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My dear, sweet mother is home
TessC
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 10:04 AM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5004


With the help of you who have already lost someone they love, I was able to find the strength to witness the peaceful transition of my mother from this life to Life Eternal. She stopped eating last Thursday, became unresponsive on Friday, had a few days of labored breathing which the hospice nurse described as catatonic breathing, then yesterday her breathing became shallow with short pauses. She softly inhaled and exhales one last time and was gone.

She was beautiful, peaceful, her skin smooth, no blue around her face, just some red mottling around her knee caps. It seemed like I was looking at an angel. She remained warm for hours and my sisters and I were able to kiss and hug her as we have always done.

I thank God for giving her the Grace to leave this world as she came into it, whole, beloved and perfect.



Jo C.
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 10:20 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10316


Dearest Tess, a beautiful and peaceful passing; thank God indeed.   Her days and quality of life were so blessed because of you and your husband's caring; no one could have done it better. 

May peace and solace be with you and your family as you move through the next days.  When things settle and if you feel up to it, it would be good to know how you are.

You have been a tremedous inspiration and teacher for all of us; thank you for that.  So hope that you will continue to come to the Forums to lend your expertise and compassion, we will be thinking of you.

Soft hug and warmest of thoughts being sent your way from one daughter to another,

J.


MissHer
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 11:07 AM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2190


Tess

I'm glad to hear of your sweet mother's peaceful passing. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your dear mother , it hurts. Please enjoy the rest of your life , knowing, that you did such a wonderful job of caring for her. God Bless


dutiful deb
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 12:03 PM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1863


Tess,

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of your mom's passing over into her eternal home.  You will be in my prayers. Sending hugs your way.

Deb


jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 3:23 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17693


A sweet passing......much love sent your way


ladyzetta
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 4:05 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 534


Dear Tess,

I am sending warm Hugs your way. You are a very Loving Daughter and your Moher is at Peace now. Hugs Zetta 


Dahlke
Posted: Tuesday, October 15, 2019 9:46 PM
Joined: 7/6/2014
Posts: 1350


Hugs Tess, Glad your Mom is a rest.

Cynthia (Dahlke)


Tink4495
Posted: Wednesday, October 16, 2019 12:14 AM
Joined: 5/2/2014
Posts: 760


Tess,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet mom but so glad you were with her and she had a peaceful passing. You took the most amazing care of her which is so evident. She is smiling down on you as she enjoys her new Eternal life, free of this horrid disease. Sending you and your family my thoughts and prayers and may you find some peace during this difficult time.

Sending soft hugs


MPSunshine
Posted: Wednesday, October 16, 2019 6:17 AM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1966


Oh, Tess, Your mom, Terry, is peaceful now and can pray for all of us along with all our other departed souls. Heaven knows we all need their prayers! Good job being an exemplary daughter. You’re amazing. When I was looking for steady advice, I could read your posts. Steady Freddy, I called you in my mind. Forgiving and loving your mom, that’s Tess. I could count on you for that kind of advice. And, I feel sad for you and your family. I really do! I got attached to you and your mom. I do think your mom will like cavorting around with my dad and mom, and surely with your dad. I hope they all look out for us. Much love to you, Tess. Support is here when you need it. (And even when you don’t need it.) Here is a very soft tissue to dry any of your tears, if any are left to cry. Here is a soft hug to tell you everything will be okay, even if you don’t think you need a hug. Here is a friend to tell you whatever you say is acceptable. Grief brings out the best and worst in all of us. I’m here for you anytime you need a friend.  

 


i2i
Posted: Wednesday, October 16, 2019 7:48 AM
Joined: 8/12/2017
Posts: 227


Blessings for your mother's passage, and all the lovely care you provided.  Thank you also for being such a bright spot on these boards Tess.
His Daughter
Posted: Wednesday, October 16, 2019 11:25 AM
Joined: 6/25/2014
Posts: 2272


Dear Tess, 

    I'm so grateful for a peaceful passing of your dear mother.  Bless you for all your loving care.  None of this is easy, but you can hold your head high knowing you did everything possible to make her final years comfortable in the arms of her family. Your mother raised a wonderful woman.  

