RSS Feed Print
My therapeutic musings
llee08032
Posted: Wednesday, November 12, 2014 6:22 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I stare off   

  into peace and calm 

tranquility... 

I float 

weightless    

thoughts drifting 

 I want to stay here 

resist being called back 

I am warm and safe 

letting go...

 I am uplifted  

turned a beautiful monarch 

soaring a mountain 

clouds of numbness 

 softly shrouding me 

 I am sleeping while awake 

dreaming...

 I let go 

 I give up 

 I surrender 

to my traveling mind 

my visits to the light 

  effortless 

 
 

   

   in progress

   

  

 

 


llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, November 18, 2014 11:11 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Bone weary

 

aching tired

 

  of good talk

 

the febrile ear is leary

 

what is fact?

 

fiction?

 

where's the proof?

 

analysis...

 

the drawn depiction?

 

the argument for the contradiction?

 

the theory of the juxtaposition?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


llee08032
Posted: Monday, December 1, 2014 8:24 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


 

 

cringing,

 

burning inside

 

 over and over

 

having to explain!

  

must you see it

 

to believe it?

 

this ravaging disease of the brain

 

a hijacking of a mind

 

get angry at the disease 

 

we're told

 

relentless  

 

your questions, queries

 

 the stares of disbelief

 

the I forget too's


 do you take me a thief?

 

oh you look so normal

 

we turn and turn 

 

 the anger outward

 

 angry at systems that put us on hold

 

angry at those who are angry at us

 

telling us all will be right


if we do what we're told

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

in progress


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, January 1, 2015 12:47 PM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I smell the stench 


 

of your'e fear 


 

I'm closing in... 


 

closing in on your'e lies 


 

you know 


 

you feel 


 

I'm going to catch you 


 

catch you 


 

by your feet 


 

like a thief in the night 


 

ruthless... 


 

you lie 


 

you steal 


 

cut others down 


 

praise God in the same breath 


 

you lie across the altar 


 

wailing & begging  


 

the heavens to forgive you 


 

you know I see through you... 


 

you feel my truth hovering 


 

above your head 


 

around the bed of lies 


 

in which you lay 


 

 you foul the air  


 

 with your greed 


 

your envy


 hate 


 

I'm closing in... 


 

 slithering like a snake 

 bird beaked nosed 


 &

 beady eye's darting... 


 

you line your pockets with the silver 


 

of the poor 


 

the disabled 


 

  the weak 


 

the sick 


 

you've fooled only the fools 


 

I'm closing in... 


 

my faith and justice unshakable 


 

my light will blind you 


 

expose you 


 

for the dim nothingness 


 

you are 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, January 3, 2015 11:26 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Knee Deep in Sh-- t

 

I've come undone

want to hide

crouch in a field

roam

let my spirit run

 grey shadows

cast and cover the eyes

the sun un-spun

hovering

 turned a dark corner   

a world without skies 

  light...

a mere distance away

 seems a mountain

un-climbed

fight or flight

love

unrequited

a song

unsung

stillness...

silence

a bell un-rung

darkness

words  

unsaid...

unspoken

waiting...

to be held up

 unbroken 

led

back to warmth

pulled over a mountain

unbraced with a song

taking me, lifting me

 waiting so long...


 

 

 

in progress



 

 


 




llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, January 27, 2015 6:05 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Into the 4th mile

lungs seizing

pain pounding

reverberating...

my golden dog in perfect step at my side

the second wind comes

blows through my hair

we run a blur around the park

connecting to the cemetery

greeting

stones with names

with persons attached







llee08032
Posted: Saturday, February 7, 2015 8:01 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Miz Nasty and Her Bitter Pills



llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, February 10, 2015 7:38 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Oh my lovely off spring
the beauty of the voice doth ring
doth sing
a hybrid of familial loveliness
eye's bright and beguiling
sunshiny smiling
you wear us all so well
our story, your's to tell






