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How do I move Mom?
alli
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 8:38 AM
Joined: 12/29/2011
Posts: 3


This is my first post.  My mother is between Stage 6 and 7 at this point and we are waiting for a room to open up at the place I found for her to live out the rest of her life.  My father has been with her in an assisted living facility since April but this is not working out.  This past 8 months has been very hard and the rapid decline so unexpected. 

My mother is gone and the person that remains is mean and confused.  My father turned out not to be the person I thought he was and I'm learning to deal with that.  Turns out, he is a taker and not a giver. How can someone be married for 56 years and show so much disgust at the person he loved? 

I know he is angry at her for leaving him because she took care of him and now he is turning to me.  He will move in with my family shortly.  Thankfully, my husband and son are so loving and tolerant.  I have to selfishly say, this was not the way I expected the time when my son was going off to college to be but I will be 50 in January and have many years ahead of me.  I'm scared of this new situation. 

My dad calls me daily with updates and sometimes threats which break my heart.  My only sibling has nothing to do with my parents so this is all on me.  Anyone out there have advice on the day that I (of course not my Dad) take my Mom to her new home?  I know what I have to do but I nervous about it.  I'm so scared and sad.


MLB61
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 9:15 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Welcome Alli -- I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us. You have a lot on your plate right now.  Have you called the Alz Assoc. 24/7 Helpline to talk with someone about your situation?  The number is 800-272-3900. They might be able to help you sort out some of the issues you are dealing with.

 

In terms of moving your mom, if she is 6-7, then therapeutic fibs are probably your best bet.  I moved my parents from one memory care facility to another by telling them their unit was being painted.  They settled in within days.  It's a little tougher with your folks because you are only moving one.  Maybe you can tell your mother that the doctor wants her to move "temporarily" so she can get some "extra" care.

 

As for your dad, are you sure you need to take him into your home?  He sounds like a lot to handle.  Be sure to know that it will affect all members of your family...   

Good luck.  Come back often.  There are a lot of others that will give you great suggestions and information.


MacyRose
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 11:54 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3935


alli, I don't think you should allow your father to move in with you.  I am afraid that he is going to take over your life and you will not have a moments peace and it is VERY hard to get your father out of your house once you have allowed him to move in.  Even doing something as simple as going grocery shopping could turn into an ordeal for you. 

 

I can't tell the actual nature of the threats he is making from your post, but if he is threatening suicide, then he needs to be on antidepressants and depending on how bad his depression is, he either needs hospitalization until stabilized or he needs to be be under a psychiatrist's care. 

 

Why is the assisted living not working out for him? 


Grassflower
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 1:04 PM
Joined: 12/19/2011
Posts: 56


Your mom's far enough along that you don't need to dream up an elaborate explanation.

 

Just say "we're staying here tonight" as you go to her new room and leave it at that. She'll be confused but that's nothing you can fix with explanations or loving lies.

 

You also said she's mean - confusion can't be "fixed" but "mean" often can, with the right meds.

 

Is she on any psychiatric meds at all?  Antidepressant, antipsychotic, anything?

 

And I hate to say it - but your dad sounds like he may have some cognitive issues himself. Personality change, threats?  Total lack of empathy is a heads-up that all's not right, if previously he was a loving and concerned person.

 

(Plus - you said yourself she's nasty - so I'm not sure why you expect him to just accept that, when you yourself are having such a hard time with her personality change.)


Sheryl726
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 3:44 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 521


Alli,

 

Welcome to alz.org

 

You will find that there are many opinions here as we are all on this journey of alz and get and take advice when needed. 

 

The way that you want to handle this is your own choices but make sure you have thought out all options.

 

At the stage your mother is she will relocate as well as you can expect someone with dementia to.

 

Theraputic lies and gentle voice will go far in that area.  The people where she is going and where she is should be able to oil your way as they have much more experience in this moving issue.

 

Is your dad not happy in the ALF he is in?  Would seem that he should have been able to make friends and contacts that would be fun for him.  It is well that your husband and sons are easy going but do not sacrifice your own order and happiness in order to accomadate a difficult personality.

 

Good luck in this move and let us help you with support from those that are doing the same things you are.

 

Hugs and come often.

