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looking for substitute for self control rant
alz+
Posted: Sunday, May 5, 2019 4:57 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


I am hanging by a thread. My daughter is at her Dad's with the neighbor picking tile for shower wall at house where I was planning on living.

what could go wrong? Thank god this all happened thus texts or I would have spewed angry terrified screed at all of them about "being willfully stupid" and "pushing me like kids taunting zoo animals"

An over reaction to finding out the One Thing approved from my choices for remodeling which I am paying for was the bathroom floor. It looked like old French country house, faded pattern, my son found it, sent me picture, we agreed. Moving to that house that floor was my connection to having it feel like my home. 

Well my daughter texted a photo of similar looking tile and said it was going on shower wall. This is a 7' x 7' small bathroom. she did not seem to understand that it was too busy "with the floor". I didn't know the floor is now brown like rest of house so we went back and forth and I was thinking "she might have cognitive problems". Finally she writes that they were trying to give me the pattern I wanted and it went back and forth. I know I did send text blunt statements, and then I wrote her dad I am having second thoughts.

***** there will be repercussions and it will all be my bad mood or not being appreciative of all they are enduring to get me there, etc etc etc and this neighbor treated me like I had typhoid when I met her last spring.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut, I feel like I am treated like a thing being moved out there, that their dad is not competent to help me like he never was when we were married. They don't seem to grasp the most obvious needs I have, they think it was a whim, it carries no weight.

None of them are at this point educated or ??? able to react properly towards me. all I need is a few fundamentals and - NO. 

Realistically I understand they have never taken care ofa sick person much less a disabled person. I understand all they know is some horror story thing and they want me to be cheerful about the move and grateful and they want they want they need their time tables blah blah blah.

Last week it was my neighbor pushing me too hard on sorting stuff and I hung on to my self enough that it didn't explode. My self control has lost its appeal too, not just that my brakes are almost gone.

I am shaking and terrified of their fantasy, of the way they took control. At same time I do not want control but I will be wild if   ??? pushed.

My son told me he didn't have open shelving put in my other request. I will take a crow bar to those f*&%$ing cabinets when I get there and find someone to do it.

None of them understand the importance of what I ask for, or they don't care.

I am scared of myself.


jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, May 5, 2019 6:24 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21248


They have very little awareness. 

Your feelings are justified. Your second thoughts are understandable. 

If this is too much you can postpone!


alz+
Posted: Sunday, May 5, 2019 9:10 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


JFKOC - thank god you responded. 

I do erupt, it sure looks and sounds like I'm a nut case.  I say these words: "If I have this ____ I will be so much more content and easy to deal with" and they ignore it. I don't erupt much when alone. Now being alone too stressful. No Plan B

*thank you for saying they don't really have any idea how to help me and it isn't occurring to them there is anything to learn, or even listen to me and believe me alittle. My daughter was trying so hard to let me a choice of tiles and I hated them all, she probably cried, she kept trying and I blew up.

I said I'd move cause I wanted to make my kids less worried, they do think this is going to turn out really good, they think I am going to have people visit and drop by! lots of laughs! 

Could I manage to get on a train? I don't think so. 

I calmed down, now it is weepy. wave the white flag? I never got to have my last fling.


Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, May 5, 2019 10:37 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


Alz+, I think it will help you to give up expectations that your family will have any understanding of your needs.  I have seen that it takes years for caregivers to have any semblance of understanding.  You will do well to have a roof over your head, some food, some clothing and utilities.  And your dog.  Impress upon them that you need peace and quiet and a low stress life.  Your job is to keep yourself calm and peaceful.  Keep breathing!


Iris 


yogi60
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 8:03 AM
Joined: 2/22/2017
Posts: 77


As a  wife and caregiver, I'm learning every day how to best help and serve my DH. It may take time for your family to truly understand your needs. I've followed your journey for months now and I love your truth. You've helped me and probably so many others by sharing your journey. Sending you big hugs across this board. I hope life settles soon for you.
alz+
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 8:31 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


yogi - thank you for kind words

****

I wrote to man I'm supposed to live with this morning and detailed how he left me for dead, abandoned me during birth of our first child, cheated on me and left me in a rat infested house.

I wrote every thing he did that  broke me and why I hate California because of the way he treated me while I did everything possible to keep us friendly and pay his bills and kids living expenses while I worked my a** off and he drank.

