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Mail dilemna
ShirleyJV
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 5:46 AM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


Mom is obsessed with junk mail....discovered she's been mailing scads of money to anyone who asks and gave her checking account number over to one company that took over $300.00 from her.  I closed her accounts yesterday, per the POA, and set up one for her where I'm the only one with signing privileges, plus she doesn't know the new account number so think that issue is solved.

But the mail is still a worry.  The pile of junk mail that comes in daily upsets her.  Her actions surrounding the mail are frightening and the one time I tried to go through the pile first to look for the things I need to take care of, she screamed and yelled and went at me to get the mail away from me.  After giving all the mail to her, she passed right by the bills and a check and grabbed the "Sweepstakes Deadline" envelopes and opened those worried she missed the million dollars these people want to send her.  Yesterday I found a refund check tossed aside on her table and she refused to give me a credit card bill so I could pay it...(I am closing the credit card so that won't be an issue again.

Anyway, getting the mail seems to be a highlight of her day as it gets her out to walk up the center to pick it up and she gets a chance to see other people, but the mail also throws her for a loop worrying about the sweepstakes deadline she's missing or raging because her rights as a senior citizen, American, etc. are being threatened as these scam organizations write nonsense and request her help them by sending them money.  

Yesterday I signed up for a P.O. Box and am having the mail forwarded there so I'm sure I'll receive the pertinent mail.  I plan to put some mail in her own mailbox when I'm there, but that's only every other day.  This all seems like an elaborate betrayal of my Mom and I'm starting to wonder if I'm becoming a little crazy here. It just feels so wrong as her daughter to be in a position where I'm taking things away from her that she looks forward to, but at the same time I can see these things enrage and scare her.  Any ideas?


J's daughter
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 6:12 AM
Joined: 9/20/2012
Posts: 471


I think you are spot on in what you are doing to help lessen stress in your Mom's life and also in yours.

Mom is now in a place where she needs your help, but obviously doesn't understand that.  You are not betraying your Mom (this damned disease is doing that) but instead are honoring and supporting and assisting her.  When she was cognitively intact, she would have been able to manage mail.....both important stuff and junk.  Being protective of her is your job now.

I like the idea of planting some mail in her box and having everything routed through a PO Box.  There is current thread of LOs throwing out Long Term Care payment notices, my own Mom threw out bills and her car title (just to name a few), and why add to your own stress and work by having to dig out from a mess created by mistake. If Mom questions why she doesn't get mail daily, you can tell her that the Federal Govt. is now staggering mail delivery due to budget cuts.

Karen


Shellybell
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 6:14 AM
Joined: 9/20/2013
Posts: 1174


You are NOT betraying your mom; your doing the right thing; protecting your mom. Hardly betrayal?  There comes a time when we have to make decisions for our LO and due to mom's illness you have the role of parent.  It's a reversal in the time she, as your mother, made decisions in your best interest.

  

Please dont be hard on yourself for doing the right thing.

 

Guess I have been fortunate in that H does not go for the mail and leaves it to me. Its a responsibility I'm not wild about, but the bill gets paid on time.  We also get alot of junk mail which I just chuck b/c I dont have time or inclination.  My hands are full. 


Pam14
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 7:05 AM
Joined: 5/30/2014
Posts: 555


EXCELLENT IDEA!  I have worked in this area for years.  Make sure you do more than just a change of address with the post office.  Do a change of address with all of her creditors, as well.  A change of address with the post office will keep the USPS forwarding her mail to the P.O. Box for a year.  After that, the mail gets returned to sender. 

 

Also, it will eventually cut down on that junk mail as they won't have her new mailing address. 

 

Keep in mind, you STILL need to check your mom's mailbox yourself.  When you do a change of address at the post office, especially to something like a P.O. Box, if there's a substitute on her route, they may not realize the change of address for a while and put "live" mail in her mailbox.  So, you could be getting bills and other important mail through there.

 

The best thing to do is to go to the USPS.GOV website for guidance.

 

You are not being mean or cruel to your mom by doing this.  Under the circumstances, this is the BEST thing you can be doing for her.  Many illegitimate charities and companies prey on older adults with illegal activities just to get their money.  Your plan will definitely help with that.

 

You're doing a great job representing her and preserving her hard earned money.  Please don't beat yourself up over this and know this was the best decision you could have made for this problem.

