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Why are people so insensitive? :(
SadinHeart
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 10:21 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 403


I get a call today from my cousin that lives close to mom. She has not seen my mom sinceJuly that I took her to her house. They never made the effort to come see her and now that she is close by she goes to see her a month later.

 

She tells me that she was shocked to see how much my mom has declined and that "we", meaning my brothers and I, need to get ready because mom does not have long to live.

 

I know it, I am not oblivious to reality, but what a way to tell someone something so painful.

 

I started to cry, but thankfully she kept talking on and on about that and other things, so I was able to get myself together and not let her hear my voice cracking. I am sure if she would have heard me crying she would have then given me the "accept it speech". I dont need it and I dont want it.

 

I have accepted that my mom is not going to live much longer and I pray to God that is the case because I hate to see her the way she is, but that was so insensitive. I would never say that to anyone. For God's sake I lost my dad less than a year ago, at least let me live the moments I have left with my mom without thinking of her death!!!

 

Just had to vent. All of you understand. Thank you.


Cheryle Gardiner
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 10:25 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 529


Oh, Sad, I'm sorry! Why are there so many family/friends who only hurt us with their good intentions?

Maybe you'd feel better if you sat down and wrote a note or email to your cousin and tell her how you feel. You don't even have to send it if you think it would cause trouble, but at least you'd be able to express it. And if you do send it, maybe it will wake her up to other people's reality.

Sure, we all know how this is going to end, but we need to enjoy the days we have. I send you (((((( HUGS ))))))
King Boo
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 11:15 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3090


I am sorry that her words were so cruel (however unknowingly).  People who don't walk this are from other planets.

A co-worker once said to me "Your Dad's demented?  Put him in the cheapest place possible." 

You are a wonderful person to want to cherish every moment with your Mom, both the good and the bad.


Because she's my mom!
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 11:38 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 737


Oh, Sad, I am so sorry you had to hear her hurtful words. Some people can just be such thoughtless jerks!

I have one of those in our family too. At my beloved dad's memorial service, my very overweight cousin, whom I had not seen in several years, greeted me with :

"My , you've gained weight!"

Big hugs to you.


rose_ro
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 11:41 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


I'm so sorry you heard all that, I know it cuts to the heart.

 

I've learned every family member thinks they know it all.  Annoying and hurtful.

 

I also learned my phone has a ''disconnect'' button on it, and i use it when people are such morons.  Some of the most hurtful things in this journey have been the comments of others, things I could never ever imagine.


eloquentsolution1
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 12:32 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 108


so sorry, but i know what you mean....  people everywhere just have no idea of the pain they cause with words.....  i feel you, sister!
Raven
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 12:57 PM
Joined: 1/21/2012
Posts: 28


I'm so sorry Sweetie ,,,that your relative is about as sensitive as a "box of rocks" when it comes to expressing themself and giving you "their" opinion of the situation.

 

Should you speak to this relative again anytime soon,,and should this very relative decide once again to give you advice that you've not asked for,,,,simply and firmly state to this knucklehead who is oblivious to any type of sensitivity,,,that you don't need to hear this,,your'e not ignorant,,and you want to have your Mother for as long as God will allow. Then hang the damned phone up!!

 

Nobody knows what its like to have a family member that has AD,,,nobody knows what its like to watch a once vibrant intelligent and active contributing person,,,,,become a shell  of what they used to be like. Oh,,and when they do pass,,yes,,,its a blessing,,,most especially if they were suffering,,, but its still heartbreaking to those of us that they leave behind.

 

I wish you strength to get thru all that lies ahead of you,,with your beloved Mom,,,enjoy what you can,,,keep the good memories,,and relish whatever time is left with her. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Peace


tajmom
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 1:50 PM
Joined: 1/24/2012
Posts: 12


Im sorry to see you going thru this. Its very hard to see them deteriorate and  you just want them to be at peace. I want my granmother with me as long as possible. People just dont know what is involved in this when they just pop in like that. It is so much more than their appearances. Keep ypur head up. One day at a time. That is how im doing it. God Bless you
rolo
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 2:32 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 25


People just see want they want to see. I keep my family members updated weekly...but they will never know the full spectrum of this ugly disease unless they are around it 24/7. Caregiving is the ultimate sacrifice for a loved one and we take one day at a time to get through each day. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to do this and we can only hope that people that come around once in awhile will think hard before they speak of things they could possibly not know anything about. They should be showing the utmost respect and gratitude for the ones who have stepped up to take this on and care for their loved one. Bless us all !!!
Waiting for a cure
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 3:15 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 295


oh, SadinHeart, I'm sorry the cousin was so insensitive.  Why do some people feel compelled to tell others "how it is" relentlessly and needlessly?  And with what you already went through with your Dad....Does cousin really think you need this reminder about your mom?  You're kind not to call back and let the words fly after the tears subside.

 

Telling you be be ready does absolutely NOTHING to help and only hurts.  Wouldn't it be nice if people who alleged to be trying to help would start actually helping?  Like, running errands so we could be with our LOs, bringing us meals so there's not that just one more thing to do....  

 

 


KML
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 4:20 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


This is just alot of the gibberish some people feel compelled to say, because they have nothing else to offer.  Instead of just saying, I'm so sorry, I care and let me know if there is anything I can do for you, they say dumb stuff, like "get ready".  There is no ready, there may be anticipation, there may be preparation, but there is no ready.  No one is ever ready for the death of a loved one.

 

Sorry, you had to listen to your cousin.  Sometimes realizing a person is ignorant either by circumstance or choice, makes it roll off a little easier, but not always when you are already feeling vulnerable. 


DagNabIt
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 4:54 PM
Joined: 1/3/2012
Posts: 44


I'm sorry that you had to get that kind of reaction from a family member.  I am always at odds with people's strange reactions to painful situations.  You have so much on your plate right now, try not to let that get to you.  

At the end of the day I  try to say a prayer asking for  help to let me go of these feelings because I don't want them to drag me down an even darker hole than the one I am in now.  I try to remind myself that anger at other people will get in the way of my love for my mom who is suffering right now.


Angela65
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012 5:01 PM
Joined: 12/20/2011
Posts: 276


Sadinheart, SO SORRY , I dont think people always think about what they are saying . GOOD LUCK. (((((HUGS))))