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annie789
Posted: Thursday, September 28, 2017 6:56 PM
Joined: 11/19/2015
Posts: 1004


Why do I let people let me feel guilty? I realize they do not know what they say can affect me and make me feel that I am not doing all I can for my DH.

I try to forget what they say but then the doubts come - does he really enjoy all our little trips; does he like the food I prepare for him; is it healthy; and on and on.

So I talk to God and give it to him.  I know deep down in my heart that I will do all that I can to help and care for my sweetheart.


ladyzetta
Posted: Thursday, September 28, 2017 10:20 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1308


Dear Annie,

I am sorry you are feeling this way, all of us I am sure at times deal with guilt. Don't allow yourself to let guilt get to you, all of us caring for our LOs know how hard the caregiving can become. I am sure no one is questioning the care you are giving your sweetheart. Guilt is a hard thing to deal with. When I had to place my DH in a MC facility I felt so bad and really had a hard time dealing with guilt. I finally realized I did noting wrong and I did my best. I am sure you are doing your best.

Maybe the next time someone says something tell them how you feel about what they said. I think you will find they did not mean it as you took it. You need to be strong and take care of yourself and be strong for your sweetheart. Hugs Zetta  


eaglemom
Posted: Friday, September 29, 2017 7:52 AM
Joined: 3/7/2012
Posts: 2663


Words can hurt so badly. Add in as a caregiver your level of exhaustion and its a double blow to your gut. So many of us have experienced it. 

I often wonder why people are so quick to add their 'two cents' worth of advice when in reality they are clueless as to what you do day in & day out. It is difficult to say nothing and not be hurt.

The bottom line is it doesn't matter what others think. If you are doing your best then that is all you need. Some people speak from ignorance, some from fear & other just feel they know more than you do. You know your doing your best - and that's the bottom line.

eagle


annie789
Posted: Friday, September 29, 2017 2:26 PM
Joined: 11/19/2015
Posts: 1004


I thank you for your words.  I do know that many times people just talk out of ignorance and don't realize how their words affect others.  I know I have been guilty of that often too. 

Thinking that in all situations of life we need to remember to watch our words and make sure they are uplifting and helpful.  


dutiful deb
Posted: Saturday, September 30, 2017 12:08 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1893


I'm so sorry Annie.

I let people make me feel guilty too. Mostly, though, I make myself feel guilty without anyone's help, and I let my husband make me feel guilty.

My husband has some short term memory problems. He was recently diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and is in a state of chronic discomfort. He is disorganized and has problems making decisions. He is also a micro-manager who wants to "fix" things, and since he can't do that, he delegates the responsibility to me, although he does not realize he is doing it. I have been down a long path of calls and conversations with his doctors and other medcial staff. I have even talked to my own doctors and have gotten counseling for myself. I have taken steps to change our eating habits, and made other changes to our lifestyle. All of this has been helpful but has not done anything to prompt my husband to seek help, because he does not know or understand that he needs help. 

After a string of good days--those really great days where everything is so wonderful that you wonder if you're imagining things and there is actually nothing wrong at all--we have hit a low spot again. And, as always, I realize that there is a problem and I'm just stuck. Tonight my husband asked me if I "had a minute" to "look at something" for him on the computer.  When he showed me something we've looked at every night for a week, with a different variation of the same thing, I told myself to just "put up and shut up". But no, I said, "Didn't we look at this already?" Oops. Wrong thing to say. Suddenly I was "always making rude remarks" and "I never understand what he's telling me." 

I love my husband. We have had thirty years together, with all the ups and downs that go along with that length of time. Our two children are out on their own and we have been at the same workplaces for so many years that our seniority status allows us to take time off that we could not do in the past. We are supposed to be doing things together, enjoying this time, and mostly, we are. It all just takes more organization, planning, patience, on my part along with a lot of biting my tongue. 

The times we aren't enjoying our time together all happen because one or both of us say words that we shouldn't have. 

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. What your heart is telling you is right. Giving it all to God is the best thing we can do. As the scripture says, we are casting all our care upon him, for he cares for us. I love the King James version, as it says "casting" because it gives me an image of not just handing it over, but literally throwing a problem with all my might. My problem is that I think of it more like the act of casting when you fish, and I start reeling things back again!

Blessings to you and all of us on this rocky road.


chrisp1653
Posted: Saturday, September 30, 2017 2:25 AM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 1281


Annie and Deb, I see that you both have learned my secrets for applying self guilt. It's so easy to do, and maybe that's part of the reason it happens so often to me. That, plus my short patience level, and my over active mouth. Whatever persona I project in my writings, is not the same as the one I show to my Barbara. She gets to see that ugly side of me way more than she should ever have to, and bless her heart - she puts most of it into the " forget it " file. She was that way even back when her memory was sharp as a tack.

By the way, I have appreciated the many times the both of you have commented so nicely about some thought I have tried to express. I feel mightily blessed to receive comments once in a while from either or both of you. Words are powerful, and can build up, or tear down - as I'm sure we've all seen, even here. Suffice to say, that at least from my perspective, you both have a lot more in the building up column than I do.

