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My mother with VascularDementia due stroke - more than 10 years ago
DiegoMendozaArgentin
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2019 8:38 PM
Joined: 8/21/2019
Posts: 9


Hi. First post here, but I joined to other forum, and Ive post about this in other forums too.

This is not a new thing to me, my mother (59 today, Im 27old) had a stroke more than 10 years ago, she ended up with some aftermath, resulting vascular dementia.

Her personality is more erratic now. She doesnt have control of her impulse (angry impulse mostly), she cant do simple maths, she have short memory problems, she developed Compulsive hoarding, he have some "not very logic ideas", etc.

For example, right now Im a bit stressed because there are things on her house need to be fixed, important things, like a leak on the roof that can ruin it, and the water tank needs to be fix too. 

But she is spending money now in buy a new furniture for the bathroom. We where talking about things need to be done in the house, and i knew she was going to get mad just to talk about the things need to be done on the house so ive been silence about this, but because she asked i thought take a try, but no, she gets angry, and its impossible to have a logic conversation.

Also the oven needs to be fix, doesnt work very well, im pretty paranoid about gas, so I defenitly would fix it, but because are not "new things" and repairing all this wouldnt be visible, she doesnt make anything.

And she have the money, i know, and its not much expensive really.

Anyway, so much things i can tell about her, i can read book about how vascular dementia changes the personality of a person, but im tired of talk about this and no one reading it.

She make things like... she have been looking for someone to repair some stuff on facebook, and she make long long texts that nobody would read or understand.

And she gets angry about lot of stuff, its hard just to do things with her, because im all the time thinking "hm, if i say this to her she is going to get mad, i should say something or not ?".

There was chicken that i knew it was in not good state, but i knew if i said something going to get her mad, i didnt said anything, im not for this kind of silly stress, she ended up eating it, she was sick for 2 days, my fault ? dont know, anyway.

She lives alone, the kitchen is always a mess, when i go to visit her i clean it, but in 4 days gets messy again, and its hard to clean it because is so full of stuff in the floor that is impossible to clean it well, the garage is a disaster also, theres a dog that, and the garage and the backyard smell terrible, there are other 2 rooms more on the house full of stuff too.

Some time ago, i saw a pen that didnt work anymore so i asked her "this doesnt work, i throw it ?" and she getting mad again, that i dont value things, that i dont know how things cost, etc... Now she is better with her compulsive hoarding, but, the house is pretty messy anyways, not all the house, but some key rooms yes.

Anyone with a parent with Compulsive Hoarding ?

I can keep talking about this a lot but... First post, bye.

She "doesnt realize"  she have all this, for her she is normal, so to me see her like this its like keep a secret, now she realize she have memory problems, I try to tell her that it is due the stroke she had, but she prefered to say its due "fibromialgia", which she doesnt have a formal diagnosis but she read about that and she love fibromialgia because its a good way to blame her problems.


Acoxe3
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2019 10:10 PM
Joined: 2/9/2019
Posts: 114


I’m so sorry.  This is so hard for you!   I know this is probably very hard for you to do, but you have to call Adult Protective Services.    Your mom sounds like she needs a lot of help and it is too much for you to do alone.  You can find the number for Adult Protective Services for your state by going online.  What state do you live in?
DiegoMendozaArgentin
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2019 10:23 PM
Joined: 8/21/2019
Posts: 9


Acoxe3 wrote:
I’m so sorry.  This is so hard for you!   I know this is probably very hard for you to do, but you have to call Adult Protective Services.    Your mom sounds like she needs a lot of help and it is too much for you to do alone.  You can find the number for Adult Protective Services for your state by going online.  What state do you live in?
Im not from US, im from Argentina. One tricky thing with her its that I cant use "medical help" with her, because she doesnt take that she could have something wrong, so its like "hey, why this say i have vascular dementia, i dont have that, that is for other people". And anyway, she dont need much attention or help really, i mean, it would be good to have some other people to go to visit her, because we dont have, but thats not something healthcare provide. Anyway.
I forgot to say. Im here mostly to see if there are other people here with parents with vascular dementia to share experiences, Im not looking for advices of any kind, im pretty used to this so this is not a new story.

Sayra
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2019 5:46 AM
Joined: 8/10/2016
Posts: 1599


I pretty much have the same issues as you do except instead of my mother hoarding she tries to get rid of everything.  If you went into her house you would feel it was empty.  This is much easier to deal with than hoarding.  My mom had a stroke in March.  Took me three days to get her to go to hospital.  When she got there she refused medicine, said the doctor and nurse were making her high blood pressure up etc.  Felt sorry for the workers and me, she was very aggressive while there.  Glad I endured because now her refusal of health care is well documented.  She refused transport to hospital 3 days earlier which is documented.

