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I am worthless now!!!!
BlueSkies
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 10:55 AM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096


I use to do many things.  I have a BS degree.  I was a social worker and a registered polysomnographer.  I use to be on gymnastic team in college.  I was always in wonderful shape and took pride in my body and looks.  I was a person who liked to always be doing and going.  Now I am so limited, it makes me want to cry.  I can't drive!  I can't cook!  I have trouble seeing!  I have trouble talking!  I have trouble walking sometimes!  There is not much I can do anymore, but type.  I type to stay alive.  To feel like I still exist.  My world is my home and my pc.  It's sad, so sad.  It hurts when others say you just have to push yourself.  I have!  I am!  I get out of bed!  That's an accomplishment for me.  I get on my PC and type!  That's an accomplishment for me.  But apparently that is not enough!   Even here I feel like I am no good.  Like I am not trying hard enough.  I am so hurt.  So hurt.  Today is bad and I know it.  I should not be on here ranting.  I will probably regret this later.  But for now, I don't care.  Sorry, so sorry for what I have become. 

We all have our days.  This is mine...


ladyzetta
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 11:14 AM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1314


Dear Blue Skies,

Please Please, don't feel this way. I love  you and all your kind words, I wish I could give you a (((BIG HUG))). Your are a very smart lady and it shows in all your postings. Your are a BIG HELP to all of us who come on these boards for help. I remember you as being one of the first post I received that helped me get through the 1st steps of having to deal with this disease my DH has. 

I am so glad you find the time to post you are MUCH needed on these boards to help people like me. Please don't regret for sharing your feelings I hope you feel better by sharing them. HUGS and LOVE to YOU, Zetta 


Momta3
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 11:50 AM
Joined: 6/2/2017
Posts: 27


Hugs....I have no idea what what is going on but you sound like you need a hug.       No matter what our situation we have all felt like this. From elementary schoo thru adulthood....I've personally, felt like I've done or said the wrong thing...acted the wrong way many many times...Had one friend, gathering, or rant vent that I thought I messed up for good. 

From what I understand, and I'm extremely new here, this is a safe place for those outbursts...no judgement, just opinions is how I come to think about it.....no one will judge, but they will freely give opinions lol....but also a lot of compassion when needed!

Here's another hug...whatever was said/posted/done is no biggie....all opinions are valid....all experiences are valid but agreement is not, and people are emotional responders....so feelings sometimes get hurt....,


Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 11:52 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I see an interior beauty. That radiates. You are my sunshine.  You are an amazing woman. A human being of the highest order. Your spirit will survive. Forever. Physical existence is only temporary. Your best times are yet to come, Blue Skies. You are priceless. Not worthless. I know it. And you should know it. You are a gem. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it. --Jim
Sayra
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 12:45 PM
Joined: 8/10/2016
Posts: 2897


BlueSkies,  ((((HUGS)))). You need us. We need you.
sharon11daugherty
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 12:55 PM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


Best gift to self....   tube..beautiful name.  By Hillsong

Not about us sweet friend. And what we can do....... You were chosen, before you were born "to be Holy and Blameless in His Sight"   Ephesians 4:1

Be encouraged. Today.  You are enough.  Jim, I borrowed your words for me today. I needed them also. Thank you!


BlueSkies
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 1:16 PM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096


I'm so sorry.  It's me!  Just me!  No one is to blame.  Just me.  The clouds are so dark in my head today, it scares me.  My heart feels like it has been pierced and the blood is flowing freely, just like my tears.  I see even the news is so dark.  I can not watch it anymore.  This world is cold and hard and getting colder and harder.  I pray and pray to have strength to continue my journey.  Thank you all so much for putting up with me and thank you for the life line.  I don't know what I would do without it.  God told me once that friends would appear when I needed them.  I thought that was a strange thing to hear at the time, but I think now I know what he meant.

