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tired of the lies ugh
vegasgal777
Posted: Friday, January 13, 2012 10:54 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi.  i am taking care of my mother-in-law, along with my husband/her son.  she has lived with us for the past year and a half.  she is a fully functional and very physically healthy 80 year old.  my husband's siblings, including himself, are estranged from one another because of fights over her physical care and her finances.  she has been diagnosed with cognitive disorder.  is that dementia?  i don't know but the courts have her deemed as incompetent.  so started the fights between family members etc.  she's taking aricept.  when she forgets to take them, she comes up with wild stories.  very wild.  once she gets back on them, you would never know she has any mental problems.  my questions is - can someone with cognitive disorder, or dementia, tell hurtful lies on a regular basis?  she doesn't lie "nice" things just mean things.  all about, you guessed it, me.  she calls her daughter and tells lies about me.  i don't do anything disrespectful to her but she continues to tell lies about me to her daughter and my husband.  she does this on such a regular basis that i am getting so tired of it.  my husband says it's because of her sickness.  i think it's because she is, and probably always was, a mean person who lies.  we have been married for twenty years and rarely saw his mother, on holidays only.  i don't really know her.  i don't know what to do about the lying.  i think she knows that she's lying.  she's right on the money about everything else she talks about.  help please.
rose_ro
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 12:13 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


Has she had an evaluation?

 

These ''stories'' are often common with dementia, and is not - in my opinion - indicative of the ADLO's character.  it is a disease!

 

A specialist can also check things like UTI's, lyme disease, vitamin deficiencies of B or D and / or thyroid problems


Cheryle Gardiner
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 12:17 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 529


vegasgal, welcome to the forum, although we're all sorry for what brings you here. It sounds as if you're having a really difficult time with MIL and don't have much help from family.

There are many on this board with far more experience than I have, and I'm sure someone will be along with better information. In the meantime, here is a link about cognitive disorder that you might want to read: http://cognitivedisorder.net/ 

As far as I can tell, "cognitive disorder" is a kind of general diagnosis when the doctors aren't sure exactly what's wrong. People with dementia frequently confabulate - http://www.memorylossonline.com/glossary/confaybulation.html - as a way to get by in the world. There are many people on this board who care for loved ones on a regular basis, but the LO tells others that they never see them, or they don't feed them - a whole variety of things that aren't true. It's important to remember that she isn't doing this on purpose. Depending on what she's saying about you, she may genuinely believe it to be true. It's important to separate the person from the disease.

If the courts have deemed her incompetent, then you can be sure they didn't do it lightly. They go out of their way to make sure a person isn't considered incompetent for frivolous reasons. I do hope you and your husband have Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney for her. It sounds as if the two of you have the full responsibility. Unfortunately, the alienation of siblings is all too common in caregiving for someone with dementia.

Please read as many of the posts on this forum as you can. Also click on the link at the top for alz.org. The more you read, the better you will be able to manage all of the things you're going through. There is also a 24/7 helpline at 800-272-3900 where trained counselors can answer questions and point you toward resources in your community.

And do come back here and let us know how you are. You can ask any question or vent at any time. We understand and we are here to support you.


EARchat
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 12:21 AM
Joined: 12/17/2011
Posts: 108


Hi ... welcome to these boards ... and boy can I relate to what you are saying ....

 

I care for my MIL who lives with us ... in MIL quarters built on the back of our house ... and yes, I am the "bad guy" ... disrespected, talked about to all the caregivers.  She is curt and short when talking directly to me ... sometimes thankful ... but has "interesting" things to tell the caregivers about me ...

 

It is hard to be the brunt of it all ... and I DO let it bother me ... but I am trying hard to understand how this is more the disease talking than MIL ... but it is hard.

 

I usually tell people "I did NOT sign up for this!"

 

Sometimes I can pity her ... and when that happens, I can let it roll off my back.  Just last night I watched from the other room as she struggled for minutes trying to button ONE button on her jammies.  A well educated, retired school teacher, reduced to sitting in a rocking chair struggling with a button like a three year old ... I felt so sorry for her ...

 

And the caregiver the other day was telling me about how she could not count the money in her purse ... or tell a $5 from a $10 .... yet she insists there is nothing wrong with her and she just wants to go home, live alone and get some projects done (sewing and quilting).

