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Posted: Thursday, June 24, 2021 12:04 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3608

My care partner, ex husband Habib, has been taking care of my dog for some time now and they have been a good team. She is really easy dog and sensitive to human needs.

She was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer last week. The news triggered something in him and he lost his memory of past month or so overnight. I am staying part time at his house while she spends her last weeks to help hem both.

Going back and forth triggers anxiety, I have to find a ride which stresses me as much as using a telephone (A LOT) but it feels right and I have my old bedroom here.

Fear really drops my cognitive levels. I fear being trapped again in wildfires, hospitals, doctors, neighbors... It was an awful experience and hangs on still.

As I go through this experience I try to burn it off by walking or swimming in trailer park pool and tending my flower garden. They all help a little but it never ends. 

Someone has died in the park every month this year, I think we are all weakened by fear of the fires, drought, and covid so I'm not saying it is from ALZ esp but it is a real problem.

Also I hear people talk of their struggle to get a doctor to call back or help, and know there are not enough prisoners to stop the fires around the west coast already burning and the nation feels like it is at war with itself. I cut back news, I'm at a loss...

Looking for another way to lower FEAR levels.  I switched to a 1:1 CBD-THC oil which has helped with pain levels and sleep but I don't feel up to handling another year of fires and stuff.

I can do yoga, deep mindful breathing and stuff but this is my most harmful symptom, fear. Not being able to see or drive adds to it.  It seems brutal to have to live like this. I used to have a pack of cigarettes around and would smoke one to stop escalation but I stopped using them. I don't drink alcohol. Losing my dog. 


love and courage

Posted: Thursday, June 24, 2021 4:49 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21248

Love and  courage to  you, dear friend.

This past year has left all of us changed. The whole world is just not as stable as it was or at least what we thought it was.

I can not imagine not having a support system. I worry about you and am so relieved to have you posting again!

You knot that there are people here that you can call. We would help anyway we could!

Posted: Thursday, June 24, 2021 7:04 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 1839

alz+   Your in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs Zetta
Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, June 24, 2021 7:17 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513

Stress and anxiety reduce our cognition by half.  Add to that fear.   We have to do whatever we can to deal with these attacks.  I have always believed that at a certain point, PWDs need to live in a bubble.  I know I cannot tolerate the outside world so I must protect myself.  

There is nothing I can to to change the outside world.  I am having enough difficulty managing my day-to-day life on my own without help or support--no husband, no children, no close friends.  I cannot allow known detractors to detract from my already compromised life.

As you have noted, popular culture nowadays is toxic.  Especially TV shows and TV news, which I stopped watching many years ago.  The modus operandus is fear, to get people to tune in.

I am so sorry to learn of the dog's illness.  Making her final time comfortable will be a blessing for you.  Stay strong alz+!  





Jo C.
Posted: Friday, June 25, 2021 11:15 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599

Hello friend; I am sorry for what is happening and for the fear, terrible unsettledness, and anxiety you are feeling; that is an  awful place to find oneself.   Such dynamics can also cause old tapes to play in one's head which we must cast out:  those were then, this is now.   Old tapes need not apply for head space - begone!  (That is what I do with myself when old tapes begin to try and niggle at me.)


I also send you my sympathy on losing your beloved dog; I know how much you love him from what you have written.  That is a very hard, heart-breaking thing to experience.   As for the news and the rest of the world . . . well; I too have begun to shun most news programs.  To darned much "stuff" going on and too much of the news constantly harping and dramatizing making it worse.  I believe Iris is right about creating one's own bubble.


It is well-known that when a person has Alzheimer's, the road to reasonable peace within oneself is that the person have strong routine and structure to their home as well as to their days.


It may well be that the break in your doing so well is caused by the abrupt disruption and breaks in your routine and structure.  I am so sorry for how bad that is making you feel.   The goodness though is still there waiting for your return.


Knowing you from this place all these last years dear alz+, I do feel you are stronger than you think you are.  You are like cream; you always manage to rise to the top no matter what and you have traveled through alot.   It reminds me of that quote from Winnie The Pooh:


 "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."


You have stepped out of your serene safe place and are ministering to your beloved friend and helping Mr. Habib for awhile.  It is understandable that you are feeling very fragile.


This is not a permanent situation; you will return to your sweet home and what you have built for yourself.  You will once again restore and have the comfort and serenity of your routine and structure that you have so nicely constructed.


It will be up to you when you feel you must, for your own sake, return to where you are safe, most comfortable and serene.   You will return to all that has been so good for you; again, this is not a forever situtation, it is your call when to say it is time to reverse course back again.  I have long admired you so much for your bravery and for all that you do; your light shines very brightly.


Do come and talk to us, we care, and your friends here all send their very warmest of thoughts your way.

 Courage and strength along with a soft hug,



Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Saturday, June 26, 2021 7:16 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 4460

I am so sorry to hear about your dog and what you are dealing with. I even stopped listing to news and it was so bad and fake. I am feeling better because of it.

Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, June 26, 2021 11:41 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 18513

Alz+, I would suggest that you review many of your earlier posts for the wisdom you posted.  Re-read about smiles, about examening what you fear with detached interests, about being in nature, about collecting rocks, about looking at clouds and about managing your environment.  You had many ways of soothing yourself.


It appears that many of us older adults get turned around when our routine is interrupted.  Some caregivers relate unease when their cherished families come to visit.  That's life.  While you are with Habib, make a new routine that feels comfortable to you.  


Have you heard of Go Go Grandparent? It's like Uber for seniors, but you don't need a smartphone, just a telephone.  They transport you door-to-door.  You can see if it is in your area to transport to back and forth to Habib's place.



Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, June 29, 2021 1:37 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13599

Hello alz+; just dropping by to let you know I am thinking of you.