   If you need to talk, I'm here.  

His daughter Gail


Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, October 16, 2019 12:43 PM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 238


Dear Tess: 

May your beautiful mom rest in the sweetest peace.  I am so happy that it was such a peaceful transition for you both.  You should be so proud of yourself for lovingly taking such great care of her in her final years. God bless you both! 

No matter the reason it is so hard to lose our mom so please take good care of yourself.  Sending you a hug and lots of love.....

xoxoxoxox - Kat


Wgonzo
Posted: Wednesday, October 16, 2019 8:51 PM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 365


Tess,

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you in the days to come. Your dear mom has been set free from this disease and smiling from heaven to her loving daughter.

God bless you as you start a new journey.

Hugs, Wendy


BethL
Posted: Thursday, October 17, 2019 9:11 AM
Joined: 3/25/2015
Posts: 613


Tess, you are such a wonderful, caring, loving daughter. You and your husband showed great strength and patience in putting your life on hold to care for your dear mother. I hope and pray that you will find peace. I am sorry for your loss.
Last Dance
Posted: Friday, October 18, 2019 6:14 AM
Joined: 5/2/2013
Posts: 320


 Tess      I am so sorry for the lost of your mother. It was wonderful that her last days were peace full for all of you. You have been a blessing to your mother, and I am sure she knew that. Go forth and enjoy your life with no regrets you were a great loving daughter.God's Blessings to you and your family.    Richard

 

 

 

 


Eric L
Posted: Friday, October 18, 2019 11:04 AM
Joined: 12/5/2014
Posts: 1236


Tess,

My condolences. The grieving process for a LO with dementia is probably more difficult than anything else. You did a wonderful job taking care of your mother and you are an inspiration to all of us.

As I have learned in the last few weeks, that the "Cub Scout Motto" that I preach with my little Cub Scouts is also applicable in life. "Do your best". You certainly did your best with your Mom and I can assume you will do your best during the awful process of grieving.
Rockym
Posted: Thursday, October 24, 2019 9:20 AM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 907


Tess,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your love and care all these years will be part of your story and know that you were loving, caring and did your best.  Take some time to take care of yourself now.

Rocky


TessC
Posted: Thursday, October 24, 2019 1:25 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5004


Thank you all for your kind words of condolences and support. I appreciate each of you! Mom's funeral is this Saturday and I'll have to say good bye to her again! I want her service to be upbeat, so we will have a catered buffet immediately after the service and before the grave side committal service. 

You all have been so good to me- I have one last favor to ask-please pray for good weather in central Indiana this Saturday!



MissHer
Posted: Thursday, October 24, 2019 1:50 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2190


I pray that you have an uplifting service, with bright sunshine, and a beautiful reddish, orange, and golden trees to look at on the way to her resting place. (Actually, she is gone I know ) to the heavenly places) Amen
Army_Vet60
Posted: Thursday, October 24, 2019 4:36 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 469


Tess,

My condolences on the death of your mother.

Her suffering is over. It is a relief to hear that the non-responsive period was brief and peaceful for her.

Take as much time as you need, and use whatever resources are out there as needed, to start healing yourself. You're equally a victim of the disease. 


Skittles412
Posted: Friday, October 25, 2019 7:45 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 238


Tess I pray that there is sun and beautiful colors on Saturday;  a color for every wonderful memory you have of your beautiful mom before this disease took control. She is out of pain now and resting in sweet peace.

.As painful as funerals always are, I hope it allows you peace.

-xoxoxox I'll be thinking of you Saturday! <3 <3 

-Kat


Jo C.
Posted: Friday, October 25, 2019 3:24 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10316


Letting you know I am thinking of you, dear Tess.   Tomeorrow is the day and I so hope that we all sent central Indiana the message that the weather must be very good.

