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Why am I distancing myself? (Venting...words of encouragement) LONGGGG
gabinski87
Posted: Thursday, June 4, 2015 12:30 AM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


I look at my mother who has early on set dementia and sometimes I don't feel that connection I had. Clearly it is due to the disease but I am not mad at her. I am coping with this by separating myself and then regretting it. Why am I forcing myself to hug her instead of it coming natural like it used to? I feel so bad when I am around her because my smile, my hugs and my kind words are all said through my teeth as if I am regretting my actions but I dont regret it. Shes my mom! The woman who raised me, who talked about love and inspired others to spread it through joy and laughter!! She was and still is my super hero!! I ALWAYS saw her like that when I was little. I cannot believe I am allowing myself to fall into this coping mechanism for the depression I am running from. I have been pretty strong but now, I can barely look at her. And this is probably the last year she will be lucid enough to respond easy questions and be independent enough to shower and brush her teeth. She is declining steadily at a fast pace. I look at her eat and enjoy her meals but I see the distraction in her face like a child eating and trying to understand the grown ups chatter at the table. My world stops in these simple moments and I look away, take a huge gulp of whatever I am drinking to control the tears swelling in my eyes and ignore her until we can all leave the table. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I feel selfish for thinking this way. I want to enjoy her MORE. I do have certain days where she is easy and fun and it makes me flow with her without even caring that the disease is manifesting. Those days are my favorite. Those days are when I see how great the time with her is being spent and how no matter what, I should always be like that. Then on her days where nothing is making sense and my pregnancy is getting to me *(yeah, Im 8 months and I already have a 9 month old that she ADORES) and my lovely, caring fiance is having a hard time running everyones activities...those days are soo depressing and I literally wake up hoping the day goes by fast so I can be in bed again. Time seems to go by so fast too. Which makes all this even harder. I know what its like to feel pressure from normal things like work or school or just parenting in general but this has GOT to be the most frustrating time in my 28 years of life. You know those days that are good? Arent they wonderful? Then why cant that pep in your step stay when you really need it? Like when the reality hits you while you are alone cooking or driving or taking a small break and think "Wow. I am done. My loved one has no way out and I cant do a damn thing for anyone of us to stop the inevitable". HOW DO YOU CONTINUE THE COURAGE? I feel like I could use a trip down the yellow brick road with Dorthy from The Wizard of Oz. I need courage, love and whatever the heck that other dude had to offer. I am running on empty and just want to love my mom and show her peace but sometimes hiding in a room with my baby seems easier because no matter how I see her... I break inside. Her joy kills me more than her confusion and behaviour because there is going to be a day where it stops. I want to hold on to her sweet and kind self who I miss more than anything. Isnt it ironic that most of us here need advice and the one person who we want the help from is the only one who cant give it? I thought I would cry typing this but my lack of emotions to spare has literally dried out. Someone help me get out of this hole. Its not me. I need to be strong like she would want. Like I would want. I hate feeling desperate and pathetic. Man, this is so surreal to live this.

All points of view would be appreciated. Thank you!

The Other Shoe
Posted: Thursday, June 4, 2015 5:04 AM
Joined: 6/4/2015
Posts: 348


I think it sounds like you are grieving, and who wouldn’t be grieving in your shoes? You’re only 28-years old and your experience of being a new mother has become all tangled up in being a mother to your own mother, which doesn’t feel natural at your age. To be honest, I don’t think it comes naturally to anyone at any age. On top of all that, you’re 8-months pregnant and you probably have all kinds of hormonal fluctuations at play.


You’re just a year older than my son and I’m just so sorry you are having to go through this at your age. It’s painful at any age (I’m 56 and my mom is 77). It’s hard to imagine what it would have been like to have dealt with this (this being dementia) back when I was 29 and my son was a newborn.


I don’t know that I have any advice other than to not beat yourself up over what you are feeling. You’re going through a lot right now - juggling the joy of new life with the sorrow of watching another life deteriorate. After your second child is born you might want to speak with your physician about an anti-depressant, depending on how your hormones all settle out. I’ve been on them before and typically not for very long. Just enough to jumpstart myself out of the doldrums.


Also, I think distancing one’s self from a situation is a very natural form of self-preservation. The simple act of distancing might be what’s keeping you afloat and you do need to stay afloat because you have two generations depending on you.


