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A lot of questions.
Posted: Saturday, September 7, 2019 11:11 PM
Joined: 8/24/2019
Posts: 5

Hello again, 

This is going to be a long post, but I will put a TL;DR at the end and try to make it easy to understand... Here we go:

Two weeks ago, my LO with FTD tried to attack me with kitchen knives (due to her paranoia about me stealing her money and other various accusations). Given that incident, I relayed that information to the police, who then hospitalized her for a 3 day evaluation. Upon returning to work myself, I found out that the hospital discharged her to law enforcement, and was of the understanding that she would remain in custody until her court date.. That never happened. What happened was she got discharged back into my custody (the judge forgot to place an NCO on her bond requirements, so the police allowed me to pick her back up). I realized this, called Victim's Advocacy and spoke to a caseworker there. Over the past week, she has organized and kept me in touch on things going on, and my LO's court date came up on Thursday. At this hearing, the judge modified her bond and added the NCO, with the added condition that she undergoes a "criminal process evaluation" to determine if she can proceed with the trial. I'm assuming this is to be sure she has dementia et al, and to determine if she can understand what is going on, and if not, they would place her in a facility through DFS and APS organizing that avenue. (Again, this is all what I was informed of by the Advocate and County Attorney's office). 

However, over the past week, my LO's daughter, who lives in California, has tried to talk to me about coming to pick up my LO and take her to her sister in Reno, before transporting her to CA and placing her in a facility there so she's closer to family.. Two problems with this: 1) APS and DFS have informed me personally that since no one has guardianship over my LO or POA over her, she is "free to make her own decisions and liable for her own wellbeing". Furthermore, I have tried to explain to my aunt (LO's daughter) that my LO cannot leave the state or it violates bond conditions et al. And she still believes that "the state doesn't want to pay or foot the bill for her"?? However, my LO is currently in the homeless shelter with her belongings, struggling with the FTD, and under the care of DFS during the week. Her evaluation would still have to be scheduled et al, before ANYTHING could happen with transportation out of state (Again, information I have heard from the County Attorney et al, who have also mentioned it is NOT a good idea to send her to CA for placement)... I guess, my question is this... How do I deal with this whole situation of family members not listening to me at all? Do I call DFS/APS and let them know? Do I call the Victim's Advocate (who has been contacting DFS and working with them on organizing the LO's evaluation et al)?? What can I do to stop this from happening without proper medical care and evaluations?     

Posted: Saturday, September 7, 2019 11:44 PM
Joined: 8/24/2019
Posts: 5

Victoria2020 wrote:


How do I deal with this whole situation of family members not listening to me at all?

 You tell them the truth and if they don't get it, it's on them.

 Do I call DFS/APS and let them know?

 Yes, they are watching over her.

  Do I call the Victim's Advocate (who has been contacting DFS and working with them on organizing the LO's evaluation et al)??

Yes, let them know if she goes missing-- not on you.

 What can I do to stop this from happening without proper medical care and evaluations?  

 It is in the hands of the courts and APS, you've been very proactive and have their attention. Update them, wish her well and back out. Not yours to handle.

 Stay safe, you have a good heart.


I appreciate the good advice! I just want this whole thing to go smoothly, and get her in the best possible place for her wellbeing, which the courts, doctors, and other organizations believe is placement in a facility here ASAP.. I do not think it is a good idea to uproot someone with FTD like this, on such short notice, especially if you know that they are prone to wander. I have a feeling it would just stress her out more, make the whole situation worse, and make all the symptoms etc manifest in bigger, potentially more harmful ways. Additionally, the homes and facilities here would be able to directly contact doctors and nurses who have cared for her about her issues, and would be understanding of those issues I'd believe.. I just don't understand why family is trying to push for something that multiple other people believe is a horrible idea? I understand that at this point it's out of my hands, but I still have to care about her wellbeing since I'm the only relative that is geographically close to the LO with FTD.. 

Eric L
Posted: Sunday, September 8, 2019 1:10 AM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 1286

Kevin - Your LOs situation is quite a bit more complicated than what others usually deal with, but it seems like one of the more common ‘themes’ is that family that doesn’t deal with the dementia patient on a regular basis don’t realize how much more compromised their LO is. They’ll often place more blame on the family member that is closest to the situation rather than the disease itself and that they are ‘obviously’ much more capable of caring for LO. It’s nonsensical of course, but they only get bits and bites on an irregular basis and don’t see the full picture.

Contact all of the folks that you have been dealing with and let them know about auntie’s plans if only as a CYA thing. You need to protect yourself. You may also find that auntie might back down once she hears from some court officials. Regardless, protect yourself.

King Boo
Posted: Sunday, September 8, 2019 8:30 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3227

You need an attorney to look out for her interests.  In theory, the court appointed one could be her advocate, but you have to take a long, hard, realistic look at him/her.  Is your LO a case file to be moved along, or are they acting in her interest?  do they have dementia expertise?

From how you write, it appears no one has Power of Attorney.

Your LO is in a homeless shelter - let go of the emphasized fear about changing her surroundings being a bad idea.  If the care in CA was good, and the daughter has the ability to learn about the disease and make good decisions, the physical move has little to do with decision making.  It could be a wise way to go, you could face a decade of dealing with the situation when it is the daughter's responsibility anyway.  Unless abuse is in play, it may be wise to relinquish this job to her daughter, once her safety, medical care and well being have been established, with an assigned case manager to moniter the transition in the new state.

Care needs drive the decision making, and virtually every PWD has multiple changes in enivironment - some adjust easily, quickly and well - others it is more of a process.  They all needed to happen, so agonizing over familiar surroundings when she was after you with knives is not moot.

What is lacking in this whole scenario is a declaration of competency, or lack of it due to the dementia.  This could need to come into play, for the legal issues.  It is for this you need a lawyer for her - it is doubtful the court appointed one is well versed in dementia.  Neuropsychological testing by a PhD neuropsychologist and a MD Geriatric Psychiatrist will likely be neeeded.  It can shift the whole legal dynamic possibly - get an attorney.

Certified Elder Law Attorneys ( are a good place to start, but they may refer to a colleague to help with the knife incident.  A complicated situation, but assault due to dementia happens as reported on the boards.  


Posted: Sunday, September 8, 2019 9:24 AM
Joined: 8/24/2019
Posts: 5

King Boo,

It has been mentioned by the doctors (as well as in police reports, doctor's notes, court documents et al) that she is "mentally incompetent to make her own decisions, sign legal documents et al". That is the main reason I am her caregiver, and the plan that APS/DFS et al have agreed upon is to place her in a facility here, then I can deal with a transfer to relatives at a later date. However, none of my relatives understand that, and the daughter is telling me she is in contact with APS/DFS about it, and they are understanding and wanting her to come retrieve her. Granted, I understand I can't stop it, but then again.. No one has POA at all, and would not be able to obtain it given her mental state. She is legally responsible for herself and her well being, but I feel the necessity to care for her to an extent and get her placed in the best possible situation. It is because of this that I do not feel that the daughter would be the best option, because they do not get along, have not had contact for 10 years, and my LO still blames her daughter for past issues and things she has experienced, such as betrayal and stealing of funds or not returning loans etc... I guess my best option is to contact the Victim's Advocate and explain the situation, so they can talk to APS about it and relay information to the daughter so that she does not waste time only to ultimately realize it was a bad decision in the end..

King Boo
Posted: Sunday, September 8, 2019 2:27 PM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3227

Ah, clearer now.  Sounds like sound thinking and a good progression.  The "free to make her own decisions and liable for her own wellbeing" statement made me think things were going differently.