it and said I made it up and nothing came of it so this will probably be the same. Now I see he was (and still kind of does) using all that stuff because of all the fleas in the yard. My mom won't call an exterminator and my dad was trying to take care of the yard and house on his own and he was not up to it all. He would be standing out there in the pouring rain watering plants. 

When the neighbor moved out I don't think he called the homeowners association. Before he moved out he came over and talked to my dad about all the junk in the yard, the plants being overgrown or dead, the irrigation system not working, too many birds things like that. He said if my dad didn't take care of it he was either going to call homeowners or sell his house. I went out there immediately and trimmed the dead bushes and we got rid of some of the junk but he still put his house up for sale then moved. My dad only stopped feeding the birds for a short amount of time during all this. The first thing in the morning he would announce that he can't feed his birds anymore and be very sad and obsessed about it. Then he would just sneak out and do it and now he just goes out in the yard whenever and pours cups of bird seed everywhere. I threw his birdseed and bird houses away in September when I had a real good look around the yard and everything was covered in fleas. He had curtains hanging from the a/c unit outside trying to protect it from the sun.  The fleas are now in the house big time and they are all over me since I cleaned the patio in September.  But after he was in the hospital I took him to the store to get groceries and he bought bird seed and bird houses again. There was no stopping him. 

I haven't been to the doctor in quite awhile. I have been on disability since 2006. Then they took it away last December and I asked for reconsideration and they gave it back to me in August. I am insured now but I have to wait until March to get both parts of my insurance working together (Medicare and medicaid) then I can get on track hopefully. It will be with all new doctors and everything for me.

I want to move out but I don't have anywhere to go. 


star26
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 7:02 PM
Joined: 2/6/2018
Posts: 314


I am wondering if it might be possible for you to stay with your sister until you are able to arrange another place?  Besides it being much better for your health and sanity, I think some separation from the extreme issues at your parents house might also assist with helping them. Like previous posters, I also think a call to Adult Protective Services (APS) is in order. I would make these 2 things your top priority: getting out of that house and contacting a local government agency for guidance. It might even be more of an impetus for APS to take some action if you (a competent adult) are not living there. You need help and if you were not there to clean up some of the messes etc, the resulting fiasco might be enough for an agency like APS to really see the problem and take some action with you or for you. I think everything in your life will be improved once you are not living in that situation: it might even be a bit easier to help your parents. It’s sad that your sister has no interest in helping your parents. I hope that she would at least want to help her sister. Maybe you could tell her that you are trying to take on her share of the work but in order for you to do that, you need a safe and healthy temporary place to live. That’s how she can help your parents right now- by helping you help them? Just an idea. It really does sound like a nightmare, as you said. Keep coming back to this forum, it can help.
Dave Cahail
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 7:46 PM
Joined: 6/24/2018
Posts: 41


First of all, you are not a problem child. You are a good son doing the best you can. But you do need help for your parents and for you to take care of yourself. 

I am really sorry you are going through this and you definitely can use the assistance of adult protective services and the Alzheimers org. Please contact them for assistance as soon as you can. They can help point you to all kinds of services to engage. I am also concerned based upon your situation description that you and your parents may be in a very unhealthful situation which may result in your public health department needing to get involved. 

As in many families dealing with loved ones with Alzheimers and/or Dementia, there are usually some family members that don't understand what is going on and/or don't want to get involved. This usually leads to one person trying to do it all and you just can't do it without impacting your own health and sanity. Just another reason to ask for help. 

Did your parents make you their durable power of attorney for their medical and financial needs? Do you know their attorney that you might be able to work with on this? I highly suggest you look into this as soon as possible as you may need to make some very necessary and difficult decisions. 

