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Things NOT to say to ADLO or caregivers -
rose_ro
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 12:44 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


Anyone want to join me in my rant?  I'm ranting in my head, lol.

 

Why are people so stupid, ignorant, moronic, or all of the above?

 

Main rant of the moment -

 

My mother helped my aunt and her kids so much.

 

My aunt comes to see my mother last week and starts talking about how her youngest daughter just had her first child.

 

Why I rant?  Because 1) my aunt not only did basically less than nothing to help my mom this past two years - and my mom just about saved my aunt's life and her kids' lives - but she caused problems in MY family by complaining about me to my sibs

 

2)   In the time my cousin got married, had her baby - I've had surgeries and then cared for my mom and put up with so much garbage from people

 

3) My aunt added ''our family is growing.'' How nice for her, huh.

 

You know how some families kind of joke about how many grandchildren there are?  Who ''has more?"  Well, in some sense, our family is ''off limits'' because we lost my nephew (and that alone makes me want to cry).

 

All my aunt's kids now have at least 1 child, and one is expecting another soon.  So yes, ''her family'' is growing.  She said the stuff above in front of me, and of course I wanted to have a family.  I actually took care of her kids at times!  So this was insulting / offensive in its insensitvity towards me (and my mom, because of the loss of her grandson, and because I don't have kids).

 

i felt like saying to her - and I am so serious - ''oh, so now that (my nephew) is dead, you have more grandkids?''  That may sound horrible to even think, but it's just the level of hurt I have, in that she got all the help from my mom that she could, and now is just as much of a problem as she has been in the past.

 

Ok, the rant was longer than I thought it would be.  I just resolved that I'll never have to hear anything like that from her again.  I'll figure out what to do.

 

ergh...

 

 


Stephanie Z
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 1:07 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4219


Sorry you were hurt by this Rose. Yes, you would think people would be more senstive and understanding, but they are living in their own worlds and cannot phathom what it is like to care for a LO with dementia. She also has the luxury of knowing that you are taking care of your mom and so she does not have to. That's just the way it is.

I had a SIL who used to complain constantly about the way I was caring for my FIL. She lived 1 mile away in NJ, yet I had to do all his caregiving driving back and fourth from Va. and finally brought him to my home when he was terminal. Some people are just that way. We made a decision after that experience to eliminate toxic people from our lives. The whole family (my then teens as well) decided to sever relationships with my SIL and her family. That has worked out well for us. I don't have to see her or be mad about what she did.

You certainly don't have to go that far, but you can distance yourself as much as possible right now while you are under the level of stress caused by being a caregiver. Later on when you are rested and better able to have the conversation, tell her how she made you feel. She simply may not realize what she is doing. In my case, my SIL was one of those people who put my husband and I down from the time we got married on. We just didn't need that in our lives.

Here's a big hug, in case you need one

[[[[[[[HUG!}}}}}}}

Stephanie


rose_ro
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 1:18 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


Thank you!  You're so right - I didn't have the energy to ''fight'' what she was doing, and she knew it.

 

My aunt wants to be the center of attention...there's so much ''energy'' there that i don't need, nor does my mom.

 

My mom said to me later, ''everyone wants to be part of things.'' But she also knows my aunt has tried to push me out.

 

There's so much more, but thank you for the kind words and hug.  THAT is what I needed from my aunt.

 

She visited this past week, when I wasn't there.    She probably will be on better behavior with my father there (won't say certain things, even when she pretends she's not offensive)

 

My aunt knows me well, and knows I don't do things like that to her, or to her family.

 

Plus, I am sure on her mind is - what will happen to HER?  She has actually encouraged her kids not to live around here, and can also be a big pain to them.  SO - she may think right now that she will never have the problems my mom does right now, or her kids will be there for her.  We'll see!

 

She may think they'll come back to be here for her, or whatever.  I don't care, I just know she has put on a lot of phoniness for people, and I don't fall for it.

 

Thanks for having the insight, and perspective.  I do think as time goes on, I'll feel better about some things.  But I will steer clear of her for some time.

 

Can I ask where in NJ, or approx area?  I'm in NJ too!

 

 


Teppie
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:05 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 122


NJ in the HOUSE! LOL. Cherry Hill, 10 mins outside Philly.

