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Mom died yesterday(1)
terei
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 7:08 AM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 318


Mom was diagnosed early 2015 when she was perhaps stage 3 at 80 yo.She was with her husband who had mobility problems.  They resisted moving from Tucson to MN where both families were.

After a bad car accident, my family + I stepped in + said this is it, back to MN.  I stayed there a month..arranged an estate sale, sold the house, chose an AL in MN.  Packed them up + flew them to MN. Her H died 2016.

Mom progressed steadily for 20 months in MC til about Nov when she started refusing to take meds.  After about a week of cajoling we stopped them all. At that point she was falling regularly, incontinent, + saying only a few words.  Recognized family intermittently.  

About 5 weeks ago, she began having trouble feeding herself + I told them to cut up appropriate food + place it in front of her.  She was eating about 20% normal intake primarily because she was sleeping 20 hrs+ a day + would fall asleep at meals.  She went on hospice mid Dec.  We put MC on notice that mom had clearly told us she did not want hand feeding.  We had some pushback from them, but they finally agreed(we had planned on removing her to my DD’s home if they insisted on hand feeding) She quit walking completely about April 22.

Mom quit eating about May 9, quit drinking fluids on May 12.  I stayed with her in MC starting May 14.  She was mostly sleeping with very brief moments with eyes open.   Mom had no underlying disease, just AD.   I would never allow her to be hospitalized for any falls.   We would have refused any tests because we were not going to treat her to extend her time with AD for any reason.

Hospice was wonderful.  They came in with music therapy, bed baths, hospital bed, nurse, social worker, wheelchair, shower chair, supplies(depends, wipes etc)Information + support for the family.  If your LO is declining + you need help get them in.....there is no downside.

Mom gradually faded away yesterday morning.   Hospice was surprised but not shocked she lived so long without liquids.   They have seen it before, but it is not common.  

My family’s journey with my mom’s AD was much easier than most.  She never became aggressive. No hallucinations.  She did tell us someone was hiding her things. We had sufficient funds to have her at a fine MC.  It wasnt perfect, but she liked the activities + she had family visit 2+ times a week. After a couple years of worry + sleeplessness because of the horror I felt she was experiencing, I now feel relief for her that she no longer has to live with the loss of her mind and her independence + dignity.    I didnt lose my mom yesterday, but years before to AD.  She was well loved. 

Mom had clear advance directives in writing + verbally to the family.  We were well aware this was not how she wanted to live.  I urge everyone to make sure they have clear instructions to their families of want they want or dont want for medical treatment before they dementia or disability strikes.   


SelEtPoivre
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 8:13 AM
Joined: 3/8/2018
Posts: 703


Dear Terei, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother.
BethL
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 8:13 AM
Joined: 3/25/2015
Posts: 534


Job well done. You are a loving daughter. My condolences in your loss.
Rescue mom
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 8:18 AM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 542


My condolences. I have greatly admired your mom’s forethought and how you have gone along this journey. Your advice has been so helpful. I know this is a blessing in some ways, but still must be hard in others. But thanks to you and your mom for your example.
TessC
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 8:54 AM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 4740


My sincere condolences, terei for your family's loss. It sounds like your mother's dignity was preserved to a large extent and she was in no pain when she left this world. Best wishes to you and prayers for your mother.
Rockym
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:10 AM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 873


terei, so sorry to hear of your mom's passing.  Make sure you take care of yourself at this time.  Hospice has grief groups/and counseling for a year after a loved one passes.  When our mom's have dementia and pass, at first we think of them and that they no longer have to live that way, but soon enough the sadness hits us and it can be difficult.  I know I experienced acceptance first and then sadness and anger.  All the feelings were extreme and seemed to be out of order.

Whatever you are feeling at any time is perfectly normal.  It gets better and make sure you give yourself that time to heal.