 

It is usually the disease talking when the lies and spread to family.  Does your sister-in-law understand that she is lying about you?  I sure hope so .... but I know how convincing they can sound ... hang in there ... anyway to get her to take her Aricept regularly?  Can you crush it into applesauce or yogurt and give it to her every night?  That is how I make sure my MIL gets her Seroquel.  Without it she is a bear to live with ....

 

You gotta do what you gotta do ...

 

Betty

 


catnap
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:02 AM
Joined: 1/8/2012
Posts: 11


You must be her favorite.  My mom lies about me (when she sees me as caregiver) to me (as her daughter) all the time.  or vice-versa.  This probably doesn't make sense to you.... she sees me as at least 3 different people and tells each one of me a different story about the others... Being I am her sole caregiver, her options are limited... she doesn't say much to my sister.

If we have to take her to emergency room and the personnel there ask her if she is in fear for her life, she usually (convincingly) tells them "Yes... from her." and points at me.  It is very embarrassing for me and I usually tell her "Mom!  One of these times they are going to believe you!  Stop saying that!"  She'll say "It's true."  She thinks she's being funny.


rose_ro
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:13 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


I have seen this with some people, and I've always felt that it was a sign of being very lonely.  Of course, this makes things worse!

 

Really, though, it's the brain.

 

My mom had a great day yesterday.  As we sat at dinner, I watched her turn to my father and say something.  I KNOW when she does it in that way, she's saying something ''odd.'' I asked her what she said.  She said something about how someone told her a man wanted to run away with her and get married.

 

I could never have believed normally, the whole day, that she would say something in that way.  I said, NO, Mom, I told you he enjoyed signing with people because of you

 

She totally changed and lightened up.  My mom doesn't imagine these things, but she does convert what little she remembers.  It was also interesting that she did this at dinner time (sundowning time?)

 

I just wonder what she says about me, from time to time, lol.

 

I know it's embarassing, but if my mother did that, I'd say loudly, MOM, you do not mean that, I take care of you and love you.

 

With my mom, she would then change.  I just would not let it go unchallenged, but I know every one is different (my mom usually tells people how great I am to her, and I pray it never changes)


jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 11:53 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18727


Fully functional and incompetent, hmmmm.

 

My husband was origionally diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Imparement abd he is certainly not fully competent. It would help to know what kind of medical tesst were done and by whom. To give a short answer to your question, anything is possible.

 

You are on a rough road. Fortunately there are a lot of folks here to welcome you and to help make thing smoother.  

 

 


vegasgal777
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 2:59 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


thanks for the response.  yes, she has had an evaluation but not in the presence of my husband nor i.  her oldest daughter was put in charge of her will, assets etc. if my mother-in-law was ever deemed incompetent so when my MIL was found driving on wrong side of the road, lost for the day, the oldest took her to get evaluated.  my MIL was deemed incompetent by the docs and courts and oldest was put in charge of anything and everything that had to do with my MIL.  my MIL was moved into the oldest daughter's home and things fell apart from there - claims of elder abuse, disagreements over how her money will be spent, who already spent her money etc.  my husband's family does not communicate very well with each other and now they are estranged from one another.  it was so ugly.  well, she lived with her oldest for two months, then (because of the fights over who's better to take care of her), her youngest son took her in.  that lasted maybe a month.  then because of more fighting among siblings, the youngest, literally, dropped her off at a walmart parking lot and told my husband to come get her.  that was a year and a half ago and the siblings have not talked since.  so, i don't know what kinds of tests were run.  i only know what the courts have said.  my husband won't attempt any communication with his siblings.  i know he is the physical guardian of her.  the oldest is the power of attorney.  we take her to the docs for appts. for her high blood pressure, vision etc. but her docs, in my presence, have never mentioned her cognitive disorder.  i try not to upset anyone but i am going to ask the doc about it at her next doc appt. in three months.  maybe she knows what tests were done etc.  i know my MIL has changed docs a few times but it's the same practice.  i feel like i'm going about this so blindly.
vegasgal777
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 3:11 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi cheryle.  thanks for responding and the help.  i checked out those website pages and they did help.  i was just getting so tired of being the subject of her lying.  i stay very quiet around the house, take her to her senior center, doc appts and cook for her and i get thrown in the mud lol.  i think i have the solution to alot of my problems.  my husband and i have never sat down with a doc and had him/her tell us that my MIL has cognitive disorder or a specific dementia.  i have left alot of the medical decisions to be made by her son/my husband because i have been blamed in the past for things (nothing major) and i needed it to stop.  but my husband doesn't do things thoroughly.  i still kind of help with suggestions and ideas but it's a thin line.  he has taken the courts ruling (like you said they didn't do it lightly, i know) and never went further with it.  i am totally ignorant on the subject of dementia.  i am here for the ride and it's gotten very bumpy.
vegasgal777
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 3:16 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi betty.  thanks for your reply.  i guess i'm not alone huh?  lol.  thanks for sharing your experience.  there are times i do pity my MIL too but i know the lies are right around the corner.    i am sure it's no fun for my MIL either.  i guess if i knew more about dementia, i might be able to not get so offended.  i never thought i'd spend my forties, and possible my fifties, with my MIL.  ugh. 
vegasgal777
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 3:18 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