One other thing, and I hope this makes you feel a little better -


Re: joy -


I think my mom is probably much farther along in the disease than your mom is right now and she still has moments of joy. She lives in the moment because, really, that’s all she has. This after a lifetime of worrying about all the what-ifs and worrying about everything in general. Now I am the worrywart and sometimes I think my job is to learn (from her) how to live in the moment (definitely easier said than done!).


Take care of yourself and take comfort in the fact that you are much stronger than you realize.


His Daughter
Posted: Thursday, June 4, 2015 8:22 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2273


Gabinsk87,

What I can offer is that your feelings are normal. There have been many periods where I could feel myself pulling back. Usually I noticed this when we took yet another turn for the worse with his condition. I thought of it as an adjustment periods, where I was doing the best I could to cope with the new downward spiral. Over time, I'd get my bearings straight and after adjusting to the new low, I'd do better. It's just so hard watching the progression of the disease.
On top of that, we have these huge fluctuations in their day to day ability. It would almost be easier if it was a very steady decline, but it's not like that. So on the good days, I'd be happy and smiling. But the next day could be horrible and I'd be full of tears. We are constantly in a state of fluctuations, just like they are, with our minds trying to adjust.
That lack of connection you feel at times is also very normal, it's protection for your heart and mind. You are instinctually pulling back, to regroup and adjust. Try not to feel guilty because of it. You need these small breaks. And I agree it is also a part of this grieving process.
The Other Shoe, had some great thoughts. Your pregnancy definitely adds another element. Please make sure you find ways to take care of yourself. This is difficult for all of us, but with all your body is going through right now, you need to give yourself permission to step back when needed.
How do you continue the courage? I've asked myself that question many times. It's just one day at a time.
But believe me, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. The courage you are showing in this time of great stress, is a testament to your mother and the strong, wonderful daughter she raised. Be proud of yourself, I know I am.

King Boo
Posted: Thursday, June 4, 2015 8:26 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3090


I have school aged children now, but when my elder care journey started they were toddlers and babies.
I was exasperrated and even angry at my parents - because their care needs exceeded what I could provide; because their personalities eased into dementia; it was hard to distinguish what was simply Mom being difficult from Mom not being able to reason and think properly.

There is only one of you to go around. You simply cannot be all things to all people, 100% of the time.
The distancing you are feeling is tangible only to you; Mom is receiving the attention and care she needs.
Don't feel guilty and upset with yourself because you cannot always be "on" and positive.

It is also probably an automatic, emotional response of self preservation; you have children, very, very young children, who need you. No matter what, kids first.

The road of dementia is long. In the early phases, we experience a lot of loss as our LO do; our frame of reference is what used to be. As time goes by, you will be able to step out of your own loss, and realize that Moms life still has meaning; even if it is a very different life from when you were young.

I do hope that there are community resources near you that can help take the caregiving responsibility for Mom off your shoulders for a little bit - there may be adult day care programs that could be of assistance.

gabinski87
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 12:06 AM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


The Other Shoe-
I really feel better reading your reply. I was nodding through your points like "exactly!" The grieving process mixed in with my babies new life is so crazy to juggle. Thank you for sharing the last bit of living in the moment. My mom used to always tell me that. I have noticed I am even distancing myself from who I was and thats not good. But to read another persons pov really does help. Thank you and you have absolutely given me great advice!

gabinski87
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 12:21 AM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


His Daughter-
...And now I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for writing with that warm understanding. It is silly of me to think I am alone when there is such an enormous caregiver community grieving this awful disease. I have a little more strength now after reading these responses. I feel "normal" now. The guilt and distance really is a grieving process. And you said it PERFECTLY...I know exactly what you mean! WE adjust to the disease with them. This process is hard to follow with its unpredictable decline. Once I feel comfortable handling her with her new cognitive decline the next moment its as if I missed a step. Nothing could have prepared me for this rollercoaster. But I feel a lot more collected after sharing this with you all. I really am grateful for the reply!

gabinski87
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 12:58 AM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


