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when opportunities take too much effort
Posted: Monday, October 23, 2017 6:32 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608

I have been asking for ideas on how I could live out my days, making lists of "what really matters" and so on.

My first husband lives on west coast in town where we raised our kids. He has same old small house in a quiet neighborhood. He has said it would be ok to try living at his house for a month or more, see if we could enjoy it.

I told my  husband and he seems fine with that, probably looking forward to it.

what matters is fundamentally that I feel safe enough and around someone who enjoys my company. I need a very relaxed atmosphere and very low level of responsibilities. Dry, warm, food, a quiet place to sleep.  

feeling hopeful for first time in months - years? 


Also a wonderful couple, who I know because I was close to the wife's mom, wrote saying they would like to come here and visit. Oh how I would love to be with them, their lives are interesting, they are so kind, brilliant, adventurers. I love more than ever to LISTEN to people I don't normally get to be around.

At same time I get that panic thing. Will the house be clean? Will I have some colossal episode? Just surprised I am already at 60 - 40 in favor of trying to enjoy some of my favorite people ever from my past. 


I had old home movies and video tapes transferred to dvd and watched 2 hours of them. They were made with a video camera of me at home in Florida when I lived in a farming area with sand roads and horse farms. My God! I forgot how quiet and simple my life was. I do not remember recording my dogs but am so glad I  did.

My house is so colorful and clean, calm. I had forgotten sitting on a deck, palm trees swaying, birds calling. It was really nice. The area boomed after I moved there and then came robberies and other problems, and that bad stuff is what I remembered - not the many wonderful days of just walking around with my dogs or swimming in the little pool.

It feels like I recovered some valuables!


Miss Bill and Iris. I am still sick with the hacking cough thing and have not been on computer much. Wanted to check in though.

love and courage

Posted: Tuesday, October 24, 2017 6:21 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408

Would love to see those old home movies. And the dogs too! Sometimes I fantasize about my other two dogs being alive and having all three of them together. 

Feeling hopeful is good. Enjoy hearing you sounding hopeful and having options and choices and a plan B.  It wouldn't hurt to give it a try at ex-husbands house. It sounds like you and he have become friends. 

Out of town visitors does sound like pressure. Perhaps you could discuss your concerns with them, explain the stress factors and the impact? Maybe have a short visit with them staying at a hotel and taking you out for a limited period of time? It sounds like they are good people and would not want to inconvenience you in any way. 

Posted: Friday, October 27, 2017 6:56 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608

L lee - I did explain the anxiety thing  and yes they understood and I said I would love to LISTEN.

so it snowed here today and I am still sick with cough etc and Keeper is in bad mood daily. feel more inclined to leave everything, just walk away  from the house.

the food thing is becoming more of an issue. I opened a can of tuna but dropped it into the dog's water bowl. I made a soup but it burned. husband feeding himself hotdogs and donuts.

I have a feeling my exit from this house is going to be brought on by a crisis. For now I am struggling to get through this cough/fever thing that everyone in neighborhood has. I do not recover quickly from these episodes.

I have not felt well enough or had anything to share so am just avoiding contact  with husband.

feeling low

Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, October 29, 2017 8:52 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13593

Dear friend, I am so sorry for how you are feeling and hope that your cough soon begins to pass; that is so awfully uncomfortable and makes it hard to sleep and rest.   This certainly can bring a bit of depression and feeling very down with it; hang in there.

 Do you think you need to see the doctor to get a bit of help?

Alz+; food can be a real problem when we cannot prepare it or shop well.   Lack of nutrition will hamper the immune system and cause all sorts of mischief in our bodies.

IDEA:   How about contacting your Hospice Social Worker or RN and have them set you and Mr. Keeper up with Meals on Wheels?  They will deliver a hot main meal along with a lunch meal to your door each day.  Very inexpensive and payment is waived if a person is unable to pay or is low income.

You may also in all probability qualify for someone to run errands for you, such as grocery shopping.

If necessary, if you wish, a choreworker can also be assigned to help with house chores and laundry.  If qualifying, there are usually no charges for these services.

You have done so much for so long, it is time to let others do for you for awhile.  Sometimes we need a bit more to help buoy us up; this seems to be one of those times.

Snow already in the UP?  I will have to call my friend who recently moved to a place called, Ishpeming, and see how she is doing.

 Lots of fluids, hot soups, hot tea, warm afhgan and rest . . . . and contacting that Hospice person to talk about Meals on Wheels.

Soft hug and warm thoughts coming your way,


Posted: Sunday, October 29, 2017 12:09 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21237

"I have a feeling my exit from this house is going to be brought on by a crisis."

The truth is that each of us needs to plan for the future if at all possible. Being a CG taught me this.
Without a plan we are left at the mercy of others. They may be great at taking care of us or horrible.

Putting it together plans is not easy. It involves decision making and research into options that most of us know nothing about.

Your Hospice social worker should be able to help you a lot with this. Also your church. If  you are Medicaid then a whole world of services opens up.

Have you had a meeting with your social worker yet? Are they a good fit for you?

Posted: Tuesday, October 31, 2017 2:51 AM
Joined: 8/22/2016
Posts: 263

Really worried about you Alz+. You need care. Speak up and listen. Get Meals on Wheels as suggested. Do you have a juicer or Nutrabullet? Order one of not. You need fresh food and vitamins. Not canned soup. Use the money for a home health worker that will prepare meaks and shop. You can do this. Keeper or no keeper, you need fresh food daily.
Posted: Tuesday, October 31, 2017 6:22 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608

checking in.

things are more normal again. 

Thank you everyone for your insight and suggestions. There are a lot of possibilities, and that is a burden.

An early snowstorm covered roads in ice, I took the dog out to see if  I am capable of winter dog walking. It is possible but too difficult to do without falling. Now the snow has piled up (6 weeks early) so I have been feeding my birds.


Crisis management plan: ???

so I would go to west coast and stay at first husband's house if husband becomes incapacitated or hostilities return. 

Hospice is understaffed,  it is the nature of the service that things come up including weather events. We have not been well enough to see the social worker and until yesterday I did not see a point.

This is year 10 of having trouble letting go - of stuff, of past, of control, of having something to look forward to.

We cooperated on food issues, both of us lost our appetites. He made me a vegetable soup and brought the stuff I like to graze. 

My ability to handle the anxiety bugs that crawl around my gut and mind is diminished and I forget every day I could take a couple tokes and calm down. When I remembered that and found some cannabis the ice started to melt and by end of day we were talking to each other with respectfulness again.

We both pray for help. It is not my fault I have Alzheimer's and not his fault he is unwell. We both would have loved having more help from friendly people but realize this is not going to be a vacation.

The effort to eat super good and fresh is being made. 


the old videos I had put on dvd shocked me. This was early 1990s after I left California and moved to Florida where I retrained as a massage therapist. I filmed the dogs and spoke to myself. I had simplified my life, retreated, chose work that was repetitive and interesting in the most quiet setting possible.

I watched myself dealing with undiagnosed dementia. The problems I was told were depression, or MS, or attention seeking, or lonely middle aged woman syndrome  ...  all made sense. So I have had this condition since 1990. I did eat well, exercised, simplified my life and had work. I used to finish a novel in 16 months, the one I was working on took me 12 years. My life made sense and my brain processes things some times in fits and gasps and rages.

There is just so much letting go to be done. More than I am capable of so I not trying anymore. I think this is the point where I am not battling gravity anymore. My choice is to let life unfold, stay interested when possible and helpful, unhitch the plow from my body.

Feeding birds is enough. Had red-belied woodpecker show upand got photos.

Image may contain: bird and outdoor