thank you catnap.  your reply made me chuckle.  only because i can totally relate.  thank you!  hope the best for you and your mother.
vegasgal777
Posted: Sunday, January 15, 2012 12:09 AM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


thanks, rose.  i hope the best for you and your mom too!
vegasgal777
Posted: Sunday, January 15, 2012 12:19 AM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


thanks for your response, jfkoc.  i don't know a whole lot as far as what tests were done.  i don't know a whole lot about cognitive disorder either.  i realize, from being on this message board, that it's something i need to find out about.  my MIL could of had these behaviors, from cognitive disorder, for awhile before she even moved in with us.  that might be why i think she's the way she always was.  who knows.  it's going to be a long road ahead of us.  i wish my husband's siblings would step in to help but i know that's not likely.  this message board is going to help alot.  thanks again and i hope the best for you and your husband!
jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, January 15, 2012 10:15 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18727


First off let me say that I think you are spot on by letting your husband take the lead.

 

Secondly I think it would help to clear up the legal status of everyone. What kind of responsibility was given by the court? Usually fiscal responsibilty will go to someone and that person IS accountable to not only your MIL but to everyone who is a potential beneficiary of your MIL's estate.

 

It is easy enough to look up court records. I suggest doing so. That way you will know exactly what responsibility your husband has as "physical" custodian as well as the responsibility held by the other siblings.

 

I doubt that it would ever be OK with the court to leave someone ffound to be incompetent in a parking lot to be picked up. 

 

A bit of investigation could be enormously helpful and it is surprising how much can be done via the internet.


vegasgal777
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 1:11 AM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi jfkoc.  i tried doing a little research, on the internet, looking for court records.  i didn't have alot of time so i will get back to it tomorrow.  i know that the eldest daughter is in charge of my MIL's money.  she does have to answer for the whereabouts of MIL's money.  we send her my MIL's bills and they get paid.  without seeing the records, and going by what i hear from my husband/MIL's son, he is in charge of physically taking care of her ONLY.  if we feel, at any time, that MIL needs to go to a nursing home, things would have to be cleared by eldest daughter.  that worries me. it's a mess for sure.  maybe i can find info on internet.  thanks for the suggestions!
Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 2:08 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462


The important thing is that you know the truth. About yourself. Don't let what other people think bother you. Especially if they have dementia/cognitive disorder. They can't help themselves. --Jim
vegasgal777
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 11:30 AM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi, jim.  thanks.  i know someone with dementia can't be held resonsible for their actions or words but darn it if she doesn't remember all other things perfectly.  i'm not kidding.  she will get on the phone with her daughter say something like her and i got into a shouting match/disagreement (never happened), or i locked her out of the house, or i was gone all day, or i had people over for a night of drinking (i haven't touched a drink in years, literally) etc then her daughter will call my husband/her son and want an explanation.  that's when i hear about the lie because my husband comes up to me and tells me.  if you had a conversation with her, you'd never guess that there was a problem (i know otherwise).  the lies seem intentional sometimes.  ok, all the time.  lol.
BenjaminButton
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 4:53 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 40


vegasgal -

 

My MIL lives with us, too, and believe me - she can tell some whoppers!  My MIL isn't what I would call mean-spirited (although she was hell on wheels back in the day).   As silly as it sounds, some eye-opening things that I learned about Dementia is 1.)  my MIL is demented, and her brain doesn't process information the same any more and what it  does process is sometimes hit or miss, and 2.) her brain function is damaged by the disease.  Yes, she's brain damaged.  That put alot of things into perspective for me.    I don't believe she intentionally lies.  (At least most of the time! LOL.) 