King Boo-
I was so happy while reading your reply, you relate so well. Everything was so on point. I pictured examples of myself as I read "you cannot always be on and positive". Like, I have not had any hot meals for the past week at all! She has become a priority that I just attend to without stopping and turning off the auto button. I feel bad saying that but you get me. I dont know how not to get away sometimes. Im around the corner from giving birth and my fiance is being super dad to my son and helps me out with my mom more than I can at times. I just cant find the off button and I think it is because I feel guilty for not being as able as others to help her. But then I think OMG I am going to eat cold chicken AGAIN because I am helping her find the remote to her tv and if I dont do it she will come ask me 10 more times if I have it, then she will ask for batteries for another remote thinking that she solved the mystery and even when I think I have helped enough and see her still looking I really believe that will give me time to eat my already cold chicken. And if I MENTION that I have to eat and stop looking for her remote she gets so mad at me and I feel guilty. It is such a vicious cycle! I hate how frustrated I get to the person I love so much! She has also become obsessed with cutting any fabric to make it better. She will offer to cut sleeves off since its hot out, she will cut her sheets and towels since they have a couple of loose strings. Her heart means well but its another thing to have to hide anything that can be used to cut. She even tried using her razor. I am so tired that a cup of coffee gives me an hr at most of alertness.

Also, the most stressful part is she lives out of the US where my fiance and I used to live until last year when we moved here to take care of her. We are planning to move back with her early next year. Her house here is under my name and basically all the legal things that go with it so that helps but its the travel that worries me because she has no desire to leave. She doesnt even want to move from this neighbourhood. I feel so bad about trying to find a way to get her out of here with a fib but its the only way. We will go on a "vacation" but when we arrive we will never leave. There is no adult day care here sadly. Her memory specialist is an hr away we see 3 times a week. Plus, my fiance and I have put our lives on hold per say until we return so we are wanting to go back asap so he can continue work. Its all so much emotional stress just thinking about it all. Some people here think shes not as bad as what she really is and I get frustrated over thinking of the conversation I will have with them when I announce we are all moving. She has lived here 22 years and I dont want anyone to discourage what is right for her. In the end it is what will happen but I care for her friends here because some have become like family and I dont want to make them think I am turning her world upside down.
As soon as we move back I have everything planned and my moms oldest and closest friend lives by me and she is already looking for day cares. My mom has a care taker here already and she said she would be more than willing to go with us for part of the year up until it becomes too much and a home seems to be the last resort. I wish I could just take her and not feel the need to explain to everyone here that loves her but its the right thing to do.

Thank you for the response. It summed it up nicely and quite encouraging. She still has meaning in life.
(SORRY FOR THE ESSAY OF RESPONSE FROM ME)



The Other Shoe
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 4:09 AM
Joined: 6/4/2015
Posts: 348


It's so frustrating because, although there are fixes, they are not the fixes we want to have to make for our loved ones because it involves stripping them of some, if not all, of their independence. And the subterfuge alone can be so mentally exhausting. It's like navigating a minefield - not knowing what will set them off - layered with overwhelming guilt ("am I doing the right thing?"). My mom was so stubborn and I was dealing with her long-distance. What a nightmare. Some of the darkest days (and nights) of my life.

Then there's the walking on eggshells part. How much can you get by with (in trying to "fix" things) without some kind of a negative reaction. This is where my mom was at two years ago and like King Boo mentioned above, I had a similar situation with my mom - I didn't know how much of it was my mom being her manipulative self (yes, I said it - but it's always been the case) and how much of it was the Vicodin she was popping and/or how much of it was her ages-old mental illness/depression. In reality, it was all of the above with a big dash of rapidly developing dementia amplifying everything else.

For us (my husband and myself), it has definitely gotten easier, but the tradeoff has been diminished cognitive skills and word salad where there used to be some semblance of conversation. If I'm walking behind my mom's wheelchair she will almost immediately forget who is pushing her. I liken it to someone hurtling through space without feeling connected to anything or anyone and I can only imagine how scary that must be.

Everything about life and growing up is geared toward becoming independent. It's what our parents teach us along the way. I remember a client of mine once saying that you can't keep your children in the safe harbor all their life because that's not where you really learn how to sail. We spend a lifetime learning how to sail and then some of us are stricken with a horrible disease that makes us forget how to sail. Next thing you know, someone is reeling you back to the harbor where you'll be "safe" but this time the roles are reversed. It's your grownup child telling you what to do and suddenly you're dependent on this child that you tried so hard to teach to be independent. How terribly frustrating it must be and no wonder our loved ones are so resistant during certain stages of this disease.

