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incredible fatigue and intense despair out of blue
alz+
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2019 12:04 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


Slept 8 hours last night, just one time up to let dog out, thought it would be a "good day" because of the sleep but instead felt like a wall of water of despair crashed on top of me as soon as I got out of bed.

What is this? Forced myself to walk dog "to corner" and could not turn back, walked her the mile loop up and down hills in tears and yelling to myself, trudging, each step forced. bizarre

The idea of me waiting for anything causes me high anxiety and distress.  I can't take in waiting months for someone to come take over. I don't want to call people for ride to grocery, or go into grocery, or cook, or manage anything. My divorce is in 2 weeks or less, need ride to lawyer for pre court visit and a ride to court for divorce. stressed about what will happen in court. 

 in limbo, every day trying to figure out how to wash clothes out west - there is no washer in that house and I have problems that mean I wash sheets and clothes a couple times a week. The changes being made in the house I am supposed to live at HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I ASKED FOR or would benefit me  The place on covered porch where I sat alone and put a table last spring to "do art projects" has been changed into some kind of outdoor shed. My one place to be alone is already removed. Everyone means well.

Keeper said to send an email telling them what I hope for, I did. no response. I give up.

 yesterday my favorite nephew called me after years of no talking. He sounded like he had been drinking. He wants to come visit. We were outsiders in the larger family and both socked with despair and eternal grief and stuff, had been very close. I yelled at him. I told him to not to show up drunk at my house. I said things about his father. It was stunning to me because inside I was having memories of our talks parked in shade by lakes, our alone time when I would visit the family and we would reconnect.  I was rude and cold. WTF?!!!

I texted him today and apologized, said text only or email in future. He wrote back, "I understand". I feel awful about it.

Then got call this morning from father of my kids, he is in despair, overwhelmed by a carpenter at his house making changes he doesn't need or want, supposed to be for "me"- anxiety ridden as we both WAIT to see what comes next. Our kids are wonderful deeply feeling people but they are clueless. Neither of us could say what benefit there will be for either of us or them. He was being open and I yelled at him how he rejected me once, I don't need it again which made him start crying. I hung up. I hate phones!!!!!

 now I sit in this house, exhausted, crying, dog hiding in basement trying to forget the whole thing. I don't think I can handle moving out there. I know I can't handle living alone here in this condition. I will not squander money on some nursing home that means prison time to me. Everything feels incredibly fragile right now.

I calmed down after smoking some indica and came to board to let it out. I doubt this move for all the effort and difficulty is going to be an improvement - but everyone else thinks so. I will not be "closer to my kids" as people say, one lives 275 miles south, the other 400 miles south. They can't drop in, they are putting 2 disabled people in one place and past that it is NOT what either my ex or I really want for ourselves.

it is all blowing up. Waiting. Planning. I do not want to be in either of those states anymore.  The past is still present, I carry such a heavy load from the past, on top of being in SURVIVAL mode on my own.

I don't know how to weigh things, I think I'll take a few days to just cry as I need to and forget all housekeeping etc. and not answer phone or emails. I fed birds and cat which means I am not suicidal, just distraught with no relief in sight.

*****

anyone else familiar with these avalanches of - mood change? sudden loss of stamina? 

as long as I don't have to SPEAK I am doing ok. when I have to speak my reserves are exhausted and I have no control over what I say.

no waiting. be in moment again.

need my friends my fellow travelers. I miss Bill.


Lane Simonian
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2019 1:20 PM
Joined: 12/12/2011
Posts: 4598


Too many things coming at you at once.  Maybe some can be pushed partially to the side at least for the time being, especially feelings of guilt.  I have not quite followed your children's plans--thought that you would be closer by.  Finding some kind of arrangement that is as good as possible for all but particularly for you seems like the most important thing to work on.  


jfkoc
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2019 1:38 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17525


Sooooooo  sorry. 

My take is that no one is listening to you and that too much is expected of you.

You have got to have someone who understands AD and has some idea of  what they are doing....what your needs are.

Would you let us reach out and find what is available in your area?

In the meantime you have all kinds of reasons to be upset about. How allowing yourself to be upset knowing that you will find your sea legs and knowing that we are standing right next to you and are sending you LOVE!


Iris L.
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2019 2:52 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16181


I don't quite understand what changes are going on in your ex's house; but I do know that you need to be certain about what your own needs are.  You need peace and quiet, you need food, and you need a place for your dog.  Everything else can be delegated and/or arranged.  Stay focused on your goals and on remaining calm.  You can manage if you go step-by-step, Alz+!

Iris


alz+
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2019 8:47 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


I see how long my post was, again, and thank anyone who read thru it.

Took day off yesterday, just let myself have feelings. The approaching court date for divorce is part of it, when ideas become reality, however lacking our marriage was we were together 16 years and saying goodbye to a lousy husband but good friend feels like admitting to mortality.