 

I also find that if she has an emotional connection with something (anything, good or bad), it factors into the 'stories'.  Example:  She visited with my BIL over New Years.  They had a party and included her in all the festivities.  The next day, the house was rather quiet while they recuperated and cleaned.  So MIL wasn't engaged all day.  When she came back to me, she said she was treated like a prisioner, and where ever she was, they weren't very nice to her or patient with her.  Couldn't be farther from the truth, but because she didn't feel like the center of attention, she was a prisioner.  On normal days, she can't remember basic information for more than a few minutes, but she 'remembers' these unpleasant things with great conviction.

 

Another SIL would give her oatmeal for breakfast a couple of times a week.  MIL ate it and never complained or said 'no, thank you'.  Apparently, she didn't really WANT oatmeal, so she would tell anyone who would listen that SIL mistreated her and fed her oatmeal 3 meals a day.   Completely untrue, but she somehow  believed it.

 

I have no idea what she says about me, although it would probably give me a chuckle.

 

Since your hubby is responsible for her physical care, I think it behooves you to have a complete picture of her medical/mental conditions.  Yes - make it your business to discuss it with her doctors! 

 


jfkoc
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 5:59 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18727


Vegas....I think once you find out exactly what documents exist things can be cleared up. Try getting back to the hearing that declared your MIL incompetant.
vegasgal777
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 10:08 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


thanks so much for your insight and info, benjaminbutton.  i am beginning to see alot of similarities between my experiences and others.  kind of nice.  it's funny, my husband gives my MIL oatmeal every morning with a banana because she was concerned about her cholesterol.  she ate it for nearly a year, spent some time with her daughter and MIL said she's forced to eat the oatmeal every morning.  we never heard any complaints about the oatmeal.  still don't and she's still eating the oatmeal.  lol.  i am definitely going to have a discussion with her doctor regarding her mental health.  we have her physical health squared away. it's time to get clear pic of her mental health.  best wishes to you and your MIL!
vegasgal777
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 10:15 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi jfkoc.  i did find the necessary papers regarding guardianship.  i have to look them over again tomorrow.  it did state that my husband was guardian of her well being, health etc.  i forgot the exact wording.  her eldest is in charge of her finances.  i don't know what the laws are here in this state but it looks like one of MIL's children is in charge of the money and the other is in charge of her physical well-being.  hmm..
g_mcphee
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 11:07 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 10


catnap wrote:

she sees me as at least 3 different people and tells each one of me a different story about the others...

 

 

 My mother see me as three different people and tattles to me about me too. That's interesting that you have the same number of clones.

 



jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 8:50 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18727


The actual wording is important. On 1/14 you say that  the oldest was put in charge of anything/everything. What are the words in the document. Was she given POA or legal guardianship?

 

Who/when was your husband made physical guardian?

 

Who is in charge of all of your MIL finances? Bank accounts etc. Her estate?

 

 

 


Mimi S.
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 9:41 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7035


Hi Vegas gal,

 

I'm a bit late getting into this discussion, but here are my thoughts for you to check out.

 

One sibling may have a financial Power of Attorney and your husband may have her Medical  Power of Attorney. If not, he should have. Whatever paper works needs to be done, he must  do it. He must have access to her medical records.

 

I can't recall if anyone suggested that you and your husband see an Elder Care Attorney. When you make the appointment, they most likely tell you what papers to bring. Otherwise, bring everything. 

 

Three things to check out:

Doraiswamy and Gwyther of Duke Univ., The Alzheimer's Action Plan. Ask at your library

Naomi Feil, The Validation Method. First read everything on the web. Ask your library to order the book.