 

 


ShirleyJV
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 7:49 AM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


Thank you so much for your replies.....I've raised three kids and remember keeping some things from them when they were teens, for their own good, but it's a new way to think about Mom.  I know it's my own feelings as a daughter that are holding me back from doing things....it's hard to not think of your Mom as being the Mom you know.  I turned 62 on New Year's Day and all my life she's called me first thing to say Happy Birthday....she never even mentioned it this year.  

She just called to tell me she has an overdue bill I haven't paid. I only took the checkbook Tuesday, but when she read it to me it was from some clearing house telling her the camera software for her computer is ready but the $39.95 is overdue and must be paid before they'll send it.  Just more affirmation it is not good for her to be receiving this junk.  She doesn't have a camera and her computer is an 8 year old Dell not hooked to the internet.

The change of address should kick in Tuesday but I will continue to check her mailbox in her community too.  The mailman there knows both of us as she's lived there 20 years.  

Thanks for the tip about changing addresses for the other companies...Her bank statement is still in her name although she doesn't have signing privileges.  I will ask them to do online statements and contact utilities etc.  I hadn't thought of all that.

Last I need to address the phone.  Although she no longer has the account number, 911 Medical Services out of Las Vegas took 324.00 out of her account last month.  She gave them her checking account number over the phone thinking they were AARP.....I checked the Better Business Bureau and they rate an F and are known for doing this to senior citizens.  How do they get away with this?  Wish there was a way to sic the police on them....but instead, I'm writing them a letter demanding her money back and copying Senator Warren here in MA who was the lead on the Consumer Protection Act.  Hopefully I can get my Mom's money back.

Thanks again for you help....this is not anything I learned in school or in my life, so far.  


HSDaughter
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 11:38 AM
Joined: 10/12/2013
Posts: 62


ShirleyJV,

You are on the right track to get the mail forwarded to a PO Box.  I can offer an additional suggestion, one that I received from this forum.  There is a website, https://www.dmachoice.org/ on which  you can enter your mother's name and address to start the process of eliminating junk mail.  This website is sponsored by vendors who belong to a direct marketing association.  It will not stop all of the junk mail, just those organizations which are members of the DMA.  In addition, I have been taking the time to contact other organizations to remove my mother's name from mailing lists.  Most pieces of junk mail have a toll free number or a website where the request can be made.  I have never been asked a reason for removing her name.  Legitimate organizations seem glad to comply with the request.  After all, it reduces the waste of mailing to those who will never responses.  I have just pretended to be my mother when I call, and that has not triggered any problems.  It took about 6 months, but the junk mail has virtually ceased.  On that website, I think there is also a link to stop credit card solicitations.  I have done that as well too.  At age 89, my mother does not need another credit card!  The process has been rather time consuming, as the first instinct is just to trash all the junk mail, but I am glad that I have followed through.  


Agent 99
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 1:37 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2164


HS Daughter is absolutely correct about dma.  Here's a link to stopping phone calls, email, mail, etc.


http://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0262-stopping-unsolicited-mail-phone-calls-and-email


bluepenguin1601
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 1:40 PM
Joined: 10/8/2014
Posts: 469


 We are going through this with my grandma. It has been hard and I think doubly so because she never handled business matters (other than to write a check to pay bills or balance the checkbook) so she has no business sense. The worst is when the local car dealerships send out those promos with the "key" to win a new car. We cannot get her to understand that it is not a new key to her car, or that it isn't even a real key. My cousin disposes of all junk mail before it enters the house & on the off chance something does make it inside she disposes of it when my grandma goes to bed. You could also try registering her phone number with the Do Not Call list, it is good for 5 years & it won't stop surveys or polls but it might help with some of the calls.

 HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!


ShirleyJV
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 2:25 PM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


Thanks!  I added Mom to the DMA list back in April and again in August.  It didn't seem to lessen the junk, but as she's been responding and sending these places money, they probably didn't have to pay attention to the DMA list.  Also, have had her on the DO NOT CALL list for three years now but will renew her again, just in case.  AARP seems to have her signed up for three memberships too....they've accepted payment so I'm going to speak with them on Monday closing everything out....She certainly doesn't need to pay for their membership three times!

Appreciate all the great information here and mostly, your voices of support.  I'm sure there are many of us out here struggling with these issues while trying to live our lives at the same time.  Just not enough hours in the day to do everything and, in my opinion, it's a huge learning curve to figure out not only how to parent your parent, but feel that it's the right thing to do.  Guess we can just do the best we can.....

