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broken spirit and the long climb out of the dumps
Posted: Friday, August 3, 2018 9:58 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3556

I hope I don't lose this while typing.

Got a wedding invitation from a favorite nephew but can not attend. Have been waiting 2 years for the builder I liked to redo the house siding - I have tried to find someone else and have been told "NO!" like the companies around here are refusing because it is me. That might not be true, always paid on time, made it easy for anyone who did work for us but it feels personal.

whether or not the feeling of being disrespected, or pranked, or shunned is based on reality doesn't even matter anymore. so Keeper (husband) is taking on task of finding another siding place and when he does he gets worked up and tense. If I try to find another company I get worked up and tense.

Have been discouraged and ignored by the 2 women  who wanted to be  "friends" until now I don't respond to messages of I'll see you in a couple days" over and over and never showing up - but I get tense and try to clean  living room thinking they will come, then the let down is traumatic. My reactions are amplified.

Hard to be out of bed anymore, and my expectations are so low it is an achievement for anyone to still disappoint. Rejection - is it? Does it matter?

Concentrating on being kind to Keeper and dog. 

Still every day I wonder why my DIL treats me like I am an invasive species and is there anything I can do to heal that? I know when we visited years ago we would arrive at their house in crazy states - my son was told by a counselor I had Borderline Personality Disorder and they had books about cutting off the offending person which seems to be  why she avoids eye contact when I went west to visit and slips in insults (?) always making sure I know my place (?).

How do I know if I am misinterpreting (3 minutes to spell that) everything or if these are clear signs of toxic people for me?

some days I feel like I am watching a slide show of lifetime abuse highlights which may be PTSD on ALZ, and if it is what can I do?

I don't have access to Purple Kush cannabis which instantly ended these mental parades. I have no way to finish anything, can not clean the bathroom anymore but I  can stare at it.

I type now only because of cbd oil. Having a hard time getting a grip on this is end of my life, it belongs to me, I can be at peace until the end if I make that my No. 1 priority.

Healing old wounds is not even on most people's mind it seems but it at top of my list, so when I attempt to make peace I am just further marginalized. The suffering in my heart makes me shake, become sleep deprived, weaker.

How many people are there in your life you can trust? you can depend on? if there is 1 we are lucky! I trust my husband, my ex-husband, my daughter, and an old friend dying in California. 

Maybe my biggest road block at this point is not letting go of past memories, maybe it is something else. The days get shorter, my fear of winter builds on an 80 degree summer day.

I have quit social media and emailing other people as it turns south fast and then weeks to recover from perceived insults and attacks. My priest counseled me to not speak unless it is from love and kindness. Keeper and I have been able to do this with each other - out of urgent necessity! - and my not being able to do this randomly feels like a failure.

How do I lower my expectations for myself? Is that the remedy? My doctor said I should "use the ativan!" but then I feel weaker for days after a half tablet.

Hospice has a chaplain and Keeper is going to invite him over to talk to  me about this.

**** the wedding is being held at my brother's house and my sister may be there too. They team up to degrade me so I am not attending.

having a Good Cry but I wish I knew what I am crying about.

Posted: Friday, August 3, 2018 11:01 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3556

signing off I remembered this was what I wanted to share above:

when my mind is racing with thoughts of past stuff or future fears there is nothing I can do with my will power to soothe it. It goes on and on, is easily triggered.

If I can not change my thoughts I have usually been able to change my heart, and once I open my heart and/or to speak to someone from an open heart with no malice or demands, things do calm down.

the purple kush stopped rages because it opened my heart which quieted my mind. Trying to live from the heart now instead of brain/mind - so my helpful hint is when in a disagreement, even if it is hours or days later, if you feel in your heart for peace and understanding you may be able to express this in words, and often just a silent loving gaze works just as well to end the tension.

speak from the heart, feel from the heart. when words fail...when words are unnecessary. My daughter does this in crisis, she sits, looks into my eyes, sometimes holds my hands, and just loves me.

Amor Fati
Posted: Saturday, August 4, 2018 10:20 AM
Joined: 1/9/2016
Posts: 85

Dear Alz+, thank you so much for these posts, as well as all the others you have written over the years. I treasure them all. You light up the path for so many of us, your love for everyone shines through every day. You are and always will be a precious human being, full of compassion and goodwill. People who hurt you, release them, they are doing the best they can. Bask in the love of the people who care about you--you are well loved, you show us a life well lived. Blessings to you, dear friend. Life is good, even now.

PS. I tried to reach you several times via email. Maybe you cannot do email any more? Be well.

Posted: Sunday, August 5, 2018 8:55 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4406


Deep breaths, staring at something beautiful in nature. You are so far away from being a failure!


Posted: Tuesday, August 7, 2018 9:29 AM
Joined: 4/2/2015
Posts: 45


I so felt your pain in your post.

You are so, so special and never forget that.  

Lowering expectations, yes I know that feeling.  It keeps the pain down.

Reactions magnified, yes and then I try to apologize because it is usually toward my DH.

The pain is very real even if not justified to anyone else.  I actually hid from DH this past week end because I couldn't take it anymore.  

I don't know what the purple kush is but if it helps, take it!!!

Please get out of bed, today is another day and I will rejoice and be glad in it.  

Thank you for your honesty of your feelings.  They matter.

You matter and know that You are loved!!!




Posted: Tuesday, August 7, 2018 1:33 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18541

sending love...
Posted: Wednesday, August 8, 2018 8:09 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4406

((((((((((((((((((Alz+)))))))))))))))))))))) huge big hug's!
Posted: Wednesday, August 8, 2018 4:42 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18541

thinking of  you...