Also canning hospice nurse - thought she would help me on letting go, handle new symptoms and stuff but I never found anything she did helpful.

so the house out west needs work for safety and putting in new heating system. It is 500 sq feet, I will have 130 sq ft room. Downsizing, selling, organizing, even "choosing my favorite stuff" is overwhelming.

Now when I am exhausted I still have to get dog out, same when I am there but at least a fenced yard.

Right now I am realizing this way of life is not sustainable and I need to live here hour by hour until the california house is not under construction and my room is ready. Could be months.

My kids dad called me again, getting me to go is like trying to get a feral cat into a trap. I am so cautious but there is no other alternative so I am going to focus on that. I am going to live out there and will adjust as best I can.

This is to find place to live out my days, with an old friend, it will be what it will be. If we can have some fun, great. If I am just hiding in a bedroom, great. It has to be to be about making those in charge comfortable being in charge. The illness is telling me GET HELP. 

My toes have curled under again, can not keep meds straight for me and dog, feel like I am walking under water - different. The swearing and stuff is what it is, it will cause me trouble, nothing I can do or I would.

Anyone else wake up different and know it? anyone else having emotional episodes?

I am feeling really exposed.




Mimi S.
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2019 11:16 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7035


Dear Alz+,

So many changes to deal with and doing so by yourself is more than you can manage. When i was moving several months ago I was lucky to have a granddaughter stay with me for a few months while it was happening. But then I  wasn't also finalizing a divorce.

The decision you made did sound for the best. Do try not to second guess yourself now. 

You have many friends on these boards rooting for you.


Iris L.
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2019 1:04 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16181


Alz+, I too have found professionals who supposedly work with seniors to be clueless as to what our needs are and how to help us without hurting.  It took me a long time to get over that feeling of professional betrayal, because as a professional myself, I trusted in their integrity and professionalism, and found it to be misplaced.  Live and learn.

You will find that you need far less than you think you need.  Whenever I am traveling, I thrive with far less than I have at home.  Why is this stuff still here?  I don't know.  I'm working on discarding.

Keep moving forward, Alz+!

Iris


jfkoc
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2019 1:57 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17525


This was posted in Musing today;

when s*** happens...

When Life burns. I walk. I crawl. I slither.

When Life burns. I moan during the day. I howl at night.

When Life burns. I stop. I wait patiently for the green light to go. And, then move on.

 Follow your path. Stay on your path. Move at your pace... Do what you need to do. When you need to do it. And how and why you need to do it.

This is part of Life's walkabout. Try to maintain your courage to be. You will be okay, in due time.


Smilesyourway
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2019 11:01 PM
Joined: 1/11/2019
Posts: 70


Dear Alz+

I'm so sorry you are having a tough/rough time.  Those dang overwhelming days, hours, nights, minutes can be so debilitating and trick us into thinking that we've had a a disease decline.  At least I've tricked myself into thinking that......then I do something I like or that helps such as listening to a guided meditation, playing with my pooch.  Checking out for the day, like you mentioned in your second post. 

Wow talk about having your plate full.  Did you get at least a little satisfaction of firing the non helpful nursing care person? 

Yes emotional ...episodes are awful.  I had one at the grocery store the other day.  Searching for flipping panko.  As I went up and down aisles, my mind raced more and more until I was twisted into a knot.  I could't think,..panic set in.......the aisle closed in like tunnels.  So many items, so lost in the store.  Just writing about it gives me anxiety. 

Keep your chin up and press.  If I lived there, Id be right there in court with you and help you pack up your treasures for moving later. 

 

Hugs,

 

Smiles


Jo C.
Posted: Wednesday, February 13, 2019 12:52 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10195


Dearest alz+; I hear you and I am truly  sorry for the stress you are experiencing.   There is so much happening in so many ways, pretty much anyone would be feeling a bit of a meltdown under the circumstances.

There is a writing that I rather like and I would like to share that with you, it was written by the author, Ann Perry:

**************************************************************************

 

 "Take each day at a time, cling onto the faith of your own worth and build on it, no matter how slowly or how little each step.   You cannot go backward; have the courage to move forward well.    At the end of each day, praise yourself for that, and then let go.  Rest and hope.  Never let go of hope."

  

 *************************************************************************

Onto practical matters:   Your feelings about the divorce are understandable.   Since separating from Mr. Keeper, you and he appear to have developed an easy friendship once the stresses of the troubled marriage had been put behind both of you.    This friendship can still be there after the formality of the divorce is processed.  He is still who he is, and you are still who you are, and the friendship truce can continue even though there is a piece of paper indicating that the marriage is no longer.