 

Sheryl


Joycem684
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 5:05 PM
Joined: 12/28/2011
Posts: 114


Hi Alli,

 

  Sorry this is in your lap at what should be such an exciting time as your son gets ready for college.  I wound up with my MIL(alz stage 5-6 at that time) living with us after an auto accident disabled her husband/caregiver last Thanksgiving.  My 3 teenagers were as good about it as could be, but basically disappeared to friends houses, which was understandable but very not OK with my husband and me.  We eventually  wound up placing her in a dementia assisted living, with her husband in and independent apt. in the same continuing care community.  She was not happy, but wasn't happy at my house either.  The time she spent with us (7 weeks) was the most stressful and uncomfortable time our family ever had.

 

So if I were you I would definitely look for alternatives to your father moving in.  Think about what you would want your children/grandchildren to do (or not do) for you if they were in your shoes, which may happen someday.

 

When we took MIL to her new place, we had her room ready, and I took her to get her hair done, which she always enjoyed, then her new place.  While she was engaged with a staff member I told her she would be staying there for a while until her husband was feeling better, and she was feeling stronger and less dizzy, and that I would be by soon.  (My husband or I visit almost daily) It took about 6 weeks for her to adjust.  She also had a rapid decline the past couple months and we just moved her to skilled nursing and brought in hospice. 

 

There are no perfect solutions in this broken world.  My inlaw's pastor told us to make the decisions we had to make and sometimes you have to "sin boldly" and rely on grace.  I will pray for you to have the wisdom you need and for peace.

So hard to balance the commitment to love and honor your parents, with the even more important commitment to care for your husband and son.

 

With Love and Prayers..Joyce

 

 


NoPeeps
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 5:20 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 281


I agree with MacyRose.  Try and place your Dad as well, or leave him where he is.  He sounds like he is not completely "with it".  When elderly people suffer from dementia they become narcissistic.  That may be why he seems uncaring. 

 

Do not bring him to your home if you can get him care elsewhere.  Some of us have been in similar positions to yours; gather the wisdom from all these folks. 

I wish you good luck....  you have a lot on your plate right now.


dms
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 6:01 PM
Joined: 12/24/2011
Posts: 40


   I am very sorry you are in this situation with "both " your parents, it's hard enough with one.... I am going to be very frank with you as others have been with me..... Don't take your father in with you.  His care will consure your every free minute and you and your family will suffer ,, not him.

 

I have learned from this site that you can't let this disease take control of our life too...  I am placing my mother in a dementia uniit after having her live with my husband and me for the past 6 years... it almost destroyed our marriage and I am glad I finally realized that I can't do it anymore... I can take care of my mother  even when she is at her new home... it's going to be a hard move but very necessary

 

my prayers are with you for strength thru this hard time

take care

dms


gadaughter
Posted: Thursday, December 29, 2011 8:05 PM
Joined: 12/6/2011
Posts: 71


My advice - do not allow your dad to move in with you.  If he feels that he can't live alone, encourage him to stay in an assisted living facility.  It will be easier when your mom is in the proper place, however, she will still need you.  And, the facility will call you, sometimes at all hours of the night, when they need help with your mom.  My dad was in a nursing home for 4 years and many times we were called to assist.  During the last 6 months, he required around the clock care from family and staff we hired.  So you will need a peaceful home to come to and recharge, not another stressful place to endure.
bela
Posted: Friday, December 30, 2011 3:02 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4105


I am giving the same advice as many others have given; do not move your father in with your family.  He is already in assisted living, let that continue.  I guess what we might be saying is don't rock the boat that is floating nicely.  I am curious as to why your sibling has nothing to do with your parents?  My only sibling rarely if ever contacted my mother.  Now, after 2 years in a skilled nursing facility and about stage 7 with severe memory problems my sister is sending cards.  She took 32k from my mom and managed to send my mom a pair of socks for Christmas.  I explained to my sister mom does not know what an envelope is and can't read; can't understand. My sister was too late.  She should have been communicating with my mom from the get-go.  In 4 years sister has never visiting my mother but "we miss you so much."  BS.  They go to Mexico to their home there; to Seattle to see her husbands son...sorry.  I got side tracked. I don't understand how children can ignore their parents.  Do you have an explanation?  