Jolene Brackey Creating Moments of Joy. She has lots of good tips. Worth the price to purchase. But it's her philosophy that you desperately need right now.

 

Good luck.


vegasgal777
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 10:22 AM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


morning jfkoc.  i did say all that on 1/14.  that was what was told to me by my husband and before i found the court papers.  my husband is a guarded person by nature.  he doesn't like to tell me everything.  that's a whole different message board lol.  the exact wording - "that (my husband's name) be appointed as the guardian of the ward's person. "  then - "that (daughter's name) be appointed as guardian of the ward's estate, with the authority to handle all of the ward's financial concerns."  to me it seems that my husband has the authority to place his mother in a home, if and when it's needed.  he has told me that his sister is the only one who can make that decision.  i am trying to get a clear pic of her mental health and the duties of "physical" guardianship.  thanks, jfkoc!
vegasgal777
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 10:30 AM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi, mimi.  thanks so much for your suggestions.  it's been a long legal process but it's been settled as far as who's responsible for what.  my husband is satisfied with things the way they are.  the problem lies with me lol.  i don't know everything.  my husband's not forthcoming with info so i am throwing my questions out there to see if anyone with experience can offer insight.    thanks for the luck and the same to you!
Cheryle Gardiner
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 10:39 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 529


vegasgal, I would agree with you that it sounds as if your husband has the authority to have her placed and his sister would just pay the bills. Of course, if he doesn't think so, what you and I think doesn't really matter!

However, since it sounds as if you're the one doing most of the hands-on caregiving, I think you may have to have a heart-to-heart talk with him about this. It may be that he just can't face placing his mom - sees it as a failure, or that it's his responsibility to keep her at home. That will be hard for you to deal with, and will require perseverance.

In one of your earlier posts, you stated that "he has taken the courts ruling... and never went further with it."


As guardian of her person, he really can't do that, and I don't think the courts would look approvingly upon it. I don't think you can wait three months for her next doctor's appointment. Can you make an appointment with her doctor and go by yourself to discuss what's going on? Perhaps if the doctor tells him what he needs to do, he'll take it to heart.

You have a hard road - responsibility without authority - and that's going to be hard on your relationship with your husband if he won't listen to you and share information with you. You might also call a therapist for yourself to help you through.


jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:20 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18727


I assumed that you are in Nevada and checked their laws (elder law nevada)

Guardian of the person==responsible for most of the life decisions inc. medical and living arrangements

Guardian of the estate== responsible for the financial affaris

 

both must act in the best interest of the person who I imagine was made a ward of the court assuring all are accountable to the court.

 

You can also look up Nevada Guardianship Assoociation.

 

Interesting and probably close to what would exist in other states.

 

Looks like it is up to your husband to place wherever/whenever  it is appropriate to do so.

 

So back to the initial problem...how do you care for a person with dementia and specifically do they lie.

 

She could be intentionally makeing up stuff but it is very possible that she believes what she says. I know this is hard to understand since there are also times that everything that comes out of her mouth is gospel, but it is true.

 

The short answer as to how to handle this is to let it roll off your back and to educate those who are believing what she says. Yes, it is hard to do but it will come easier as time passes.

 

We are always here for each other so come on back to let off steam, to get info and also to help someone else!!!

 

 


vegasgal777
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 6:28 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi cheryle.  thanks again.  you hit the nail on the head - responsiblity without the authority.  yes, a heart-to-heart is needed.  i will get as clear a picture as i can with the doc and soon.  living with dementia is stressful for all concerned.  i'm sure i'm not the only one who doesn't like it.  how i would love a magic wand though!  a therapist?  probably not a bad idea.    thanks for all your help!
vegasgal777
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 6:32 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


thanks for everything jfkoc.  i appreciate it.  i guess that's that.  i will definitely be around to offer what i can to others.
dj okay
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 8:11 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Welcome, Vegasgal!

 

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this situation.  I know it must seem that your MIL is making up lies about you.  But as someone said, she probably believes what she is saying.  It is very common for a dementia patient to retain SOME facts but to confuse them and add their own "fill-in's" to come up with a complete story.  My mother did this very often in her earlier stages.  It took some detective work to figure out why she would tell the stories she did.  Please try to not take it personally.