My mom also has trouble with math.  She has no problem writing checks but I have to keep the checkbook figured out.

I also deal with her being angry and aggressive.  Have to try and be careful about what I say.  She thinks unfamiliar people are her friends,  poor judgment about a lot of things but she thinks she has better judgment than anyone else.  It is pitiful.

Come here and talk anytime you need to.  Lots of us here and we understand.

 


Livesbythebeach
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2019 7:06 AM
Joined: 4/3/2019
Posts: 220


Diego- Bienvenido aqui. Me encanta a tu pais!!  

Sorry you are dealing with this with your mother. You can always post here. 

My mom shares many of the same qualities as your mom- especially getting angry all the time, about everything.  Her ideas are not at all logical - she told me to replace my fence (claimed my dad was "panicking" about it falling down)- I told her what I could actually use is a new mattress and she started yelling saying she loves my mattress (she visits once or twice a year, guess it's more important to her that I have a pretty looking fence over sleeping well?)- it often doesn't make any sense. 

Te mande abrazos.  Estamos aqui para ti.   

 

 


DiegoMendozaArgentin
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2019 11:54 AM
Joined: 8/21/2019
Posts: 9


Sayra wrote:

I pretty much have the same issues as you do except instead of my mother hoarding she tries to get rid of everything.  If you went into her house you would feel it was empty.  This is much easier to deal with than hoarding.  My mom had a stroke in March.  Took me three days to get her to go to hospital.  When she got there she refused medicine, said the doctor and nurse were making her high blood pressure up etc.  Felt sorry for the workers and me, she was very aggressive while there.  Glad I endured because now her refusal of health care is well documented.  She refused transport to hospital 3 days earlier which is documented.

My mom also has trouble with math.  She has no problem writing checks but I have to keep the checkbook figured out.

I also deal with her being angry and aggressive.  Have to try and be careful about what I say.  She thinks unfamiliar people are her friends,  poor judgment about a lot of things but she thinks she has better judgment than anyone else.  It is pitiful.

Come here and talk anytime you need to.  Lots of us here and we understand.

 

Thanks for reply. My mother accepted medical attention at first, she trust and respect very much Drs, but she never realize she ended up with some problems, maybe if i insist she have some problems due her stroke she would accept it now. 

 
It took me very long time to understand how to be with my mother, and Im alone in this, because my sister (older than me, but very narron to me) really doesnt want anything with her, which its understandable, my mother could be very agressive with her, but my sister isnt very thoughtful.
 
My mother was in coma some time, dont know how, but she was at the line of the other way, Drs say was miracle she live after the stroke, and more miracle she was in so good condition, i mean, she have some brain change, and her left hand is all the time closed, but just that.
 
She have a acid sarcasm humor, at the hospital, she told me some nurse wanted to do dont know what thing with her, traslate her, and she was saying "I s--t on you !!" (common Argentine course), and she tells me "and i did that, i s--t in my pants".
 
Other story, she was looking for someone at the workplace of my uncle, she asked and asked, and said "if you dont tell me where he is, with the weapon i have in my perse im going to kill you all !!", so the people get nerveous, and i asked her "did you have a weapon ?" and tells me "i had a paper cutter".
 
She is not lost, and about people... she have had lucky, at least im very paranoid when she calls for someone to fix something in the house (house workers in advertisements), and now with that thing of "facebook market place", and my mother being so annoying with people, and people looking that she is an al "old" person.

 No i keep stressed about she buying stuff for the house, objects, and not repairing the things need to be done, luckily no storms, but the roof needs to be fixed, and its not so expensive, and the garage stinks, the backyard stinks...

Anyway, good to know there are other people dealing with this, i mean "good", but its such a particular thing to deal with, not all people have a parent with this kind of condition, and having such strange traits, strange talks.

I cant sometimes have a normal conversation with her, again, about repair something, its "hm, if i tell her that, she is gonna get angry, so... what i do... i have to wait to a right time... hm, i dont want to listen screams now, maybe other day...", not normal.


DiegoMendozaArgentin
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2019 12:00 PM
Joined: 8/21/2019
Posts: 9


Livesbythebeach wrote:

Diego- Bienvenido aqui. Me encanta a tu pais!!  

Sorry you are dealing with this with your mother. You can always post here. 

