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Disappointed Disgusted Mad As Hell
Posted: Tuesday, June 18, 2019 12:20 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 468

im 59 years old and my father still makes me want to run away from home. Pretty sick isn’t it. I know full well that life doesn’t turn out the exact way we hoped it would. As I think about my future I don’t see much of one. I would like to move away, down size and speak to my family only once a year. I’m tired of being the peacemaker. Maybe I could have em all over to the house at the same time and just let em kill each other. Then I would have peace. Hmm....musings.
Posted: Tuesday, June 18, 2019 5:22 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2074

abc123 wrote:
.... I would like to move away, down size and speak to my family only once a year. ..

I try to limit my complaints against the family too, but I do get that same feeling of moving away. I hope to when it’s all over.  I’ve learned and accepted I get to do all or most of the you know what? When dad is gone, so am I.  I’m taking off with my cat family and moving somewhere at a distance....hmm...maybe even change my number...I can send the family photos or post cards of me on vacations and with a big smile...and then they can caregive  each other while I’m tannin’

Posted: Wednesday, June 19, 2019 12:24 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 468


I can’t thank you enough for your reply. I’ve been having a rough time and I feel guilty( I guess it’s guilt maybe it’s resentment) about disliking my family so much. I’m truly sick of dealing with them. 

Posted: Friday, June 21, 2019 4:52 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 530


My post caregiver plans include a cat, and occasional post cards (or not). I include a class C motor home since I can't drive a big rig any more, but may want to stop in a Walmart parking lot for a nap rather than a motel 6.  I only hope when they discover my rotting corpse in some random road side pull-off, someone will give a good home to the frightened lonely cat that has been living on my corpse for a while. I can think of no better way to go than to be recycled into cat.

Posted: Monday, June 24, 2019 6:20 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1302

We don't have to love or like our familes, its not a must in life, so save yourself
Posted: Thursday, June 27, 2019 5:12 AM
Joined: 6/27/2019
Posts: 1

 I am so thankful to see your post.  I have been taking care of my husband for over ten years, I have had no help and I am so angry, lonely, isolated and I want to just sleep through one night and have a couple of days alone.  My husband is getting mean will do nothing I ask him to do. I asked him to close the door to his bathroom so our cat and puppy can’t get in it (filth) doesn’t describe it.  He had flooded three rooms in the house several times, has broken off window curtains, towel racks, shower door and will not wash his hands.  He has threatened me punched me in the stomach so hard I could hardly breathe.  He tried to chock me and bit my so bad that bit through the skin.  The bruises didn’t go away for several weeks.  I am so tired that I just want to be out of it.  He will not stay with anyone other than me. Of course his family hasn’t offered.  Death seems like a friend to me.  I just don’t think I can do it much longer.

My health is deteriorating rapidly.  I have RA, Fibromyalgia, lupus, congestive heart failure I have a pacemaker with defibrillator implant.   It seems even though I am sick I have to continue handling it all alone.   I think I needed to talk to someone but I have no one.  The only friend that still came around to see me , was killed in a flood Oct 8 2018, and I am too tired to make the effort of trying to meet new friends.  This headache seems to never go away!  Oh lord, he is up again. In the bathroom messes up his clothes, I have to clean him and put on the third outfit of clothes for the day.  Well,  it is 5 am got him back in bed.  Thanks for being that someone I could talk to tonight. Have to get maybe another hour of sleep.  Any feedback of where I go from here is appreciated.


Posted: Thursday, June 27, 2019 7:31 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2074

Dear Nobodyks, I urge you to either start a post in the spouse or caregivers forum or call the Alzheimer’s help line. Your story, I feel, is the worst I’ve read around here. Extremely horrible, (and unusual) I wonder how can you consider to continue caring for your husband when you have a serious health risk. In the caregivers or spouse forum you will definitely get many responses and good suggestions with a story like yours. Here in the musing forum is too slow with responses and not many folks participate in this forum.
Posted: Sunday, June 30, 2019 6:16 PM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 401

Nobody...please call your county social service dept + try to talk to someone in the dept of aging or similar. 

You do not have to deal with this on your own.   Frankly, your H belongs in a facility where he can be afforded 24/7 care + be medicated properly to control his aggression.

If he attacks you again, please call 911 + have him taken to the ER + hopefully to a geriatric psych ward where he can be properly assessed.

Please take steps to help yourself

Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 2:11 PM
Joined: 8/13/2019
Posts: 1

Sorry you are experiencing the caregiver blues.  I also, would love to have my life back.  I moved in with my mom 1 year ago and it's getting harder and harder.  She is negative and resistant to moving and I can't leave her.  I have POA and am so depressed living here.. any input on the pros and cons on making her move?
Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 11:31 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16092

Welcome angela63.  Please repost on the Caregivers board. More members will see you and respond.

Iris L.