This is crazy or the final purge before I die. I will not pretend anymore for any of the people I adore, who I have spent my life helping. Not for the neighbor who is affronted I am not thankful for all she is doing, changing the 2 design things I asked for into what she likes I guess.

I CAN not be courteous or pretend I am not hurt anymore. Is this a gift or what makes me future target?

seriously considering a really long walk into the woods today. I forgot my dog outside, got another message asking me to make a final decision on TILE, told how my daughter was hurt by my response to tile selection thing. I am NOT there, how the f&^k would I know what will look good?

I could not name him because my whole life as a mother and abused ex wife I have always presented my kids with a good image of him. That would end if I named him for what I endured at his hands.

40 years of Buddhist mindfulness training, years of compassion, open heart training, years of spiritual practices to corral ptsd memories no longer function.

I am broken, this is who I am, these are the reasons I can not keep secret.

what is so hard about observing someone crying out for help? I realize I had to do cover for my mother's abuse since infant so trained from birth to put other people's comfort ahead of my own, and I have a knack for reading people which is why I had such a successful practice. I don't expect to people to have those skills.

JFK OC - whatever she has, do that. 

Iris saved my life when NO ONE around me would lend a hand. She did it day after day for years, she got me back to reason, believed in me.

The only people I relate to anymore have dementia. My daughter arrives in 2 days, I have no idea yet how she is getting to my house. No idea yet what I can take. No idea what they are spending.

anyway, this morning I was wreck and wrote to this guy and told him all the ways he trashed my life and why I don't trust him now, but he got his house remodeled the way his neighbor likes so there's that.

I have gone rogue. I might have blown up my one escape.



BethL
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 9:14 AM
Joined: 3/25/2015
Posts: 1119


I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, but I care about you and what happens in your life. It seems clear to me that you need help. Living alone is not a good option for you at this time. I hope that you can accept the help of your family, and find a place of peace.
dayn2nite2
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 10:38 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 3467


This fixation with having the environment be exactly as you specify is you trying to exert control.  It’s also not really a central issue.

You are moving because you can no longer live by yourself, your family has offered to do this and you can bring your dog.

If you decide not to do this, you will need to live in a facility, and it’s likely your dog will not be able to be with you.

It’s family or facility.  Continuing to live where you are is not an option and you are well past the time where it was safe to do so.  To be honest, there were things that you wrote about over the winter that were scary and unsafe for you and the dog, and your judgment is pretty impaired.

So choose.  Family and dog in California or facility and no dog.  You’ll have even less control over the environment in a facility.  Stop arguing about tile and rules you want people to adhere to.

 


alz+
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 10:56 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


this comment deleted for your benefit

Thanks, of course you're right.


jfkoc
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 1:52 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21248


Yes, you have gone rogue. Your pot is boiling over with the things you have stuffed down for years. You feel invisible, unappreciated, frustrated, hurt, angry and fearful.

Day and nite has boiled it down. You have two options and both are overwhelming. Now is the time to feel that others are holding you close and that they have some knowledge of how to help. 

Frankly I think I would be falling apart and I certainly give you a hall pass to do the same.

The one thing you do not have a choice about is that you will put one foot in front of the other in some direction.

I wish we had a crash course for "the man" and your daughter. They know so little.

We are here and you know this is a safe place to use to honestly say what you are going through.


alz+
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 2:40 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


JFKOC - you always help us feel acceptable, you are a saint.

Few people get my sense of humor. Oh well. All the stuff I have suffered stuffed down is now erupting. Kept to myself to protect other people. Exactly what you see happening. 

I also know the smart lady who advised me to "shut up about tile and just be grateful anyone will give me a roof over my head" was absolutely right. cruel but right. Knowing this makes me more broken. 

Right after after the smart lady above ^ set me straight, my daughter texted me about tiles again. the caregivers see her version, people with dementia relate to my side.

"So do you want all white?"

me: we've been over this. I don't want to answer questions anymore.

"OK, so lady next door likes this one. You like it?"

me: I hate brown on wall with a brown floor, although if I do a stage 6 poop smear it wouldn't show.

"We're trying so hard to help you! What about paint?"

me: we went over this yesterday and day before. white walls ivory, not bright white.

"Neighbor lady says we'll do grey walls then."

me: tell neighbor lady to go f&*k herself. is she paying for this? stop asking me what I want and then saying no! For god sakes stop asking me and leave me alone.'