My mom shares many of the same qualities as your mom- especially getting angry all the time, about everything.  Her ideas are not at all logical - she told me to replace my fence (claimed my dad was "panicking" about it falling down)- I told her what I could actually use is a new mattress and she started yelling saying she loves my mattress (she visits once or twice a year, guess it's more important to her that I have a pretty looking fence over sleeping well?)- it often doesn't make any sense. 

Te mande abrazos.  Estamos aqui para ti.   

 

 

Hi there, thanks you too for reply. 

Victoria2020
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2019 6:55 PM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 927


Hi Diego-

You don't want advise from here but maybe talk to someone you respect in your country to try to save your mother's money from her spending.

 Also, look up Anosognosia.

Your mother doesn't sound safe to live alone, if a fire started- what would she do?

 With her anger, which a doctor may be able to help with medications, she could be hurt if she lashes out at a worker or police that came to the house.

 Good luck.

  https://www.alma-alzheimer.org.ar/es/

 https://www.pami.org.ar/pdf/Plan-Nacional.pdf  Argentina's plan


DiegoMendozaArgentin
Posted: Friday, August 23, 2019 10:07 PM
Joined: 8/21/2019
Posts: 9


Victoria2020 wrote:

Hi Diego-

You don't want advise from here but maybe talk to someone you respect in your country to try to save your mother's money from her spending.

 Also, look up Anosognosia.

Your mother doesn't sound safe to live alone, if a fire started- what would she do?

 With her anger, which a doctor may be able to help with medications, she could be hurt if she lashes out at a worker or police that came to the house.

 Good luck.

  https://www.alma-alzheimer.org.ar/es/

 https://www.pami.org.ar/pdf/Plan-Nacional.pdf  Argentina's plan

 

Yes, the best would be someone living with her, but that is not posible, but i mean, that what she have doesnt make it totally imposible to live alone, i mean, sometimes i read stories about some people that really cant live alone, without discussion, this is not the case of my mother. She takes precaution of certain things, sometimes I worry something that could happen, but so far lucky all have been good. She have been living alone for... at least 8 years, and more. Anyway thanks for have it in mind. 
I mean i dont want advices because this is not something new for me. The other day I joined to a forum and someone was like trying to give me a diagnosis of my mother, telling me things like that i need to know, which I unstand is other people just talking, but, its pretty upseting, because I know my mother better than a people that never saw her, so some people should have to have precaution before write some things.
And people talkinga bout do this or that... i know what could be or not done. I know pretty much how the things are. But i understand is just people trying to do something good giving advices and such.
Sometimes i talk about things my mother do, but not because i think is "oh, this is new, i dont know what this mean, i dont know how to handle this", i talk just because i thing is curious, or I just say it like a mere description of her, not because is something new or im looking an advices for that.
And again, thanks.

ruthmendez
Posted: Saturday, August 24, 2019 12:24 AM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2108


My father is most likely to have Alz.  But I read some similarities in your post.  Also, I kinda see where you're at.
As my father progressed, it took a long while for me to catch up.  Mostly, because I believed he was not going to get worse. I was not going to have to become his mother.  Even after he got lost for 14 hours, I still refused to believe we would be where we are now.  I thought he wasn't that bad.  

Maybe for me, it was best to not foretell our future.  Facing reality too soon would have impeded my typical straight forward manner of taking over, of all his affairs.  When he finally went over the edge or climax of his disease, lost the last of himself, I was completely in control of all his affairs.  At that point, it was time to just focus on him and the progression of his disease.  It was time to focus on learning how to deal with someone finally losing a chunk of his capabilities. Now, he is like a baby.  Everything is done for him.

Before he lost the last of himself or who he was, I was not able to explain anything to him.  It was repeat after repeat.  Even the mentioning that he could have Alz, did not really faze him, or it didn't affect him for too long.  "..oh really?  I do?"  And he wasn't bothered by it.  He used to be a very nice, and content person. 

He never recalled a fire in the microwave. I came home one day and found the ashes on the floor and the house smelled like something had burned.  He had no recollection, even though it had to have occurred within 3 hours before I arrived.  

He would believe he had eaten, but the plate I prepared for him was untouched and still in the fridge. 

It took a while for me to finally give in, to finally accept my role as his caregiver.  This type of disease is not too obvious at first, what is happening.   Or what will happen.

Don't argue with her.  It will not go anywhere.  It'll burn you out.  This disease does not allow them to understand or grasp what you're really trying to communicate.  

I too, had to clean up mess after mess.  One of the advantages of him losing his ability to walk, is that I'm no longer following and cleaning up the messy trail he would leave around the house. Now I just have to clean him up.