May this celebration and honoring of your mother's life be just the way you wanted it to be and that one and all feel the love and respect.

Soft hug being sent your way,

J.


TessC
Posted: Sunday, October 27, 2019 11:20 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5004


Thanks for your efforts friends, but the state cried for the loss of my mom, lol! We had buckets of rain and the wind drove that rain into the tent covering the open gave and seating area! I was not upset-seemed like a natural thing for it to be miserable on my mom's funeral. But the service was lovely and well attended. Gorgeous flowers from family and friends and the catered luncheon at the end of the service was delicious. I cried a lot, but it felt good and today-the day after-I was able to write thank you notes with a light heart.

 I'm doing ok and I intend to do what I have always told others in my shoes-take care of myself and look forward to the future. Naturally I will miss my mom and cry when I think too deeply about my loss and the pain of not having her with me, but she is in utter bliss right now being in the loving presence of God our Creator. I always felt good when she was doing well, and felt bad when she was doing bad. She must be feeling pretty great now, and so I will try to feel good too.


Jo C.
Posted: Monday, October 28, 2019 10:43 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10316


Oh my; I am sorry for the wet day, but the service sounds as though it was really lovely and all you wished it to be as well as the catered lunch being just right for those who attended the service. Great job, Tess.  You did your mother proud.

When my dear mother passed, I think my psyche dealt with the sorrow by having me put all energy and efforts into planning the service and catered lunch afterward.   It took over those first days and week getting the photos of her life for the big screen in the church, to arrange the music, the catered lunch, to do the programs which I wanted to be very personal, etc.  Of course, tears arising at times when least expected.

After the service and lunch which my mother would have loved if she could have seen it all, I began to decelerate.  I too wrote thank you notes and I have to smile at me; I even sent thank you notes for the kindness to those who sent sympathy cards.  Guess I was on a roll.

Then, it was over; all out of area folks were gone and it was quiet again. I then found that I felt very tired; rather like a balloon that the air had got out of.   It took awhile to rest the inner me.   Still tears at intervals and oh; how my heart missed her as our life used to be.  I still miss her, but the feelings are softer now.

I have admired and been inspired by you Ms. Tess for so long; I am really glad to find you still on the Forums offering your assistance with your experience and wisdom.  That is such a gift for others in need as well as generous of you; I so hope you do continue on that path.

Once again, a hug and very warmest of thoughts,

J.

 


Army_Vet60
Posted: Monday, October 28, 2019 12:31 PM
Joined: 6/21/2019
Posts: 469


Tess,

Crying is very healthy, so I'm glad you did a lot of it.

From your description of the weather, it sounds like TPTB loved your mother very much.


Last Dance
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 8:29 AM
Joined: 5/2/2013
Posts: 320


I was blessed the day I laid Linda to rest, was a bright sunny day in June not to hot just right. however I had a aunt that used to say rain on a grave makes for a happy soul maybe that was God's way of telling you that your mother was happy.
Unforgiven
Posted: Monday, November 4, 2019 5:08 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2622


I'm so sorry, Tess.  There are no words other than she left this world loved.  You are a very good daughter, and I hope you find comfort in that.
TessC
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 11:27 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5004


Thank you all. Mom was very much loved and knowing that has helped me a lot these past 3 weeks. It's been hard to get into a new routine but we are doing some things we never could before so there are little things to look forward. I think that helps the most-keep busy. Sadly cleaning house is not one of those things, lol! I think I'll need to get some of mom's sitters to come back and help me clean.

 DH is taking care of all the financial things that need to be done so me and my siblings can just grieve as we need to without thinking about those duties. I went through pictures and found some good one and framed them. I look at happy pictures daily, trying to remember her at better times and it's helping me. Also got some of mom's ashes and put them in a small urn for a little "shrine" I made for her. I intend to have fresh flowers there at all time when I am home.  Mom loved nature and flowers-pink being her favorite color.

 It's been surreal not having her with me in the flesh, but I still feel very close to her. She lived with me so long, that it seems natural to include her in my thoughts all the time. It's a good feeling and makes me happy to know she will always be in my heart.

