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It's always something (ugh)
Posted: Wednesday, November 8, 2017 12:57 PM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131

My ex, who has been in a facility for 5 weeks now, hates it. A friend of his from another city halfway across the state called him and he complained to her about his miserable plight and she volunteered to get him moved to a facility in the city where she used to live. He jumped on that like white on rice. The main issue is that the facility in that city might not accept him due to his specific care needs compared to what their facility offers. He has not even gotten a full neurological exam yet, since the day he was scheduled to have one, the hospital discharged him and moved him to the facility. Now the facility is "trying" to get him an appointment. (I didn't think it was hard. Basically, you call a neurologist and schedule an appointment. Done. But, whatever.)

I told his friend to hold off at least until he gets a formal neurological eval. Well, apparently he pressured her and she caved and is now telling him she is coming on Saturday to pick him up and take him to this new facility WHICH HASN'T EVEN DECIDED WHETHER TO ACCEPT HIM YET. The social worker (not nurse, not doctor, not neurologist; social worker) at the place his is now has "diagnosed" him as having "unstable mental condition/dementia". I know from my own care provider experience with him that he needs full time care. He can still feed, dress, toilet himself and shower, eat and take meds with reminders (but not without reminders). This friend has him convinced she is coming this Saturday to take him to the new facility. I've asked her, suggested strongly to her, insisted to her that it might be best to wait until he has had a neurological diagnosis and then see first whether or not the new facility is going to accept him there, because what if they don't?????? But her response was "oh, they will" like as if she's never heard of Murphy's Law before. This has me pulling my hair out. 

Right now the POA belongs to the facility where he is and the social worker's assessment of him is that "he can sign himself out if he wants to", so basically he has authority over himself and nobody has control of what's going to happen next. I asked his friend (who also works full time) what she will do if the facility he wants to go to won't accept him. ("Oh they will"). I told her he cannot be left alone and needs supervision full time. She says if the first facility won't take him, there is another in the next town. Apparently she has never heard of waiting lists, either. 
I am planning to wait until this afternoon and then call the facility who is supposed to be deciding whether or not they will admit him about whether or not they will admit him. I asked her to call and let me know but haven't heard back yet. I asked the social worker at his current facility to call me and let me know but haven't heard from her, either. So this afternoon I will call them directly and see what they have decided about admitting or not admitting him (micromanagement skills kicking in again). It's now Wednesday afternoon. His friend is coming to get him on Saturday no matter what the facility decides, I guess. 
I wonder what my blood pressure is like right now.     *sigh*

Mimi S.
Posted: Wednesday, November 8, 2017 5:51 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7028

Dear kelly,

Might not be nice to say, but thank the Lord he's an ex.

His might soon be his residence, should appreciate the heads up.

Let his new found (old) friend deal with him.
Nero appts might take as long as three months.

Posted: Wednesday, November 8, 2017 9:10 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1308

Dear Kelly,

So sorry to hear you are going through this you have done so much for your ex, maybe its time to let his new/old friend take over so you can take care of yourself. Hugs Zetta 

Posted: Thursday, November 9, 2017 7:53 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131

I definitely intend to let things take place however they do. The potential new facility is planning to send someone to his current facility to interview/observe him in person some time late next week in order to help them determine whether or not he will be an appropriate match for the services at their facility. Not going to happen if he's already gone from there this weekend, but that's not my problem either. 

While I'm still concerned for his well being and long-term well being, one of the things I disliked intensely about being a care giver was how it made me feel compelled to micromanage everything to try and ensure nothing fell through the cracks to his detriment or mine. I know that if I try to micromanage this it will just create stress for me. I'm sorry to see it happening this way and am aware of a lot of potential complications, but I can not let myself step in and get involved because, really, it's none of my business any more. If the facility thinks he's able to make his own decisions and he makes them, there's not really anything I can do about that. Whatever the consequences, he and his friend will have to deal with them and make the best of things however it's going to play out. I appreciate the words of wisdom from people with clearer heads than mine on this. I actually hope he does move because he will be much further away and I will be a lot less involved and that ought to give me a good chance to start trying to reclaim my own life. 

Posted: Thursday, November 9, 2017 4:54 PM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131

Well, this has almost gone exactly like I expected it might. New facility isn't sure they will take him and is going to do their own eval before making a decision, so he's definitely not going there this weekend. The woman who was coming to pick him up has not responded to any attempts to contact her (his current facility called her but she didn't answer and hasn't returned their call). He is livid because he was told (by the woman who was going to pick him up) that she was coming to get him Saturday and now instead he is "stuck" there another week until he gets the eval and decision. Of course, he's not accustomed to anything blocking what he wants to do so he is in meltdown mode (for just one week's extra wait).

IF she had not given him a specific date and just left it open ended and said "we're working on it to see what we can do" none of this would have happened. If she had paid attention to people telling her not to give him specifics instead of doing it her own headstrong, perfectly confident of getting her own way method, none of this would have happened. And now she's leaving it on the facility staff where he is and me to try to pour some oil on the water. He's furious because he was going to get his way NOW and now he has to wait at least a whole extra week and even then might still not get his way. 