Your pre-dementia mom would have wanted you to eat your chicken before it got cold. My pre-dementia mom would have been the first one to empathize with the fact that I was going through breast cancer treatment. Sadly, our pre-dementia moms aren't able to be there for us in the way they were before and that's really hard to get used to. I see glimpses of that mom from time to time. The other day I said I was going to walk down the hallway to get something and she pulled up her pant leg and pointed at her knee and said "do you need some of these?" Of course, she only has two knees and I don't need any extra knees to walk down the hallway and it's all nonsensical to those of us who aren't living in her world - yet at the heart of it all, she wanted to help me and it was very touching one one level.

Not long ago she had pneumonia and as I sat next to her on her bed, watching all the agony that goes into her "sleep," she suddenly awakened and looked at me and said "my little girl."

There are so many emotions. She's my mom and at the same time, she's become my child.

You will feel better when you can get her situated in the place where you're going. The anticipation of making a move like that is very stressful. I know this because we moved my mom 2000 miles and the anxiety leading up to that transition was very intense.

Also, regarding her wanting to cut things - that sounds a bit like OCD and OCD is all wrapped up in doing things that relieve stress (I know this firsthand). I would definitely keep an eye on her with those scissors!





susanz
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 8:39 AM
Joined: 5/14/2013
Posts: 451


To The Other Shoe - this is going to sound silly b/c we are all caring for a LO with this horrible dz, but I read your post and thought how fortunate you were for your mom to say to you -"my little girl." I would give almost anything to hear those words again but I don't think I ever will
His Daughter
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 8:51 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2273


Gabinsk87,
My dad was into a folding routine. So I went to the store and bought a bunch of white washrags and a small basket. I'd shake out those washrags and ask him to "fold the laundry". I replaced toilet paper folding with the washrags.
If she needs to cut fabric, I'd ask friends and family to donate their unused fabric. Or go to the discount bin at the fabric store and get a bunch for a dollar a yard. Let her cut to her hearts content (as long as she's safe with scissors) just make it something that doesn't matter. Ask her to cut out quilt blocks for a baby quilt or make a simple pattern for her to tract and cut. Or how about giving her construction paper, and telling her it is needed for your son's school. Have her cut letters, numbers, animal shapes or just squares and circles. What ever keeps her happy and feeling productive.

gabinski87
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 10:48 PM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


The other shoe-
You are so inspiring. Really. You have clearly gone through a lot while also taking care of your mother. Can't imagine setting yourself apart from your own health to aid mom. You are a wonderful person! I am in awe. And I feel even MORE for you when I read "my little girl". Oh man. That melted my heart and makes me happy to see how there are glimpses of them still in there. From what you said about your mom it reminds me of mine. The sweetness of trying to communicate helping you with her knee. Bless her heart. They really do love us and want to show it.

Also, is OCD typical in dementia patients? It is a bit obsessive, absolutely. I found out why she is doing it. She has a rose garden and our friend mentioned to her that when roses are withering you should cut them so let the new rose can blossom through. She took that information and ran with it and all the plants in my home and in the garden are her mission to fix when there are noticeable dried leaves. And I guess she saw the opportunity to fix the fabrics she saw while holding the scissors.

As you mentioned at the beginning it is hard controlling them when you feel as if youre walking on egg shells. Once I hide the scissors there is no way she forgets to find them! She called our office (she no longer works there obviously but its our small functional art business) and wants to ask the manager if he has scissors. I then have to call him back to tell him to say no. But its with everything. Its kind of funny but then again time consuming. The air conditioner remote went missing so she wants to call the air people to fix it. She tried to get on her email which she forgot her password to and wants called the IT guy to fix the internet since something went wrong with her computer. Then she says the phones dont work because they dont charge but she doesnt realize she forgets to hang up until I notice. EVERYTHING HAS TO BE HIDDEN! lol...Pretty soon I will forget where I put all these things. My dish soap is almost empty from her thinking the pans are dirty. I feel so bad for her. But I need to smile at these inconveniences because what else is there to do? But then she will decline real fast AGAIN. She wanted to sleep in the "guest room" since she felt it wasnt cold enough in hers. She was talking about my room. That really scared me. That was a big turning point. Couldnt laugh anymore. She knows we sleep there.

You were so right on the fact that they want to feel independent as much as anyone, especially the people who they raised. Its so hard. I just want to protect her all the time I dont think of how to deal with my life outside of her world anymore.