"OK. Got it. "

condensed version

*****************

this is my brain on Ativan. hostile, swearing, impatient, drugged. They all think I should take Ativan, "millions of people are using it! you need to try it."

seriously seems time I quit all internet stuff, even emails. I forgot oil today. My daughter has been super good with me until lately, she seems incredibly confused, forgets what was just said.

My guess is I will have sh-- brown walls with a dark floor in ugly dark bathroom. And I will hate it, hate that I paid for it, hate that they battered me for a month with tile samples and chose whatever neighbor wants, and when I talk to myself int he ugly bathroom about hating it they will be sad and want me to appreciate all the help they gave me and how hard it was and how mean I am.

 


Iris L.
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 2:43 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


Alz+, let me tell you a story about a very close older friend.  She had divorced her husband years prior because he had been a jerk to her and her children.  Many years later, he had a heart attack and had become frail.  He begged her to take him in.  She agreed.  They lived for several years as roommates. 


She had to get over the anger that she had about the way he had treated them.  They were able to make it work.  I visited them together many times.


I see you still have strong feelings.  If this is to work, you will have to lower your expectations.  They will need to change their expectations of you, but you are not in charge of them.  All you can do is ask for peace and quiet.  If they ask for more, point them to Teepa Snow videos on Youtube.


I wil be travelling in a few days and probably will have less access to the internet.  I will still keep in touch when I can.


{{{{{{{{ Alz+ }}}}}}}}


Iris


alz+
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 4:40 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


Iris  

it was possible a year ago, possible 6 months ago. now is different.

it may still work out ok. I have pretty low expectations already, only 3 requests but even that seems so outrageous to some people.  I was reading I'M STILL HERE a new philosophy of Alzheimer's care by John Zeisel.  all about getting caregivers to relate to us like human being. Takes a lot of work but everything in the book I underlined 5 years ago is still an issue in my life.

go have fun and come back and tell us about it. 


Jo C.
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 4:40 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599


Dear one, off comes my PV hat and it is just me; one more Member.   Gonna be long, so I ask forgiveness for that.

Well, you really have been, "going rogue," as you have called it, and all the unbearable level of fear, dread and fury at the absolute loss of control over your life situation seems to have reached a crisis state and that fury and upset has come flying out.  I am truly so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.  I too, as would anyone, would be horribly fearful and angry over the entire situation and loss of control.  It is darned uber-scary at best.

Dear alz+, it is notable that the closer and closer it gets to your daughter's arrival and the actual physical move, feelings appear to have continued to hyper-escalate far more and the lashing out against others involved in the move has greatly heightened.

It is true however, as has already been said, and as you know, that you cannot continue living where and how you have been.  So understandable that it is really hurtful to have to try and accept that deep loss, but we here speak honestly to you regarding this situation.   The choices as have been stated in the other Member's Posts, are limited.

QUESTION:  Since you have begun  to push away your support people, verbally and writing, lashing out at them with words, is it possible that you, at some level, want them to reject and refuse you so that the reality of this move will fall apart?  Something to do a bit of self-examination about; maybe not, cannot tell.  Not a good idea even if any of  it is only a little bit true, because if it does garner everyone giving up, the alternative options are not what you would want in your best interests. 

 Alz+, you are loved.  That is true; loved.  Your daughter is not making these efforts because it is fun time, she loves you, cares and worries on your behalf.  She is trying the best she can for what she understands at this point.  AND . . . she may be pretty tired about now considering all that has been happening and what she has been doing to make things right with the house, and she is also making that cross-country trip two ways to try and do her very best on your behalf.  She has been making a herculean efforts to try and please, to make things better, it has been difficult; it does not  sound as though she or the others helping with this change are looking for you to be beholden.   If she sounds a bit off center, it is probably because she may be tired and a bit unsure.

Daughter will be there in another day or so, she may be a bit  tired from last minute preparations and travel, and she may not be sure of how she will be received; each of you are beginning that dynamic where you are learning about each other more deeply in more detail than ever in the midst of a major life change stressor.  It will take time for each of you to learn and work through it.  I so hope that this will go well with your daughter for both your sakes.

