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Alz or other dementia in people with ptsd
alz+
Posted: Sunday, September 23, 2018 11:04 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


I made my Me, Too statement to public last week and many friends from high school, who I reconnected with despite my failed attempt to attend 50th class reunion last year through facebook and email, responded with overwhelming support and understanding. For first time in my life I was ready and open to accept such support and love because I have lost the shame I carried for what others did to me.

Right now my dementia experience is changing into a more withdrawn world and in some ways, although frightening at times, it is transformative.  For hours I wander among memories as real as when they happened. Last night Keeper and I were sitting together talking about the profound experience of telling my story and having friends from high school comfort me and share their own stories.

My life has been a trail of seriously difficult events since I was very young and have not had much emotional support, or known how to receive such support. Recently someone I had been writing to thru emails kind of let me know I was too _____ and stopped responding. I felt shame about this and that heartbreak opened the flood gates as things transpired on TV about a woman coming forward. I took in how she has been treated and it brought up the trauma of my past like virtual reality.

If there was anything left for me to make peace with it was SHAME put on me by my family, society, men in power,  doctors and police. Before I am unable to right any wrongs, I wanted alone time to lose the shame. Coming out with a 10% version of abuse I have endured over my life resulted in my old friends swarming in, each with a deep loving response and a few with stories of their own. Everyone said they "would never have guessed" but all believed me. Scrubbing the dirt off me, erasing guilt, holding out a hand.

No one in my family ever said one word of sympathy or gave me any compassion when I was finally diagnosed, and they used my prior wrong diagnoses as evidence I was "just nuts". Then they had me banned from receiving information on the estate and proceeded to screw me financially. I cut them off but I still had recurrent bouts of reliving the many  life long abuse I received from them.

I have no regrets now about telling my truth and I give zero ----s about cutting them off.

****

My point here is I think ALZ gave me courage to lose the shame and to stop protecting everyone around me from what they have done to make my life harder. I was having experiences where I have total recollection of repeated abuse episodes from infancy to present day, reliving them not just as thoughts, memories, but acting them out physically in some dimension. 

When I was telling husband about this mystical experience last night I felt I was holding every image of myself from infant to young woman to young mother to hard working woman to now at the same time. I was mothering all those people I  was in the time of Now. He said in our spiritual tradition reuniting with split off self is called Becoming Whole. It feels just like that.

I forgave myself for being "reckless" "adventuress" "stupid" "naive" "unlovable"and for not fighting back.  I use my spiritual traditions to ask for healing and trusting to open up and letting it come, but this time with love and tenderness, and it has been a profound healing.

I consider this my last bucket list wish fulfilled.

*****

There are - for me - aspects of brain changes which are miraculous.

I have not been in the military so I do not know the trauma soldiers feel, but I know now how many people are suffering in silence, and how that sensitivity without brakes can erupt. It can have a person put on anti psychotics or worse, often that is when people are shoveled away from home.

To be with someone who is reliving old traumas - which I suspect happens a lot with ALZ - is difficult,  with my Dad I just was present and quiet, which may have been what he wanted. Not a bunch of advice or comfort, just believing him and crying with  him.

I feel a strength inside which I never had before. I believe how we look at this condition will determine how rough the process will be, and that learning to leave our shame might be key to handling ptsd experiences so that there is some kind of end of the suffering.

*****

For all the other people out there with wounded souls and unhealed trauma, I send my love and wish you courage.

(I worked on this and hope it makes sense)






jfkoc
Posted: Sunday, September 23, 2018 11:25 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17566


Thank you for trusting us.

I do not think that I am Me Too so can not feel what you are feeling but my heart still hurts. It hurts for all of the Me Toos and I wonder how many I know...casual friends....close friends. My sister is one and also an everyday friend.

We are living in a memorable time. A time to be strong and move fearlessly together for change.

 


llee08032
Posted: Monday, September 24, 2018 8:01 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4406


I honor, respect and admire your courage along with all the women coming forward in the Me Too movement! My prayers are that this historical time will have a lasting impact on the future of our sisters, mothers, daughters, granddaughters and all the baby girls around the world.  

You made my day today, as I've been saddened by some of the women who claim disbelief and made this about politics vs what's it's really about and that is sisterhood. In doing so they are ignoring what has permeated the lives of gazillions of women for years. I've never cared for women who cannot stick up for other women. 

Peace be and stay with you my friend and sister.