I suspect I am Depressed - as in life long episodic Major Depression which runs on my Mother's side of family. My Alzheimer's runs on my father's side.

Have been under regular care by psychiatrist and community mental health for 8 years (?) for PTSD and Major Depression Disorder.

Will see doctor in a week, he will recommend pills, I will take them, have no idea how I will react to them with this disease.

Doubt anyone will ask if my circumstances might be the Cause of the depression, and have my circumstances corrected.

I would like to be able to feel my way through this, feel entitled to sadness, grieving, yearning for adventures, new experiences, laughter, travel. 

 Tell myself  I am lucky in so many ways, people worse off and so on but this really is a big deal to begin to dissolve, to not realize it for years, to have thought I was crazy, boom, a diagnosis of Alzheimer's, a prescription and on my own.  

 At timesevery thing is Unreal, then there are moments when I feel "OH, it passed! I'm back!" but I am not. I am always traveling into foreign territory, I never get "home" again.

 I am mourning the life I worked for and will not enjoy. 

 Perhaps if allowed to do that with kindness and some support I will become cheerful again and be back to the birds and seedlings and my dog's beautiful face. 

 love to all 

I would be in line right behind jfkoc  - to hold you, appreciate you and whisper words of courage to your heart. 

I too stand witness to your journey.

 Cynthia

Alz, Did I read correctly, You were diagnosed in 30 minutes? 

If so, please from your library, get a copy of The Alzheimer's Action Plan.  Written by Doraiswamy and Gwyther of Duke Univ.  

The possibility of other diseases causing the symptoms need to be eliminated through a good physical, complete blood tests and one or more brain scans.  

Then a several hour long neuro-psych is administered sampling man cognitive areas of the braibn. This helps diagnose dementia and then attempt to figure out which types one has. Eighty percent of dementia is Alzheimer, but AD can be mixed with another type or it can be one of many, many different types of dementia. The type must be determined. Some the meds appropriate for some types can make other types worse. 

Mimi the last of months of visits was 30 minutes.

been art of memory neuro exams for 8 years alz research and last test was a nose dive. I think I have had this a long time, like 6 years or more.

thank you to the kind messages. I tried to up anti depressants and threw up. Seems like feelings need to come out, snow storm, can not drive, friends gone, unable to work on a book.

reading good stuff, and the fine people on these boards.

love to all.

First, the contact us deal fixed 3 problems I have had for months using the boards, it was Internet Explorer. So husband got me Firefox and everything works!

second, I forgot I wrote about depression and just found this topic and READ IT and thought "what kind people!" before knew they responded to ME.

third, have been under pressure to take antidepressant and Aricept and have been wiggy. Blood pressure high, pulse close to 100. Blamed husband. I did not take meds yesterday and felt better, none today and blood pressure down and husband the same man.

I looked up antidepressants and Alzheimer's research and see nothing approved although some people report the person they look after was more congenial when taking antidepressant.

fourth, I forgot. Off antidepressants (this was what I forgot!) I am laughing for first time in many months.

go figure. would I trade a sharper memory for feeling light ? No, not today anyway.

I just saw this thread today.  I identify with much of it.  I have been dealing with "depression" for years. 

Alz+, there is much overlap between depression and dementia.  It's hard to tell which is which.  My type of depression (psychotic depression) has cognitive impairment listed as a component, but the psychiatrist could tell me nothing about it.  His advice, "Do the best you can."

I believe that we are pioneers in this.  We know what's going on and we can verbalize.  The doctors don't know everything about us.  In many ways, they are making things up as they go along.   

I say this, because with the same symptoms, I have been diagnosed as adjustment disorder, atypical depression, major depression and psychotic depression.  They don't really know.

Iris L.

 

I battle depression or despondency everyday. Usually, if I can just get into my routine and then do something physical like mowing yard, housecleaning, working in garden, walking or tai chi, then I can push through it. Unfortunately, if I don't stay actively involved, it creeps back into my life.

So far, I'm avoiding taking any medication although my doctor always asks me about my status on depression. Hoping to hold off as long as I can.

I also read and pray a lot which seems to help also.

God Bless, Paul

MYRIAM and PAUL!

I need physical activity but moving so much slower of late...trudging walk, 1/4 time in exercise class, doing more of it sitting down.

THAT is definitely making me edgy and weepy! Love hard manual labor.

Interested in meditation - you do seem so - even tempered and logical on these forums Myriam. I admire that, aspire to that.

Orthodox prayers repeated for as long as possible change my outlook. I think I am tired of trying to be cheerful. When I heard my dad had Alz I went running to help out through to his death.