REMEMBER:   Logic and emotion live on different planes of existence.  Logic tells us one thing. but emotion will try and override everything else and often brings us to making unfortunate decisions.   When there is anger and despairing dread as emotion, there is a great need for that logic piece to peek in.  Let the family help you.  Despite the feelings, you do need them right now.        

The tile and the kitchen shelves are only focuses to place all those uncontrolled feelings on, kind of like a transference.  When you see the house, it may be far better than you imagined and probably better than what you have in your present setting as you have described it.  They have been working hard as can be for months to make the house ready to welcome. 

 I really am  sorry, we here understand how dreadfully painful, fearful and hurtful this is for you to the max; it must be like having your raw emotional self run down the side of a cheese grater over and over again.  We all wish this terrible pain were not so; but we here also know it would be best to speak honestly based on what you have been writing.

As I recall, last year, you went to California and stayed in your ex-husband's home for quite a bit of time.  By your writing, you had a great time and enjoyed yourself and expressed how much you also enjoyed visiting with him.   What he was years ago, is what he was years ago; we all evolve,  none of us are the same as we were decades ago.  Most of us have past stories and have moved through "interesting" and often extremely dire times.  I understand your being angry about the long ago past, and it is certainly your right to feel that; BUT your long vacation spent in your exes home, was a very positive one for you by your own words; this seems  then as though there may well be a middle ground.  Once again, your current absolute necessity to move from all you have known for so long, may be dredging up much of this anger,   Not saying that you should not have feelings, just know where they may be coming from and why.

 How I wish I could make this easier for you and how I wish there were a magic wand to soothe everything and make all of this better; but alas regarding that magic wand.  Be very, very sure of what you are doing in regard to your support system no matter how strong, how weak, how close or distant it may be; they are necessary and you will all will learn one another better as time moves forward.

Your new housemate is also having to make adjustments and adaptations after being alone for so long - it is not a one way street for one person.

 Keep writing, keep sharing, rant away; we get it, we care and we so wish we could be of more help.

 NOTE:  You may want to share with your daughter that some folks who take Ativan can have a "paradoxical reaction" to the drug; that means it gives the opposite effect from what was intended.  Instead of relaxing, it can cause worsening anxiety and upset.  Not saying this is what is happening with you, but from what you wrote, it is something to think about AND to let your daughter know that a paradoxical reaction may be a possiblity if she is discussing the med with you.  And of course, always good to keep your physician informed.

 Lots of care and many warm thoughts are being sent your way.  We here all care very deeply and hold you in our hearts in hope. 

 J.


jfkoc
Posted: Monday, May 6, 2019 6:21 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21248


Jo is spot on. Ativan does not work for everyone. My husband had a bad reaction to it.

Please share the Zeisal book with your daughter. I think I might also share the feelings you have that are bubbling under what is coming out verbally. Allow the suppressed person to share feelings. 

This is an opportunity to develop a very intimate relationship with your daughter but you will have to be willing to expect nothing from the share and that could really hurt.

This is really "big girl" stuff happening. It should not be underestimated.

BTW...thank you but I am definitely not a saint, my daughter and others will be delighted to confirm this.

Keep posting!!!!


llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 5:39 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


https://www.alzheimers.net/2014-01-30/how-positive-environments-affect-patients/
llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 5:50 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4408


The tiles are important. The environment is important. So is having some locus of control when you feel like your losing everything. Love you (((((alz+))))))
alz+
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 6:21 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


JoC - JFKOC - I understand what you wrote. I am floored to have online friends and mentors spend so much time and thought into trying to gently coax me out of the terrified state I have been in. You are saints to me.

I have no control when brain power is diminished, that is the horror. My whole life I have been diplomatic and understanding to my detriment. I was trained from birth to put other people ahead of my own interests. Turn the other cheek, endlessly.

My home.  People who have been sexually abused, raped, robbed, beaten up and experienced medical abuse don't trust other people much. The father of my children is handsome, charming and debilitated. People love him for being such "a character." He also left me for dead twice in our marriage and on my trip last year ripped the radio plug from the wall because he could hear it even though I had it buried under a pillow by my head. He raged when I played music. It scared me, at least he is not an active alcoholic now. 

Losing my home means more than leaving an old house. I am daily thanking people, buying gift massages as thank you presents for my son and daughter, texting all the time how grateful I am. But if I want any thing done to make me feel "at home" I am ungrateful controlling etc etc.