In progress

llee08032
Posted: Saturday, February 14, 2015 12:42 PM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Unsure
insecure
never good enough
wobbly
tilted and crooked
cracked
hacked
spaded and jaded




llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, June 16, 2015 6:37 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I am sliding down and down a slippery slope

I must move up

Garner courage

Latch on to Hope…

Not let others

Nor the mud

Push me down, down the slope

I must be strong

I must move up

Learn how to cope


llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, June 16, 2015 7:35 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


 

The Vessels are NOT Empty

The vessels pass through the night

Washed in moonlight

Summoned by dusk

The vessels wander near the shores

Rock on the waves

Dogwatch in synchronization

Captains stand on the quarterdeck

Safeguarding the precious cargo

The vessels stowage full

brimming over...

with what some cannot see-

hear, feel or smell

The vessels wander near the shores

Rock on the waves

Breathe in the ocean



 

In progress


Mimi S.
Posted: Tuesday, June 16, 2015 8:49 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7027



Paul Hornback
Posted: Tuesday, June 16, 2015 1:11 PM
Joined: 8/9/2013
Posts: 584


llee, love the reference to vessels. Sometimes I feel like a ship lost at sea but then I see someone else who is literally in the same boat I am in. We connect and I don't feel so lonely.

Thanks for the reminder in your work in progress musing!

God bless, Paul


alz+
Posted: Tuesday, June 16, 2015 7:16 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


I know that slide down. Fortunately I forget the dregs more easily now.

Really good to find you writing on board today!


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, September 5, 2015 11:33 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Overdoses , jumps, ropes and fires

 she took some pills 
  falling asleep in the fire

she remembered the pills before

 jumping from the window

falling in the snow

the rope in the basement

how carefully she constructed

and tied the rope on the rafters 

 

they brought her into the room

She sat in the row behind him

 

his head wrapped in bandage

   he spoke of putting the gun in his mouth

   the bullet exiting behind his ear


  
she felt the pain

  the heat flash of the bullet searing through him

 

the heat flash of the bullet searing through him

   was not the pain of which he spoke...


 feeling the pain

  she latched every word

  stared at the blood flecking his bandage

  felt a presence  in the room

 

  a presence other then those in her pew 

she was shook
 overcome
   

 

she did not understand the room

 

why she was there?

 

but felt the presence outside her

 

heard the presence

 

clear as bell...

 

reverberating through her mind

 

 

she could not speak
words heavy and thick on her tongue

 

 she knew...
there were no more words

  that he had said it all

 that what he felt 
 she saw
the choice of life and death...

 

was not her own to make
was not his to make

 


 

 

 


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, September 26, 2015 10:19 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


The little girl in the new winter coat


 The pain  pushes up the sternum

  sticking in her throat

she walks to school in her new winter coat

 heat flashes from her mouth
sparks flying from her pen

 

her father beating her mother

 

a shivering child

 

helpless in a shroud of terror

 

tables and walls

 

divide her

 

hide her

 

but the cries still rip her in half

 

her mother days later, beats her in return 

 

little legs and brain latch and hook onto the burden of fault 

 

bearing down on her little shoulders 

 

 mother scrubs floors to put food on the table 

 

the father fights with his boss and quits his job 

 

smells of drink  

 

comes through the door with bloody knuckles 

 

she goes door to door selling heavy wool rugs in return for a winter coat 

 

she walks and walks 
little arms aching from the weight of the world-
the weight of the rugs

 

knocks and knocks 

 

it makes them happy 

 

she sold her bike to put food on the table 

 

they tell her she is good 

 

she makes them happy 
helps them to pretend they are happy

 

she walks to school in her new winter coat

the pain sticking in her throat

 







w/e
Posted: Saturday, September 26, 2015 11:53 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1747


Continue posting your musings, Ilee. Your writing is inspiring.

My immortal beloved found musings to be his oasis. A source of tranquility and soothing comfort to what he called his "blue brain."
I have found musings to be a source for nourishment. It provides food and water to this widow's mind, heart, and soul.

