RSS Feed Print
Why are they so clueless and selfish
punkie228
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 4:11 PM
Joined: 10/22/2016
Posts: 81


This is just a need to vent.  Today is the rare day when I could really use  a little help, I woke up sick today  I have a fever and feel like sleeping all day.  I am trying to stay away from Mom.  My sister who lives 2 doors up was taking Mom to lunch today Yeah... When they returned I was sleeping and came out of the bedroom my husband works weekends sometimes and this is one of those weekend so I am essentially alone today with Mom.

My sister asked how I was feeling I told her not real good I still have a fever but hopefully its only a 24 hour thing....she turned to head out the door  saying this as she left  " gotta go get my hair done hope you feel better tomorrow"  and left me with my Mom who is in late moderate stage ALZ....she just left......  I don't ask a lot from my 3 sisters when it comes to my Mom but really I am sick and she can't help.....Am I wrong to feel angry?


BethL
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 5:01 PM
Joined: 3/25/2015
Posts: 588


Sometimes you have to ask. Don't expect her to offer. She may be clueless, she may be selfish, she may be both. Just ask instead of thinking she can read your mind.

Sorry you are ill and facing caregiving when you feel awful. 


whatsupbuttercup
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 5:39 PM
Joined: 1/14/2018
Posts: 1


As a sister that is not the main caregiver, I can tell you that sometimes I feel like an outsider. My sister moved in my parents house to take care of my mom and now my childhood home feels more like her home. I feel like a guest when I go over because they have their own routine. I am never sure what she needs help with and when I ask she usually says “we’re fine”. I buy diapers and Ensure by the cases and drop them off when they neede more just because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t exactly know what she needs from me. I work full time, five days a week so I try to go by at least 3 times a week on my way home and I always call and ask if they need me to pick anything up. I have stayed with mom while her and her husband have gone out and I spent the night when her husband was ill, yet when she posts something she acts as if she is completely alone in this battle.. I understand that I am not there 24/7 so I don’t go through everything that she does . All of that to say....just ask, let her know what you truely need.
Strawberry
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 5:48 PM
Joined: 5/7/2017
Posts: 7


Hi! You're not wrong to be upset, and you can't help how you feel! 

I agree with the posters who mentioned asking for help. That's always a good first step.

But I totally understand! I guess we're the ones who stepped up as primary caregiver, however, it's just baffling when you interact with others who seemingly don't give a second thought to simple courtesies, or acknowledge that you've given up a lot of yourself to assist a shared family member. You wonder how it can't even cross their mind to offer help once and a while? I get it.

I've just concluded that some people aren't wired that way. 


Dahlke
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 5:58 PM
Joined: 7/6/2014
Posts: 1348


NO

But don't be shy about also venting to your sister.  It may or MAY NOT sink in.  Unfortunately it is one of those things that rolls off the heads of some  

It is a sad and sorry state of affairs--- some of us are cut out to be caring and caretakers.    OTHERS DO NOT HAVE A ******* CLUE.  
HUGS
Dahlke (Cynthia)   
 

 


JWill
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 6:45 PM
Joined: 1/11/2018
Posts: 12


I will reply and tell you my story,  my sister works and is married and lives 25 minutes away from mom. So, if it was only her, then she would have no choice to put mom in 24hr care.

I am single and own my own business so I can do more for mom.

I feel "luckier" than you because I tell my sister to please NOT worry about things and that I don't want her to "go overboard" helping mom when I can do it.

My sis visits mom on one of the 2 weekend days (either SAT or SUN) and that is fine with me. The difference is, mom still lives alone, and I don't live with mom, nor do I have to do the "24hr full time care" like you are doing.

I could never do that like you are doing and you are one incredible person for doing it. 

 When my mom can't stay at home any longer and needs more care, then I will have to put her in a facility.

Obviously I don't know your circumstances, but the only reason I could think of that the others are "leaving it all up to you" is that maybe you are getting your mom's SS check since she lives with you, and your sisters think you are "making money" so they don't help.

When in reality the 24hr care you are giving is worth 50 times more than a small monthly SS check! 

But like I say I don't know your circumstances, so I have no clue why they'd not help their own mother and put the whole burden on you.

My brother and I were estranged and he would leave if I went to mom's, so I let him take care of her last year by himself and he went insane and is no longer with us.

Please don't let this get to the point that it causes you severe mental trauma before you decide another option for your mom is best.