For people like me the feeling of being at home is fundamental to being able to handle Alzheimer's. For people with PTSD this is essential, I think. There are books on the subject, "I'm still here" is based on this concept. I don't understand why people fight the concept but it is stupid and cruel and will result in them having an ugly time caregiving.

 I love my daughter and son may be staying emotionally distant because they may have inherited the gene. 

Do we have the right to live out last functional days as we wish? Maybe not. Maybe some people wish us to be obedient, docile, grateful to sit in a wheelchair in a hallway staring at our feet. My Mom treated my Dad like that. I had fun with him.

*******

when I lost financial management ability and gave power to my son and daughter it was like I was erased. It seemed petty and dangerous but I wanted a car last winter so I could get to swimming pool 4 blocks from my house. No. I never swam once last winter. I could have used that car to drive us out west. They said "no". They said "No" about me traveling to friends' funerals. They said "No" to me having a vacation. They said "No" to me staying at son's house for winter break. They were clueless how it was to live alone in 20 below with furnace out, pipes freezing, having to get dog out over 24" ice hump at front door. No one came to shovel, no one even understood what I went through. I have not told all I went through to survive but at least no one was here arguing with me, being hostile, watching me struggle like its entertainment. 

I will go out west but it won't feel like my home. I asked for a couple things in the remodeled house knowing it would help me adjust and make ex husband's life easier. I had wanted this tile floor for years in this house, was promised this 6' square of adored pattern on floor that I paid for, and shelves so I could find food, plates, glasses. No. Then I was shamed for being disappointed, ungrateful. I was unheard, which = unimportant to me.

My home is being stripped and sold. The next place I live is house for ex husband I paid for and I better learn in 24 hours to be grateful for it.

*****

I go on and on. It is how I have always calmed myself, writing helps me think. 

Keeper got an electrician to come at 7am so I better get up. Wall sockets exploded months ago, getting them fixed for future buyer. Yes I live with electrical fires. 

I hate Ativan. It did immobilize me yesterday, I guess caregivers like that.

thank you for letting me rant. It really helps keep the distress from the people who matter to me the most.

if not love, a little courage



Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 8:30 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599


There are not words to express how sorry I am for your pain and suffering.   It is difficult to express the absolute depths of loss one can feel when moving from one's own dear home of long standing; I have experienced that in my life.  I am truly sorry for the unwanted necessity that you are facing.

 It will take some time for the new house to begin to feel like "home."  I am somewhat like that; a creature of habit, change can feel profoundly risky, at one point, it took me months to feel I was actually "at home" in my new setting.  Then one day; suddenly and unexpectedly, there it was in my heart and mind . . . . home, I did not even feel it happening; it just did.

It does indeed take time to adjust and adapt to a new way of being.  It is more than adjusting to a house; in some situations, it is evolving parts of ourselves, step by step.  

It might be a good idea, when together with your daughter and when the moment feels right because you are both calm and communicating well; to tell her that there are needs and boundaries you must have set regarding living in the new house. 

You write so wonderfully well; you could even write the list of your important boundaries and what the needs are for for routine and structure to your days, etc.  Write down to let everyone know what works for you and what doesn't.   What is upsetting and what is calming.  Everyone should be aware of your needs before you arrive so they can be honored, you deserve that; at this point they may not be aware of what the important bits are.

Sometimes, when we write, it helps communications as most of the time, if it is done in a calm manner and the reader then "hears" the boundaries and necessities much more clearly than they would have the spoken word.

You had not shared the incident about the music at your exes house when on your visit; music is not always calming to others, so why not have your daughter get you some ear phones so you can listen to whatever music you want, no matter time of day or night without it being heard by anyone else.  A gift to yourself.  If able, why not a flat screen TV in your bedroom, so if you want that room to be your personal and private refuge, you will have it.   You can create anything you want in that room.  It is your domain.

You can over time, also make some adjustments to the house, little by little as the spirit moves you.

You are you; that will always be, and you are a pretty fantastic person!   We will follow you on this life change and will always be here; just don't forget us and not write.  We will want to keep up with you and have you in a pocket next to our hearts.   We will be waiting to hear how it is going after your daughter's arrival. 

As I have often comforted myself:  Courage!  Hope!  And . . . . a good bra!

