RSS Feed Print
why am I not crying all the time after just losing my daddy
one daughter
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 11:56 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980


I'm don't know what I'm feeling. I was always Daddy's little girl & he was my hero. I thought the world of my daddy. He meant everything to me. I feel like I should crying all the time. I cry every day since he passed on Monday. But it comes & goes. My husband said that it's because I'm still in shock. He said it's because right now there's so much planning 2 do & we've been so busy. He called me in a prescription of Atavan for after the funeral. My brother agrees w/him, that I will need it. I know my heart sure is heavy & it hurts.
Unforgiven
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 12:16 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2615


Is this the first close family member you have lost?  People handle grief differently, but even at the worst of it, you don't cry all the time.  I lost my sister in an auto accident at the age of 21, and it was the worst emotional pain I have ever felt, before or since, but thank goodness it wasn't unrelenting.  Expect to feel like you're wlking through a fog for the next six months to a year.  Then it will begin to let up.

 

When I lost my sister, I had to be strong for my parents.  When my father died, I had to be the strong one for my mother.  The initial numbness is a good thing.  Otherwise it would hurt too much.


one daughter
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 1:00 PM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980


Unforgiven, yes this is the 1st closest family I have ever lost. See my dad & mom are my life, cause I have no children, that's why they are my world. Now I just have my mom left. I do have my husband, but that's an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE.
Unforgiven
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 1:10 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2615


one daughter wrote:
Unforgiven, yes this is the 1st closest family I have ever lost. See my dad & mom are my life, cause I have no children, that's why they are my world. Now I just have my mom left. I do have my husband, but that's an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE.
I'm sorry for the loss and for the fact that the first experience with deep grief is the worst.  It's a long, lonesome valley, and you walk it alone.  But trust me, you'll come out on the other side.

jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 1:12 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17553


You will cry when you need to cry. Do not be concerned and do not think you have to take the Ativan. You are going to grieve your own way.
Mom's Baby
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 1:27 PM
Joined: 12/19/2011
Posts: 1146


I was always very close to my dad (and mom), as a late-in-life child who was basically raised like an only child (although I have 4 siblings.)  I knew my parents were older than the parents of other kids my age, and I knew they might not be around as long. That sounds sad, but on the bright side, I think it made me cherish them more than my siblings did. 


I thought when either one of my parents passed, I would be a total basket case, curled into the fetal position somewhere bawling my eyes out for days on end. But when my dad passed in April 2010, that's not what happened. I was indeed extremely sad and sorrowful, but I had to worry about my mom (already diagnosed with dementia at that point), the funeral details,etc. 

I think that no matter how old a person is or how ill, there is always a shock associated with losing a loved one. And I think it's out of necessity. It's that numbness that allows us to carry on and do the things we have to do. 

I will always grieve for my dad....just once in a while, not constantly. I'll be at church and that will choke me up. Or I will remember a certain occasion we were together or one of his mannerisms, and I'll have a little cry. But I think that's healthy.

Life goes on and so must we. My condolences to you in this very difficult time. I've been there. 


lindalouky
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 2:18 PM
Joined: 2/18/2013
Posts: 249


My story is much like Mom's Baby.  I was a late-in-life adopted only child.  My Dad absolutely doted on me.  He was the best ever person in the world.  At his funeral, the son of a man he had worked with 50 years before came to show his respects.  This man is now a high-powered, well-respected attorney in our city (I am a lowly public defender, but I recognized his name when he said it and almost fell over).  He told me that his Dad told him all his life to live like my Dad--honest, caring, generous, deserve everything you earn.  Dad was just a spectacular human being.

 

My Mom, on the other hand, has always been incredibly selfish and immature.  She has never cared how her actions impact others and has never given a crap about anyone but herself.  She is actually an easier personality now with AD than she ever was without it.  Dad cared for her and her mental illness for practically their entire marriage.  I never had time to mourn Dad, who died last April.  I never had a chance because I immediately became responsible for Mom.  She now lives with us. 

 

Caring for her keeps me close to Dad.  I am doing for her what he would have done and I feel close to him through caring for her.  I cry occasionally, but like Mom's Baby said, it's usually at church (Dad was so faithful).  I got really weepy at the Stations of the Cross last week because Dad and I always went together when I was a kid.  It's the little things, like Dad missing my son's birthday yesterday.  Sigh.  I will never get over not having him here, but I look forward to the day when I get to see him again in heaven. I can't wait for him to tell me he's proud of me for taking care of Mom.

 

My condolences on the loss of your Daddy.  Hang in there. 


