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I let my siblings have it; they responded with maturity
Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2019 4:34 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 133

I was speaking over text with my brother and sister. Those of you who have read my earlier posts will know that I have sibling trouble. Most of us who are caregivers do. That's just the way it goes, so today I was expecting I might have a fight on my hands as my brother and sister grilled me on the live-in caregiver and what we actually pay him for if he isn't around, etc.

Finally, I said, "You see? This is why I hate this whole situation. You say X, she says Y, he says Z and this person over here says W. I have no way of verifying any of these stories yet I somehow have to come home from work and fix this. I simply cannot do this anymore and not go completely out of my mind."

I girded my loins for the onslaught of drama. Instead, my sister said, "No, you're right. I'm really sorry about all of this."

Maturity? What? I've always credited my siblings as at least seeming to care about my well-being. Perhaps they really do. I will have to give myself the room to find out.

Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2019 5:17 PM
Joined: 8/19/2016
Posts: 413

Glad that went well. Hopefully the maturity and good vibes continue. Keep us up to date. I enjoy reading your posts.
His Daughter
Posted: Monday, March 25, 2019 2:14 PM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2270

Wow MrGladd, that's wonderful.  I'm very happy for you.  Let's hope it continues.
Posted: Wednesday, April 10, 2019 10:36 AM
Joined: 1/25/2018
Posts: 687

I had a similar outcome with some terse words with my stepdaughters about their mother's care. I don't say I've got 24/7 support and back-up now, but it did get a more realistic attitude from the kids, and a little more contact. Glad it seems to have worked out for you. I just keep heading in my head "A leopard doesn't change it's spots." and I'm waiting for things to go back to the way they were.
dutiful deb
Posted: Thursday, April 11, 2019 12:32 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1891

Having these conversations with family is not something I've had to deal with a lot, despite a decade of advocating and caring for my mom. My sister lives several states away and was physically unable to contribute much in a tangible way, but she was supportive and we were on the same page about our mom's care. Still, because she was unavailable for much of the hard core care needs, I often felt lonely and isolated. Our brother is a narcissist and a misogynist. He was abusive to our mother and drew others into his abuse of her. I sought and gained guardianship so I could protect Mom from this abuse. 

Now she's gone, and my husband's care needs are increasing. He had an MRI a few years ago that showed some abnormalities, but the findings are inconclusive and my husband has refused any further testing or treatment.  I have been in contact with his doctor and other medical professionals, and there is definitely a problem. Until now, I've been dealing with it on my own, and with help from my phone calls to the staff at our medical clinic. For various reasons, it's become evident that I need to speak with family about what's happening. This morning I said a prayer, talked myself into and out of acting, took a long shower,  bit the bullet, and called my brother-in-law.  I had myself prepared for anything but what happened, which was a normal, healthy conversation.  Everything I presented was done factually, without a lot of emotion on my part, but as one adult to another.  Maybe this has come as a surprise because  I can no longer have meaningful conversations with my husband, and it was a shock to be able to converse with another adult about a serious subject.  I'm glad I called, but I feel this weird sense of something I can't define. Not let down, or of success, but a kind of disjointed "this can't be happening" kind of thing. 

It's all so weird, so unreal. Mr. Gladd, your last line echoes my thoughts: "I will have to give myself the room to find out" what happens next.