Bottom line is, keep reaching out for assistance as you and your parents need it and there are many services available to help.


problem child
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 9:31 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Thank you all for your very kind and thoughtful posts. I am a daughter not a son : ) Staying with my sister is not an option at all. It is all very confusing because my family has always been kind of off so it's really hard for me to tell what is in the bounds of being normal and what is just unacceptable. There is no will, no power of attorney. No exterminator, no landscaping, (even though everyone in this area gets it done regularly)  broken irrigation system. Everything is just going down the tubes and no one is doing a thing. My mom has all the money in her accounts and she won't spend a dime. I don't know what they expect to happen by letting everything go.
Suziesb
Posted: Thursday, December 5, 2019 10:41 PM
Joined: 5/22/2018
Posts: 360


PC,  please, please, take the advice here and call for help. Your situation breaks my heart. You deserve more and so does your father.  Adult Protective Services are there to keep people safe; they're staffed by professional social workers. Please reach out to them and tell them how you're worried about the health and safety in the home. It is not your fault. It sounds like you have done all you can and you're trying to keep it all together. Hopefully they will send a social worker out to do a home visit. If they don't, don't give up. Persist and call them again. You can't do this alone.  If also call your father's doctor and request a home health social worker visit.
SunnyBeBe
Posted: Friday, December 6, 2019 5:09 PM
Joined: 10/9/2014
Posts: 1133


I'd also add that you might arrange to speak with social workers outside the hearing range of your parents. It sounds like you changed your story before, due to it upsetting your dad when the police were called.  The truth is what the social worker needs to know.  Your parents version of the situation may not be accurate. 

The situations that you have described are complex and challenging.  It likely will take a team of people to figure out remedies and see to it that things are done properly.  It sounds like your health does not allow you to do it at this time, so, ask for help for you all, until you get it. Social services are required to conduct an investigation when they receive  a report that a seniors welfare is in danger. 


problem child
Posted: Friday, December 6, 2019 6:20 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


I didn't change my story when the police came. It just wasn't alarming to the police and it was to me at the time. Now that I see that things can get so much worse I get it.  My dad could be better taken care of that's for sure but he is happy as a clam most of the time. (Except for when he doesn't get his way).  Even when we picked him up in the ER he was smiling and happy and just wanted hot dogs. He is like a little kid now really. If someone with some authority could just tell my mom that we all need to have clean clothes and shower and the a/c turned on when it's too hot and to get caught up on home maintenance then things would be pretty manageable.  She has changed over the past 2 or 3 weeks to where she will have an outburst at any time. Also her facial expression just looks so different and off to me now it freaks me out.

 I remember my grandma the last time I saw her in 2001 she would have these outbursts. Bang on the table at a restaurant, yell at dinner at home.   Also our whole family went out to lunch with her and it started raining and she didn't want to go out in it so we just stayed in the restaurant until the rain stopped we were there for dinner. My mom is similar meal times are now a nightmare. My mom visited her mom in 2011 and she said she was real bad.  My mom said when she woke up in the mornings all the furniture was moved in front of the doors to keep people out. 


Goodtogo
Posted: Friday, December 6, 2019 8:00 PM
Joined: 11/27/2017
Posts: 46


Welcome,

You might want to consider having her checked for a UTI, they can present differently, and a change in behavior is a flag.  The OTC test strips are a ok or consider an urgent care visit.  

When my LO had a UTI her behavior changed, but she did not show the other classic signs.  Her personality and behavior was all over the place.  

Please do consider calling the help line and ask to speak with a care consultant.  Many states have services for senior help and can provide resources, aka agency for the aging.  

I don’t post often, but found this to be a safe place and read as much as I could.  Take a deep breath, we are here to help and listen.