Sigh. So what happens when real life comes along and mixes up all your plans? I'm glad my phone has an "off" button!


Posted: Saturday, November 11, 2017 9:13 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2663

I am just curious what, if anything, has happened. Since its Saturday I wonder if the friend has responded or even shown up.

You are in a no win situation here & I think you know it. However you do want what is best for his care, which is admirable. Oh the bumpy road of ALZ, it is always something.


Jim Broede
Posted: Saturday, November 11, 2017 10:17 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462

There's something nice about bumpy roads. They help to build character. Life isn't meant to be a totally smooth ride. --Jim
Posted: Monday, November 13, 2017 9:20 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I hope the situation with your ex get's worked out and that he gets placed somewhere that he likes better than his current arrangement. Your sense of responsibility for his well being is admirable. So many just throw their hands up and walk away in these type of situations with ex's. I think I would feel and act in the same way if I were in your shoes. 

Posted: Monday, November 13, 2017 11:02 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131

I was so furious with that woman on Friday that I was ready to call her up and read her the riot act, but I was sure if she saw who was calling, she wouldn't have picked up her phone. No, she never responded to anybody's attempts to contact her, but my ex- called her on Friday to see what her plans were and SHE BLAMED THE ENTIRE SITUATION ON ME!!!!! I was SO mad but then figured that whatever is going to happen will happen, whether I want it to go that way or not, and whether I like it or not. 

She never showed up on Saturday and didn't even call him to let him know that. I felt sorry for him for putting his trust and hopes on someone who very obviously doesn't deserve it. But if that's what he chooses to do, I can't really prevent him from doing that, either. I tried but he will make his own decision on that one, and even after this big disappointment from her, I'm sure if she called him and told him she would come get him this Saturday he would pack up and be ready to go.

The people from the other facility are going to come and interview him on Friday (this week) and try to evaluate him in order to decide whether to admit him or not. 

If they decide not, he has a back up plan. He's going to get his own apartment and live on his own in one of the high-demand areas of a very expensive city where rents have gone insane in the last few years. He doesn't think that he needs to have someone prepare meals for him, remind him to eat them, make sure he drinks enough to keep out the the ER for dehydration, takes his meds on time, and do all the other myriad miscellaneous things that you need to do to live independently. And he thinks he can do all this on his small social security check to boot. I wish I shared his optimism.

Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, November 13, 2017 11:24 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462

I’ve never had a living ex. So don’t know how I’d handle a break-up. Hopefully, there would be no animosity. Both of us would get on with our lives. My dear longtime  (38 years) wife Jeanne had an ex. And I encouraged her to be nice to him. To hold no grudges.  Because he cleared the way. For me to enter the picture. Really, he did me a favor. By parting ways with Jeanne. Brought me the love of my life. Including a ready-made family. A wonderful step son and a wonderful step daughter. Maybe I was closer to them. Then they were to their own biological father. Though I urged them to stay close to him. To think of it as having a bonus. Two loving fathers instead of one. Anyway. Many years later. On his deathbed. I thanked him. For unknowingly doing me a favor. When he was less than true and loyal to Jeanne. Yes. Life takes some peculiar and mysterious twists and turns. Good often springs from something that once seemed awful. One never knows what blessing is right around the corner. --Jim


Posted: Monday, November 13, 2017 1:21 PM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131

Jim, my ex husband is quite significantly older than me. When we divorced, he was nearly 80 and I just didn't have the heart to throw him out on his own to fend for himself. We live in a city where housing is tight and very expensive. We got along ok and since he wasn't working and I was, he was home all day and would watch and care for the dogs (until his memory started getting so bad and he was mostly sleeping all day long). As his dementia has progressed, it got more difficult for me to work full time (which I MUST do) and make sure he was ok. He would forget to eat or fix food or he would put it out and then walk away and I'm sure the dogs got to eat plenty tasty lunches that he had forgotten about. I couldn't monitor him effectively and as he started losing the ability to take care of himself, being a caregiver became a much bigger responsibility for me. And it was very difficult. I worked full time, 9 hour days. Half hour bus ride to work, an hour for lunch, and hour bus ride home and we're talking an 11½ hour day away from home. And he managed to get into things, or would leave the house and leave the door unlocked. I was always on edge about something bad happening or going to happen or had happened. It was an extremely stressful life for me, and not one I could have maintained for very much longer. When he got sick and ended up in the ER in the middle of the night, I had to go too to make sure the hospital had all the information they needed, and then I had to go to work the next day on 3 hours' sleep. I saw for certain that the situation was unsustainable. He might have been cared for at home --- until I dropped. He was unable to care for himself, for the house, the dogs - anything. It was too much for him and way too much for me. I did the best I could, and I still have oversight of what is happening with him, but now I can get restful sleep, and I don't have to spend all my time and energy focused on his needs and problems. Life is a LOT easier now for me and I know his health has improved because he has oversight and regular care that I could never have provided.