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overwhelming emotions and recovery
alz+
Posted: Wednesday, August 16, 2017 8:18 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


I am giving myself a long time to recover my weekend of battling desires vs brain capacity.

It takes as long as it takes.

Add to the list anything you use to recover from meltdowns.

meltdowns are the emotional unraveling from over-stimulation and fear of no support, a cascade of noxious chemicals that drain one's sanity and composure and for people with dementia it lowers out cognition to levels below being able to function.

for me I end up yelling back at my husband, shaking, weakness, awash in frustration and lashing back, feelings of remorse and guilt.

******

#1 - to be alone  

#2 - any possible distraction

#3 - the natural world

#4 - remember to drink water

#5 - replace vitamins and minerals lost in hours of raging

#6 - forced sleep

#7 - hot bath

#8 - avoiding public to avoid arrest or forced hospitalization

******

I am still laying low, not speaking, walk a little, when the inner vibrating stops then I can count on continued improvement. Until then I will avoid all conversation.

when it happened years ago I had no idea what it was and thought it was a personal failing. Now I observe it unfold and see it is my body and brain shutting down like a circuit breaker. 

My body tells me when it can tolerate further ... interactions. Today I hope to be distracted by something, maybe take camera on a short walk and look for bugs. Have been finding butterfly wings and putting them in my pockets - and they don't make it into an art piece that way but it is a good signal I am coming back to balance.

thank you all for your support.  be kind to yourself, everything else seems to unfold from that point.

love and courage


MPSunshine
Posted: Wednesday, August 16, 2017 8:38 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 2012


Hi, Alz+, Your posts along with the posts of your peers, are extremely enlightening to me and it is also heartening to me to read of your strategies for re-balancing. I would also like to share that because I also worship in the Orthodox tradition that I have taken the liberty of adding you to my prayer list. If you would like me to remove you I will do so. I do believe that there is some strength and power to be tapped from the world of the spirit, and I did find that my mom retreated more and more to a spiritual way of being as she lost some of her abilities. Blessings to you, and strength as you work through your emotions around your travel.
Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, August 16, 2017 1:26 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18502


I have found that I need to practice what I call "conscious positivity" in order to regroup and rebalance myself.  This includes, as you say, withdrawing from noxious stimuli, which is all around us.  Do what you have to do, Alz+! 


Iris L.


alz+
Posted: Wednesday, August 16, 2017 2:55 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


mp - another orthodox person!  appreciate being on your prayer list.

(my saint is mary magdalene    )

I have been drifting around today, still crying, cleansing out.

*****

Iris - yes, reminder to look for my lighthouse. the lighthouse guards a safe harbor, have not seen the beam in a few days.

I think I have a long time to go, worn out physically. Fighting is just the ugliest worst, so toxic.

My dog who died last year used to sit by me and press her full weight against my chest when I was upset. The new dog is not very responsive to me. 

resting in the in between. 


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 7:03 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Alz+,

You must be exhausted. I think the body/brain shutting down serves as protectant when we can't take anymore. I am being careful not to go out into public if I'm too tired or agitated and trying to stick to smaller stores that have less stimuli. You are right in not expending anymore energy on fighting. I so hope you feel better soon. Love & Prayers


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 1:34 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18502


Every time I am away from home I become exhausted.  My trips take a lot out of me.  You will need LOTS of rest.  Just absorb all the rest you need.  Then, all of a sudden you will regain your former get-up-and-go.


Iris L.


lisabramey
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 2:12 PM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 96


Dear Alz+,

I hope your recovery is continuing right along. Your list had some good ideas, I might borrow a few to use myself.

Thinking of you,

Lisa


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 4:11 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21237


You are in my thoughts today. 

You participated in a huge endeavor and are undoubtedly depleted. 

You list is filled with positives to which I would add (because it helps me) do not get dressed.

When I am done I am done and must hibernate. Nothing else works.

Oh, wait.You might add some sublingual B complex. Some swear it helps stress/meltdown.


alz+
Posted: Friday, August 18, 2017 5:02 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


Still rattled. 

I think "meltdowns" are similar to extended panic attacks. Some fears about end of life have been rising and being abandoned and could be triggering panic attack like state?

whatever ends panic attacks might work? 

JFKOC - I do use a sublingual B complex - but forgot to add that or take them, or maybe because I am still nauseated skipped that and Emergen-C fizzy packs. 

*****

I have also been in pain for over 4 weeks, all factors delaying recovery.

Because I live in a very rural area resources are slim, however what is available is less constricted by rules. I have an appointment with Hospice for next week so I can discuss my end of life plans and receive grief counseling from them. I will also ask my country doctor about what to treat in future, not sure I can reject ALL help for physical issues - my main fear is being left in a hospital voiceless undergoing painful and creepy tests or treatments. Was often left alone in hospitals as a child and as an adult. 

****

When Keeper offers to help I have been hearing that as wanting me to drop dead sooner than later. Some times nothing he does can help things, sometimes there is nothing that will help except facing it and accepting it and waiting.

I think the people at hospice will be a big help. Anyone else use them to plan?

supposed to be beautiful today, will try for a slow walk. Kept food down yesterday. Still very weak and so wish the pain would go away.