 


problem child
Posted: Saturday, December 7, 2019 8:58 AM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


It could be a UTI she had one maybe a year ago. She calls her doctor or urgent care when things get bad enough for her. I am really not up to doing all these things for them. I feel pretty bad most of the time and she is very mean to me. In the summer they keep it too hot (it was 86 degrees some days in the house) and they wanted me to cook these big elaborate meals in the heat. They would come in the kitchen and say wow it's hot and run out but never turn the air on.   They would tell me what temperature the oven had to be on to make their meal and kept marching through the kitchen saying they would clean up (which really means cook the meal but don't use any water). They went out once and came back with 400 pounds of landscaping rocks in the trunk of their car then my dad couldn't get them out so I had to put it all in buckets and put it in the yard. It is a crap shoot if I get my mail or not around the holidays they act bizarre my dad waits by the mail box for the mail man and my mom tells our relatives to write her name on my mail. When my grandma died there was 2 parts of the money she left to us, when her house sold and then when her belongings sold. I got the first part of the money then my mom told me we were each getting $1000 for the second part and my mom never gave it to me. 

I was married and my husband died in November 2004. I was just diagnosed with a brain tumor in February of that year and I wasn't working. My grandma sent money to me for my husband's funeral and my parents kept it and bought my sister a car with it. That is why I can't ask her for any help with these things. I feel so sick and worried most of the time and I don't think I can get out of here and I don't want to make coffee and pizza and croissants for them anymore my dad is supposed to be on a low sugar diet but my mom stopped buying anything for the sugar free recipes. I don't know what to do.


Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, December 7, 2019 3:16 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10971


Hello and I send a very warm welcome to you.   I am SO sorry for what is happening.  You are not at all a problem child, you are a good daughter; with your situation and disability, you are actually the person being emotionally abused and also the one suffering some withholding of basics to live decently because of your mother's severe and inappropriate outlandish behaviors.

The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24  Hour Helpline that is open 365 days a year and can be reached at (800) 272-3900.  There are no fees for this service.   If you call, please ask to be put in touch with a Care Consultant.  Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who are very kind, very supportive, who have much information and who can often assist us with our problem solving.  Sometimes it is just a good place to be able to talk and be heard.

You are in a bad situation with no ability to help and control what is happening.  I so wish there were another living situation for you.   It may be that there is some assistance for this, a Social Worker would be very helpful.   I so hope you can reach out for help.

Nothing will change until your mother receives care for her mental status, and that may take some time to happen.  I am truly sorry for how things are.

We are here in support of one another and that now means you too.   Let us know how you are, we truly do care.  In the meantime, it would be good to know what state you live in as perhaps someone will know of services that may be helpful.

Warmest thoughts are being sent your way,

J.


problem child
Posted: Saturday, December 7, 2019 5:29 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Well my mom went to church so I washed my dad's pants. He was so happy when I told him I was going to wash them and he had some shorts he wanted washed too. Maybe I will get a portable washer so we don't have to wait all week for clean stuff. I don't want to ditch him just yet I want him to be ok and I don't know if I can live alone also.
Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2019 2:10 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10971


Success!   Congratulations, that must have felt so good to have that taken care of.  That is great.

J.


problem child
Posted: Sunday, December 8, 2019 8:11 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


I see there are small apartments not too far from me that are furnished and have internet and cable and I can bring my dog because he is under 20 pounds. I feel so happy right now I can get away at any time now. I cannot afford it on my disability money alone but I have some savings I will have to use. I have appointment to take my car to get fixed Tuesday then I can pack it if I want to.  Things are looking up I hope that I can do this sometime real soon. My dad seems to be ok for now. I will tell him after my car is fixed or at the last minute that I have to go. He is pretty easy to handle most of the time I just hope that my mom will be nice to him. My dad takes my dog for a walk most evenings my dog is going to miss him. I don't want to be here on Christmas.
problem child
Posted: Monday, December 9, 2019 5:29 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Well I asked her if everything was ok cause it is after 4 pm and nobody has eaten anything since I have been up except for my mom. My dad was so hungry last night he was outside cooking in the middle of the night. I asked her if she knows that they sell UTI test strips in the store and now she thinks I have a UTI. 

