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To Michelle.
Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, June 24, 2016 4:22 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


It's a lost day, Michelle. If I don't find reason to laugh. --Jim
MichelleO
Posted: Friday, July 1, 2016 7:32 PM
Joined: 4/7/2015
Posts: 482


Hi Jim,

Happy 4th of July (coming up). Hubby comes home tmrw evening. I have missed him but the respite has been wonderful. I have spent precious time w Erin. Her and I. Closer now. Nice. 

How is your friend Julie?  You used the word abyss explaining her depression. I GET IT!!  Last year this time I had given up... Literally. I deleted that post. July 29 I was admitted into a psych hospital. Let's just say landing in there was hard. Hard on everyone. I no longer think of myself as a failure for being hospitalized, a loser, a bad person. I was ill, very very ill. So... I had to get intensive immediate help. Period. I must say to find the right combo of doctors, meds, therapist, family, friends is the key. I'm still working on it. As usual this is where the evil DEMENTIA comes.... My rock, my love of my life is changing. My gauge who could look in my eyes and know instantly if I was hypomanic, sad, anxious, even keel. He no longer "sees me", not like that. Saddens me. I spoke with my daughter's psychologist says a child raised with an ill parent (or two) or "not a cookie cutter life" will be strong and learn empathy. To see life as it is and know it is not perfect but perfectly fine because they are still loved. Children raised in "I am fine, everything is fine, fake family" will be clueless as to real life and how to deal with not so perfect normal real life.  I know I am generalizing and no this is not in stone but I see it. My children (most children) are stronger and smarter than I thought. children are not blind to family issues and I have found to "hide" doesn't work.

If anyone reading this thread feels helpless, hopeless, to the point of ending their life... PLEASE seek help.  Having a mental illness is not a weakness it is not a character flaw  it is AN ILLNESS.  It needs treatment to keep it in check.  It sucks, no doubt.  Us living the life of dementia have it even harder.  

Well... Take care Jim, hope you are well.  I appreciate our "cyber-friendship".  

Michelle 

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Sunday, July 3, 2016 12:13 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Sounds to me, Michelle, like you have taken charge of your life. You aren’t afraid to take bold steps. And to get help. In doing so. You set a fine example for others. I sense that you want to be happy. Even in difficult times. That’s become your motivating force. You know what it takes. And you do it. I like your efforts to cultivate camaraderie with your daughter Erin. And with family in general. You know where to get support. And you give support. Indeed, I am impressed. Keep it up. Live life the way it was meant to be lived. With fervor. With enthusiasm. With confidence. Don’t let the pitfalls along the way defeat you.  Cope. Forge ahead. You’ve come a long way in the past year. You know how to savor life. Day by day. Keep the good vibes flowing. You’ve got what it takes. --Jim

 


MichelleO
Posted: Sunday, July 17, 2016 7:57 AM
Joined: 4/7/2015
Posts: 482


Good morning Jim,

Re-read our thread. I picked out a few words... Forge... Good vibes... Respite.... Such simple words but key to surviving. I appreciate your words. I appreciate you.

