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Moved mom into MC Saturday.
BeehiveLuv
Posted: Monday, January 27, 2020 9:44 PM
Joined: 1/27/2020
Posts: 6


Good evening all - This is my first post and my first look at this online community and it's already so helpful! My family moved our LO to MC this past Saturday.  She had been living with my sister for the last year and had daily caregiver but my sis and BIL had the care for her most nights while we all helped on the weekends.  Mom declined over the last 3-4 months and my sis just couldn't do it anymore.  Lots of sundowning, walking away from house, agitation, etc.  Extremely difficult but found a lovely MC after visiting several. Mom is is late stages of ALZ but still mobile. Now...how do we deal with the guilt and the ever persistent little voice saying: "Did we do the right thing?" "Does she feel abandoned?" "Is she scared?"  Just can't see into their minds. We know logically we did the right and loving thing and that she is in a safe, caring place where experts can be with her and help her but it feels so sad that she is with NONE of her family!  Ugh.  How have you dealt with these feelings of worry?  Much love to all of you dealing with this awful disease that takes our LO's away slowly.
harshedbuzz
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 4:14 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 2079


Family isn't always best. It sounds like you did your due diligence and found a nice place where she can be safe, cared for and visited by family who aren't struggling to provide hands-on care. In time, you may find she settles into the routine and feels secure; she may even enjoy some of the daily activities and other residents which you weren't able to provide her. 

HB
MN Chickadee
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 10:41 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 985


I remember these feelings well from the move and the weeks after. Guilt, grief, and such a profound sadness. The first night, when I was home thinking about how mom was among strangers, going to bed in a strange place....felt like it might break my heart in two. I was a mess. Cried constantly, couldn't control my body temperature, couldn't think straight. Some folks here on these boards helped a lot, as did talking with friends and a therapist. It may be a hard few weeks or months, but remember that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. You will all adjust to your new life and roles. It just takes time. It's such a horrid, difficult disease and we do the best we can. you find the best care and place that you can and put one foot in front of the other. Isn't that what your mom would have wanted? For you to do your best for her, and when the time came that you couldn't manage at home and still maintain your own health and life, for you to do what needed to be done? That is certainly what I will be telling my kids. 

I want you to know that after a couple very,very dark weeks, things got better. Mom settled in slowly, but after about 3 weeks there was improvement, and after 3 months she was content. She is also mobile and did a lot of pacing and exit seeking in the beginning but the staff were used to it.  She has held steady and not had much decline in the year she has been in MC. The structure and routine has been really good for her. The high level of care, higher than what we could offer at home, was a blessing in disguise. We now visit often and are able to just enjoy her for who she is now and let the staff do the diapers and night wakings and heavy lifting, so to speak. It wasn't easy to get here, and it's not what any of us wanted for her golden years, but it is what it is. We've done our best, she is well cared for, and we try to find some joy in the small moments. I truly understand how difficult it is to have any hope at this time and to not let the sadness overtake you. But hang in there. I hope things will look up eventually. 


Abuela
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 11:43 AM
Joined: 6/24/2012
Posts: 492


You will never get used to this.  So my point is try not to dwell on it.  If I actually stopped to think about my mom sitting in her room in MC for hours at night... I would lose my mind.  The MC staff will make her comfortable and deal with her emotions if they are coming out.  Know that you made the best decision that you could in this situation.  Also, it helps me to know that my mom would never, ever have wanted me to take care of her in this state of her life.  She would have wanted me to keep living my life and be 'happy' and 'healthy'.  No matter what she may say now... when she was well, that was her wish.  Good luck.
zauberflote
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 1:36 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 767


EXACTLY what Abuela says. If I spend time thinking about Mom (92, MC, late stages but still knows when she has to go (not that they always get her there in time) and has a decent appetite), sitting with all the other wheelchairs into the common room I become very distressed. Mom has 3 companions, giving a few hours 6 days a week. She has fun with them. She does not particularly have fun with me bc she still has deep thoughts and feelings, which she will try to express to me in..."words". The staff know nothing of this simply due to personality and circumstances. I visit twice a week. It's lovely to arrive but horrible to leave. I just have to blick it in my mind. I Can Not care for her myself, and I know that deeply. So I try to convince myself I am doing the best I can.
SunnyBeBe
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 2:52 PM
Joined: 10/9/2014
Posts: 955


Have you considered that your mom is not really viewing things the way you would view them, because, you don't have dementia. I had to remind myself that I had to see things through her eyes and not mine. 

 One thing that I noticed immediately when my LO was moved from regular AL to MC, is that she seemed to immediately relax.  She seemed to feel more comfortable in the MC.  I felt that she sensed the other residents were facing the same things that she was and it seemed like that brought her relief.  She was sitting with her roommate watching tv when I left her that first night..smiling and looking more at peace than she had in a long time....so, for me, it was a huge relief to know that she was safe, protected and with people who understood her. I never felt any guilt at all. In fact, I'm proud that I found her such an awesome place. 


SusieL03
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2020 9:17 PM
Joined: 6/27/2016
Posts: 26


BeehiveLuv, Please know you are not alone and your feelings and emotions are totally valid.  I moved mom into MC today.  It was just getting to hard for caregivers and myself to care for her.  I feel miserable.  I feel like I deserted her.

Thank you to those that responded to BeehiveLuv.  I have read the responses and re-read them a second time.  The points are valid, and I feel a touch bit better.  I am printing this thread, and I will read it day.  I hope it will get me through the days and weeks ahead.  Thank you, Warriors!  

BeehiveLuv
Posted: Wednesday, January 29, 2020 11:13 AM
Joined: 1/27/2020
Posts: 6


Thank you for your kind and uplifting words. Just what I needed to hear!
BeehiveLuv
Posted: Wednesday, January 29, 2020 11:14 AM
Joined: 1/27/2020
Posts: 6


Thank you, HB!
BeehiveLuv
Posted: Wednesday, January 29, 2020 11:14 AM
Joined: 1/27/2020
Posts: 6


Thank you for your kind words!
BeehiveLuv
Posted: Wednesday, January 29, 2020 11:15 AM
Joined: 1/27/2020
Posts: 6


Thank you!
BeehiveLuv
Posted: Wednesday, January 29, 2020 11:45 AM
Joined: 1/27/2020
Posts: 6


Thank you!