Me and my dad are going to grab some fast food just waiting for the landscaping guy to call. They are having a hard time getting anyone to show up. I think because they chase and hound workers while they do anything for them and this guy probably remembers even though it was years ago. They have never had their entire yard done just one tree. They finally decided to get the entire yard done so hopefully the guy will call back. Also a plumber is coming but it is more than obvious that she doesn't want me to use her appliances and my dad is not up to cooking every day. 


problem child
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2019 6:25 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


So my dad has always cooked on the back porch. When I was growing up he had a toaster oven and solar oven outside he would use. This is not the same house, but he set up toaster ovens, george foreman grills and a microwave out there. Me and my mom threw away the George foreman grills and some of the toaster ovens a month or two ago but left the microwave and a toaster oven that he got out of the neighbor's trash in the middle of the night awhile back out there. Well yesterday when we went out to the store (he bamboozled me and bought more bird seed) he told me he has to remember to unplug the microwave before he opens it because it doesn't shut off when the door is open. We went out there and cut the cords off today.  I am beyond mad. He needs a doctor and everyone is just sitting around doing absolutely nothing waiting for something to go completely wrong.
KawKaw
Posted: Tuesday, December 10, 2019 6:50 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 233


Suziesb wrote:
PC,  please, please, take the advice here and call for help. Your situation breaks my heart. You deserve more and so does your father.  Adult Protective Services are there to keep people safe; they're staffed by professional social workers. Please reach out to them and tell them how you're worried about the health and safety in the home. It is not your fault. It sounds like you have done all you can and you're trying to keep it all together. Hopefully they will send a social worker out to do a home visit. If they don't, don't give up. Persist and call them again. You can't do this alone.  If also call your father's doctor and request a home health social worker visit.

This is critical, possibly life-saving advice. I wanted to be sure it didn't get lost among the responses you've received.

 


problem child
Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2019 11:40 AM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


I feel like she is a complete stranger when I talk to her. They gave her a 5 year medication about 4 years ago and I noticed a change in her right when she started taking it. I remember the very day she started on it. 

 I asked her about getting a portable washer and she is all double talk and excuses and she sounds so out there. I told her I would be keeping it in the bathroom and she says it won't fit in there. She has a million problems and no solutions and she is wound up tight. I feel bad for what is happening to her. 


Misssy2
Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2019 8:12 PM
Joined: 12/14/2017
Posts: 1728


Hi..I just hope that you will call Social Services and get them in there to talk to you and your Mom and Dad about solutions and HOPE....

You can't continue to live like this...

 


problem child
Posted: Thursday, December 12, 2019 11:56 AM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Well it is a battle for sure and I probably am not going about things the best way. Today she says the portable washing machine is a good idea so I will order one soon. They have a plumber here now he will fix their bathroom but also a water lever has been leaking for like a year and he will fix that and also the kitchen sink. Lanscapers coming on Saturday. I will wear her down on an exterminator next if I can. And also getting them diagnosed or at least some guidance. My mom will fight this tooth and nail but she knows it is inevitable. And we all need to throw a lot of stuff away. Things are looking up a bit and they can still do a lot. They can still have some good times together.


FreakingOut
Posted: Thursday, December 12, 2019 6:19 PM
Joined: 10/27/2019
Posts: 32


I agree with the other posters here.  You really have to call Adult Protective Services on this.  Your poor dad is being abused by your Mom, and the meds are may be what has made your mother worse.  For both their sakes, AND YOURS, you need to keep hounding the various social service agencies in your location until someone does something.  The doctors probably wanted him to see a neurologist because they suspected dementia.  If this doesn't get taken care of, something catastrophic will happen and cause all this to come to a head.  Please be proactive and get some people involved before either someone in your family and/or a stranger gets hurt or killed.  This really is a serious situation, you're not helpless (even if you feel that way due to your parents past/present abuse), please get people involved.
problem child
Posted: Friday, December 13, 2019 12:27 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Well my mom is telling me this morning that my dad is cleaning the toilet after every time he uses it. Right now he is using lysol toilet cleaner but he has been using comet and my mom asked the plumber yesterday if it is ok to pour comet down all the drains that is what my dad has been doing and they are all breaking. I told her years ago to take away all his chemicals and get child locks I think she is afraid she won't be able to open them. Everything is so strange she knows the things he is doing is screwed up but she runs and asks him what to do over every little thing and his advice is bad and her advice is always bad too. It's like they are not really trying to get anything done but trying to control the situation in their own warped way. She told me today that he is sabotaging everything. I told her he probably has obsessive compulsive where he is compelled to do these bizarre things. But some of it feels like a retaliation. 