I find it really disturbing that my family avoids me, avoids talking about or asking about ow I'm doing. My children are on west coast and rarely call, I yelled today, "IS THIS NORMAL? WHAT ARE PEOPLE WAITING FOR?" over and over.

My husband has been put on antidepressant and I am ashamed this is draining him already. Frustrated. Need to chop wood, but I do know not to do it. I managed to burn my mouth using hot water to brush my teeth today. This one way ticket deal on a long train ride is still sinking in.

love and courage

I'l post here since this is relevant to this thread.  I visited the neurologist today and told him about my symptoms:  more trouble reading, more difficulty in accomplishing tasks, overall sluggishness and not doing much.  Is this possible decline or depression?  I can't tell. 

I asked him about an MAO inhibitor, a different type of antidepressant,  because I had taken one many years ago with good results.  He was reluctant because I now have hypertension, which I didn't have before.   

He prescribed Wellbutrin, which I've had before, but he said to try a higher dose.  So I have 150 mg Wellbutrin XL for 10 days, then increase to 300 mg XL.  I return to see him in 6 weeks. 

I don't have feelings of "depression".  I just don't want to do too much.  I think I could feel satisfied playing solitaire all day.  But I know I need to do more.  There's more to life than solitaire, darn it!

The doctor also gave me a prescription for the Namenda 28 mg XR which I will begin in August when the old prescription runs out.  I want to see what effect the Wellbutrin will have before increasing the Namenda dosage.

He wants me to have another PET scan which will post about in another thread.

Iris L. 

Myriam, I don't have dizziness or fatigue.  I have the opposite, insomnia.  I take Lunesta at 10, usually in bed by 11--now I'm up until 3, even with the Lunesta.

I did have severe daytime drowsiness and fatigue, finally discovered to be due to sleep apnea--resolved with CPAP.  At least, ONE medical problem is resolved!

Iris L.

Sorry you lost someone close to you... 

Thanks for saying you'll be gone for awhile - I wonder how many people count on you being on boards every day, I try to keep going like you do, your example. 

"Stressed about trip...so use lists."  

I can not even trust myself to visit my MIL tomorrow. Choosing day to stay home on my own, no driving, setting up a place to read and listen to radio, have my food set up and dog with me. 

Have a safe trip, these losses ...  we all make the same journey yet every loss is painful. 

on ALZforum.org : "Early-onset FAD is acutely tragic because the patient faces a relentless and progressive loss of brain function so prematurely, while he or she is still physically vigorous. As a result, eFAD is often accompanied by psychiatric complications such as depression and agitation." 

  http://www.alzforum.org/early-onset-familial-ad/overview/what-early-onset-familial-alzheimer-disease-efad

loads and over loads of more information discovered here.

love to you and safe journey 

Alz+, I'm SO SORRY to read all that you are being bombarded with!  You are being devastated!  It's not right! 

We are dealing with an isolating disease.  And the ironic thing is, we become isolated because other people can't handle their perception of us. 

I know I didn't deliberately want to isolate myself, but I refuse to allow myself to be mistreated or disparaged.
 

I find myself more and more relying on myself and my fellow members on these boards for support.  I've gotten more information and support right here than from professionals.  I'm not saying don't consult professionals, especially if you need medications.  But be aware that there are other, very RELIABLE and CREDIBLE resources right here among people like you. 

Relying on one's spiritual faith is another avenue of support.  I know you are a spiritual woman, Alz+.

I so much enjoy reading your posts.  I learned a lot from you.  In fact, I was in the process of composing a thread about a concept you posted about the treatment of dementia being managing the environment and having positive experiences.  Your input is valuable.

There should be some avenue of appeal for your medical care services.  I know when I was with social services, I was given a form for if I had a dispute.

I suggest you call the Helpline (1-800-272-3900) and ask to speak with a Care Consultant.  They can help you with going about an appeal and possibly locating other resources. 

I hope you continue to read the boards, even if you don't post.  I will be thinking of you and praying for you, alz+.  Don't give up hope.  There is help for you.

The important thing is, take care of yourself!  This is what we have to do, learn to take care of ourselves, because no one else will. 

Stay strong, alz+!  Come back soon!

Iris L.

 

Hang in there Alz+. Iris has some great advice and worthy of consideration. You are in a very vulnerable time right now. I hope you can stay connected to the boards at least a little. It helps to vent here and to offer helpful advice which you do so very much.

We rely on you and your posts. Stay strong! We need you.

You remain in my prayers, Paul

Dear Alz+,

This is just terrible! I am so very sorry. Sending you big cyber hugs along with my prayers. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know that I care deeply.