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:12 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 16761


our hearts are with you..........
D in law
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:14 AM
Joined: 4/24/2017
Posts: 513


Peace be with you, terei
EN85
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:32 AM
Joined: 1/10/2019
Posts: 64


My thoughts and prayers are with you
EN85
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:33 AM
Joined: 1/10/2019
Posts: 64


My thoughts and prayers are with you
ghostdog
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:40 AM
Joined: 2/9/2015
Posts: 565


I am sorry for your loss.

thank you for sharing the decisionmaking (for lack of a better phrase) over the last few months of your mother's life.

 


Sayra
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 9:41 AM
Joined: 8/10/2016
Posts: 1383


(((Terei)))
mostlyme
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 12:32 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 158


terei, it sounds like your mother had a good death.  Well done advocating for her and helping her to have a peaceful passing.  Years ago when one of my LO was dying and not eating I did a lot of research on it.  I learned that it is a peaceful and even blissful way to go.  That took the worry out of it for me so I could let it be.  It's hard for us to not treat the dying.  It's ingrained in us to 'do something'.  I hope it wasn't too hard on you and your family - and I hope that soon the hard memories are replaced with the joyful ones of who your mother really was.  Blessings.
syrac818
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 1:29 PM
Joined: 5/1/2013
Posts: 141


I really admire your strength and advocacy throughout this journey.  Your mom was very lucky to have you.  My condolences.
Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 1:35 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 9648


Deat Terie, I am sending my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved mother; you have been a loving and caring daughter as well as a wonderful advocate; may peace and solace find you soon.

J.


NC caregiver
Posted: Thursday, May 23, 2019 10:41 PM
Joined: 2/7/2018
Posts: 855


My condolences to you & your family . I am glad that you were able to fulfill her wishes and that she is now at peace and no suffering.   Take care of yourself now .
Victoria2020
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 1:05 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 451


Thank you for sharing. Sadly beautiful. Could anyone ask for more than it be loved and respected at the end. Your honored your mother.

 

(Funny people are against forced feeding for veal but people, who will never get better.....My opinion is the brain is telling the body "we part here old friend").


Daisylost
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 2:13 AM
Joined: 5/12/2018
Posts: 54


I'm sorry for your loss and we know that your mother is at peace now. 

xxD


Livesbythebeach
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 6:20 AM
Joined: 4/3/2019
Posts: 82


So sorry for your loss! Sending peace & healing to you and your family.
Deanna_M
Posted: Friday, May 24, 2019 11:01 AM
Joined: 12/24/2016
Posts: 192


Dear Terei, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. I will be thinking of you and your family during this sad time.

 


NoSiblings
Posted: Sunday, May 26, 2019 5:02 PM
Joined: 9/3/2016
Posts: 93


My sincere condolences on your loss, but I so relate to your statement that you did not lose your mom yesterday. You lost her long before that. I feel exactly the same way. My mom's body is still with us, but my mom has been gone now for a long time. Rarely I still get a slight glimpse, but it is rare and brief. I'm so glad your mom had made her wishes known. I'm fortunate that my mom had done that also. Like you, I know my mom does not want to linger on like this, and like you I will do nothing to prolong this for her. I'm glad your mom is at peace now as are you. Remember your mom as she really was before this dreadful disease stole her away.
Suziesb
Posted: Sunday, May 26, 2019 9:30 PM
Joined: 5/22/2018
Posts: 140


Terei,

I'm sorry for the loss of your dear mother, but thank you so much for taking the time to give us the history of her AD, and then her decline. It helps us to know what may occur. I know everyone is different, but I suspect my mother may follow a similar path as your's, as she sounds very similar.

I hope she goes as peacefully someday as your's did. Again, thank you for sharing. It was kind of you. I wish only the best for you now that you have a new journey ahead.


Wgonzo
Posted: Monday, May 27, 2019 7:15 PM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 363


terei,

My heart is with you and your family. Now that she is at peace I hope you find peace and happiness knowing you did right by her.

I wish you well and if ever you need to still talk find us on the other forum. It's been over a year for me, but I still need to talk things out.

Hugs

Wendy