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what help can i be to my wife who is a caregiver
E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 10:26 AM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


   my wife is the main caregiver for her mother.i try to get the rest of her family to help but they are no help.all they do is watch the checking account to see how we are using her mother money and conplain when we asked for help.i try to give my wife help like taking her mother out for rides in the car and to the store. i had my wife go away for a weekend but she upset within an hour of getting back.

 

my wife is very upset about her mother and about her familys lack of help.


Daughterinlawhurting
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 10:36 AM
Joined: 1/18/2012
Posts: 175


The best advice I can be for you. Is just be there for your wife. Learn your mother in law daily ways and take care of her for your wife.

I know my husband catches sh*& from me somedays cause I am his moms full time caregiver. But I wouldn't have it any other way. He is learning more and more what she needs so he is able to give me a break.

His family has nuttin to do with her.


E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 11:01 AM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


i do the best i can with her mother to help my wife. the stress on my wife is what i need help with.im afraid she is going to have a heart attack some days.she just dosn't unwind
rose_ro
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 11:55 AM
Joined: 12/21/2011
Posts: 2431


Welcome...we have info here, but other sites like one hercules posted can help (about caregiving)...

 

Does she have a good doctor?  tested for UTI's, Vit B and D deficiencies, anemia, thryoid problems, even lyme disease...

 

on memory meds?


Sheryl726
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 11:59 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 521


What a caring husband and she is glad I am sure.  The fact that you are there for her helps but you are correct it does not relieve her stress. 

 

May have to tell the relatives to watch the bank balance as she is going to hire someone to care for her mother for _____amt of time and it is goint to cost ____as she needs help and no one is able to help her so hiring it is the only way she can continue to have some time to do things necessary in her own life.

 

It will either bring someone in to help or they will just have to watch the balance.  

 

Caregiving is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have burned out even with help so continue to help your wife and get her stress to a level you are not worried aobut.  Love her and hug her and just care as you are.  Hugs to you both.


E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 12:59 PM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


we have had mother in law tested for all of those.she is only on meds to keep calm.the doctor  had told my wife that he couldn't do anything else for her and we should look for end of life care but mother in law dosen't seem that far along to us.she is about 5 years in now but still can eat and dress herself will take meds if given to her,can't cook anymore.is packing and unpacking her room every other day to go to her mothers house.her mother passed away in 1975.she see her all the time and her brother .
E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 1:01 PM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


to my in laws all i can say is they can answer to higher power.
Iris L.
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 1:42 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16444


Your wife needs to schedule regular breaks for herself.  No one can caregive alone.  It's too much.  She probably feels guilty.  See if you can find adult day care or have someone come in a few hours a day.

 

Call the 24 hour Helpline number at 1-800-272-3900 and ask to speak with a Care Consultant.  Perhaps your wife will listen to a professional.

 

Iris L. 


jfkoc
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 3:39 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18481


It is so hard for everyone who is a caregiver and who cares for the caregiver. I would call the 800# and get some one on one.

 

Please stay with us and let us know how we can best help. You are not alone.


Myriam
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2012 7:26 PM
Joined: 12/6/2011
Posts: 3326


E&DNEEDHELP wrote:
we have had mother in law tested for all of those.she is only on meds to keep calm.the doctor  had told my wife that he couldn't do anything else for her and we should look for end of life care but mother in law dosen't seem that far along to us.she is about 5 years in now but still can eat and dress herself will take meds if given to her,can't cook anymore.is packing and unpacking her room every other day to go to her mothers house.her mother passed away in 1975.she see her all the time and her brother .
It might be time to find another doctor. Is the current doctor a neurologist or geriatric MD?

bela
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 5:14 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4110


i would, as suggested, hire some people to come in even for an 8 hour day or 1/2 the day.  you can vary the hours worked each week or have the same hours each week.  your wife can relax at home or do whatever she chooses.  people suggested I get a break and go to a movie but i was in a place where I couldn't enjoy anything but I could always use a nap or just silence and being away under a tree resting.  I used to take pillows and blankets in the summer to the VA park and sleep.  Oh, and I had my alarm clock since I only had a 4 hour break.  Ah it was heaven!

Also, if you hire in home care, keep good records for those watching her bank account?  How do they have access to seeing the balance?  Who has POA.  Get that asap.  

Sounds like my sister who wouldn't let me tell her about my mom looking 6 mo pregnant which was moms hernia; instead my sister kept screaming about money she believes i snuck into l.a. to steal.  

Her and her husband would not help to get mom home but they kept saying i needed to get to l.a. to put their names on the bank account.  When I said I couldn't do it right now (I had a full time job and taking care of mom), they hung up on me.

 


bela
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 5:17 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 4110


It would be great if you could learn as much as you can about the needs of the patient so you can take over when your wife wants or needs to step out.  I needed more hours in the day so if you wife wants to run errands during her break let her do that....it is comforting to be ahead of the game as a caregiver--

would she like a massage either by you or by a professional?  A facial, manicure, pedicure?

She is very lucky to have you!


hercules
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 6:39 AM
Joined: 12/19/2011
Posts: 146


May I suggest you change the reason told to the relatives watching the bank account to this. "" An aide is going to be hired unless someone in this family steps up and helps because MY WIFE can not jeopardize her health and sanity any longer""
E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 10:32 AM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


It was her  neurologist .

 


E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 11:18 AM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


I did and her brother in law said to me it her she has to get over it and take care of her.if I could have gone thur the phone I would have.

my wife works a full time job and comes home to take care of her mother.her sister told her she got a broke when she was at work.can you believe these people.

they did help by finding a free network of people to come into my house and feed her and take to the store.we checked it out and azl.org had not heard of them.

we told them it would be 25.00 an hour for a different group to help and that was to much.they found one for 7.00 an hour over 500 miles away from us.lol

 

 


E&DNEEDHELP
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 11:20 AM
Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 14


we are waiting for ss to see if they can help with someone to come check on her for a few hours a day.