Blessings, Forget-me-not

It may be when we no longer know what to do,

                   we have come to our real work,

and when we no longer know which way to go,

                   we have begun our real journey.

                                                                      Wendell Berry

I hope your absence will be very short if at all.....you have been such a help to those of us who are caring for a loved one!!!!!

Many arms are wrapped around you...hope you can feel them.

Alz+

I too value your opinions and insight.  Please take your time if you need to, but return when you are ready.  Please know that we will be waiting to speak with you again. 

jtymer

Thank you all for your kind words. 

Alz+, after a lot of analysis I figured out that this latest depression is due to effects of my overseas trip to the Holy Lands on the systemic lupus.  I realize now I must make a major accommodation in my life.  "Accommodate your illness" was my first lupus advice.  You must learn what you need to do to accommodate your illness.  Then accept that YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED.  Nothing stays the same. 

You have a remarkable spirit.  You can get through this.  

Don't allow yourself to get bogged down in things that don't matter. 

I'm sorry about the RV and all your dreams.  You will make new dreams.

Iris L. 

Iris, how is it some one of you insight and tenderness is without help? 

If some one like you is suffering through this journey, what can some problem person like me expect? 

Alz+, if fear of being put away is at the core of your distress, you must deal with this.  No one can put you away unless you are violent or doing dangerous things.  And then, that would only be for a short time without a court order.  You can speak for yourself and you know what's going on.  You have rights that can't be taken away.

Please discuss this with your doctor.  Ask about your medication.  Medications do help in some cases.

At the same time, you must do what you can to protect yourself.  You must draw on ALL the healing and self-care techniques you know!  This is most vital!

You have always expressed a need for quiet.  Find a quiet place in your home and seek solace there.  There have been times when I have stayed in bed for days.  Of course, I arose to eat and to take care of hygienic needs.  I  looked at my bed as my healing place.  There were times that I had no television, no radio, no books--only silence and my thoughts. 

After a while I was able to get back into activity.  I chose small tidbits of treating myself well.  I ate the foods I loved--what others call comfort foods.  Lots of cereal, toast with butter and jam, hot cocoa and muffins.  I listened to music.  I watched classic tv--many in black & white.  It was important for me to laugh!

Years before I had read about Norman Cousins and how he treated himself for a degenerative disease with humor.  Humor heals! 

I placed myself in an oasis of healing.  I set up a barrier to anything that inhibited healing.  Can  you think about this? 

I'm very concerned about you running away.  You have posted many times about running to the woods by yourself, or with your dog. This doesn't sound safe for you to me.  Can you find a quiet place in your home?  Even if the RV has been damaged, can you still use it to get away?  If you cannot find peace and quiet in your home, having another place to go might help you. 

Please work with the others.  Allow them to help you.  I've worked with many mental health professionals.  Most didn't know too much to help me.  You must find someone to help you.  Remember, the medications can help if you are in great distress.

Please post back after your appointment and let us know what's happening.  Things can get better for you.

Iris L.

Alz+, I am very concerned on your behalf.  I so hope you take my writing in the way it is intended, by a person who cares and who is, as said, concerned for you.   I am truly sorry for the difficulties you are facing at this time and am sorry for the pain, fear and upset this is causing you; but there is help to be had if you will let it in.

I will not fib to you and I may be incorrect in my viewpoint which is based on your writings, but I am here because I care.

You are in the midst of what appears to be a horrible situation and it is quite possible that Alzheimer's Disease is not the primary driver of what you are experiencing right now.   This is important.

It may well be that the situation is being overrun by recurring bipolar and/or other mental health dynamics and those are the overriding issues that need tending to be able to help you.  You have mentioned being treated for psychiatric illness before and I recall there was more than one mental health condition that you have been living with.

In such a situation, when things are going out of control, it is not unusual that the person may not have a good amount of insight as the disease may mask that from them.  Also, if one tends to self medicate which sometimes makes one feel more relaxed internally, it also may wreak havoc on the actual disease process and cause the recurrence or progression of the disease symptoms. 

You have shared much about your past and you have striven mightily to try and manage all, but sometimes we do have to let ourselves permit professional help get to the right kind of care.  It is often normal behavior to resist this, but it can be at our own peril. 

Calling the primary problem by a different name does not change the reality of things and may even cause a worse outcome.  In other words, what you are experiencing may well not be the Alzheimer's Disease causing the problem issues; rather, it may well be the bipolar disease and/or other mental health issue with some AD impact or a combination of all causing the symptoms you are now feeling.  The actual primary problem must be addressed to be able to return to a level area of function and a decent quality of life.