Jim, your words made me cry even more, but good tears.  Tears of knowing that what you say is true.  I will go on and be beautiful again and full of life.  I know it's wrong to want it now, but days like this I want it.  I do!  I ask God sometimes to take me now.  This is not my home anymore.  Then I feel guilty and weak and ashamed.  I know he forgives me, but it doesn't matter.  I want to be strong and make him proud.  I still can.  I have tomorrow.  Just have to hold on to that for now. 


George K
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 1:26 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2818


Hey BlueSkies, God never promised we'd have an easy life.  God did promise He'd go through it with us, though.  All we have to do is ask.

Here's a gigantic cyber bear hug...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BlueSkies)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


chrisp1653
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 2:08 PM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1285


I'm sure you knew that there was no way I would let this pass by once I saw it. Knowledge is a cruel thing. Physical prowess is a cruel thing. Beauty is a cruel thing. Talent is a cruel thing. Why ? Because at some time, whether early or later, they will leave us. The knowledge fades. The physical strength and agility becomes labored breathing and clumsiness . The beauty of youth becomes wrinkles and sagging skin. Our talents become overshadowed by a younger generation that doesn't recognize or understand the things we were once able to do. Even faith can seem to fly away, as the lies of the tempter begin to sound more acceptable.

He whispers, " you are worthless, " in a thousand different ways, until we begin to believe his words, and not the words that we know, deep in our hearts, to really be true. You know those words. They have not departed from you . You have great worth. Jesus died for broken people. When you think you are nothing, He is declaring your name to His Father.

Truly, when you think you have nothing of value to give anyone, come here and read the words of the ones who really have no hope ; the ones who would give up the fight, except that they read the words of a sufferer whose faith has sustained her. A sufferer who calls herself BlueSkies. They read those words and suddenly, the day is not quite so bleak. The cold room is not quite so chilling. The prospects of life take on a more positive aspect.

I suspect that you do not see what your presence here has done, and continues to do. Take a day, or two, or even three days, and go back and read the hundreds of posts from your keyboard. Then read the comments. See the difference you have made.

There's no way to make an accurate count, but my considered opinion is that there are many dozens, and more, who are eager to read the wisdom and gentleness that seems to flow from you when you write.

My apologies for making anyone try to wade through my rambling and meandering writing style. Mostly, my apologies to a gracious lady who has complimented me and encouraged me, and even called me her friend. I thank you for all you have done, for me,and for others.

Blessings, my friend.

 

Chris


ladyzetta
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 4:10 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1314


Chris.

That was Beautiful and everything you said to Blue Skies, is so true. Zetta


sharon11daugherty
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 6:45 PM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


I agree!

Blue Skies tell us some of your most memorable days, when the clouds were brief and fleeting!


BlueSkies
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 10:37 PM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096


You all are just so understanding and sweet.  Thanks for the hugs and kind words from each one of you.  I know you all have your own problems and to take time out to reach out to me like that means so much.  It gives me hope and reminds me that there is still much good in this world.

Chris, what you wrote really was beautiful.  You have pulled me out of the dumps a few times now.  You are an Angel here.  I hope I can get a grip on these horrible moods and not make this a habit.  It is embarrassing even though I know you all understand.  

Cried on my DH's shoulder when he came home.  He took me for a burger and fries (my favorite and yes, I know it's not healthy, but it was a treat).  Then we went for a long drive.  It cleared my head and relaxed me.  He is so good to me.  I really am blessed with him and all my friends here.

Thank you!

 


BlueSkies
Posted: Monday, June 5, 2017 11:40 PM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096


Sharon,  

Sorry I forgot to say that I appreciate the song you mentioned.  It was a beautiful song and so uplifting.  Thank you.

Also, I hope you don't mind, but just not up to sharing memories right now.  Maybe you could share some of yours.  Would love to hear about some of your most memorable times.  Maybe it would get me in the mood.


sharon11daugherty
Posted: Tuesday, June 6, 2017 3:14 PM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


Immediately trips with hubby come to mind. 