 


ShirleyJV
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 2:28 PM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


One more think...I was so frustrated with the junk mail last week, I took the 24 that included return postage paid envelopes, stuffed their junk back into it after writing REMOVE ME FROM YOUR LIST and mailed everything back.  Maybe they'll remove Mom if they have to pay for their junk mail when they send it to her AND when she sends it back.
Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 2:38 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11247


No; it won't remove her from their list, the list goes through a mail service and not the company itself; but tincture of time and you have it all set.  Good job!

 

And . . . you are NOT doing anything behind her back; you HAVE her back.  This is part of what we do, but I also know the initial feeling of having done something wrong because she is the "mother" and I am the "kid."  A lifetime of learning behind that thought process.

 

However, once we begin to put all the protections in place, and protect them from themselves, it becomes so much easier to accept the necessity and continue to move forward.  Bliss.

 

Best wishes and a big hug from one daughter to another,

 

J.


Agent 99
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 2:56 PM
Joined: 6/7/2013
Posts: 2164


ShirleyJV


Now that's regifting!!  Great idea


Because she's my mom!
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 7:19 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 737


Just a short reply:

Let me assure you that forwarding her mail to a PO Box is not a betrayal of your mom. It's just the opposite: you are PROTECTING her from those who will scam her at every opportunity. Remember, her "reasoner" is broken, so part of her expects to win that lottery.

 

And a belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to you. I remember how sad I was the first time mom forgot my birthday. That's something our healthy moms would never do.


ShirleyJV
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2015 12:44 PM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


Update to the mail: It took a little time for the forwarding to take effect so there was no mail for a few days at either her apartment mailbox or the new P.O. Box when I checked.  Apparently she talked to her carrier yesterday and he told her all her mail was being forwarded to a P.O. Box ....this after I told him what and why I was doing this.  He was there when she was freaking out screaming to give her her mail one day when I pulled it from the box for her.  I can't blame him though...I should've just been up front and told her I was doing it to get rid of the junk mail (my fingers are crossed this stuff will go away) and be sure I received the bills and important mail from agencies, etc.

She's not talking to me now...I called a little while ago and she yelled at me...said she  doesn't want to talk to me...that her light and phone bill will be in on the 25th and 26th of the month ..that she knows I'm sending her mail to a post office box and how will she pay them.  I told her again I was handling the bills and would give her all the other mail that came to her but I needed to be sure I got those things...that she forgets....she yelled some more and then hung up on me.  I am hoping this will pass, but I have to say the temptation at the moment was to say 'screw it'...I do not want to spend the next however many years fighting with someone who thinks I hate them and want to control them....this is the last thing I want to be doing at this stage of my life......

I know everyone else here is struggling too and I am just at the beginning of this road, but I feel so helpless and having Mom hate me at the end of our time together is not something I'm really ready for......

 


bluepenguin1601
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2015 2:50 PM
Joined: 10/8/2014
Posts: 469


BIG HUGS!!!! nothing else just some hugs.
DotsDaughter
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2015 4:05 PM
Joined: 1/16/2014
Posts: 868


I'm sorry this change was so upsetting for your mom, but I definitely think you did the right thing. Hopefully she'll find other things to focus on besides the junk mail.

 

My mom always LOVED getting mail, too, and we had the same situation where she kept being taken in by sales gimmicks or giving more than she could afford to charitable organizations. (Don't even get me started on Reader's Digest and their "book club"...)

 

When she moved from her independent apartment to assisted living, I had the mail forwarded to my address instead. I handled the bills, weeded out the junk and passed along correspondence, magazines and things that didn't require action OR ask for money. It took her a while to get used to receiving so much less mail, and her focus switched from the mail to her newspaper - which still arrived every day as it has for the last 30 years.

 

When we moved her from AZ to CA (to be near me), I paid extra to have her hometown newspaper mailed to her here. It's not cheap, but it makes her happy... and now there's something fun in her mailbox on (almost) a daily basis. Maybe you could get your mom a magazine subscription or two, so she has those to look forward to?


Smashms1981
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2015 9:09 PM
Joined: 1/6/2015
Posts: 90


My grandmother does this as well. She lives with us now so i give her all the bills and what checks she gets she has which is only 1 now she gets by mail and throw everything else away most of her checks she gets are direct deposited into her account. And my mom has the checkbook because she cannot even make a check out properly. So any bills she gets she has to go thru her to get a check anyway.
Tink4495
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2015 10:39 PM
Joined: 5/2/2014
Posts: 761


 

I think the PO Box is a great idea. You are not betraying your mother but honoring her by looking out for her best interests. It is horrible to read about all the money our LO's have lost because no one was in charge of their finances once they were not able to handle them.