I can hear the significant difference in your writing in your communications and can only imagine how upsetting this entire situation must be for you and what the world looks like and feels like for you right now.  I am so sorry and wish it were not so, the discomfort and pain must be quite raw.  I sincerely wish better for you.

It is in this light, that I sincerely hope that you will permit the care intervention that your condition requires and that it will bring reasonable peace back into your life. 

Though this may seem like an unpleasant post at this point in time, it is written with the very best of intentions and also with caring concern.

With two soft hugs coming your way; one to use now and the other to put in your pocket to take out when you really, really need one.

Johanna

Johanna and Iris and others - 

My case worker got me a special visit with psychiatrist, who has worked with me over 7 years. 

Husband is learning, evolving and me too, trying to work together again. I moan how my family cut me off, the grief of that, but my daughter has been helping every day now from afar, and my son is now coming in August to check over the house and talk with us about helping somehow. So the breakdown did result in people understanding just how difficult our life is.
 

I could not believe I would get smacked down with depression and Alzheimer's. In some ways because my husband finds me interesting that he stands by while I go through my surges, fortunate that I have anyone at all. What I called his indifference was as much shock and fear, helplessness, but NOT leaving is his promise to me.

Doctor reminded us yesterday to "work together towards a common good", we are such imperfect people, still lots of crying going on but no yelling now. 

The insights from you who post, the concern and the time you spend writing about what you think might be going on, how accurate you are, how hopeful, accepting - can not type for tears, appreciate it all so much. 

I would not be worried about having spoken too freely, you are amongst people who care.  You are taking positive steps and moving forward as best can.  That is truly a huge, positive step.  I am glad to hear that you and your husband are trying to find better ways to make this all work.  Good for you.

Bipolar Disease is not child's play and keeping a good balance is an ongoing challenge for many.  Sometimes the rages are caused by something called, "agitated depression," and it can be pretty dramatic.  Such an innocent sounding title for something that can be so profound.   It must be terrible to find oneself feeling all of that. 

Mania is challenging for the person with BPD and sometimes moreso for their nearby Loved Ones.  Often, the person with BPD does not recognize the mania as a negative because there is so much energy and sometimes that feels very positive, even if it is on the negative side of the ledger for those around them.  It may be that your ability to go 20 minutes on your exercise machine rather than the usual few minutes was fueled by the mania.

NOTE:  The following is NOT intended to be an argument or lengthy discussion re the use of marijuana (cannabis) with anyone, it is simply here for honest consideration for a person who has had some significant problem issues and is striving mightily as best can to overcome them.

Please let us know how the new med is working and take care!!!

AND do at least tell the Dr re our use of cannabis

Alz+, I have posted some choice posts in the five years I have been a member.  I've gone through some trials and expressed my own struggles with people in my life.  This is life.  This is what is happening to us.  Where else can we express ourselves among people like us?

Keep posting what's on your mind.  Yes, it will help someone else, and it will also help you to re-read what you have posted.  You will learn more about yourself.  I know I have learned more about myself over my own posts.   I don't know where I would be without this arena of expression and the feedback from the members.

Johanna brings up good points.  Johanna knows more about what we are dealing with than many, if not most, professionals in the outside world.  Ponder what she says, and possibly bring up these thoughts with your professionals.  I too am concerned about the cannibis useage.  We who have sensitive neurologic systems need to be very careful about what impacts us.  Primarily because we don't have a lot of RESERVE and BOUNCE-BACK.  What might have not affected us too much in earlier days, now might have a different effect.

I know I need a much simplified life.  I can't handle too much stimulation, even positive stimulation.  I can't tolerate being overwhelmed.  I need to be aware of my own boundaries, because other people just don't acknowledge my boundaries or refuse to abide by my boundaries.   

Notice I don't use the term "limits" because I don't think of them as limits.  Everyone has boundaries within which they function.  My boundaries are different than what they were years ago.  So what!  That's life.  And these boundaries may very well change in the coming years.

I had a discussion just today with a friend about depression.  What I have learned about myself is that as a person who is has a sensitivity toward depression, I need to take deliberate steps to counteract and prevent if possible depressogenic situations.  There's more to it, but I have to take steps to keep on an even path.  Staying even is more important than allowing a roller-coaster life!  This is so important I'll say it again.

STAYING EVEN IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALLOWING A ROLLER-COASTER LIFE! 

I don't like the downs in my life.  I don't get manic, so I don't have that to deal with.  But I don't like the downs, and if I can avoid them, I will.  In the past seven years since I have noticed major changes in my functioning, I have been struggling with depression.  Little bit by little bit I have learned about what works and what doesn't work, for me.  You must do the same. 

