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Life
Wgonzo
Posted: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 8:04 AM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 364


Life, such a small word and yet it means so much. So, how is life going for you? That's a loaded question, Lol! 

It still feels like you're just trying to keep your head above water. And, then there are days that you go under. Living in Chicago the winter doesn't help. All you crave is comfort food and the couch!

There are days when you are just on auto-pilot. And, then life throws a curve ball or two or three all at once. Then you go into survival mode which sucks the energy right out of you. That's when you wish you could just push the pause button and fast forward. Living with this grief is challenging enough.

Don't know where I was going with this, but life is not dull.


LC hoping
Posted: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 2:02 PM
Joined: 2/25/2019
Posts: 11


Hello- I know I connected with you but I'm not sure how we talk back & forth to eachother. Can you help me? I need a friend
Wgonzo
Posted: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 2:40 PM
Joined: 1/8/2016
Posts: 364


Hi LC!

Go to inbox & compose then choose who you want to connect with and write an email. Hope that helps.


LC hoping
Posted: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 2:49 PM
Joined: 2/25/2019
Posts: 11


I'll try it-I hope I understand what to do
Skittles412
Posted: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 2:56 PM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 217


oh Wendy I totally get what you're saying.......one day you think you'll make it through without losing your sh*t and the next minute you're crying in your soup.  Anything but boring is right.

Hang in there my friend, sending you lots of love.

xoxoxox - Kat


dutiful deb
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2019 12:16 AM
Joined: 1/1/2012
Posts: 1844


Wendy, I agree! You articulated my own recent thoughts and feelings very well.

In December, seven months after Mom died, I got a whopping $46.00 and some change as a reimbursement from the money left in mom's "trust" account I had set up at her memory care unit. I held onto that darned check until today, when I finally took it to the bank.  Mom wasn't wealthy, but her finances were complicated, and finalizing everything when she passed away was a hurdle I tackled right away for two reasons. First, I had no choice, and second, I wanted to get the hard stuff done quickly.  Some things, like closing out accounts, had to wait, but those were done, too, except one account.  

Now, after all this time, here comes $46 to bring all the memories of that financial complication back. And, of course, because she had a Medicaid trust, anything left over or reimbursed after her death had to be sent back to the state.  I have never taken or used any of my mom's money for myself.  All of her income went into her care.  My brother made so many over-the-top accusations against me,  although he contributed nothing to Mom's care. He felt entitled to Mom's money and held a grudge because her income went for her care instead of being left to him.  When I got that check, my care-for-mom mode kicked in, and that need to protect both of us from his damage rose to the surface.  I don't even want her final $46, and I don't want any financial issues hanging over my head. I deposited that check today into the state account. They can have it. Sounds weird, but I'm glad I did it. I feel a total sense of relief over having done away with this small amount of money, and I hope they will allow me to close that account at last. The state had told me I was not allowed to do so until all money from Mom's estate had been submitted, and now I guess it has. 

I never thought a small pittance of check could bring out these feelings, and I would not have thought it could bring any kind of closure, but it has, at least for this part of things.  Right now it feels like my experience of caring for Mom and how it changed me and transformed my relationship with her will never quite be closed, like a tiny wound that never really heals. The bank accounts can close, the brother-trouble will cease, and my care of Mom, even after her death, will end, but the experience and memories will always be there. 

 


Rockym
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2019 8:55 AM
Joined: 1/17/2016
Posts: 886


Wow Deb, I know all those feelings well.  My brother passed 30+ years ago and it was only me taking care of mom.  Yesterday would have been my brother's 57th birthday and I tried to feel him around.  I can't say it happened, but I wondered if now my mom, dad and brother are all together.  I am not religious, but yesterday I was watching a TV show where the mother was on her last days dying and it was just like my mom's last days.  I didn't fall apart, but began to wonder.

I have been in the process of finalizing my mom's headstone for months.  First I had to write something, then I had to pick an emblem, then I had to choose a font.  The whole process hurts and it is more like I am coming to an end after almost a year.  I held on to my mother's home all these years and after paying the property taxes yesterday, I sort of felt like it may be the last one.  I feel ready to sell.  It was my childhood home and I cleared most of the stuff out years ago.  It made no sense to sell when I brought my mom here as she didn't need the money, I didn't need the money and I didn't want either of us to get hit on capital gains, so I held it, took care of it, visited with my daughter, etc.

It now feels like it's time.  Nobody can ever give us insight into the feelings of death of a LO and the closure as it unfolds.  This last year has been quite the ride.  The ups and downs, the love and the loneliness have all added to my bag of tricks.  I am only 54 and I feel way too young to have no immediate family left.  I have a husband of 30+ years and two terrific kids who my mother and father both got to see, but sometimes I can only think of the cemetery and the three graves that are there side by side.

The last visit to my childhood home was last October with my daughter.  We went to the cemetery and I even posted about the visit.  My dad came to me, my mom came to me and my daughter and I were left with some wild stories.  My dad passed after a quick diagnosis of cancer and my mom lived many more years.  Both had good lives.  My brother left too soon, but he did everything he was meant to do in his 26 years.  So what happens now?  I move forward as mom and dad did after my brother died and mom did after dad died.  I don't know where I am going with this post, but I still pop back in here to help on the other threads because my story with mom may help others.  Life.

 


Skittles412
Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2019 12:35 PM
Joined: 5/14/2018
Posts: 217


Rocky I feel the same way you do. I feel like if any of my experiences can help someone then I should stay involved and share them.  I also like to talk with you all who understand and have been where I am today. I've had one very real visit from my mother but nothing since.  I wonder; is that all I'll get?  Today is the 9 month anniversary of my mother's death. I hope she will come see me again. I miss her more than I could ever express.  Sending love to all who need it.

xoxoxoxo - Kat


Tink4495
Posted: Tuesday, March 12, 2019 10:31 PM
Joined: 5/2/2014
Posts: 750


3 years and almost 5 months since mom passed I miss her just as much and think about her everyday. Some days are still better than others. I have one older brother left but he lives in another state and we don't see each other very often. I too feel like an orphan at 54 and it sucks. Hang in there everyone and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Remember to always find some joy in everyday when you can. Our loved ones know how much we did for them and how much we loved them. Remember and cherish all the good times and be thankful we had the incredible relationships we had with them. This is what keeps me going. Sending hugs and good thoughts to you all.
AmyJo5
Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2019 9:17 PM
Joined: 7/28/2017
Posts: 176


Thank you, Rocky. I know that in my process I recall my own mother mourning hers, and how my mom mourned my Dad, and her Dad, and on it goes. It's my turn now to wear that mantle: I wonder if they see me doing it and know that I now understand.
AmyJo5
Posted: Wednesday, March 13, 2019 9:24 PM
Joined: 7/28/2017
Posts: 176


Hi Wgonzo,

I too owe you a private message: I so appreciate how you reach out and connect. I appreciate how you share your experiences, what you are going through, how you describe what you feel. On the worst days for me it feels like post surgical pain: part of an organ removed and no pain med. I am learning to accept that and say no, sometimes I can't work through it, so I'll hold my dog and lose myself in a movie. That's my progress: oh crap, it's back, double over, hit the couch, watch a movie and rock and force the grumpy dog to let me love him.  He obliges. On we go. Soon four months, but time doesn't have any real sense of meaning except in its passing. In the spring I will fill the garden with her favorite flowers, maybe finding her (or a sign) while digging in the dirt. I'm a former Midwesterner so you have my sympathy 'bout the snow. My mom died in Wisconsin. She would have hated this winter.