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end of my time here on boards
alz+
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 10:17 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


Thank you all for all you have done for me since 2013.

This is a short time  left for me to do do a few things that have been on hold for many many years.

My son is here, my kids are doing all they can.

I did not want to say this goodbye but there is ongoing misinformation and I know some of my friends here might be deeply affected by what is happening to me.

I have "preached" a different approach to brain malfunction and esp "rages" and "being difficult".  Maybe it has helped some people.

this morning there was another eruption from Habib. It was hot, fast and cruel. He went outside for awhile and came back in and apologized to me.

My response: I opened my arms to him and let him weep. I said the things I long to hear when I erupt, "You didn't mean it. You are frightened. I understand. You have a thought and it comes out your mouth. I love you. We all love you. You can have your sanctuary back. We are looking for a place for me."

there is a family joke from a movie about 2 stoner guys who are in a van and the driver says, "Whoa the brakes failed! No point steering now eh?"

He said "I can't believe you said that to me."

And I said, "No point steering now. Forgive yourself. Our brains don't work. Neither of us is malicious." I held him while he sobbed, and then he held me.

**********

This is my being: what you believe is who you are whatever happens. Even if I lose every home I have to the end of my life I refuse to be cruel, I forgive myself for "not behaving better". 

I am not coming back to read goodbyes. I have cut off social media. This is my alone time and I am looking forward to whatever comes, it is all a highway home.

Love and courage to everyone



ladyzetta
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 12:43 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 524


Dear alz+

I am not saying goodbye because I am hopeing when you feel better about things you will come back There are a lot of people out here that care about you.

I have read a lot of your post and you as well of others have helped me thru the tuff times when my DH was alive and we were dealing with his dementia.

As you know alot of us say things that may not be understood as we met it so please ignore the misinformation and take this into consideration.

I think I understand how you feel and I do care. I left you a mesg the other day that I think might have gotten buried so you may not have seen it. Please let me know if you would like to talk to me thru (Connections).

I am sure everyone means well. Hugs to You Zetta   


MissHer
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 2:27 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 2186


ALZ

I hate to see you go because many of us (quiet) folks care about you. If you don't come back I want you to know that your help with my caregiving was priceless.

 Much love

 Deb


Iris L.
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 2:41 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16200


Dear Alz+, I am sailing on the Nile, away from Cairo.  Here there is spotty 2G WiFi and spotty cellular service.  I am sick about reading what is happening to you.  Caregiving is a calling that requires much from both parties.    I don't like for you to feel you must leave the boards.  This is supposed to be your support system.

You have been a blessing to those who come here.  I will try to contact you privately after I return to the U.S.

IIris


Unforgiven
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 4:42 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2616


That was a beautiful moment between you and Habib, Alz.
Birdies
Posted: Tuesday, November 5, 2019 11:15 PM
Joined: 7/3/2018
Posts: 60


Alz+ 

You have given me so much to think about with our journey with my dear Mom.  Your generosity and grace on this board are unparalleled.  I hope you get your clean, safe, simple and cozy space that you and your dog so well deserve.  I know you will be in all our thoughts.  I will miss you.  


MPSunshine
Posted: Wednesday, November 6, 2019 6:35 PM
Joined: 5/21/2016
Posts: 1959


Love you so much alz+. Praying for your safety, serenity and peace every day with my “coffee with God” every morning. Hugs and love and always courage. You will know the right step forward, or, to give acceptance rather than take that step. You will know. Don’t worry about love. Love is all there is. Love. Love. Love.
Canada111
Posted: Thursday, November 14, 2019 4:34 PM
Joined: 8/22/2016
Posts: 263


She just posted and then deleted her post. Did anyone else see it?
Unforgiven
Posted: Thursday, November 14, 2019 4:48 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2616


No, I had some family drama of my own and missed it.  I seriously hope she is okay.
Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 7:09 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2680


Yes, and she also addressed the false accusations about her. And one still wonders why a person would not want to be here. One needs a thick skin to be here. 
Unforgiven
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 9:33 AM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2616


Which false accusation?  I do wish the post had remained in view, because I care very much about Alz and how she is doing.
ladyzetta
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 2:43 PM
Joined: 2/16/2017
Posts: 524


One should not have to have a thick skin to be here. They are coming here for help. Those of us that are here to help need to understand that and not put people down. We need to try to understand them and help make their life easier.
Canada111
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 4:05 PM
Joined: 8/22/2016
Posts: 263


Everyone goes off the rails sometimes, especially PWD but it happens on the Spouse forum quite often too, as those of you who read that forum know. All of us are dealing with fear, doubt and still push on. People who come back agree to disagree, and can still be caring.  Everybody who comes to these forums are in need of support. Some are better at giving support. It’s not about needing a thick skin to be here. It’s about turning a corner and not holding grievances. I think it’s called “turning the other cheek”.  I’ve been in touch with Alz+. I think and hope she’s okay. Glad I reached out to her.
Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 5:28 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2680


Please don’t minimize what I feel. Some of the words I use are not mine but from others who have expressed their concern to me. I do a lot to help others not only personally but with resources and financially. I do not just talk about it.  I am not sure ALZ+ is in a good place but she is just surving at this point. I know she may not appreciate me saying that but I also know she knows I would tell the truth.  I wish and pray for the best for her, her family and dog. 


jfkoc
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 6:06 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17569


When one of you is next in touch with alz+ will you please tell her she is in my thoughts everyday.
Canada111
Posted: Friday, November 15, 2019 7:36 PM
Joined: 8/22/2016
Posts: 263


Hi jfkoc, I told her she’s in your thoughts and sent her your love. She’s back in the same house and her dog is there too. We’ve been commiserating about our symptoms which are different. Anxiety is the one we both have. I think that it’s the hallmark of these dis-eases.
jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 10:45 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17569


Thank you......

I think the two of you are a strong support system.

BTW.....she is an artist too


a_step@a_time
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 8:19 AM
Joined: 11/21/2015
Posts: 235


OOhh, it has been awhile since I have posted. I am so disheartened to see this post from ALZ+

She has been so much help for me and others. We need PWD to keep sharing. We need the real stories of persistence and survival.

Hugs (((ALZ+)))! You will be greatly missed.

Thank you for all you have done here! 

Love and light!


a_step@a_time
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 8:20 AM
Joined: 11/21/2015
Posts: 235


Tear tear sniff sniff