The ironic thing is, I am just re-discovering solutions that I had discovered in the past, but forgotten, due to my memory loss!  I said "Eureka!"  Then I said to myself, "I think I've said 'Eureka!' before."   Absolutely NONE of the professionals I consulted (pschiatrist, psychologists, social workers) has any useful input in advising about dealing with depression.  In your case they need to deal with mania and PTSD.

In my case I discovered on my own that I was more affected by generalized anxiety than I was by depression.  What treated depression, stimulated the anxiety and made me worse.  No one recognized that but me, but only after many years and by reading back over my journals.

I searched the interned for treatment for anxiety and OCD--obsessive-compulsive disorder.  I treated myself with exposure technique.  I don't know if this is easily possible as a self treatment, but it worked for me.  I know longer feel that PALL of Anxiety that was sufficating the life out of me for over twenty years.  All of this happened in April, 2014, just two months ago.  I finally feel FREE!  It may not be gone permanently, but I know how to keep it under bay now, thanks to the MEMBERS on thes message boards and former members in the archives, and what I have read on the internet and old videos that I copied. 

Right now I'm taking a five day, one week digital camera class.  I bought my expensive camera in 2007, which was the highest performing in its class.  That was the worst time in my cognitive impairment. I had no idea how to operate this new digital camera, but I wanted to join the modern world.  I was satisfied with film cameras but they were passing me by.  I didn't want to be passed by.

I got the camera home, and had to return to Best Buy several times to get the camera to work.  I learned to take simple pictures.  I went on my overseas trip with a simple camera.  The first thing I learned is that my camera has a telephoto feature, so that I could have been taking nice photos of people in the distance.  The ministers and other worship leaders of the tour stood   in tront of the goup.  Photos I took of him and them showed them as tiny people.  I did't know about the Zoom!  I'm learning Zoom and more!  In all these seven years I could have been having great time with this formerly high-level camera.  Now cameras are even more sophisticated.  I could have been enjoying myself evey day. 

BUt one thing I know, is that this period was during the period when I was struggling with understanding cognitive impairment nos.  I was not able to compreheld the manual, nor the CD with necessary softward.  I discovered today, June 25, 2014, that this seven year old camera is no longer supported my Kodak.  I discovered a major problem with Kodax and downloading that might have not occurred if I had downloaded the software in 2007, when I bought the camera.

But this is life.  I'm upset about the camera, with has been discontinued and is considered obsolete by Kodak.  I may have to buy a new camera.  But I don't beat myself up about it, because I was very ill and poorly-functional at the time.  We have to live with the cards we are dealt.  Time moves on.  I have to be spiritual and philosophical about this.

I'd rather have a functioning MIND than a camera!  I can always get another camera. 

The neurologist patient told me Alzheimer's patients can't learn anything.  Although I wasn't diagnosed as a patient with Alzheimer's disease.  I developed a great fear that I couldn't learn the simplest, things, such as how to use this camera!  Thanks be to God, after seven years of Best Practices, I am LEARNING  

TO USE this camera! 

The camera is a metaphor of my life.  Something so simple stumped me for a while, but I am handling it again.  Yea for me! 

We should all say Yea! for ourselves.  We're doing great.  Every step  of healing is a step in the right direction. Notice I didn't say cure.  There may not be a cure, but we can be healed.

Alz+, I know you pray.  Pray for healing.  I am praying for you, too.  Healing and Peace. 

The other thing you can do is recite the Serenity Prayer.  Daily, and as often as you necessary. 

From :  http://alcoholism.about.com/library/origin.htm 

        Early in 1942, writes Bill W., in A.A. Comes of Age, a New York member, Jack, brought to everyone's attention a caption in a routine New York Herald Tribune obituary that read:

 "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

Oh thank you all again and again. 

On Zoloft, lowest possible dose, seems to have helped crying.

 I realize some people are too unstable, too young, or mix it with alcohol or street drugs. Maybe wrong setting, wrong intention who knows.
 

In this legal state, if I were to explain to any doctor  the reason I sound so much more normal and am not walking like a sailor with glue on my shoes is that I am juicing cannabis I would be dropped. The fear of marijuana is deeply ingrained.  

Sad for me to know all the caregivers having to choose between one toxic drug or another when a small edible would give their person sleep. 

So once again thank you to all you smart people, you loving people, you understanding sisters and brothers. I am using the technique from counselor to focus on body reactions to stress and forget the why and who and what and just soothe the body reaction. 

love and courage and gratitude for all your thoughtful responses.