I can also imagine that the thought of being in a court is a bit nerve wracking, but since there will be no contesting, your appearance is a mere formality.   Still; it can feel scary and again, any of us facing that would feel a bit jangled.  It will be swift and of ease and be behind you without difficulty.  Your attorney will do any speaking for you and will be your support; he is there for you and on your behalf.  You can do this and you are safe. 

The stress of your cross country move is understandably another stressor.  What I remember though, is what you wrote about how much you enjoyed yourself when you took your long, extended vacation visit there last summer; you were so very happy, relaxed, and pleased with all you experienced.  That will still be there and is waiting for you.

Washer and dryer?  That can be addressed any time; perhaps if a small space, stackables, your daughter can be of great help in solving that issue.   Let the kids do it.  It is very good that the safety issues are already being addressed and that a new heating system is being put in; that is a very good start to ensure success over time and it is something you did not have to wrangle with yourself.

I am a bit concerned about your concern regarding taking your meds on schedule; one idea would be to have the doctor order Home Health, (not Hospice) where an RN can come out and put your meds in a pill organizer for you each week until you move.  When our minds are working on overload with SO much going on, it is not unusual to get off schedule with things.   I have had circumstances that overloaded me too, and I learned to write everything down with time, dates and cross off each thing as I got it done.

Alz+, do expect to feel unsettled about much of this, under the circumstances with all of what is happening, it is normal to feel unsettled; all of us would feel that.   Let yourself feel, but try not let yourself catastrophize.  One thing at a time, do not fester multiple things in a whirling mass; sometimes, and this is true, what we imagine can happen is far worse than what we finally experience in reality when the time comes.   Feelings can be uncomfortable, but they will pass; you will be safe.

It would be great if you could communicate with your daughter yourself. perhaps why there was no response was that they did not want to communicate with Mr. Keeper; you can ask for updates and let her know what your concerns are, she sounds like a lovely and caring person.  It would not matter if you did this by phone or by computer; whichever mode of communication is most comfortable for you would suffice.

 Please continue to come here and talk with us as much as you can; you know how much we care.  I just wish we could be there with you in person, but think of us near your shoulder, because we are there with you in spirit.

With the very warmest of thoughts being sent your way,

 J.


alz+
Posted: Wednesday, February 13, 2019 8:09 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


Having my friends here respond helped as it always does. Thank you all for variety of true things about living out life with this illness.

My son wrote to me and now I understand why and what things are going on out there.

The little house is being altered to eliminate one set of steep stairs outside as those steps are too hard for my ex to climb with groceries or anything, new steps from street are only 3 steps so easier.

New flooring going into whole house - it needs it, now they understand why I wanted waterproof floors and that will happen.

Running a gas line so we have gas heat for winters instead of wood, and installing gas heater.

The kitchen is now going to have open shelves and butcher block counters which makes using kitchen safer for the Old Man and me (he has one eye and upper cabinet doors hit his face at times. He is on blood thinners so any bruise or cut = month of recovery).

will have window that opens in bedroom so I can put an ac in window for summer.

Forgot the rest of stuff but the washer dryer thing is also being looked at.

This is upsetting the Old Man cause he is very anxious about things being altered in his house, nothing has been touched since he moved in 40 years ago.

I understand now that by moving, giving away my stuff, selling my house, I am admitting to myself this is terminal.

I wish I was 10% as cooperative as Bill has been about his Parkinson's. 

So, sigh, sigh, sigh. OK. I will cooperate more now. I also get to have my room painted before I get there and I have had the color I want in my purse for a year.

I did lose my outdoor art space. I have been planning to "do art" for 8 years and have yet to finish anything, or even start anything.

****

Old Man and I are texting every day and we are still in synch on most stuff and he said he will feel useful giving me some comfort which he did not do when we were married.

As for my Keeper who I am divorcing next week - he is showing more signs of breaking down as he realizes  he crossed lines and no going back, facing his future. 

****

yesterday was another blizzard and heavy snow drifting. I had to haul a very heavy wooden slab through waist deep snow to furnace vent to creates a shelter over the vent. Snow was within 3" of blocking it again. My dog said, "Nope" about breaking the trail this time. I got back there with a shovel and cleared around the vent and set up the board.

Then I could sleep in peace and I did.

****

Thank you for the comfort and excellent help! 

love and courage


jfkoc
Posted: Wednesday, February 13, 2019 10:11 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17525


always here.......
Smilesyourway
Posted: Wednesday, February 13, 2019 2:52 PM
Joined: 1/11/2019
Posts: 70


Oh you sound so much better today.  (Smile) cause we can!  The remodel sounds exciting and will be comfortable and lovely for you.  That's wonderful.  I live in Montana where it's cold and snowy as well.  I'm excited about April getter closer and closer.  April and May here are so beautiful as spring ebbs in.  It won't be long now.

Peace to all,

Smiles


Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, February 13, 2019 5:25 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16181


Having a fixed up home is a blessing!  It should be real nice for you, Alz+!

Iris