 J.


dayn2nite2
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 10:11 AM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 3467


llee08032 wrote:
The tiles are important. The environment is important. So is having some locus of control when you feel like your losing everything. Love you (((((alz+))))))
I understand this.  But the alternative to living in this situation is to live in a facility with lots of other people and all unfamiliar, likely without a companion dog.
Those are the choices, the major one being whether our dog friend can live with us.  Perhaps a facility that allows pets would be preferable?

jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 7:33 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21248


I wish we were there to hold your hand. This is tuff stuff!!!

Be certain you have the information needed to get on our forum while you are traveling and in CA. Make certain your Daughter can get you back on easily.

my email   jfkoc@aol.com   I will take this down shortly.


Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, May 7, 2019 11:36 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599


Alz+, you may not see us; but we are all there next to you shoulder to shoulder in spirit. 

 II agree with jfkoc, please get your daughter to get your computer set up so you can continue to talk with us on the way if you can, and especially after you get to California.

 We will be looking for you each day. 

 Remember; we are with you in spirit, I hope that if you close your eyes in a quiet space, you can feel us.

 J.


alz+
Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 8:47 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


I am doing better, MUCH thanks to friends here.

Llee even sent me a quip which made me laugh and feel more safe.

It came down to me being unable to go out there if Old Man was not going to acknowledge our serious problems in the past. He called me back and he said the right things and that he wanted to spend the rest of our lives making it up to me.

I told him I need someone to protect me when I need it, to stand up for me. He promised he would. He said he understands the anxiety and being overwhelmed because he has it too, and how I have made fun of him for not being able to walk into a grocery store without getting the shakes. I said I would not make fun of him for those things anymore.

About the tiles and stuff - he said when I get there, if I hate anything, he will have builder take it down and replaced with what makes me happy. He was going to try standing up to the kids about something too, forgot what but I said I'd have his back.

We agreed to get some kind of protection for me regarding the house so if/when he can't take care of me anymore no one could put me in a institution. (anyone done that?)

we came to agreement on a lot of stuff.  My daughter is at my cousins I heard and will come here when she is rested after her trip.

I will certainly convey high and low points on our trip west. Keeper listened to me yesterday for a long time and he said I just can't "pretend things" anymore. I am very uneasy when someone is performing or pretending around me.

so it ended up much better, I feel a little in control of my moving, 2 ex husbands love me and I hope my daughter begins to relate to me again as she starts to learn more about the changes since she last saw me and the rest of it.

love and courage


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 9:05 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


Alz+, you have a knack for bringing people together! I'm glad he apologized for the past wrongs.  (My ex never did.)  I'm so happy for you!  You two will cling to each other and help each other.  


I'm leaving for my trip now.  I'll post when I can.


Iris


Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 12:26 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599


Iris, I hope you have a marvelous trip.  I wonder where you are going; wherever, may it be a joy for you.

And alz+, you and the "Old Man," are awesome, I think the two of you are going to make a darned good go of it.  He was wonderful in his sincere apology as are the both of you for your agreed upon plans of mutual support.  Progress and a bit of peace!

I think of my favorite quote I saw on a small billboard:   "No matter what your past, your future is spotless."  Indeed.

Love to one and all,

 J.


alz+
Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 1:59 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


I was 100% certain the last post of mine here failed to post. I got the page saying MISTAKE or something so just came to try to retell. but it worked after all.


I recommend

I'm Still Here - a new philosophy of Alzheimer's care by John Zeisel

I learned how to look at my broken parts in brain and makes sense. One of the troubles he explains was sequencing. There are 50 steps to getting dressed and the person just can't do it, gets frustrated, day starts bad.

But if you laid out 1 sock, 1 sock, underwear, t shirt, pants, shoes - in a line the person seems to be able to just go down the line. The sequence is done.

also the hardwired parts of brain never die, how my dad grasped my hand is one.

so if you concentrate your life set - up to include those things i.e. music, art,  outdoor access and/or view of outdoors, a quiet space, a dog or cat or bird etc - things don't look so awful.

in my opinion, environment is basis of all caretaking being successful. I am going to try to do it out there!

love and courage


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 9:25 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


Jo C, I'm on my way to Paris, the City of Lights, and to Normandy, to see how the Allies defeated fascism.  It's truly an amazing story that I wasn't taught in school.