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Saturday, September 30, 2017 8:46 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


I like guilt-free stories that begin, ‘Once upon a time…’ And end ‘living happily ever after.’  As a troubled being, one may have to find a circuitous route. To a happy ending. But that’s the fun part. Always. Always. Always. There’s a way. It helps. To have unrelenting resolve. --Jim

 

 


jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, September 30, 2017 11:14 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19627


something my grandmother told me that has gotten me through a bad place untold times

"do not take offense unless you know offense was intended and even then when you are sure it was intended try to dismiss it by considering the source".


annie789
Posted: Saturday, September 30, 2017 7:31 PM
Joined: 11/19/2015
Posts: 1004


my!  I didn't realize others might know what I was talking about with the self guilt, little patience and over active mouth. If I am able to keep  rested and not tired and stressed then it is easier to tame my tongue. 

Deb, love your visual of casting "with all my strength." A friend used to tell me that she would visualize throwing her troubles and worry into a fire because she couldn't reach in and retrieve them. I think our husbands are exhibiting  some of the same behaviors.  Today, I took a wrong turn and decided to go to the next block and circle around to get us back on the right road but DH was upset because I didn't just stop and back up and take the right way.  Of course he didn't realize there was a lot of traffic behind us and I couldn't do that.  But he was over the upset in about 5 minutes cause he was looking and thinking of something else. 

So right that  we shouldn't take offense if it wasn't intended that way.  I would venture to say that  most times there was no offense meant. 

Thanks for the kind words, Chrisp!


dutiful deb
Posted: Sunday, October 1, 2017 2:48 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1893


Annie,

I appreciate your kindness and the fact that you have opened up about your husband's problems.  I have not spoken much about what I am experiencing with my DH; I guess by bringing it up, it makes it real, and I don't want it to be real. Most of the time things are fine; my husband does not have a diagnosis, but I am sure something is not right here. I have spoken to his doctor and have sought help for myself; what I have been told is that there is most likely some form of cognitive impairment, mild, but the cause is unknown. There have been baby steps taken towards getting some help, but that process seems to be so slow. 

He works, functions, and lives his life seemingly like he always has, like we all do.  But so many things I experience that nobody else sees or understands tell a different story, like the  collection of cast iron pans. They are so numerous and important that they have their own room (yes, really, well, more like half a room, but still...)  and we can't pass a thrift store, garage sale, discount store, department store, or the cookware section in a grocery store, without looking at cast iron pans, and most often come home with one or more. We have every size and shape imaginable: pizza pans, muffin tins, sauce pans, tea kettles, waffle irons, Dutch ovens, fry pans in small, medium, large, and in between, and lids for them, complete with a handle thing used for lifting off the lids.

Tonight I went to bed first, followed by my husband, but as usual I woke up for what I have come to think of as my "midnight respite", when I can't go back to sleep so I take advantage of the opportunity to have some quality alone time. I found the t.v. still on, to the streaming youtube videos that are always playing, of someone showing viewers how to clean and season cast iron pans. Cooking with cast iron, the best way to season cast iron, storing cast iron, cast iron brands, you name it, if it's got the words "cast iron" in it, it's part of the newest obsession and he watches...over and over and over.  I guess it's better than some things he could be obsessed with, and on the upside, he keeps them clean and well-seasoned, so I no longer have to soak and scrub pots and pans. I have learned to deal with a constant stack of cast iron cookware sitting on my stovetop, although I have a strong aversion to clutter. 

The cast iron pan craze has taken the place of the jump rope phase, and so on. This is just the latest in a line of obsessions, but it's lasted the longest. I have decided that although I find the cast iron obsession annoying, it is harmless. Cooking with cast iron isn't all bad, and I am almost at this point where I actually want to encourage it, because the next obsession might be something so off the wall that I'll wish I could just go back to jumping rope and cooking with cast iron! 

Chris, thank you for your kind words, too. I don't interact as much as I probably should, but I do read often and am always encouraged by your writings. 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Jim Broede
Posted: Sunday, October 1, 2017 5:49 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


Don’t worry. Your husband is a little eccentric. A little bit different. I used to collect bird houses. I shop at thrift stores, too. Fantastic. Unbelievable sales. Bird houses for next to nothing. Even bought a frying pan the other day. --Jim

 


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, October 1, 2017 12:36 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19627


Deb...finding old cast iron is something more people do than you think. Here is some info;

https://www.rodalesorganiclife.com/home/why-antique-cast-iron-pans-are-the-best

My friend only collects Griswold and Wagner. 

Maybe you can interest your husband in a more "collection" approach. You can do the search together and they are valuable. In specializing you can get rid of a lot that are worthless.

They do care care and that is something your husband cna spend a lot of time with...also sorting a classifying.


annie789
Posted: Monday, October 2, 2017 5:36 PM
Joined: 11/19/2015
Posts: 1004


Deb,  You description of your DH sounds like us about 6-7 years ago.  I knew there was something wrong with his memory but I didn't want to upset him to urge for testing.  I did talk to his PCP and he prescribed Aricept, however, not know anything about how the drug worked we stopped using it about 3 weeks because we couldn't see a difference!  (Now I know differently)

Fast forward to 2 years ago and he had so much more trouble remembering things.  He had an annual physical coming up so I wrote a simple note to the PCP and told him of my concerns. Once again he prescribed Aricept but this time my husband got sick with dizziness and heart heaviness.  I took him to the ER and they admitted him overnight and ran lots of tests including an MRI of the brain. 

After he was released I called his PCP for a referral to a neurologist which is where with a few more tests he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  My DH functioned really good for quite a few years after I noticed problems but in the last year he has really taken a downturn and I handle most everything in connection with running the house. 

Good luck with your situation.  I'll be thinking of you! And by the way, I love, love cast iron pans.  haha!  Just don't collect them.  I don't do that much cooking anymore to need more than two.