 

It is also important to stop the pre-approved credit card offers and prescreened offers of insurance etc. You can do this online at www.optoutprescreen.com or call 1-888-567-8688.

 

Hang in there and Happy Belated Birthday!


Coyote270
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2015 11:18 PM
Joined: 4/29/2014
Posts: 277


Shirley.....I think I know a little of how you feel....my mom was unable to distinguish the junk from the bills...ie house taxes..... It is the first step in a long list of what is going to be necessary to care for your mom...so steady your self, have confidence in your judgement, and try and honor what gives her joy without jeopardizing what is going to do her harm.   Luck to you and know you have friends here.
kelgnel
Posted: Sunday, January 11, 2015 10:17 PM
Joined: 1/11/2015
Posts: 1


Hi Shirley!! I just joined the group and went and registered so I could reply!  I too felt like I was doing something bad by getting a PO Box and having mail forwarded...Mom was hiding the mail and locking it in her buffet that ONLY she has the keys to, which she keeps pinned to her bra!! Dad passed away in Feb 2013, mom started staying with us in June 2013. I Sept 2013 we bought a house together and we all live in one home.. We all had to forward mail to our new address, but a few months ago I noticed that I wasn't getting all the mail...It was a challenge to get the mail before she did EVERYDAY!!! I told the mailman...I will put the flag up every morning when I get the paper...when you deliver the mail please lower the flag! Then I was able to find ONE window that I could see the mailbox from....and checked it numerous times a day!! If I had to leave the house, run errands, anything where mom wasn't with me I was worried about not getting all of the mail! I finally had enough and went and got a PO box!! I did not tell mom...I just did it!! For weeks she would ask all the time if we had gotten mail! Now she asks rarely....I told her because we forwarded our mail from old home address we don't get much mail anymore! For awhile I would put junk mail in the mailbox so when she would walk out to check the mail she would find something, but she just hides it too!! Lots of junk mail under her mattress and in her bedside table...I started going to a caregiver support group and the Social worker calls the lies we must tell love lies! We are not doing it to be malicious, we are doing it to make their lives and ours easier!!

Hugs and blessings!!


ShirleyJV
Posted: Monday, January 12, 2015 1:08 PM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


Thank you all so much for your stories....Mom hasn't talked with me since she hung up on me and I've been at my daughter's house....my sister in law took her out Saturday and Sunday so I know she's okay.  Am heading to see her tonight and haven't any idea whether she is still mad about me getting a post office box ...I assume she is and it won't be a pleasant visit, but reading all your comments helps a lot.

thanks....


ShirleyJV
Posted: Tuesday, January 13, 2015 9:14 PM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


On the way to Mom's  I listened to over a  dozen messages she'd left on my home phone.

Screaming and calling me names because I stole her mail......there were a couple where she said she'd had mail telling her they were depositing 2 million something dollars and another letter stating they were sending her thousands of dollars and I had better be putting those winnings in her bank account.  She said she was going to call the bank to see what her balance was and I had better put that money in.

 

When I stopped at her place, she wasn't home....I left the mail I'd picked up along with a note and asked her to call me when she returned.  I assumed she was at her friends' for coffee where she usually goes in the afternoon and to be honest after listening to those messages I was relieved she wasn't there to yell at me.

 

Surprisingly, she called a little while ago...she was at the senior center knitting and  onThursday they are picking her up for bingo at noon so she told me I needed to come early in the morning as she was busy all afternoon.

 

She never said a word about all the nasty messages on my phone, the mail, the bank....nothing.  It was a pleasant conversation.  

 

I feel like I'm living in a field of land mines and never know when one is going to go off under me.

 


Teresa99
Posted: Tuesday, January 13, 2015 9:59 PM
Joined: 11/28/2012
Posts: 2225


SShirley,

MMy husband is always mad at me for something or other.  I just finally accepted that is the way it is.  Still hurts but that is the disease.

.

.

we live ithe country and have rural mail delivery.  I finally had to tell my husband that he was no longer allowed to get the mail.

He had been throwing it away and I was tired of searching for bills and other important mail in the garbage.  I can let him read it but by my getting it I can get rid of those unnecessary things and I know if the bill comes but does not get into my basket I know where to look.

.

.

MMy mil had all kinds of trouble with the mail too.  It is a good idea for you to protect her.  She will get over it.