Mom's Baby
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 3:13 PM
Joined: 12/19/2011
Posts: 1146


lindalouky wrote:

 I got really weepy at the Stations of the Cross last week because Dad and I always went together when I was a kid.  It's the little things, like Dad missing my son's birthday yesterday.  Sigh.  I will never get over not having him here, but I look forward to the day when I get to see him again in heaven. I can't wait for him to tell me he's proud of me for taking care of Mom.

 

Linda, my dad took me to Stations of the Cross when I was little too. There was a time when my parents were tight on money, and my mom--always a farmer's wife/housewife--took a job outside the home working 2nd shift in a factory. During that time, Dad took us to Stations every Friday and had to make dinner every night. (My older brother--9 years older--was still at home at the time). He and I still laugh about the horrible meals Dad threw together. 

There are still times when I feel like I have forgotten to do something and it almost always ends up being that I subconsciously think I should call Dad to check in and then realize I can't anymore. And it's almost been 3 years. 

sherijill
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 7:40 PM
Joined: 1/14/2013
Posts: 607


one daughter wrote:
I'm don't know what I'm feeling. I was always Daddy's little girl & he was my hero. I thought the world of my daddy. He meant everything to me. I feel like I should crying all the time. I cry every day since he passed on Monday. But it comes & goes. My husband said that it's because I'm still in shock. He said it's because right now there's so much planning 2 do & we've been so busy. He called me in a prescription of Atavan for after the funeral. My brother agrees w/him, that I will need it. I know my heart sure is heavy & it hurts.

As everyone has said, there is no right way to grieve, and whatever path you take through your grief, is the right one for you.  You are worried about your mom and dealing with the logistics of that.  That is a BIG ONE, and also something to occupy your brain, and as your husband said, you are in shock.  Keep coming here for comfort, see how many of us are following how you are doing in the short time you have been on the forum.  Keep talking to us....


BJJ2012
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 9:53 PM
Joined: 1/16/2013
Posts: 126


When you are caring for a LO with any dementia you know (but don't really acknowledge) their death every day.  As each part of them dies you grieve for the loss.  Over time you have affectively been through the whole grieving process. Then,  when the event becomes final you already have been through years of grieve and loss so there isn't much left to grieve over.  It doesn't mean you don't care, it just means you have reached the last stage of grief.

 

Prayers for you and your family as you come to grips with this last good-bye.


Tomc5592
Posted: Thursday, March 7, 2013 11:47 PM
Joined: 11/17/2012
Posts: 1203


You have a lot going on with his unexpected passing and concern about mom. I hope you get lots of support right now.

 

Hang in there.


jenm
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 1:05 AM
Joined: 2/4/2013
Posts: 303


One daughter, my dad died after a truly awful illness. When it first happened, I was sad, but mostly angry at having lost him because he meant the world to me. (I was also much younger then, and just getting to know him from an adult perspective, and then he was taken away.)

I echo those in this thread who have said that not all of us are the type to cry when grieving. I didn't, after the initial shock of losing my dad wore off. But I can say that, in nearly 15 years, there is not a day that I don't miss him. And now that I am losing my mother by inches, I find myself grieving his loss even more. But I have also found comfort in the memories of him that I have stored in my heart.

I am glad that your husband is there to support you; being surrounded by loved ones at a time like this can be very healing. And I guess we're here for you, too.


KML
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 12:20 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


It's diferent for everyone because everyone's experience is so different
pq
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 1:02 PM
Joined: 2/21/2013
Posts: 190


one daughter, however you're feeling now?  that's the right way to feel.  feelings are not innately right are wrong, they just ARE.  some people cry all the time, some people don't break down until a year or more has passed.  however you react, however you cope, that is what is right for YOU.

 

many many (((((hugs))))) to you, daughter.  i'm so sorry for your loss.


dutiful deb
Posted: Friday, March 8, 2013 1:29 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1856


I was a daddy's girl, too.  When he died, it was very hard. I didn't break down because I had too much to do and had to keep strong for my mom. Later, however, I had my time of grief, and the tears would come at odd times, and usually during my private, quiet moments. For some reason I would go take shower, and just stand there sobbing. Nobody to question, nobody to offer advice or awkard comfort, nobody but me and God to see my tears.

 

 


one daughter
Posted: Saturday, March 9, 2013 12:22 AM
Joined: 1/30/2013
Posts: 1980


Dutifuldeb, I'm so busy taking care of my mom w/ALZ. she doesn't even know. God bless her heart. Plus the little things disconnect internet, changing to basic cable, changing 2 basic phone service. It's 2 much