 So far my recovery has been smooth and I hope it stays that way although I know there will be difficult times. Every holiday my mom would make fabulous food for the family-I'll miss her on New Years, Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I'll miss her on birthday, even my birthday!  But I look forward to missing her. Weird, I know, but to miss someone is to love someone and I sure love my mom.


Rockym
Posted: Thursday, November 7, 2019 9:03 AM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 907


Tess, I am 1.5 years out and I am still adjusting.  We all had such different experiences with our moms or LOs, but for me, looking back, I tell people I wouldn't change a thing.  Yes, I would have preferred her to not get ill, but I had her until 86 and my mom was so appreciative that I was there for her it of course made things a tad easier.

After mom passed, both she and my dad seemed to be "visiting" me often.  It was both creepy and exciting.  My brother passed 30+ years ago and after a ton of mistakes, the cemetery finally placed my mom's memorial.  It took over a year and I don't know why me, but it's finally done.  Mom, dad and my brother are gone and I am still sort of young.  Oh well.

Allow yourself to feel.  I used to go for a bike ride every morning and cry.  It felt good and helped with the stress.  The fact you have your DH and siblings is a blessing.  I was and still am very much on my own with my grief.  I did have close friends to listen so that has been a plus, but taking care of another person (not a child) for so many years simply takes time to fall into a new pattern.  It's so nice to hear how much you loved your mom.  Me too.  I find myself quoting both her and my dad often now.


TessC
Posted: Wednesday, November 20, 2019 5:08 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5004


Thanks for your reply Rockym and to the other's who wrote. It is sometime unbelievable to me that the world keeps turning as if nothing has happened when I feel such a shift in my world, but that is the nature of life. I think I am doing very well coping, but each toss of something mom used to use, or the closing of her bank acct or viewing an old card she sent me long ago, squeezes out fresh tears and makes my heart hurt. I had lunch with mom's caregiver today and we both had a good cry. It's nice to know other's care. I'm going to light a candle at her makeshift shrine now. It always brings a bittersweet smile to me...
Skittles412
Posted: Thursday, November 21, 2019 7:40 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 238


I understand exactly how you feel Tess. Even after almost a year and a half I still feel the fresh pain and sting of tears when something reminds me of her.  As time goes on I have found the occasion to smile when memories of her pop into my mind.  You will get there eventually.  For now, just roll with it.  All you can do is ride the wave until the current eases up on you.  Hang in there.

xoxoxoxo - Kat


Skittles412
Posted: Thursday, November 21, 2019 7:44 AM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 238


@Rockym: not only did our mothers die within days of each other; but they were the same exact age when they passed.  I didn't know that until reading this post.  How coincidental.
Rockym
Posted: Tuesday, November 26, 2019 8:19 AM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 907


Hi Kat and Everyone,

I was just wondering if your mom's spirit came around?  I suppose this sounds like a strange question, but if you recall both my mom and dad were constantly sending messages.  It got quiet for a bit, but these last few weeks my loving kitty of years passed.  I had to caregive for him for the last year as he had kidney disease.  It was almost as tough as caregiving for mom, just different.  It seemed like mom popped back in during this time.

Anyway, I recall I had a post about this way back so when you mentioned our mom's passing I think within days of each other and being the same age, well...

Hope everyone is well.


jb crick
Posted: Tuesday, November 26, 2019 9:38 PM
Joined: 8/2/2016
Posts: 564


So sorry to hear of your moms' passing. I hope you find comfort in knowing that her passing was peaceful. Blessing to you and your family.  John
TessC
Posted: Wednesday, November 27, 2019 2:37 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5004


Rocky, so far I have not had a feeling of a visit from my mom, except the feeling to not be too sad for too long because mom is happy now. I know she always prayed for us kids' health and happiness whenever she said a prayer-so I know she still cares for us and is looking after us if she can. That's what good mothers do, even as they live their lives and probably even in death.