I am really looking forward to our move to the states. She gets along great with my MIL to be and they really care for one another. My MIL took care of her mother who also had early on set dementia that ended in ALZ and I saw her do it alone for the past 6 years. She wants to help and it really fills my heart that even though my mother is declining my family is growing and it is surrounding my mom with a lot of love.

gabinski87
Posted: Friday, June 5, 2015 11:40 PM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


His daughter-

Oh the routines!! She wouldnt fall for the fabric I bring because she only focuses on things she wants to cut. Her excuse to get out of something is "I have a pain all down here" and she will leave while she points to her leg. She even does that when I ask her questions that she doesnt want to answer. "Would you like some fish I made?"

And if my son was old enough for school your idea of paper cutting would be gold! But even so, she has trouble with letters and numbers. She speaks pretty good still but it comes and goes when reading or spelling. And then the "leg pain" comes. For years I took her to doctors for the pain and she does have arthritis but I make sure she takes her pain meds for that. Plus she wears crocs at home and has a pain relieving cream. She even uses the excuse while in bed and then forgets about it if I offer her a grilled cheese instead of the fish. But she will always have a leg pain if she knows I made something healthy or I have to tell her to stop cutting things.
I am just going to have to continue the hiding game. She keeps throwing away things and/ or giving them away. Interesting how she was giving things away before and then justifying why she needed it back but now she is letting go of things completely. She gave my fiance a really cool wooden necklace and a week later tells me that the necklace was her brothers and she should give it back. It was not her brothers but she was justifying taking it back to have a reason to speak to her brother who does not talk to us at all. That has always hurt her but has never left her thoughts. This disease is awful but very peculiar when it comes to what memories are fixed and which are jumbled or forgotten. She totally speaks in clear sentences when cursing her brothers name when she thinks of him for not talking to us but wont remember that Paris is in France and not in Italy like she thinks.

Another interesting factor with her dementia is that she has never really has a problem with not feeling productive. In her mind she has helped the house keeper with all the chores, she has helped the gardener make the entire garden pretty and even took my son to the pool for the first time. She takes credit for everything and feels great from all her accomplishments. I can say its probably the only easy part knowing she is happy in this delusion. The gardener had to fix the mess my mom did by throwing branches and dead leaves everywhere, the house keeper has to re wash the dishes my mom thinks are clean and whenever I teach my son something new she remembers it as if it was her doing it. Thank goodness my employees care for her. They always tell her shes doing a good job and I thank her for teaching my son. Whatever works!


The Other Shoe
Posted: Saturday, June 6, 2015 12:12 AM
Joined: 6/4/2015
Posts: 348


Gabinski, my mom's story (and mine) these last few years has been so complicated that I feel like I could write a book. As an only child, I'm always seeing everything through a lens of guilt. Maybe it's not an only child thing but just a "me" thing, i.e. the way I'm wired. I stay awake nights second-guessing how everything transpired - asking myself "what if I'd done this differently - or that differently." In short, I'm pretty tormented about all of it!

I'm a first-born/only child "fixer" and this (dementia) isn't fixable, yet it's something we have to plod through - sometimes holding our noses (literally and figuratively) as we navigate these choppy waters. And I say this as a daughter who has her mother in a memory care facility. I have nothing but admiration and awe for those who are doing this at home.

Yes, I think there's an element of OCD that surfaces in dementia. OCD is all about gaining control and/or not losing control. I just googled OCD and dementia (650,000 results!).

We spend a lot of time at my mom's memory care facility and I see OCD behaviors all the time, not just from my mom but from other residents. As someone who has been diagnosed with OCD I might be more in tune to it and I can definitely understand why OCD plays a part in this disease. OCD behaviors are all about finding comfort in stressful situations. When I get stressed out I go into OCD overdrive and I want to "fix" everything. Gardening used to be one of my best outlets for all that because there's a feeling of accomplishment in fixing a living thing. Kind of like "I can't really fix myself but I can fix/help this plant."

I think it sounds like your mom is trying to create order that she can see and touch, perhaps because her own thoughts are so disordered and confusing.

His Daughter mentioned folding and I saw the same folding obsession in my mom when she first got here. She was absolutely obsessed with the placemats they used at the evening meals at her facility. She loved the borders (Grecian key design) and she we had countless conversations about the borders around those placemats. Long before her plate was set on the placemat she was busying herself by carefully folded the placemat into one long/narrow accordion. She would also insist on taking the placemat with her after dinner.
I've seen other residents trying to smooth imaginary wrinkles out of the tablecloths or continually pick at a scab on their face or body (another form of OCD behavior).