When my mom's mom died she was getting ready to go back east alone for the funeral. My dad seemed mad I bet it was because my mom was going to be getting some money and that didn't happen with my dad's side he doesn't even go to any family funerals. Anyways she wasn't sure he was going to take her to the airport and she might need a taxi. She told me that she was afraid of my dad and to please not leave her alone with him. The night before her flight my dad 'accidentally' dumped an entire bottle of bleach in their bathroom and my mom slept on the hard couch in the living room. That happened a few more times where he 'accidentally' dumped an entire bottle of bleach or a bottle of cologne. His meanness seems to have went away but you can never be completely sure. 

This is like a super dementia that lasts 40+ years it seems like. 


problem child
Posted: Saturday, December 14, 2019 7:18 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Oh boy big problem here today. She didn't go to church today but I still did my laundry with her here and she is super mad. This is so strange to me having to fight to get clean and dry clothes and she says it is too expensive for me to have clean clothes. No idea how to deal with this at all. They say they don't want me to move out but she has me taking out the trash and cleaning under her dirty sink but I can't get cleaned up after. What do I do?
problem child
Posted: Sunday, December 15, 2019 9:49 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Well things are better today my dad really stepped up. My mom has just been down on me about every single thing I do. Drinking too much water too much coffee not anything real. Maybe it has always been this way but recently it is more obvious I guess. She has a lot going on though, her fridge broke after Thanksgiving and her bathroom broke too after that and microwave not long ago these things are what is upsetting her according to my dad (and he is probably right). I know she is abusive because she always has been but I feel bad for her no way that she is happy if she is treating people this way. I don't like getting sucked into the downward spiral of gossip and complaints but I do get sucked in probably a lot. I told my dad some of what was going on (my mom is nice to me when my dad is around but when we are alone she gets a mean streak) and my dad was very upset at what I told him. He said it should be easy to live in this little house together and he is right. I don't know what all he said to her but she is better today even if she is gritting her teeth while being nice to me. He said I won't have any problems doing my regular things anymore and I made them a nice dinner and she stayed out of the kitchen like she used to so everything went ok. I got her a UTI test kit a few days ago (her and my dad were both going to take it she said) but she hasn't done it yet. Eventually they are both going to have see a neurologist but my mom just fights everything that is the right thing to do.
KawKaw
Posted: Monday, December 16, 2019 9:33 AM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 233


FreakingOut wrote:
I agree with the other posters here.  You really have to call Adult Protective Services on this.  Your poor dad is being abused by your Mom, and the meds are may be what has made your mother worse.  For both their sakes, AND YOURS, you need to keep hounding the various social service agencies in your location until someone does something.  The doctors probably wanted him to see a neurologist because they suspected dementia.  If this doesn't get taken care of, something catastrophic will happen and cause all this to come to a head.  Please be proactive and get some people involved before either someone in your family and/or a stranger gets hurt or killed.  This really is a serious situation, you're not helpless (even if you feel that way due to your parents past/present abuse), please get people involved.
Agree with FreakingOut entirely.

