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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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I stare off
into peace and calm
tranquility...
I float
weightless
thoughts drifting
I want to stay here
resist being called back
I am warm and safe
letting go...
I am uplifted
turned a beautiful monarch
soaring a mountain
clouds of numbness
softly shrouding me
I am sleeping while awake
dreaming...
I let go
I give up
I surrender
to my traveling mind
my visits to the light
effortless
in progress
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Bone weary
aching tired
of good talk
the febrile ear is leary
what is fact?
fiction?
where's the proof?
analysis...
the drawn depiction?
the argument for the contradiction?
the theory of the juxtaposition?
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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cringing,
burning inside
over and over
having to explain!
must you see it
to believe it?
this ravaging disease of the brain
a hijacking of a mind
get angry at the disease
we're told
relentless
your questions, queries
the stares of disbelief
the I forget too's
do you take me a thief?
oh you look so normal
we turn and turn
the anger outward
angry at systems that put us on hold
angry at those who are angry at us
telling us all will be right
if we do what we're told
in progress
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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I smell the stench
of your'e fear
I'm closing in...
closing in on your'e lies
you know
you feel
I'm going to catch you
catch you
by your feet
like a thief in the night
ruthless...
you lie
you steal
cut others down
praise God in the same breath
you lie across the altar
wailing & begging
the heavens to forgive you
you know I see through you...
you feel my truth hovering
above your head
around the bed of lies
in which you lay
you foul the air
with your greed
your envy
hate
I'm closing in...
slithering like a snake
bird beaked nosed
&
beady eye's darting...
you line your pockets with the silver
of the poor
the disabled
the weak
the sick
you've fooled only the fools
I'm closing in...
my faith and justice unshakable
my light will blind you
expose you
for the dim nothingness
you are
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Knee Deep in Sh-- t
I've come undone
want to hide
crouch in a field
roam
let my spirit run
grey shadows
cast and cover the eyes
the sun un-spun
hovering
turned a dark corner
a world without skies
light...
a mere distance away
seems a mountain
un-climbed
fight or flight
love
unrequited
a song
unsung
stillness...
silence
a bell un-rung
darkness
words
unsaid...
unspoken
waiting...
to be held up
unbroken
led
back to warmth
pulled over a mountain
unbraced with a song
taking me, lifting me
waiting so long...
in progress
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Into the 4th mile
lungs seizing
pain pounding
reverberating...
my golden dog in perfect step at my side
the second wind comes
blows through my hair
we run a blur around the park
connecting to the cemetery
greeting
stones with names
with persons attached
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Miz Nasty and Her Bitter Pills
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Oh my lovely off spring the beauty of the voice doth ring doth sing a hybrid of familial loveliness eye's bright and beguiling sunshiny smiling you wear us all so well our story, your's to tell
In progress
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Unsure insecure never good enough wobbly tilted and crooked cracked hacked spaded and jaded
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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I am sliding down and down a slippery slope
I must move up
Garner courage
Latch on to Hope…
Not let others
Nor the mud
Push me down, down the slope
I must be strong
I must move up
Learn how to cope
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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The Vessels are NOT Empty
The vessels pass through the night
Washed in moonlight
Summoned by dusk
The vessels wander near the shores
Rock on the waves
Dogwatch in synchronization
Captains stand on the quarterdeck
Safeguarding the precious cargo
The vessels stowage full
brimming over...
with what some cannot see-
hear, feel or smell
The vessels wander near the shores
Rock on the waves
Breathe in the ocean
In progress
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Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7027
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Joined: 8/9/2013
Posts: 584
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llee, love the reference to vessels. Sometimes I feel like a ship lost at sea but then I see someone else who is literally in the same boat I am in. We connect and I don't feel so lonely. Thanks for the reminder in your work in progress musing! God bless, Paul
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Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608
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I know that slide down. Fortunately I forget the dregs more easily now. Really good to find you writing on board today!
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Overdoses , jumps, ropes and fires
she took some pills
falling asleep in the fire
she remembered the pills before
jumping from the window
falling in the snow
the rope in the basement
how carefully she constructed
and tied the rope on the rafters
they brought her into the room
She sat in the row behind him
his head wrapped in bandage
he spoke of putting the gun in his mouth
the bullet exiting behind his ear
she felt the pain
the heat flash of the bullet searing through him
the heat flash of the bullet searing through him
was not the pain of which he spoke...
feeling the pain
she latched every word
stared at the blood flecking his bandage
felt a presence in the room
a presence other then those in her pew
she was shook
overcome
she did not understand the room
why she was there?
but felt the presence outside her
heard the presence
clear as bell...
