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every day is the same
Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2019 6:46 PM
Joined: 6/28/2018
Posts: 12

every night we have the same discussion.  

  When are we going home?  We are home

   Where is my daughter?  She's at her home

    It's too hot (or cold depending upon what she complained about 15 minutes ago) 

   Are my relatives still alive?  She goes through the list of all relatives 

  Etc etc  

   I really can't take much more of this 

Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2019 7:37 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 4610

The ability of people to survive the most horrible of situations is a continuing wonder.  Sometimes it is luck and sometimes it is an iron will and sheer stubborn determination.

Just say to yourself every day "I will survive" and do whatever you have to do to make it happen.

Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2019 11:22 PM
Joined: 2/2/2019
Posts: 132

The dementia journey is not an easy one for caregivers. But, we seem to rise up to the challenge and we survive by learning coping skills. Some are acquired through educating ourselves about the disease, some are acquired from tips on this board, and some are learned the hard way. With the short term memory loss, our loved ones with dementia forget they have asked a question and we have answered. So, they repeat the question and we repeat the answers, and every day is the same, until the disease progresses. 

My DH who is in stage six now does occasionally still ask to go home. Our house has been home for 25 years. It doesn’t work to tell him he is home. It only causes agitation. His reality is different. So, I tell him we are spending the night “here”, that the cat and dog are here with us, that it is night time and too late to go anywhere, etc. When he asks about his deceased parents or other relatives, I tell him not to worry and that we will check on them or call them later. 

As time goes on, we get better at coping, but we still will have days when we are fed up, annoyed, at wits end, ready to throw in the towel, etc. Some days we just need to vent, complain, feel sorry for ourselves, cuss, scream, cry, etc. 

We are here to listen and we hear you.

Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 5:34 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 530

I've done the dead or alive check off list so often I can do it in my sleep. It's amazing how so many of the themes keep repeating in every dementia patient's journey. I have no solution for you. Accepting you no longer have the spouse you married, but in trying to comfort and interact with the one you live with now, you are honoring the spouse you loved throughout your marriage. Sometimes those "is Bill still alive, what about Karen...?" conversations are just their mind trying to trace over the fading lines of a memory as the disease erases these facts.  They feel the memories fading away and are trying to hang on to the ones that are important to them, but are getting hazy. I think of it as the "check-list" I used to make before a road trip. The things I had to do, know, say, before we left would get jumbles and forgotten (Maybe I'm the one with dementia and I just don't know it?). I would go over and over that list to make sure I remembered everything I had to get accomplished. Our LOs  have to do that with every facet of their lives every day, and the need-to-know list is written in disappearing ink.
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 8:07 AM
Joined: 12/7/2017
Posts: 47

I feel like I am starring in a remake of the movie "Groundhog Day" as I deal with her routine and the same questions and answers. Some things just cannot be changed in this disease, only endured.
Rescue mom
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 8:28 AM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 893

I’ve thought for months I’d lose my mind as well, yet here I am....the horse race yesterday and Derby earlier made it worse for me. We used to have some involvement, and this years Triple Crown races have both been exceptional. 

We watched on TV, yet hours later DH has no memory of them, much less be able to converse about them. Usually I’m more resigned to the situation, but these special events hurt.

Dreamer Lost
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 9:49 AM
Joined: 3/7/2019
Posts: 230

JohnGuy, I can agree with Marabella about changing up your answers a little.  I too answer the "when are we going home" to something like "we are staying here tonight" (well, we are).  I will be here all night with you (as he doesn't remember me at times).  Maybe elaborate about her daughter, "oh we talked to her earlier, she is at her house but will come by tomorrow to see you".  My DH also seems to start getting a little anxious in the late afternoon  and early evening hours so are using a short acting anti-anxiety med prescribed called Buspar.  It may be sundowning or not,  there are not any specific behaviors just more anxieties. It seems to help him.  Please take care of yourself also.  Maybe bring in some home heath care.
Posted: Sunday, May 19, 2019 3:21 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 465

Dear JohnGuy,

I completely understand how you feel. I HATE this disease with every ounce of my being.

I know it’s not our LO’s fault but that doesn’t always help. I hope things get better for you soon.

Posted: Monday, May 20, 2019 1:28 PM
Joined: 5/10/2019
Posts: 14

JohnGuy: my father has been in the hospital or rehab care since march 15th. mom is in advanced dementia and asks continually where dad is. my sister sat down and wrote out everything that had happened. for a period of about 2-3 weeks, this actually helped. mom would read through it and stop asking for 20-30 minutes. but finally it got to where mom would glance at it, then ask again. then if we tried to get her to read, she would become angry: "Why can't you just tell me?" and if you then went on to say "I have answered this question already." the anger escalates. with my mother, we always have to try to balance her from anger because she goes on a beserk tirade. 

to some degree, she's always been this way, even before dementia.

but you might try writing out the answers to the most common questions, it might help a little, for awhile.

Posted: Monday, May 20, 2019 10:05 PM
Joined: 7/10/2017
Posts: 603


My wife used to ask all the time when she was going home.  After figuring out that no answer satisfied her, I started saying, "Well, if you go home, make sure you take me with you."  That usually brought a smile and the end of those questions.  Worth a try.