Best of luck, problem child!


problem child
Posted: Saturday, December 21, 2019 7:24 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Well I picked up a UTI test kit last week for my mom. She won't take the test she says I am looking for trouble and if it says positive then she will have to go to the doctor and it's Christmas. There are 3 tests in there I asked my dad if he would take one so then she would because this could help her and he said no. So I took one and good news I don't have a UTI. I did get a portable washing machine I have not hooked it up yet but in a few days I hope to be using it. My dad has an appointment I think it's January 7 with his doctor my mom said she would ask for referral to neurologist for him but she has been saying for 2 years that she was gonna tell the doctor what has been going on with my dad and she has not.
problem child
Posted: Sunday, December 29, 2019 12:51 AM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


I really don't like it here. It is way too much work and I don't feel good at all and they are way too bossy and don't take no for an answer. They can still do a lot of stuff it seems like they are just using me so they can save money. Am I just too critical? Saturdays are always bad days because I try to do my own laundry on Saturday and I am not allowed to use the dryer so it takes a super long time and my dad is wanting steaks and prime rib every day. What a disaster this is.
problem child
Posted: Thursday, January 2, 2020 8:07 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


Wow this is really unbelievable. It is not just one of them it is both. My dad had a few bad days over New Years he needed his bird seed and the smoke detector was chirping in the night because he kept turning the heat off and it was too cold.  When she went to church for New Years he got his keys out of her purse and started the car. When he left the keys on the counter I hid them. He is very confused and mad about not having his car keys. He is going to ask the dealership for new keys. My mom is no help at all she said she will give him a ride to the dealership to get new keys but she won't give him his keys. 

Also my sister stopped talking to them she didn't call or send any card for Thanksgiving Christmas or New Years. She usually goes out with them once for each holiday and birthday throughout the year.

 

 I feel very bad for my dad he is so confused. He seemed willing to go to a neurologist last time it came up but today he says going to the neurologist is crazy and not driving his car for the rest of his life is crazy. My mom is treating him like it is a punishment that she is not letting him drive and she keeps talking about running away and kicking him out. They can both still do a lot but obviously are not rational though they can pretend to be. If someone were to look in on them right now they would look a sweet elderly couple watching tv and reading together.

 


dayn2nite2
Posted: Thursday, January 2, 2020 8:16 PM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 2345


You are disabled yourself and whether you can see it or not, you are being abused.  Can you call Adult Protective Services for YOU to get yourself out of there?

Not allowed to cook, wash clothing, fleas in house, 2 demented people without reason.  Enough.  You will not be able to move out on your own if you're on disability but by calling APS you can get some kind of help for yourself.  If your parents get some help or your sister ends up having to do something with them, so be it.

Your only chance to get out of this craziness is APS or if you already have a caseworker, please contact him/her and see if there is any way for you to go to a group home or some type of communal living facility on an emergency basis.
problem child
Posted: Thursday, January 2, 2020 8:59 PM
Joined: 12/4/2019
Posts: 58


To be fair the cooking thing is back to normal now I am doing the cooking again and there are tons of leftovers for when my mom wants to pretend that she is doing the cooking. The laundry is a fight but it is getting done. It is just so much easier to do on Saturdays when she goes to church and now she won't tell us if she is going or not because my dad is sometimes up to something when she goes out.  I did get the portable washer but haven't been able to get one load of laundry done in it yet I need some time to get it set up. The bug problem is also under control since the weather cooled but it does not stay cool for long here.  Our family has always been strange so really I have been through much worse than this before. When my mom gets mad she locks everyone out and this is not a new thing it started when I was small so I have learned to deal with it. My mom's mom was way worse than the both of them put together and she somehow managed in her home alone for many years there was no one to rescue her at all and when they finally placed her she got 5 broken ribs then died not long after which never happened to her when she was alone. I am leary of asking for help because the help that we or I got in the past was bad.
janeymack
Posted: Friday, January 3, 2020 11:33 AM
Joined: 2/28/2017
Posts: 114


Please call Adult Protective Services ASAP. It is the most important thing for you to do to protect yourself and to help both of your parents.