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I'm just so !#@!( worn out
Posted: Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:31 PM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431

Am I ''weird'' to be bothered by these things?


At dinner, I realized a woman sitting near us was listening to our conversation.  Strangely, her husband was sitting next to her (not across from her), but not for the reason of her helping him to eat (or vice versa).  I felt she (not he so much) was doing it to ''scope'' out people.


I was surprised when my father started conversing with her (maybe not surprised...)...Turns out they had talked before.


He spoke about where he grew up, what city, which he sometimes does. (It had to do with a doctor we had gone to, that this woman had heard about)   He talked about his email name.  I was surprised when she wrote it down, and said, in case I need to send you anything funny.


What the ????


She then ''had'' to tell him her email name - so, what, he could email her in between his helping mom, and doing other important things?  What is it with people?  Turns out they were living in a town we lived in.  Big deal.


We talked about a few things.  I'm still thinking, this is one nervy chick.  Forward.  I don't even ask guys for their emails!


And especially in front of their wives!  (and daughters).


My parents left and I kept talking to them. She said she had seen my father standing somewhere near by, and looking confused so she went up to talk to him.  Huh?  So my impression, based on my life experiences, is that she is a ''maneater.''  She doesn't look like one, but what do they look like?


I wasn't prepared for all the attention my father is getting.  He's been so busy working, etc, and my parents were always together.


But theycan kind of ignore my mom sometimes.  He doesn't, but she can be left out if the other party pushes it. 


Oh dear heavens, I'm not prepared for this!  It's one reason the social worker annoyed me, I think she was flirting with my father on some level.


Trust me, I am not imagining this!  I asked my mother if the attention my father was getting bothered her.  She said no, there are not a lot of men around, so this can happen.  Sigh. 



Posted: Sunday, January 15, 2012 3:23 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431

I think, as Stephanie said recently, that ADLO's do pick up on our emotions, and in this case, my mom picks up on the anxiety I have..which may make her more anxious...


I wrote a note to my father tonight with some important info about today, or whatever, but I also said I didn't want to keep being a ''stay at home caregiver'' although I'd visit my mother.


I think what happens with my father is that one minute he thinks one thing about the place, another moment, something else.


it's that kind of thing which can make you uncommitted (him)...and I do not want to keep talking about some things in front of my mother...I'm kind of surprised at some of the things he's said...but maybe he wants to make her happy, and he thinks her ''going home'' will make things better...I think he's used to making decisions either with my mom, or she makes them...


I suggested he ask about a trial stay in one of the locations (AL?  IL?), but to ask this week about getting an apartment for them...I said I want to do (something in a certain career) and go back to physical therapy myself for my feet, which hurt a lot these days..


He might like the idea of  a''trial stay'' if they offer that...but in any event, he has to do something, because I cannot do the things I used to...and I don't want to say that again to my mother...It would be so easy to say, we're going to try this, or try that location, and if he was positive about things, she would also be.


I know it sounds like I'm wearing the heck out of this, but it is so hard, harder than I thought it would be.


At least I took a stand of some sort, and that's what bothers me so much, it did feel like ''forced'' labor before.


You can't go to Step 2 or 3 if you don't get past Step 1 (which is committing to trying something, at least, to see how things work)...


It's hard in some part because the decision was made by me that i wanted my mom to be in a care place, but I'm not sure how much he has really accepted that it's necessary.


I know something about a decision he made some years ago, and I may be one of the few people who know about it, in the family.  My mother knows about it, but not sure how much she remembers.  If I brought it up, she'd remember.  But it's not necessary for me to do that.


He took so long to come to a decision, I think he felt if he delayed it, things would work out ''his'' way.


Oh no, the opposite happened.  He was supposed to do something, delayed it, and caused SO many problems by that.  I don't blame him, he was in a tough spot.  But I'm not sure how much he realizes what he did then, and may do now.  He is procrastinating, on a lot of levels, and disaster happened last time.  I don't want disaster!  It's why I get nervous.  But I might actually sleep better now!


In any event, I will just keep saying, I don't want to be a stay-at-home caregiver.  i don't!  But I don't want to say this in front of my mom.  Or anything like it.  I don't want to hurt her feelings.


I told him in the note, if I had known Mom could fall, I would have requested that she be in a care place after her stay in the hospital in the summer.  I want her safety to be first.


I know I should shut up, lol, or - stop typing!  I'm surprised in a way that weeks later, I still don't have a sense of certainty.  On the other hand, on that first day, this is what I was worried about!


Before Christmas, he was unsure about things, and I asked him to go look at another place...It's ok, but when he saw it, he knew that this place (where she is now) is ''better'' for her...he's weighing too many of the pros and cons...she's here right now, and it could be worse to move her now - even to go home!  -


I'm even worried about going to see the doctor - I'm worried my father will decide to drive by the house, or even stop here!  i shouldn't even have to worry about these things...I'll bring something like that up in the near future, but it can be hard if he doesn't ''get'' it...I'm not trying to drive them out of their home, he needs to understand the things so many of you here do!


I've seen him do this before with family members...he wants to hear opinions, and then thinks he can make a decision,...but I never know what the criteria is for the decision!


But my mom for sure is getting conflicting ideas from us!


I asked him today if she's ''packing'' to do what i did today - take her out of the room.  I think it could help her stop, at least today!


He told me she was standing Friday, looking at the clothes in her closet!  That's what she would have done here, but please God, don't let her fall!


I think what's happening is that he's forgetting to have the alarm on her jacket clipped there...and maybe they didn't set the chair alarm...


But anyway, back to the packing...I asked him to take her out of the room, and do something, even hold her hand, and look for other things going on...


I truly truly would be there more than I am if my ~!(#(@& feet didn't hurt so much.  I feel so terribly thrown off, because I want to be there, and was there twice today, but my feet can hurt so much, walking around there.  They have carpet, but the floors just aren't soft.



Posted: Sunday, January 15, 2012 10:37 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18511

I was not there to pick up what you picked up from the interaction but want you to know that I frequently share e-mails with others that I have recently met. It is certainly less intrusive than the telephone.


If someone pays attention to your father I do not think it terrible. Might just perk your father up and make him a happier caregiver.  I would not worry at this point.  One thing I would not do is call it to my Mother's attention.


Now, said softly, perhaps you need to let your father take care of his time himself and you need to either accept where your mom is or see that she is in a better place. If you were with her 24/7 she could still get sick and/or fall.


One thing which you might do with your father since he likes to get a lot of input (that would me me) is to sit together and write down all the pros and cons. That way you might be able to see what HIS concerns are.


Hope I have had said something helpful. It  is SO hard.