TTeresa99


LFD
Posted: Tuesday, January 13, 2015 11:30 PM
Joined: 10/26/2013
Posts: 2


Shirley - in the long run this will be the best thing you could do for you and her.  I also had to do this for my mother before we even received the diagnose of ALZ.  I found out that she was sending a lot of money ($1000s) to charities that were sending donations requests in the mail.

After a lot of research on these so called charities I found that almost all of them were not what they represented themselves to be.  When you looked at the very find print on the back it stated that the donations were not tax deductible because the "charity" used a funding raising company.  I spend a lot of time contacting them by email and mail and registering on the direct mail website to stop receiving them.  I just had all my mother's mail forwarded to my house.  After a short time she did not really even realize that she was not getting the mail.  We would put a few items in it a week.  It saved us $1000s of dollars and I started paying all her bills.  

Sometimes doing what is best for her will at first cause friction between you guys but you must always keep in mind that you are doing it for her sake.  Eventually all the rough patches will smooth out.


ShirleyJV
Posted: Monday, January 19, 2015 2:57 PM
Joined: 12/26/2014
Posts: 76


A week has gone by now since my last post about Mom not saying anything further about her mail. I've been with her several times and she hasn't brought up the mail at all...nothing! It's like she's totally forgotten she used to get mail...is this possible?

Her demeanor has softened and she's been calmer over the past week. I'm wondering if not getting bombarded with sweepstakes announcements and threats that you'll be removed from the Publisher's Cleaning House list if you don't send everything back is less stressful for her. Or maybe this is just the calm before another storm?

I've been spending time going over her bank statements over the last year...she was sending an average of $200.00 a month to Publishers Clearing House and they're just one of several so called 'charities' she was mailing checks. I'm not sure it's worth it for me to continue looking at the money she's sent to all these mail scams, but this is a woman who lives on SS and no way could she afford to send this kind of money to these thieves. It doesn't seem right they should get away with stealing from the elderly. I also found out Mom's been buying food that's outdated 'cause she thinks she's broke, but she always had enough money to eat healthy food and be comfortable IF she was spending her money taking care of her needs instead of feeding these vultures.

Does anyone know if there's been any repercussions for these companies that scam the elderly?









Iris L.
Posted: Monday, January 19, 2015 5:17 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16613


LFD wrote:


After a lot of research on these so called charities I found that almost all of them were not what they represented themselves to be. When you looked at the very find print on the back it stated that the donations were not tax deductible because the "charity" used a funding raising company.


Thanks for this information, FLD. I did not know this. This will help me because I receive many requests for donations. They keep sending me address labels and reminders that I didn't send in a donation yet. Those are probably the ones that use funding companies. I'm looking at one right now but it doesn't say anything about tax deductibility. Nevertheless, into the shredder it goes.

Iris L.


LadyElisabeth
Posted: Tuesday, January 20, 2015 8:02 AM
Joined: 1/8/2015
Posts: 21


I happen to be in a similar position. In my mother's case, however, is that it has nothing to do with junk mail, but it does have to do with money. For the past 4 years I have taken out one lump sum of money for the month and placed it in envelopes for the weeks. As time went on she began to hide the envelopes and her wallet and not always be successful in finding them.

I now have taken her checkbook and her savings account book telling her that they are safer at my "house". I still write 1 monthly check put now keep the money myself. If there is change from the weekly groceries, I give it to her, but not always as she has become obsessed with her money and there are times I came home to find her sitting on her bed after her counting and recounting it for hours.

I also keep track of the mail and only give her the insignificant pieces. One day, however, I left her checking account notice on the table and the aide called me telling me she walked in on my mother who was on the phone with the bank telling them I stole her money. Well the aide was able to talk to the bank and the woman on the other end knew the problem was with my mother so nothing came of it.

I don't feel like I'm betraying my mother, but helping me keep everything moving along as I have my own home which I don't spend any more time at yet pay $8000 a year in maintenance fees on, and work full time as well as now live with her. My time is precious and I have no life of my own right now so I look at it as doing what needs to be done


LMLuchsinger
Posted: Monday, September 14, 2020 12:48 PM
Joined: 9/14/2020
Posts: 6


My husband did this for our OWN junk mail, and it works!  Takes a couple of tries to get it through their heads though...
CodyW
Posted: Thursday, September 17, 2020 6:34 AM
Joined: 4/5/2013
Posts: 866


ShirleyJV, 

Yup, it is definitely possible that your mom has already forgotten about the mail that she spent months obsessing and screaming about.  