I was planning on finding an origami kit for my Mom (so she could work on some more creative folding), but the folding phase has passed and I am concerned that anything she holds/saves might be dropped and one of my greatest fears is her reaching for something she's dropped and falling out of her wheelchair (she's had two wheelchair falls).

It sounds like your mom is straddling two worlds: her former normal/everyday existence (getting her email, etc.) and this new world, which looks the same as the old world - yet doesn't work/function like she expects it to. I remember when my mom told me she was having trouble with zeros on the telephone. Around the same time she became agoraphobic, not wanting to go out anywhere.

Maybe it will be a lot better for your mom when she leaves her familiar surroundings. The change might cause a temporary setback but she might find comfort in being in a place that she doesn't feel the need to control or fix.

When my mom ended up in a nursing home (long story) she said she still thought about her house, but she had an uncomfortable feeling about it and really didn't want to go back there. I think it was because her home had become so disordered that she ended up feeling even more confused and upset by the clutter and her inability to control it.

It sounds like you have a great support system already in place in the states and this is something you can look forward to in the months to come. I was telling my husband about your situation while we were on our walk last night. This is a tough issue to deal with in your twenties, but it sounds like you're very organized and you have a plan! Your mom is very blessed to have you in charge!

King Boo
Posted: Saturday, June 6, 2015 10:38 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3090


Yes, OCD can be part of the disease, and if your LO had it before. . . .well, let's just say it can really, really bloom out of control with the onset of dementia. A little anti-anxiety medication under the direction of a geriatric psychiatrist helped my LO spiral it down quite a bit - -it made it manageable for the caregivers.

You have a good game plan in place, when you move back. Do not feel like you have to do anything that would sabotoge the trip - if you feel like a neighbor might blow the truth to Mom before the move, simply keep it that you are all going home for a visit. You can always call them once you are back in the country with explainations.

!. Take care of your self. 2. Take care of the kids 3. take care of your relationship 4 take care of Mom.
5. Pull off the move back.

Don't worry about anything/anybody else right now.

gabinski87
Posted: Saturday, June 6, 2015 11:56 PM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 15


CAN I JUST SAY TO ALL OF YOU... it is so hard for me certain times of the day. By the time I get on here everyone is in bed and I feel like I can have my free time. Sometimes I think about what we have discussed and how encouraging you all are. I had a very tough time today with her. She was obsessing over things, waking my son in his naps, slamming doors, calling people I rather her not speak to (a friend who had a miscarriage at 4 months and since I am pregnant I rather my mom not mention how happy she is for her 2nd grandchild over and over and over even though it is sweet) but she also walked to a friends house today without telling me and I freaked out! So she comes back and starts cutting plants and sweating to the point where I thought she showered in her clothes but then noticed the grass stains she wiped on her pants while drenching under the sun (which worried me because she has high blood pressure and high cholesterol ) and the heat here is humid and very harsh. And I thought that I didnt even want to come on the website tonight because I was so depressed from her altered state all day that just talking about it would probably dig my hole deeper. But that is not the case. Far from sadness now.

THE OTHER SHOE- I get a feeling of hope and a breath of fresh air when you relate to me and whats going on. I really cant thank you enough for the help you give me. The fact that you spoke with your husband really makes me feel like I found such a great online group. In this whole process I have not felt anyone "get me" until now. And the way you analyze what is happening puts me at ease seeing it from a person who has been there. My fiance really tries to help me but he is such a hard working man and a dedicated father that I cannot ask him for more. And in all honesty he never truly gets me since its not his mom. He loves my mother but I know it is not the same because she raised me. She did everything for me to be happy and I cannot expect him to feel the way I do about her.
P.S write that book! I will read it!!

KING BOO- You're not the first person to suggest the list but you are probably the first person that I listen to and want to follow through on and YOURE SO RIGHT! I didnt think of calling people after we move but that is the answer I have been looking for while struggling with the priority list! I was so focused on not offending others that I really didnt think of an alternative. It has to be done no matter what and the people moving with my mom are me and my fiance with our little ones and the house keeper (who cares for my mom and will leave with us). My plan is pretty set but I just need to start it as soon as I sell this house. Im thinking of decluttering as of now. Someone needs to write a handbook for all scenarios to caretakers. But for now you and the other wonderful caregivers who inspire me to do what is best really helps. I wasnt putting myself or anything that should be my priority in the right order. Thank you for reminding me!

You all are so incredible and I am seeing hints of light through this storm thanks to all of you! You all really define the word; caregiver.