 

Sorry you're having a hard time with family. It's incredible what people do to each other, whether on purpose or not.

 

We are here for you!


AlphaLeah
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 4:26 PM

After a very hard time with my father, having friends say, "I hope he gets better!" makes me a little bit nuts.


Totally well-meaning and loving on their part. 


But I want to scream WHAT PART OF DEMENTIA DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?!?? HE'S NEVER F-CKING GETTING BETTER!! ONLY WORSE, WORSE, WORSE UNTIL I END UP WIPING HIS BUTT AND THEN HE DIES!!


Sigh. Having a rough one today. Crying a bit, but it helped to type that and know people will understand.

L


Susan420
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 5:00 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 235


AlphaLeah

Thumbs up!!! I have said simular things to people and family about my Dad. tired of it.

 

 

Rose_re

Im so sorry your Aunt is..

I got nothin nice too say

 

So I guess hugs to all of us!! I know Ive had a very long weekend


rose_ro
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 9:52 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


Teppie wrote:

NJ in the HOUSE! LOL. Cherry Hill, 10 mins outside Philly.

 

Sorry you're having a hard time with family. It's incredible what people do to each other, whether on purpose or not.

 

We are here for you!


  Thank you - it HURTS!

 

But the nice things here do help...thanks!


rose_ro
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 9:56 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


AlphaLeah wrote:

After a very hard time with my father, having friends say, "I hope he gets better!" makes me a little bit nuts.


Totally well-meaning and loving on their part. 


But I want to scream WHAT PART OF DEMENTIA DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?!?? HE'S NEVER F-CKING GETTING BETTER!! ONLY WORSE, WORSE, WORSE UNTIL I END UP WIPING HIS BUTT AND THEN HE DIES!!


Sigh. Having a rough one today. Crying a bit, but it helped to type that and know people will understand.

 

L


  Thanks so much.  Hope you feel better, too.

 

Yes, WHAT do they think this issue is all about?  Can't ''they'' take five extra minutes of their lives and learn SOMEthing about what this really is?  It's NOT COMPLICATED.

And - it hurts.  My dentist was trying to be nice about something, and I'm just so tired of people ''not getting it.''

 

He said to me, along the lines of, well, I probably would have preferred my nephew to live, and my mom to pass away.

 

NOW, he did not say that.  But it kind of was the message.  I was - shocked.  In other words, my mom is older, and she's lived a good life.  But she's not THAT old.  I've met people 20 years older than her, or more!

 

And the issues are unrelated.  I certainly did NOT want my nephew to pass.  But he is my nephew - he's not my son.  Even so, I wouldn't want my mom OR my nephew (or son) to pass away at this point.

 

I did say something to him that surprised him - I said I WAS mad that my mom had problems, and not some other family member - like one of her sibs (ha ha, I was thinking of my aunt, but didn't tell him).

 

It's true.  This disease itself is such an insult, and it HURTS LIKE !#!@!@.  We see their pain, confusion, sorrow, and WE CAN'T FIX IT.

 

Bless us all!

 

(He was trying to be nice.  But why don't people just shut up sometimes.  And I seriously have considered changing dentists, because it's too much for me to deal with, people knowing so much. I just want my teeth fixed!  I'll go to a pysch if I need one!)


rose_ro
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 10:03 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


Susan420 wrote:

AlphaLeah

Thumbs up!!! I have said simular things to people and family about my Dad. tired of it.

 

 

Rose_re

Im so sorry your Aunt is..

I got nothin nice too say

 

So I guess hugs to all of us!! I know Ive had a very long weekend


  Seriously, thank you all.  I thought I'd get some kind of message like  "oh your aunt meant well.'' No she didn't.  If she thought for five more minutes she'd realize what pain WE are in because we lost my nephew.

 

What pain I have when I see my sister's family, and my brother's family.  The pain in my brother's family is just written on their faces.  They miss him, they mourn him.  he will never come back and it's a realization that occurs when HE'S NOT THERE!  Not there on his birthday, not there on Christmas, not there EVER again.

 

And it's my brother, and I can't help him.    Just writing that makes me cry.

 

Seriously, thank you all.  Everyone thinks my aunt is just ''peachy'' and I think differently.  I've seen a lot more, been around a lot more. 

 

Anyway - thanks.    Y'all ''get it.''