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Loss of a parent
Franaken
Posted: Thursday, August 13, 2020 6:27 PM
Joined: 12/19/2017
Posts: 4


Hi, my mother passed away in May from Lewy Body Dementia. I am struggling with this loss, the fact that I could no longer visit her in the Nursing Home from March through her passing due to the Covid -19 pandemic, the stress and anticipatory grief, and I am also having nightmares of her time in the Nursing Home.

I would love to hear from others who have struggled through similar.

Thank you


TessC
Posted: Friday, August 14, 2020 2:12 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5135


I'm glad you came to this forum to seek support. My mother's passing was different from yours as she died in my home after a very long stay with my husband and I, but I still had a lot of grief and sadness from the loss. It helped me to get the grief support emails from the hospice, as well as from the funeral home. The weekly emails told me of what I could expect as the weeks went by, and how I could mitigate some of the sorrow.

 It helped a lot to go through all the pictures I have of my mother and see her at her happy, healthy self. She had a great life and was happy all the time. I also have her picture and some of her ashes on display and I have kept fresh flowers there for 10 months now. I love flowers and so it is win/win. I feel like I am honoring her when I buy them and see to their care everyday.

Please make me a connection and we can email each other. I am happy to support you and listen to your pain. Take good care!


KawKaw
Posted: Sunday, August 16, 2020 5:51 PM
Joined: 11/22/2019
Posts: 279


I grieve with you for the passing of your mother.

Current circumstances are dreadful and painful for those of us who have LOs in care facilities.

I am familiar with the loss of a parent with dementia, and I am so sorry for your loss.

I wish for you gentle care as you grieve.


GBBrot
Posted: Friday, August 21, 2020 7:50 AM
Joined: 2/11/2019
Posts: 1


Tomorrow will be 9 months since Mom passed of vascular dementia.  It was a long hard struggle being her primary caregiver (24/7).  I was able to get some relief a few hours 2x/week so I could get errands done/grocery/laundromat.  This week I can finally go into her room without having nightmares, or go into a crying binge.  A friend is coming over in a couple weeks to help me go through pictures/clothes.  It's soooo difficult.  I can still feel her presence. My dog doesn't understand yet, why grandma isn't here.  We're both trying to console each other.  There are some who say: she's gone, not coming back, get over it and get on with your life.  They don't comprehend that for the last several years, I was helping her bathe, get dressed, drive to appointments, etc.It was a totally all-consuming experience.  Rarely did I put myself first.  I did my best to make her comfortable, and put her needs first.  Still feeling though, at times, as if I didn't do enough.  I DO think her spirit was here the other day, as a needlepoint picture we both worked on was crooked.  That gave some comfort that she stopped by.

 


vg1210
Posted: Thursday, August 27, 2020 12:54 PM
Joined: 8/27/2020
Posts: 1


Hi,
My story is the same. My mother passed away on June 5th.  She had Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer’s.  The loss is so hard on so many levels. The stress and the anticipatory grief was at a level so high, I’m actually surprised that alone didn’t give me a nervous breakdown.  She was in a memory care place that I loved and visited all the time.  Then she was sent out to the hospital in May with a fever.  I have so much residual stress And anger from her experience In the hospital.  She had never been alone in the hospital and during Covid there is no room for Dementia. There were so many issues/questions from everyone in the hospital just regarding her mental acuity I’m beyond sickened and stunned.  Then I found out while in the ER for over 15 hours, they gave a heat CT scan to rule out a stroke because she seemed confused?  I can go on and on, but I won’t on that.  She was 86 years old and they said her Covid was not a bad case.  She just wanted to sleep and didn’t want to eat.   She and I were beyond close and I am devastated that I wasn’t there for her during her time at the hospital.  She was able to go to Journey Care and I was able to see her, but by then she was just sleeping.  
It’s very difficult. 

TessC
Posted: Thursday, August 27, 2020 9:54 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5135


GBBrot and vg1210, I read both your stories of loss. I'm sorry you lost your dear mothers. It is never easy no matter how much time we were able to spend with our LOs-but to be separated due to Covid 19/hospital, is very sad. The grieving process is hard and different for each of us. In 2 months my mother will have been gone a yea,r but to me it feels like it was just last month that I lost her. The heartache is still great-and I hope I never lose that feeling of loss. She meant that much to me.  I just wanted to say I understand and that I hope we all will enjoy our lives as I know our mothers would want us to.  Take good care!
Franaken
Posted: Saturday, August 29, 2020 3:16 PM
Joined: 12/19/2017
Posts: 4


Thank you so much for your message. I am sorry for your loss. Yes, due to covid-19 restrictions in nursing homes, I had a feeling I would never see my mother alive again when the visits were stopped in March for the safety of the nursing home residents, staff, etc. I was fortunate enough to see my mom via video chat with her hospice nurse. May you find peace.
Franaken
Posted: Saturday, August 29, 2020 3:18 PM
Joined: 12/19/2017
Posts: 4


Thank you so much for your message. I am sorry for your loss as well. Yes it was very difficult when I was no longer able to visit mom in the nursing home due to covid- 19 restrictions. I had a feeling I would never see her in person alive again. I was fortunate to see her via video chat with her hospice nurse.
Franaken
Posted: Saturday, August 29, 2020 3:22 PM
Joined: 12/19/2017
Posts: 4


Thank you so much for your message. I am so sorry for your loss. I was unable to visit my mom in the nursing home starting in March due to the covid-19 restrictions, and I felt that I would not see her again alive. Fortunately, I was able to see her via video chat with her hospice nurse. I experienced much anticipatory grief for the year she resided in the nursing home. I also had and still have a lot of guilt associated with having to place her in a nursing home. My mom passed away from Lewy Body Dementia, such an awful disease to observe as her deterioration was swift. May you find peace.