Venice where Our son was stationed. Riding in a gondola with hubby, just as wonderful as dreaming about it.  I wanted to see the lace factory. They told us it caught fire so many times it moved far off from the other islands. There are over 200 of them! Each about a couple miles each. Just to get lost there was so much fun. I found a beautiful tapestry in a cheap magazine  of  the gondola riding through buildings, we have it hanging on our wall. Hubby and I are "there"  still every time we see it. In all of Europe that is our ever present happy time, together that night, somewhere we never imagined we would go.

 


sharon11daugherty
Posted: Tuesday, June 6, 2017 5:30 PM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


I have posted before and will continue. This is the verse I have on my bathroom mirror in white marker.

D O NOT  LOSE HEART....THOUGH OUTWARDLY WE ARE WASTING AWAY YET INWARDLY WE ARE BEING RENEWED DAY BY DAY...OUR LIGHT AND MOMENTARY TROUBLES ARE ACHIEVING FOR US AN ETERNAL GLORY THAT FAR OUTWEIGHS THEM ALL.

2 Corithians 4:16


BlueSkies
Posted: Tuesday, June 6, 2017 10:10 PM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096


Sharon,  

I rode an elephant and several water buffalo in the Philippines when young.  It was a lot of fun.  When the water buffalo ran through ponds and then came out I would have leeches all over my legs and would just pick them off and keep riding.  So funny what you will do as a kid.  Would be horrified to do that now, lol.  (Not the riding, the leeches.)

I rode in a horse drawn sleigh in the mountains in Germany with a blanket on my lap and hot chocolate.  It was so magical.  Also toured several castles.  That was with my first husband.

Went snorkeling around some beautiful deserted island in the Bahamas on my honeymoon.  Saw a huge octopus and thought I was in a horror movie and came up screaming.  We laughed about that later.

It is fun remembering these things.  Haven't thought about them in a long time.

 

 

 


chrisp1653
Posted: Tuesday, June 6, 2017 10:41 PM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1285


The good memories are surely the best. How wonderful when they just pop up after having lain dormant for many years. I'm always thrilled when the good ones come home to roost. Not so happy with the bad ones.

But the river flows onward.

 

Chris


chrisp1653
Posted: Wednesday, June 7, 2017 4:27 AM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1285


Oh, and Sharon, I just might have to tap you on the shoulder one of these days and have you write once in a while the " Bible Verse To Lift You Up ," up in the caregiver's venue. That's some good stuff you post!

Thanks,

 

Chris


sharon11daugherty
Posted: Wednesday, June 7, 2017 11:05 AM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


Anytime, Chris. I am lifted out of the muck and mire every day. My circumstances do not affect the Joy I have. Yes, "this light and momentary" time will pass, just as my gondola ride.  We have times of riding horses and visiting castles, snorkeling and seeing the beauty below....yet we know in "this world we will have trouble"... 

We know and still it seems as if the trouble lasts longer than the vacation did!

I think God wants all our attention and Glory for what he  has done. This journey has brought me to his later every morning and night.

Side note...I am kinda lazy in my day normally...I started something new. Every morning I get ready as if I were June Cleaver, (Leave it to Beaver Mom).

My hair is combed and sprayed, face clean, teeth done, clothes on and ironed! (By 9am!!!)Sometimes I see another person, sometimes I don't, but I do not want to allow anyone including Me , to think that this is a give up time. I am more confident in my days lately too!


sharon11daugherty
Posted: Wednesday, June 7, 2017 11:07 AM
Joined: 8/6/2015
Posts: 1736


PP.s.   George I love the cyber hug.  I will be using it!
Jim Broede
Posted: Friday, June 9, 2017 6:39 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I want you to remind yourself daily. That you are the one and only Blue Skies, aka Julie.  And that you are living a blessed and worthwhile life. Despite your occasional doubts. Your husband knows it. And I know it.  And deep down, you know it, too. We all know it. --Jim