 

One of the books Mimi recommended was Creating Moments of Joy.  I'd just like to comment on that.  You may not feel particularly inclined to create joy in your MIL's life due to the lies she tells about you.  But if you can make those moments happen, it can slowly change her attitude about you and just in general.  In other words, if she's happy, those around her will benefit from her enhanced emotional state.  I found the book very helpful.

 

There are tons of books and articles out there on dementia and related subjects.  The folks on this forum can help direct you to those that will be of most benefit.

 

I hope you'll find lots of great support here and stay and offer your own wisdom.  I'm sure after a year and a half, you've learned more than you realize.


yy
Posted: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 8:05 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 13


hi, vegasga

 

 

Very sorry to hear your story.  I knew you will get many useful information you needed.

 

 

like jfkoc said it ---  fully functional and incompetent.....

 

 

i know your situation made you so not easy.

 

I tell you a little story let you know it is TRUE they really not knew they were lying because they so believed they were told the true story but really not TRUE at all, and for other people is so hurt!!!!!

 

 

I went to CA to my nephew's wedding few years ago.  My FIL asked me to see his sister. ( at that time we lived in 3 different states)

 

 

We met at the wedding because my sister knew them too ( FIL's sister), so they ( this sister and her husband) were invited to the wedding.

 

 

this AUNT and her husband arranged at other table at the begining, later my sister moved them to my table and BESIDE me, so we can talk.

 

I went home told all things to my DH.

 

one week later, my FIL called, told my DH that  his sister ( my DH 's aunt) were invited but not go to the wedding because they cannot drive. ......

My DH stun!  Asked me what's going on......

 

i had no idea what's going on...... BUT i have the PROOF......the photograph.....

 

We sat together, group with other pictures together..........

 

so ,you see?  This issue not hurt me, but just let you know they are really???????

SIGH  SIGH


jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 8:23 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18727


I think your husband has a lot of authority since he is in charge taking care of all medical and seeing that his mother is placed where it is in her best interest.

 

If you have time Google Naomi Feil.  What she teaches may be a big help in caring for your MIL. Please let me know what you think.

 

 


agof87z
Posted: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 10:01 AM
Joined: 12/6/2011
Posts: 25


I'm guessing you are the primary one that is taking care of her.  As hurtful as it feels, she is more than likely have delusions/hallucinations and because you are constantly on her mind, you are the main character in her delusions/hallucinations. 

 

 My husband and I care for my mother who lives with us.  She actually has Alzheimer's.  I have two sisters; one has not contacted my mom in two years and had very little contact with her prior to that. The other sister has very little contact with her and only speaks to her when my mother calls her or when my sister decides to come to my house for holidays. 

 

Anyway, my mom constantly accuses my husband and I of trying to kill her or steal her money or some sort of thing.  She calls her brother, my sister and anyone else that will listen to tell them.  My sisters are up on pedastals in her opinion and are only avoiding her because, according to her, we told them we would kill her if they contacted her. 

 

It isn't easy and even if you ever truly get it in your head, it is hard for your heart not to still have problems with this but....she probably actually thinks of you often and therefore when she has delusions your included for better or worse.  Unfortunately, it is usually for worse.  So sorry you are going through this.  It is not an easy thing to deal with.


vegasgal777
Posted: Wednesday, January 18, 2012 12:53 PM
Joined: 1/13/2012
Posts: 41


hi dj.  thanks for your suggestions and encouragement.  i am beginning to realize that the lies told by my MIL are bits and pieces of what she's trying to compute in her brain.  i can see that.  and i guess since i'm someone she sees often, i will be the target lol.  i'm sure this will sound bad but in regards to the book recommendation, i'm not there yet, you know?  i'm sure one day i will have the desire to make things rosy but i'm still adjusting to the unexpected, time-consuming, "it-stinks-getting-old", "i-have-to-do-what?" things that comes with caring for someone with dementia.  i know i'm not saying anything that you all don't know already.    maybe i'm in the "angry" phase now.  who knows?  i was probably in the denial phase for the past year and a half (i'm slow i guess lol).  thanks again dj and i will definitely offer my help where i can!