Do not doubt for even one second that you are doing the right thing, no matter how angry your mother gets.  Redirecting her mail and protecting her funds is difficult but necessary, painful yet compassionate.  You are on the right path.  Once you have control of all the mail and the bills, consider placing a credit freezes on her accounts through Experian, Equifax and TransUnion (which is free but a PIA.)

Try to look at these fights with your mother (and there will be more) as if you're taking a young child to the dentist to have a rotten tooth extracted.  Her chronic tooth ache is driving the child to distraction;  she can think of nothing else.  The tooth must come out to prevent the rot from spreading.  The extraction will provoke screaming and crying.  She will be forced to endure a very brief episode of fear and pain in order to get the tooth out.  She understands none of this.  So, without guilt or needless discussions, you just get it done.  You sooth her and distract her.  As soon as the ache is gone she forgets all about the rotten tooth.

It is very very hard to retrain ourselves to take charge of a parent.  We are brought up to respect, obey, and defer to our parents.   White lies, and lies of omission, empty promises, and false narratives simply feel wrong.  But insisting on using raw truth with a person who can simply not comprehend the situation is counter productive, and sometimes even cruel.  

Stay strong and keep up the good work.  You are on the right path.

Regards, CodyW 


ButterflyWings
Posted: Thursday, September 17, 2020 8:23 AM
Joined: 12/11/2018
Posts: 266


ShirleyJV - Omg the mail. EmojiEmojiEmojiWe went through this too. You are doing the right thing! For a short time, the mail carrier actually diverted mail from the PO Box to hand to my DH upon his request, he was so convincing that it was his. But we got that straightened out. 

I was stressed due to so many late fees for utilities (shut offs, reconnects, more extra fines and fees!) and legit bills that were late while DH lost or hid the mail. And the worst was, life insurance notices I was not aware of and never saw, eventually the policy cancelled and could not be renewed because he had the dementia diagnosis by then. Broke my heart really, as we have no LTC insurance nor pensions. We REALLY needed that mail not to be missed. 

Solutions: 

So I switched to a PO Box after that and do not regret it. I then put as many bills on auto-pay as possible, changed to paperless billing, and destroyed the checkbooks. (I found 9 accounts (9!)) I knew about 3 of them.  DH innocently wrote a couple of bad checks that I had to make good on, which was the start of learning he had a serious problem that led to diagnosis. We had the funds, he had mistakenly put them in the wrong account and paid things from another one. No, just no. That was a crazy hard phase now that I am thinking back. Talk about 36 Hour days.  I also froze credit with all 3 companies so he could not open new cards or accounts, (great tip from this forum!) and then set up online banking with alerts you can set at different levels. If something comes in or goes out over $100, I get a text. I also get 1 daily alert confirming the balance on each remaining account (business, savings, and checking) just so I can sleep. And I can check the bank statement online any time at my convenience. But no bank statements to lie around and get discovered. (DH does lots of rummaging and then gets confused and/or mad about what he reads). And less mail and paper overall is a huge plus for me and him both. Can you dispute the $324 scam from 911 services with the bank? We had to dispute a couple of things like that, and the money was restored to our account - either bank or credit card. Even wondering about Publisher's Clearing House though if she sent checks that's probably harder to fight. But they may refund a payment or 2 if you dispute it as elder abuse. But credit cards you can dispute as "not a legitimate charge".

Keep your chin up! Yes, she will forget believe it or not. Then maybe will mention the mail again out of nowhere one day, but that obsession will get fewer and further between. She may find another one, though. Good for you for being a wise, caring, and decisive daughter. As I learned in this forum, you are correct to do this for her, (it is not being done to her.)


Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, September 17, 2020 4:31 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 11247


This is an old Thread from 2015, but it is still timely today.  Post Office Boxes and using "opt out," from catalogs and junk mail is helpful.

Here is an excellent site that explains "opt out," and gives links to multiple entities to get full opt out dynamics.

 https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0262-stopping-unsolicited-mail-phone-calls-and-email


MaryLo1988
Posted: Friday, September 18, 2020 1:13 PM
Joined: 9/18/2020
Posts: 3


thank you for the link
jannychan
Posted: Saturday, September 19, 2020 7:19 PM
Joined: 7/15/2014
Posts: 50


Yeah you are awesome 

If she likes to read you can ask for magazine subscriptions from people who ask about gifts. Also if she has certain hobbies eg gardening. You can get catalogs sent to her mail box.  If you have extended family you can let them know that she loves mail and would be over joyed to get letters and cards.