 


Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 8:10 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10197


Communication, non-threatening, is a very good thing to have going.   Perhaps when sister asked how you were feeling and mentioned her hair appointment, one could have responded, "I am sorry to have to ask this, but I am feeling so very sick and am running a fever; I cannot manage Mom at this time; do you feel you can change your hair appointment to help with Mom today?  I would really appreciated that."

If we do not ask and do not communicate fully what is at hand, the other person cannot read our mind.   Then if she refuses . . . . . well!  It is sometimes very hard to ask for help, but it is worth a try.

J.


Pam14
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 9:15 PM
Joined: 5/30/2014
Posts: 555


Punkie - Jo made some good points as well as many others.  Except I know so well what it's like to have a sibling who is so self-centered, he just plain didn't care if I was sick, just had surgery, or whatever my circumstances were.  I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your sister or if she's as self-centered as my brother is.  If that is the problem - where your sister is so self-centered that nothing you say will help - only add fuel to the fire - then you have to find a caregiver who can come in & provide assistance so you can get well & get respite when you need it.  It just depends upon how your sister truly is.  My take on things is just the mere fact that you told her that you were running a fever, that alone should have been enough to tip her off that she needed to step up & give you a break - if for no other reason but to think of your mom's health - exposing your mom to what you have.  Sometimes silence speaks for itself.  PLEASE do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself right now.  There's no way you can care for your mom if you're sick.  Prayers being said for you ...
punkie228
Posted: Monday, January 15, 2018 10:59 PM
Joined: 10/22/2016
Posts: 81


Thanks to all who validated my feelings. I am feeling better and to be honest my Mom sensed my discomfort and was very focused on making sure I was good all evening until my Husband came home.  My frustration is that my sisters are not good helpers..they are self centered and do not know how to focus on Mom.  For example 2 weeks ago was a particularly bad day with Mom I texted my sister who lives 2 doors up the street and asked if she could come help perhaps a different person could refocus mom.  She relied "sorry headed for a nap I will text after I get up and see how things are going."  she never texted.  We have a very dysfunctional family and when my Dad died 4 years ago and Mom was diagnosed with ALZ   it just fell to pieces.  To quote my oldest sister..you asked Mom and Dad to live with you ...this is what you get .  All three are limited in their ability to deal with Mom..Oldest sister will not be alone with Mom..youngest sister just complains how hard and horrible a time it is every time she has to take care of Mom and the middle sister will take care of Mom on the weekends  if we give her plenty of notice ...they have all indicated we just need to understand they have busy lives and can't just drop things to help with Mom...so yes they are self centered, yes I could have guilted her into staying when I was sick..she would have rolled her eyes and created an emotional environment which would have agitated my Mom...so I choose to only ask for help if I have no other options.. As far as getting my Moms ss check  no we bank my Mom's money incase there comes a time when we are not capable of taking care of her needs  In Missouri I need to prove we have 18 months of funds to get my Mom into a good memory care facility and we are working on insuring we get to that level of savings....No there will be no help financially from the others...it is sad but as several of you said some people are not givers..but being a giver in a family of takers really sucks
bela
Posted: Tuesday, January 16, 2018 3:13 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4105


Those low cost box of surgical masks are great to have on hand for the unexpected illnesses couple with all the preventative measures, washig hands, covering a cough, 

I hear you....a nap? I totally get it but won't bore everyone with the details.

Take care,  fingers crossed.

 

 


His Daughter
Posted: Wednesday, January 17, 2018 11:12 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2273


Punkie, I sure hope you feel better soon.  And as always, great replies from everyone.  So here's my two cents.  Are you wrong to feel angry? Not at all.  For heaven's sake,  WHO hasn't experienced a fever and feeling sick?  I'm sure your sister certainly has. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that feeling. It's actually takes a very small level of human empathy.  The bottom line is, she just didn't care you were sick.  Didn't care mom shouldn't be around you.  And wanted to get to her hair appointment.  

Sorry Punkie, a sister shouldn't act like this.  All I can offer is that you being angry, won't help you, or change who she is.  What always helped me cope, was mocking and laughing at these self centered people.  Good Lord, was your sister raised in a barn?   Hopefully Karma will bite her someday.  


kellly
Posted: Wednesday, January 17, 2018 11:49 AM
Joined: 6/12/2015
Posts: 1131


Punkie, the next time the napping sister needs/wants something from you, give her the old excuse for not wanting to go out on a date with someone, "I'd like to but I have to wash my hair", or I heard an even better one, "I have to vacuum".  HAHAHAHAHA