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Rambling thoughts....
curveskarla
Posted: Thursday, July 5, 2012 9:20 PM
Joined: 7/2/2012
Posts: 5


I find myself feeling a mixture of anger, sadness, enormous guilt, and loss of hope.  I told myself for months that mom moving in would be a good thing, her care would be better with me, it wouldn't be that much different than my current life and she's my mom and I love her, of course I wanted her in my home.  Well now she's here. She's  missing her spouse of 30 years, that's a void I can't even begin to fill.  She needs a lot of cueing for all tasks and I'm finding my patience wearing thin when it's not her fault at all.  She is just as lost in this new life as I am.  Her desire to help me is overwhelming, I don't know how to delegate very well and her vision loss makes simple chores difficult. All these thoughts make me feel like a horrible daughter, how can I resent my mom?  I guess it's not really her I resent but others in my life that have made these decisions that I had no control over.  I hate not having control....

I'm so used to being alone, I feel guilty for not having more conversations with her.  I feel guilty for wondering how I'm going to manage now that I'm her full time care giver.  I have so much anger towards the step family that split them apart I can't even begin to cope with that.  I'm finding myself not wanting to come home from work and worst of all I find myself resenting my loss of freedom.  I resent my sisters for not helping more, their lives haven't changed but I constantly hear "we" are taking care of mommy, "we" have to be supportive, "we" have to be strong.  I see only "me" making life changes....  I don't want to feel like this forever and I wonder how long it will take to feel normal in our new life together. 

So it helps typing out the words, I feel less heavy in my heart but the guilt is still there.  I have to remember to pray for guidance when I'm feeling all alone and overwhelmed.  There is a bigger force than me that can take my burden and lighten my load.  Please Lord, keep me and mom in your safe hands and guide us through this difficult transition.  Peace, love and light please find your way to our hearts....


Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, July 6, 2012 8:36 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Sounds like you aren't in love, Karla. With life. You've gotta fall in love. One way or another. I suggest starting with small things. Virtually anything. Because everything becomes big and significant and profound. Once you fall in love. Maybe it's because you exist. Because you are an alive and conscious being. Capable of thought. Yes, even capable of love. You don't have to love everything. Just something. There's gotta be something that turns you on. Maybe it's fresh air. The scenery. Nature. Maybe literature. Maybe exploration of a single thought. About love. Think about the happenstance that brought you into the world. You were meant to be. Meant to be you. Now do it. Be you. You were meant to be fulfilled. Happy. In love. Take this thought. Run with it. Embrace it. Savor a single moment. And then a second moment. And a third moment. The joys of life are limitless. --Jim
Waiting for a cure
Posted: Saturday, July 7, 2012 7:08 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 295


curveskarla wrote:

 

So it helps typing out the words, I feel less heavy in my heart but the guilt is still there.  I have to remember to pray for guidance when I'm feeling all alone and overwhelmed.  There is a bigger force than me that can take my burden and lighten my load.  Please Lord, keep me and mom in your safe hands and guide us through this difficult transition.  Peace, love and light please find your way to our hearts....

 
 

Loving daughter, your life with mom living with you might not "normalize" the way it would if she were healthy, because the dementia will keep changing the target.  Count your loving care of your mom as a continual act of worship to our God who created her and who loves her. 

 
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:13-16). 
 
Consider your frustrations and stumbling as what they are, being human. Sure, you'll get frustrated at some things that happen!  You'[re not a saint,  You might feel like blowing your lid sometimes, we all do.  Your mom wouldn't hold these against you.  You're doing your best.  Don't hold onto the guilt.... 
I recommend a youtube video I found when I was really struggling with feelings of guilt.  I think it's called "the paradox of alzheimers caregiving."  It's long, and perhaps not all of it applies to your situation.  The speaker starts to address guilt at 29:15 or so.  However, I still found the entire video helpful.  I listened to it all at once one night because i'd had quite a bad day and deeded something....but i bet it's easier a little at a time because it is long.