*****

Iris - I hang on your words that the stress and tension inside my head and body will leave suddenly and could regain my strength.


Iris L.
Posted: Friday, August 18, 2017 1:14 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18502


When I was in my deep depression, I did a lot of reading about end of life.  One of the concepts I learned is that getting to the end is related to mobility.  When mobility decreases, the end is getting closer.  


Alz+, you are not near the end!  You are still mobile!  You are in pain as a reaction to the five hour car journey and the stress of the reunion and your house remodeling and other things that were going on in your life a few days ago! You just have to accept that you CAN'T MULTITASK and can't have that kind of overstimulated life again!  You can have a life, but it will be DIFFERENT!  


I had to tell myself this over and over again, and in fact, I am still telling myself this today, as I post this.  Being "even" is the only way I can function.  I can't function with a life of  highs and lows.  When I live that kind of life, I don't get anywhere, and don't make any constructive progress in my life.  I remind myself that I must become like the TURTLE--slow and steady wins the race of my life.


This kind of life may seem boring to us, because as Americans, we are used to constant activity and stimulus and being on the go all the time.  Well, no more for us.  That type of life is not good for anyone, but at least we can learn it while we still have time to benefit from knowing this.  But we have to keep reminding ourselves, because we forget.  At least, I forgot.  This was the topic on the radio this morning, and what a timely topic for me!


You, my dear, need REST, and lots of it!  You need to bring everything that comforts you into your life.  Let go of everything else.  You will recover from this onslaught of pain, but it will take time.  It feels like it will never end, but it will.  I'm in the process of recovering myself.  It is slow. But I see light at the end of the tunnel.  This is why I can be sure of what I am telling you.  Stay strong, Alz+!


Iris L.






llee08032
Posted: Saturday, August 19, 2017 9:07 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Alz+,

When I get a full blown shingles outbreak it is horrid because I get them on my nose and right side of my face and it has left me with scars. I've even had blisters in my eyes before. I take Valacyclovir, 1000 mg per day as soon as I feel even a slight tingle, itch, or burning sensation. I started taking the antiviral over two weeks ago when I felt burning sensation. This outbreak so far led to tiny blisters on my nose with burning. I just have some marks now from where the blisters were. I feel crappy from antivirals but will take them for another week at least. I heard if you stay on low dose it can help prevent or lead to less severe outbreaks. Additionally, when I get super stressed I take antiviral also for about a week. It's like trying to avoid the plague for me and fearing an outbreak equals more stress.

jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, August 19, 2017 11:17 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21237


I hope Hospice will be of great help to you. Please keep in mind that each is different so if more than one is near talk to all. What day are you meeting? WE want to be certain to be next to you.

The more fears you can release the better you may feel.


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, August 19, 2017 1:09 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18502


Alz+, right now I am reminiscing over your words of wisdom over the years.  About managing our environment, not being an empty shell, doing wordless activities, being in nature, not giving into the scare stories, avoiding aggravations, change fear to interest.  There is so much more, I will have to meditate on them. You have brought so much into my life, Alz+!  I truly believe that the only way PWDs can go forward is to share and to learn from each other.  I'm happy you are here!  Do what you have to do!  Forget other people who try to rain on your parade!


Iris L.


llee08032
Posted: Sunday, August 20, 2017 9:36 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Alz+,

Ditto to all Iris said about you and more! You are a natural at nurturing others and you have conceptualized different aspects of having dementia in so many unique and awe inspiring ways. Your ability to change concepts is unlike anyone I've ever met and I've met, been taught by and worked with some smart people during my lifetime. At the same time you are straightforward, uncomplicated and a simple person.  You wear humility very well, my friend and it is lovely to see. 

It's your turn to be nurtured and I'm tagging you. Hush and don't blush! Just take it in and breathe.

I hope having plans in place with hospice can bring you peace of mind and a sense of security. 


alz+
Posted: Monday, August 21, 2017 8:07 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


I have read all the replies this morning and appreciate all the insights and words of comfort.

Being distracted can help end meltdowns - I am going to interpret the smell  of dead animals coming out of kitchen sink drain as my saints distracting me from worry. Ha! Keeper has battled them for a couple days and I redid what he did so called plumber.

I know the house is just too much responsibility for me. Changing that is beyond me.

****

my meeting is tomorrow with hospice and we will see what is available. They want the pain issue to be labeled with a name, a diagnosis.

****

I understand now I was angry with Keeper for not giving me certain things, and I was angry about my daughter in law's seeming cold calculated indifference to me having Alzheimer's. I was mad at the house, my mother brother and sister for not being how I wished they were.

The antidote was feeling the heartache and releasing that emotional pain. 

So - life goes on. I took a gaba last night, got my meds back on schedule, increased oil, and have done what iris said to do and rested.

I wish I could love my house and make repairs from that point of view, shoring up the sanctuary, the plumber might come today to fix the house smells or explain how much it will cost to put in new pipes in basement. 

love and courage (and I need some luck)

 


Iris L.
Posted: Monday, August 21, 2017 2:48 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18502


You sound better.  Keep on, keepin' on!  We have to set priorities.  We can't do everything. 

 

Best wishes with your visit tomorrow.  


Iris L.