I am sorry you are going through this alone.  I am here if you want to continue this conversation.  I will check back tomorrow.


alli
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 7:00 AM
Joined: 12/29/2011
Posts: 3


MLB61,

 

Thank you for the information.  I can't remember what I was listenting to, but last week heard a story about a truck driver who told his wife he was going out on a job and his spouse with altzheimers needed to go help out another family while he was gone and he would come back when his drive was over.  I guess it's easier when you can relate the fib to something that was going on in your life for years.  I've been thinking about what I will say to her but the words don't come. 

 

My daughter, grand daughter, in laws and parents were at my house yesterday.  We had a lovely day but it was all about certain people getting to see my mom for the last time and saying goodbye.  My in laws live in NH and daugher in CO.  Just in this past week, my mom has forgotten who my husband is.  She didn't remember my in laws but was very nice to them.

 

It was a good day but almost didn't happen.  According to my dad, it was very hard to get her to agree to even get into the car.  She refused to get into the car last week and missed her doctor appointment and that was a very important one as the doctor was going to address her increased aggressiveness and aggitation.  She is taking anxiety meds but I'm not sure it's enough anymore. 

 

It took me a while to get back to the site to read all the posts from all that responded to me and am thankful for the advice.  I thinks it's unanimous about taking in my father and I really wish I didn't have to.  I know in my heart and my head taking in my father is the worst choice of all but I don't have another one right now and we all know it's not going to be a permanent situation.  For now, to get him through this next phase, it is the right thing to do. 

 

 


MLB61
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 7:32 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


Alli -- Thanks for the update.  This disease is such a cruel one.  It's the long good bye.  You still have your LO in front of you, but they are not really there.  Each of us has to go down the road that is right for our situation.  Before you make any of these big changes, maybe  you should call the Alzheimer's Association 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900.  They might give you some things to think about that you haven't considered.  Good luck and keep us posted.
alli
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 7:34 AM
Joined: 12/29/2011
Posts: 3


Thank you all for your replies and information.

 

The reality is, if I thought for a moment my father was going to live a happy healthy life alone, there is no way I would take him in but his own health is not so great and he may have 3-5 years left.  I will, against the very appreciated and requested advice of all of you and my dearest friends, take him in for a few of those years.  When he can't get up and down the stairs any longer, that is when he will have to go to a full time facility himself.  He won't have a choice at that piont.  Right now, we are making accomodations to make this transition safe and work out.

 

I have asked him to get help and he refuses.  He made one appointment with a therapist and then he no showed.  I believe if he really went to see someone, he would have to face the facts about himself and he doesn't want to hear about any of this being his problem.  All his life, everyone else had the problem and he didn't ever do anything to change his behaviours - everyone else had to.  He is and always has been unable to accept imperfection and has never, that I can remember, shown empathy to anyone else.  He is a selfish SOB but he is my father.  My sister walked away from their lives about 10 years ago after many years of therapy and advice from her doctors.  Some people should not have children and my parents were those people.  And it's not their fault.  It broke my sister but I am different and able to deal with all of this. 

 

His threats are not about suicide.  They are more the words of a child that is acting out when they are scared and feel trapped.  He doesn't have the courage, to act on any of them.  He is too selfish.  He doesn't want to deal with anything.  I've spoke with the director at the assisted living facility and they all love him there.  He puts on a "show" for them to see and then the real person comes out to me.  He doesn't want to spend the money to stay there.  It's very expensive especially if my mom were to go into the 24/7 care and he stay in his room it's about 8k per month.  Right now it's about 5k per month.  One of the conditions of him moving in with us, is he will see a therapist.  We have to try and then make changes when the time comes.

 

For now, the room is still not available where I want my mother placed and should be February/March.  Until then

 

 


EARchat
Posted: Sunday, January 8, 2012 9:26 AM
Joined: 12/17/2011
Posts: 108


I totally understand the feeling of NOT wanting the person to move in, but no other choice ...

 

Is your Mom safe until that room opens up?  I am glad you are first on the list for that room ... just hang on.

 

I like the idea of having conditions to your Father moving in.  You need to lay ground rules to safeguard your family.

 

We all get it here ... not wanting to sound like we are telling you NOT to bring your Father to your home ... just wanting to look out for YOU and your family.  But when no other choices, we all have done what we need to do ...

 

Keep us posted on how things go.  Sending a caring {{HUG}} ... Betty