Can I ramble about bipolar disorder??  I have the paralyzing lows but then come the "highs". "Highs" are awful. Yes initially I can be productive and get a lot done but that is short lived and then it escalates to frustration, anger, bad choices, exhaustion.  During this time it's like high octane caffiene being infused through my veins to the point my body feels it is vibrating.  Then there are the hallucinations (with highs and lows).  What a wonderful disease.  (I would like to mention when I used to read other posts and LO would with hold antipsychotics from the PWD because they were afraid of reactions or that these meds were so "bad and serious".... Trust me, hallucinating is awful, scary, reality may or may not be there so... GIVE the meds.  I wouldn't want my LO to feel what I have felt).  Often I do not "see" I am hypomanic  (manic is referred to the state of losing touch with reality, way off the chain... Been there too).  Jim was my gauge I've mentioned before but no more.  Back in April for his 55 birthday I came up with the idea to give him 55 seperate gifts, trinkets, things.  My oldest daughter angered me because she questioned my idea. Thinking... What the hell do you know??  A friend I've made here told me she did t see how I had the energy to do all this. Now I can see it was "a bit over the top".  During this time I ended a 14 year friendship with my rage and narrow minded thoughts.  Mania makes you very self centered and there is no talking me out of it.  My perceptions are fact and I simply know no different. Just before I went on FMLA due to this illness I txted my boss and told her to fu** off. (Luckily she deleted the txt and knew I was ill and imitated my leave).  This can last a day (redecorated a bedroom completely and spent $$$ in one day)  or weeks.  Following a high you are guaranteed a low... How low no one knows.  If all this mess is caught in time, medication can help hault it but sometimes not.  Seems I am immune to most meds now.  Frustrating.  Sorry to ramble but I feel often people misunderstand bipolar disease.  It is NOT moodiness... It is not "being emotional"... it is a brain illness which I have no little control.  It's a rollercoaster I didnt choose to be on.  Genetics bit me in the butt. I am working hard on ME, it's just so flipping hard when the rollercoaster takes off clouding my brain.  

Saying all that.... With my doctors hard work and therapists and family I have worked full time as a nurse for 27 years, raised 3 kids, been with Jim 32 years.  My disease has been in check the vast majority of the time.  But when it's not (like now) it is HARD.  Add a spouse w a fatal illness. I know I'm not a "peach" to live with at times. The plus of all this is often those with bipolar disease are creative and very loyal. At least for me.  I am thankful for my family.  

Watch... I'll delete this.  Y'all think I am "crazy"  I personally think if more people sought treatment and were diagnosed properly we would be a better society  

Jim, should I delete this??  Honestly, I speak of the illness... If one person reads this and a light bulb goes off and they themselves or a loved one/friend fits this story... Seek help  

(I am not in mania today....)

Take care 

Michelle 

 

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Sunday, July 17, 2016 10:19 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


You are learning to be honest, Michelle. Not only with others. But more importantly, with yourself.  Yes, sometimes the truth hurts. But there are ways to deal with the hurt. And to  face life truthfully/honestly.  That takes courage. And you have it. Keep plugging away. You qualify. As a heroine. For others. --Jim

 


MichelleO
Posted: Sunday, July 31, 2016 7:14 AM
Joined: 4/7/2015
Posts: 482


Good morning Jim,

Hope this finds you well. Why is people read this thread?  I find that interesting. I hope maybe if someone reads this thread it gives a glimmer of hope that there is a light, even if a faint flicker of a candle in the distance. That word "hope". I have learned that "hope" is not necessarily what I think I should have. "Hope" to me is being open to what my higher power (God) has for me. I can hope for a new car.... Hope my husband doesn't progress... Hope for money... Etc.  I used to get so caught up in hoping, wishing, pleading, bargaining mostly with God I felt so very sad, angry and so oddly... Hopeless. Here is where therapy has helped. Accept today (even if I don't like it) and live it. The more I look for sunshine the more rays shine through. I think as I come up from the abyss the sun rays have a chance to reach me.  I used to say to myself..."when I'm back to my NORMAL self.... I will be happier or stronger or a better mom or a better nurse or... ". Let's just say that self critisiism is damaging and exhausting. What is NORMAL?  Jim isn't his NORMAL self but he is perfectly perfect as he is the way he is to be. Did that make sense?  I have changed, permanently as has Jim. It simply is. Yes I mourn the "old" Jim (and me too) but if the mourning consumes me...what a wasted life.  

I have lived in sadness, a deep sadness that did consume me.  Someday I might end up there again  This is where I am completely aware of my mental illness.  I hate bipolar disorder but this journey sure as hell is teaching me a lesson.  It's just up to me to learn the material life is sending me. With a clearer mind right now... I can learn.   

Goodness Jim, I feel like I'm "life coaching" myself  

Have a nice Sunday  

Michelle 

I posted and read it... I'm adding this.  In learning to accept "it" as it is does not lesson the sadness or hurt or stop tears.  I have chosen to not let "it" make me a victim. To live life from a victim view is so much sadder, helpless, heavy, exhausting, difficult way to live. Been there, done that.  I am so not perfect in acceptance..... That I work on.   