reverberating through her mind
she could not speak
words heavy and thick on her tongue
she knew...
there were no more words
that he had said it all
that what he felt
she saw
the choice of life and death...
was not her own to make
was not his to make
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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The little girl in the new winter coat
The pain pushes up the sternum
sticking in her throat
she walks to school in her new winter coat
heat flashes from her mouth
sparks flying from her pen
her father beating her mother
a shivering child
helpless in a shroud of terror
tables and walls
divide her
hide her
but the cries still rip her in half
her mother days later, beats her in return
little legs and brain latch and hook onto the burden of fault
bearing down on her little shoulders
mother scrubs floors to put food on the table
the father fights with his boss and quits his job
smells of drink
comes through the door with bloody knuckles
she goes door to door selling heavy wool rugs in return for a winter coat
she walks and walks
little arms aching from the weight of the world-
the weight of the rugs
knocks and knocks
it makes them happy
she sold her bike to put food on the table
they tell her she is good
she makes them happy
helps them to pretend they are happy
she walks to school in her new winter coat
the pain sticking in her throat
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Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 1747
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Continue posting your musings, Ilee. Your writing is inspiring.
My immortal beloved found musings to be his oasis. A source of tranquility and soothing comfort to what he called his "blue brain."
I have found musings to be a source for nourishment. It provides food and water to this widow's mind, heart, and soul.
Love ya.
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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I thought i deleted all this stuff. I think I was depressed angry and in pain.
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Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 1096
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So glad you did not delete these wonderful writings llee. You have such a fantastic talent at putting feelings in words. I loved all your writings, but I did find three favorites. My most favorite is, "The Dancing Angel", then "Death's Repose" and of course "The Sting".
Looking forward to more treats from you...
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Thank you Blue. Putting all this out there can make one feel vulnerable but writing is such a healing exp. When I was widowed in my 30's I felt others around me could not stand to hear out loud what I really felt and so my healing began when I started writing.
Here's to letting the pain flow out so that the joy can seep in!
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Joined: 12/3/2016
Posts: 374
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Thank you for sharing your private thoughts with us llee. I understand the feeling of vulnerability but do know that many of your thoughts and feelings are the same for many of us. Your ability to share so beautifully benefits us all.
--Lynda
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Thank you, for your words of encouragement Lynda.
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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The empty shell-
surrounded by shards of broken shells strewn across the beach
she mapped a path between the sharpness of the tiny shards-
that lay just beyond her reach
the roar of the ocean swelling in her ear
the empty figures of speech
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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The mask
tomorrow i'll find my clothes faster
pay attention to time slipping by
hold it together
hold my head high
outside pasted together
breaking inside
they won't know I barely arrived
put my best foot forward
and give a smile
hurry away
the mask, last just a little while
melting the end of the day
empty and tired
yes of course, I'm okay
I didn't get fired
tomorrow i'll find my clothes faster
pay attention to time slipping by
hold it together
hold my head high
the day after I'll lay my clothes out
I won't ask questions
a matched outfit i'll tout
i'll smile
i'll not anger and shout
i'll get there on time
my mask inside out
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Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 96
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Dear llee,
This one resonates with me. Your ability to express this experience is awe inspiring. Thanks for sharing and for giving me the words that elude me in describing my own experiences.
Lisa
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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Thank you (((((((Lisa)))))))
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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I Shall Remember the Love
I see my life in front of me
rewind to the past
lessons learned
hard
strength abounds from scars
wounds healed and closed
life in front of me is little
and big
a mangle of...
immense value
nonetheless...
the stopwatch ticking
as I embark on a mission
of joy finding ?
searching for meaning
wearing my soul on my sleeve
my minds eye
draws the face's of my beloveds
imprints them on my heart
if all fades away
least I forget thy name
I shall remember the love...
the meaning of life
for why and for whom I was born
that I was meant to love you
I shall let your eye's speak love to me
warm at your touch
my love, remember the love
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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The world quiets after the storm
a flood of emotions
linger in silence...
hurt strewn about
justified by the ruins
minimized by the leakers
the dumpers...
leaving and running
dumping and leaking their loads
the world quiets after the scorn
wept, wet and silent
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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The big bruised ego
screeching outward
measuring pain
blaspheming the outcries
wanting power
wanting to rein
tallying the score
vessels engorged
ergo the stroking
it's back for more
the big bruised ego
knows no bounds
slurping up the shore
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Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408
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I shouldn't of answered the phone
I hung up and my heart broke
I couldn't stop it from happening
My heart broken in two-
a two minute phone call
two minutes to alter a course in life
Too change things forever
I am done being who I was yesterday
it was too late for anyone to be calling
I shouldn't of the answered the phone
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