Iris


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, May 8, 2019 9:42 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


Alz+, although I have always enjoyed nature and animals, you got me to think of them in a more therapeutic manner.  Tasks that I might have viewed as a chore, I can now look upon as a remedy for stress.  I'm thinking especially of one task, brushing and combing my long-haired cats.  Now I find this task soothing.  That won't be the only one.  I'm glad you focused on this.


Iris


alz+
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 5:49 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


Iris goes to Paris -

OMG. Every vacation or voyage you take lifts me up with happiness. I love how you started going with groups ?  maybe 3 years ago ??? and have learned how to travel in a way that is super enjoyable for you.

Talk about living with cognitive problem! 

(I used to feel like a parent with their child out too late at night when you first started going "away"! I learned you can more than handle it. Still relax a little extra when you come back though)    


alz+
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 6:26 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608


My Daughter arrived, Rescue Mom Operation officially begun!

I told myself, "Don't overwhelm her when she walks in. Let her get used to things."

Immediately I overwhelmed her at my late afternoon hour of spewing. What did she do?

She made us vegetarian enchiladas.      That's when my fear level went way down and I knew I could behave better pretty soon.

*****

Gabor Mate' lectures on youtube about brain and body and modern medicine treating them as separate is really fascinating. People interested in the mechanics of cognitive decline and restoration will get a lot more out of his concepts than me. I listen and replay as I lose track and forget what he just said.

This thinking is similar to the osteopathic massage work I loved so much. Memory is held in tissues and releasing old injured tissues would release other distress, bring back memories, etc.

The gut brain (I think) starts taking over when certain parts of head brain short out. 

He asks audience, "How many of you have ignored a strong gut feeling and later wish you would have paid attention?"   audience 95% raise a hand.

"How many had a gut feeling and did act on it?" large number have.

"How many glad you paid attention to that feeling?" 100%

"how many ignored it and wish you wouldn't have?" 95%

Since the Gut Brain is almost always right maybe we can count on it to help compensate for other stuff.

*****

maybe since I am losing control of emotional responses my gut brain has been going wild which is maybe is that terrorized feeling, that sense of being under threat. Yelling at me "GET HELP!" Better pay attention.

Mate' explains how the only truly murderous thing that happens to us is to be dependent on someone who does not support our need to be attached and how our brains break when we give up our essence to preserve that weak attachment to survive. Doing this as infant or child (or adult) changes our brains.

I find YouTube a great resource, I pay for the no ad version, $10/month. I listen every day and most nights.

*****

Thank you for helping me survive winter! Thank you for being so smart, kind, strong, curious, patient, and wonderful.

love and courage






Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 12:21 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599


Operation Rescue Mom!    And daughter cooked enchiladas too!   What a winner you have for a daughter, alz+.  

 We know you will be busy, and we do not know yet what day you will be leaving for California, so we shall wait to hear about that.  Do let us know.   Does your daughter know you have your Forum friends that you keep in touch with?   There are a lot of us.

Keep us tuned in any way you can; we will be wishing we could be near so we would know how all is going.

And of course; we will be tingling in anticipation to find out how things are when you arrive in California.  Please have dear daughter or someone keep your computer up and running so we can hear from you.

Isn't it funny; after all this time, we do not know your first name; just our friend, alz+; we have known one another for SO long . . . . .

Sending you warmest, warmest of thoughts and a huge basket of best wishes and a good trip out to the land of sunshine and a whole new vista.

 Hugs and more hugs,

 J.


Jo C.
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 12:27 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599


Iris; ooh la la!   Off to beautiful Paris.   My granddaughter recently returned from there; she had traveled with a high school group.  She was in Notre Dame and returned home just a few days before the fire and the riots, so the timing was really good for her and kept her and the group out of all that.

Oh my goodness, you will have a lovely time; and oh, the food!  Just looking in the windows of the patisseries would be a feast for the eyes.

Have a wonderful trip and let us know when you return, I am sure you will have some interesting things to share.

 J.


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 2:07 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


I like to travel, but the pre-travel preparation time was driving me ragged.  That made me put your experience into perspective, Alz+.  I am preparing and packing for only two weeks, whereas you are preparing for the rest of your life.  No wonder you're stressed out!


It's great that your daughter is here, and operation mom rescue can begin in earnest.  May you both go forth, and enjoy this time together.


Iris


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, May 9, 2019 2:16 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513


Jo C, what a wonderful experience for your granddaughter!  In additions to sites, I like to see how people live.  And how they eat, of course.    


Iris