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Thursday, August 4, 2016 5:41 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I like the notion that you are looking for sunshine, Michelle. But even a cloudy, overcast day has merit and sustaining power. It’s what one chooses to make of it. Better to be the optimist rather than the pessimist. Just being aware. Alive and conscious. Presents so many opportunities for happiness.  For pondering. For musing. You’ve made this thread vibrate. By being honest with yourself.  You’ve discovered new horizons. Keep going. Discover what’s beyond. Life is full of wondrous and pleasant awakenings.  --Jim

 


sharon11daugherty
Posted: Thursday, August 4, 2016 12:36 PM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


With joy I a writing this. So pleased for you Michelle. Thanks for lletting us into your life. We have much to learn.  Blessings, sharon
MichelleO
Posted: Saturday, August 6, 2016 8:45 AM
Joined: 4/7/2015
Posts: 482


Hi Sharon. Sometimes I wonder like I've mentioned, "ya'll think I am crazy". This thread originally was me asking "who Jim was". I was asked who I was and told my story and then deleted it. I was afraid of being judged and thought of as weak or simply nuts. As time passed I have learned to like me, embrace me for who I am. I am Michelle who happens to have a mental illness. As people with dementia, I have been ignored because I might be "catchy", told to "get over it... It ain't that bad", "you look fine to me" (I am extremely good at covering up), and lost friendships because of my behavior and nearly my job. I have been told to stop my medicines (yea right.... Become pyschotic) and take vitamins by family, get a second opinion because my psychiatrist doesn't know what he is doing (had 8 opinions in 23 years) , get a job (I probably would kill a patient from a wrong medicine calculation), etc etc etc.

When will people learn...... I would not wish a different disease on myself but sometimes I wish people would "get it". Maybe if one person "gets it" from reading my rambling it is all good. 

I so appreciate Jims encouragement. (Thanks Jim). To talk about anything besides dementia helps me. Dementia is part of my life but it cannot be all my life. Mental illness had become ALL of my life and nearly took my life. I have said I came to the boards because of Jims illness (my hubby) but found it was I, the sick one. 

I have written about me finding me. What a journey and it continues. Never will end. Will forever be changing... As Jim progresses...as I get better or worse... It simply is. 

I want to say... Again... Thank you Jim for your encouraging posts  I so appreciate your musings!! Makes me often think......hmmmm. Can I mention here that people shouldn't use the phrase "oh so and so is crazy" (as I said in the beginning of this post) or if someone is emotional, "oh she is bipolar" or is someone is depressed/sad to say something like "well my cousins third wife twice removed was depressed and drank kerosine and was cured" (or to that effect) or worse yet.... Be told of a suicide.  Be like if I had pancreatic cancer and someone said "oh my gosh, my sister had the same cancer and she only lasted 2 months and had horrible chemo and died in pain and left 2 small children". I have had multiple family members take their life due to mental illness.  I sure as hell do not want to hear about how someone shot themselves or hung or overdosed.  It is nothing to take lightly.  

Well I will end this table...

Have a nice weekend  

 


MichelleO
Posted: Sunday, August 28, 2016 11:53 AM
Joined: 4/7/2015
Posts: 482


Hi Jim. Gonna sign off. Not down in the trenches dying but I am having a really hard time w highs and lows. Swings are not "being emotional". Highs are like a tornado in my chest w panic and anxiety- lows are suffocating valleys. So very very sick and tired of it. Need to seclude, hide for a while. Gonna deactivate my account. Im friends with Mac50 and will keep in touch with her. Thanks for the friendship.
Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, August 29, 2016 10:39 PM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I have faith and confidence in you, Michelle.  Wish I could help in some way. You’ve done it before. You can do it again. Please. Please. Stay in touch. I’m here. If you need someone to buoy your spirits.   --Jim

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Tuesday, October 4, 2016 5:28 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Just a reminder, Michelle. I'm still here. I'll assume that no news is good news. --Jim