Posted: Friday, August 16, 2019 2:44 PM
Joined: 2/9/2019
Posts: 114

Dear Nobodyks,  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call authorities right away.  From what you are describing, you and your husband are in a VERY dangerous situation!   It may seem like I’m being an alarmist because you’ve done this so long and “nothing” has happened, but actually something has.   You are being physically abused, you have some very serious health issues, and your husband is cognitively impaired.  Both of you are in dire need of some help, and I don’t mean your family either.  This is beyond even what they could do.   Please call someone. RIGHT AWAY.   Your lives are in the line.  Keep us posted.
Space within
Posted: Saturday, August 17, 2019 10:30 PM
Joined: 10/7/2018
Posts: 35

  Got the blues lately too. Mostly upset and mad at myself though! Ha.  Moved back in with my parents' to help take care of my mom. Dad decided to put her in a care facility about two months ago....I fought him and tried my best to talk him out of it. It took me about a month to get over being mad and selfish about his decision.   I now feel I am grieving my mom and her illness in a different way.  I usually visit her once a day, and enjoy and feel grateful to be able to be with her. But on the flip side I am wandering if I am just using it out of fear of living my own life now.   I had a difficulty  being happy in my hometown when things were going well in my life, and now I am possibly unhappy in a way I've never felt before. It's hard to know if I should move back out west... far away from my parents.  I have a sibling that lives in town who rarely goes to visit mom. I realize he loves her and is a wonderful person, but sometimes I feel dysfunctional or like a failure for continuing to stay around now that my mom is in a care facility.....which to me just seems like a dormitory for people with dementia/Alzheimer's.      

I guess we all are doing our best to live a true life.  Thank you Ruth for your pleasant post.  I feel I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.  Guess just have to make the best of it !

Jo C.
Posted: Monday, August 19, 2019 1:08 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9941

Dear nobodyks, I am so very sorry that I did not see your Post before now and for what has been happening.   I am concerned about the behaviors you have described; it is an extremely difficult as well as dangerous situation,

There is something that may be helpful.   Your husband is a danger to others, and he would fit criteria for admission to a Geratric Psych Unit.   There he would be evaluated on a 24 hour continuum; meds to assist with his behaviors would be inititated and assessed for effectiveness as well as for side effects.  Your husband's primary care MD or his dementia specialist can assist with coordinating such an admission.

If you are being attacked, it would be best to call law enforcement.  Let them know that your husband has dementia and has been physically attacking you. When they arrive, if he is still acting out and the officers feel he is a danger to himself or others, they can assist in having an involuntary psych hold and assist in having him transported to be made an involuntary admission to a Geriatric Psych Unit.  He would be transported by ambulance as officers do not transport patients in patrol cars.  The patient is usually seen in the ER first while arrangements are being made for GeroPsych transfer/admission..

This would hopefully remove the immediate unsafe aggression and dangerous behaviors.  Also . . . . it is up to you whether or not you wish to have him return to the home setting or not after his GeroPsych stay.  If you decide that he needs to be in an alternative care living setting, then having him transferred from the GeroPsych Unit in the hospital to a care facility would be easy and seamless.  It is also something you can continue with and be able to be his wife without all  the severe issues. If you change your mind and want him home, then you can always reverse course.  The Psychiatric Social Worker at the GeroPsych Unit can be helpful with placement, so it is good to see such a Social Worker as soon a possible after admission.

The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour Helpline at (800) 272-3900.  If you call, please ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant on an urgent basis.  There are no fees for this service.  Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamcs. They are good listeners as well as good support, have helpful information and also can often assist us with our problem solving.  It may be well worth m aking such a call.

Please stay safe.  It is a good idea to keep a fully charged cell phone with you at all times, and have a spot where you can run and lock the door while making a call for assistance.  It is also a good idea to remove all items that can be considered weapons.  Remove all guns, knives, including kitchen knives, scissors, hammers, bats, or other items that are easily used to attack.  I am sorry to have to mention that, but safety is a priority.

Many caregivers in your situation have also found it helpful to seek counseling to assist in dealing with feelings and finding how to move forward; that too is an option in helping you to keep your head above water and finding peace.

Also, if you go to the Spousal/Partners Forum, there are many caregivers there who will understand and some of them have been in your situation. Since it is a busy Forum, you will get many more timely responses.

I send warm thoughts your way and so hope you can find assistance soon,  Please do not continue on as is; there is help to be found.


Posted: Sunday, September 15, 2019 1:25 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 468

I’d like to sincerely thank each of you for reading my post and for sharing your feelings with me. 

Nobodyks, please please let us know if you are okay. I hope you got to read the post from Jo C. Jo is extremely wise and caring. All of us here are caring and many can help and guide you through this awful journey. I’m so sorry I didn’t see your post immediately. 

PLEASE let us know how you and your husband are. I’m sorry he’s so difficult. My husband was a horses butt at times. I miss him but he had his moments!