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Need to Diagnose Mum! Need HELP!
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 12:17 AM
Joined: 1/15/2012
Posts: 2

Hello. I've told this story so many times to the Altz/Dementia hotline that I am getting angry having to post it.....but I must!


I've made a list of every "illogical" occurrance that has happened since I cam to live with my Mother 3 months ago. I wrote 2 letters to her family practitioner BEFOREshe was scheduled to visit him, and did not go along because I was not "signed on to her health disclosure policy".....I was told also that either she would have to give permission for me to come along, or else I write the physician to ask for a mental health screening. I wrote the physician the list of all the occurrances, told him we had witnessed my own grandmother having dementia by age 92....and that I am concerned that my Mom be sent to testing that his office cannot do for her for Altz/Dementia.


I ALSO wrote him that although she takes meds for thyroid, ADD and clinical depression...that the ADD and clinical depression did not seem to help her change her recluse attitude and illogical thinking patterns....and that SHE NEEDS FURTHER DIAGNOSIS, and that I myself have already healed from thyroid and clinical depression in the past....and that my Mom does not want me to talk to her about any further treatment of these diseases so that she can recover. mum is a cancer survivor! But now after last years masectomy ....and my gains in bettering my own health to prevent cancer...SHE WILL NOT LET ME READ ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT ANTI-CANCER DIETS NOR COOK FOR HER...OR MODIFY HER EATING!


 I told her: Mum, I can't have you die on me during the next 5 years - I have no life only home is the one I live in with you! I need time! I don't have a career....I don't have a husband to lean on...I have nothing!


 She refuses to understand and her flaky reason for resisting me is "it's boring!" and " I have to go sometime!" (meaning DIE.) I never stay around these kind of people for long and most of my time at home is spent in my room, strategising about how to take care of my own life.


I know my mum has been telling  a couple stupid untrue things about me to my Aunt and maybe the senior citizen friend she has who drives her to appointments every once in awhile. When my Mum wants to be stubborn she can do a lot of damage. All of a sudden I was excluded from FAMILY CHRISTMAS with my Aunt and told to "stay home with my mother " and now the senior citizen who calls her sometimes automatically getting hostile with me on the phone when I tell her "she's not available can I take a message" (even when she's in the bathroom)


I think I found the root cause of why she is not being referred out to a neuro or geriatric doctor. It's either because her family physician is crap and doesn't want to lose her as a patient, or it's THIS:


Yesterday morning I stayed in my room working, and heard her drag the household ladder into the kitchen....I didn't run out there immediately, but after a few minutes discovered her on the top of the UNOPENED LADDER...LEANING AGAINST THE CUPBOARD BY ITSELF....and her rummaging for something she was going to do.

MY MUM HAS FALLEN OFF HIGH PLACES 4 TIMES IN THE PAST 3  YEARS...and I told her in a  stern voice: "Get down off that ladder immediately, Mum! You've fallen 3 times already, and you knew I was here this morning, and that you could ask me for help!"


Well..."blah blah blah" here come the arguments about her "independence" and all the stuff I did wrong in the kitchen....and I resisted her repeatedly in a firm way,then she went on to try switching the subject ....not sounding logical. I said " I don't care about all that other stuff....I told you my chores around here are my's none of your business!"  I told her " Stop being so stubborn Mum. Get down or else I am going to tell your family physician that you went up the ladder when youve been told to stop doing that. This is a bunch of nonsense!"


Her response?



I said : "Look....if you CANT UNDERSTAND what I am saying to you Mum, I will be glad to make an appointment for us at a family counselor so we can stop arguing...and I will PAY for the couple of sessions myself."


Her response?

(mocking me)  "Well MY MY MY......!!!" 

She then went on to badger me about something else as I kept my mouth shut and did dishes, saw me quiet, then said

" Oh - no answer?"

This is how she operates. If its not illogical...its dysfunctional to the hilt because of her unadressed issues.


But her next physician appointment isn't until April!


I'm SICK  of this and am torn between trying to dialogue with her during the "good" spots" in her day...(she has bad spots)...or going ahead and calling Adult Protective Services so that I can get a witness out here to be present as I finally get  a chance to say "why is all this going on with you, Mum? Why are you refusing healing that you need?"


I am tending to go with calling APS....but she will be angry with me anyway when I do that! I don't have much choice, here. But it's interfering with my life already. I can't even have friends over to our house - this is not normal!!



Jim Broede
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 2:20 AM
Joined: 12/22/2011
Posts: 5462

Just a thought. Maybe you should consider building an independent life. Free of mom. It might be good for both of you. Sometimes, there's a personality clash. You can still watch mom. Keep an eye on her. But from more of a distance. It's a tough call. Sounds like both of you are hard on each other. --Jim
Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 10:09 AM
Joined: 1/15/2012
Posts: 2

You know what, Jim?

I am a manager at my job. I have friends. I'm not allowed to have them over here. I even retain the same counselor I have had for 14 years and he's a good one; he just can't address dementia issues. "Old people issues" he can do, but not this.

I'm not moving out of this house. It's part of my inheiritance from the family.

So instead of saying I need to "build my own life" (which I am and continue to do)

Why not address the issue I was asking about?

I hope I can hear from more people on this topic.

Here are the issues:


The issue is getting my Mum diagnosed (which either the Doctor was unwilling to do, or, perhaps, she was unwilling to do at the Doctor's suggestion)


Protecting her from her own bad judgment (being up on the ladder out of crazy stubbornness)


And the usefulness of Adult Protective Services in this case.



Posted: Monday, January 16, 2012 10:59 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 19301

1. would be helpful and you can probably get her to a new Dr under some pretense (drivers license or insurance or social security). One you have a diagnosis you will be able to get treatment. The catch here is she going to take meds.  From what you have said I suspect not.


Even without a diagnosis you know that you are going to need to learn everything there is to know about how to survive living with a person with dementia. This is a great place to come for that.


2. Poor judgement. You are never going to be with her 24/7 to protect her. Her judgement it going to get worse and so will any ability to reason. Remove as many "accidents" in waiting and tell you mom with your very best/kindest voice "mom, I know it is silly but I do worry about you falling so would you humor me and let me reach things for you." 


3. The house...Who holds title and have you seen the document where you inheirit it?


4. Whycan't you have friends over/


5. You can make an anonymous call to APS from a public phone. You will be the only one who knows who called. Go ahead and do it.


Let us know how it goes!!!