Love ya.

llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, July 4, 2017 10:44 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I thought i deleted all this stuff. I think I was depressed angry and in pain.
BlueSkies
Posted: Wednesday, July 5, 2017 10:30 AM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096


So glad you did not delete these wonderful writings llee.  You have such a fantastic talent at putting feelings in words.  I loved all your writings, but I did find three favorites.  My most favorite is, "The Dancing Angel", then "Death's Repose" and of course "The Sting". 

Looking forward to more treats from you...


llee08032
Posted: Wednesday, July 5, 2017 10:57 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Thank you Blue. Putting all this out there can make one feel vulnerable but writing is such a healing exp. When I was widowed in my 30's I felt others around me could not stand to hear out loud what I really felt and so my healing began when I started writing. 

Here's to letting the pain flow out so that the joy can seep in!


grandmalynda
Posted: Wednesday, July 5, 2017 8:08 PM
Joined: 12/3/2016
Posts: 374


Thank you for sharing your private thoughts with us llee.  I understand the feeling of vulnerability but do know that many of your thoughts and feelings are the same for many of us.  Your ability to share so beautifully benefits us all.

--Lynda


llee08032
Posted: Friday, July 7, 2017 6:17 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Thank you, for your words of encouragement Lynda.
llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, July 18, 2017 8:20 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


The empty shell-

surrounded by shards of broken shells strewn across the beach

she mapped a path between the sharpness of the tiny shards-

that lay just beyond her reach

the roar of the ocean swelling in her ear 

 the empty figures of speech

 

 

 

 

 

 


llee08032
Posted: Sunday, August 13, 2017 9:21 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


The mask

tomorrow i'll find my clothes faster 

pay attention to time slipping by

hold it together

hold my head high

  outside pasted together

breaking inside

they won't know I barely arrived

 put my best foot forward

and give a smile

 hurry away

the mask, last just a little while

melting the end of the day

empty and tired

yes of course, I'm okay

I didn't get fired

tomorrow i'll find my clothes faster 

pay attention to time slipping by

hold it together

hold my head high

the day after I'll lay my clothes out

I won't ask questions

a matched outfit i'll tout

i'll smile

i'll not anger and shout

i'll get there on time

 my mask inside out

 

 


lisabramey
Posted: Sunday, August 13, 2017 10:00 AM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 96


Dear llee,

This one resonates with me. Your ability to express this experience is awe inspiring. Thanks for sharing and for giving me the words that elude me in describing my own experiences.

Lisa


llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, August 15, 2017 7:56 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


Thank you (((((((Lisa)))))))
llee08032
Posted: Friday, September 1, 2017 8:52 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I Shall Remember the Love

I see my life in front of me

rewind to the past

lessons learned

 hard

  strength abounds from scars

wounds healed and closed

life in front of me is little

and big

a mangle of...

immense value

nonetheless...

the stopwatch ticking

 as I embark on a mission

 of joy finding ?

searching for meaning

wearing my soul on my sleeve

my minds eye

draws the face's of my beloveds

imprints them on my heart

if all fades away

least I forget thy name

I shall remember the love...

 the meaning of life

 for why and for whom I was born

that I was meant to love you

I shall let your eye's speak love to me

warm at your touch

 my love,  remember the love

 






llee08032
Posted: Saturday, September 2, 2017 9:22 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


The world quiets after the storm

a flood of emotions

linger in silence...

hurt strewn about

 justified by the ruins

minimized by the leakers

the dumpers...

leaving and running

dumping and leaking their loads

the world quiets after the scorn

 wept, wet and silent





 


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, September 2, 2017 9:52 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


The big bruised ego

screeching outward 

measuring pain

blaspheming the outcries 

wanting power 

wanting to rein

tallying the score

 vessels engorged

ergo the stroking

it's back for more

the big bruised ego

knows no bounds

slurping up the shore






 

 


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, October 5, 2017 7:10 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


I shouldn't of answered the phone

I hung up and my heart broke 

I couldn't stop it from happening

My heart broken in two-

a two minute phone call

two minutes to alter a course in life

Too change things forever

I am done being who I was yesterday

it was too late for anyone to be calling

I shouldn't of the answered the phone