RSS Feed Print
having breakdown want to rant
alz+
Posted: Thursday, October 18, 2018 10:44 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


Last summer I saw a sag in highest section of new roof put on last year. I thought I was done with the roof problems, thought I had prevented more problems in house.

The roofer said he would come look at it and didn't show up, 4 times in one week. Can not find anyone else, neighbor gave me name of someone he knows. He came over last night and said he would be here at 9am today. he didn't show. I texted him, he said he told me TOMORROW. did he? I'm not sure.

there are 2 days of nice weather, if it is not fixed fast I am thinking I have to abandon my home. I can not be in charge of this kind of stuff anymore. I don't want to be in charge of anything anymore.

My dog had to pee at 5am 3 days ago, I went out with her and filled bird feeder and in 3 minutes she was gone. I went out in dark (night blind and no flashlight that works) looking for her.  Gave up, came home. She came back later, I let her in and went to bed. In morning I found she had a huge chunk bitten out of her face. Keeper was here and took her to vet, she had surgery, turns out it was a dog that lives at corner.

Now I am up all night making sure she does not scratch out stitches and she was screwed up from intense antibiotics, vomited all over living room this morning. I called vet, they said no more antibiotics will call me tomorrow.

"call me" words that make me frantic. I hate talking to people and on phones is the worst.

Keeper is taking his time moving out. He has been very polite and cautious but I wanted him gone weeks ago. Lucky he was here for dog but it just shows me I probably have to sell my house.

I have no where I want to go or be. Having breakdown. Now a guy texted me he will come late today and tell me what is wrong with roof but he can't fix it until Sunday. Sunday it is going to snow.

what is a Sunday? what is Today? It feels right now like I will NEVER have time to myself. My kids are revving up to have me live in some apartment or have person "checking on me daily".

this was all I wanted out of end of life, time alone in peace in my own home. It can't happen because snow coming will prevent me from fixing stuff and I can't be in charge of it anyway.

The cbd oil gives me ability to push through a lot of stuff but I don't want to push thru anything anymore.

an old friend in California got pneumonia and did not tell anyone and died at home. My ex husband found him. My daughter held a memorial service, I could not go of course.

I never even got a week off this summer. Keeper and I bought a nice car (another me driven thing) and he put it in ditch and had wrecked my Jeep. Now he leaves with car and I have broken Jeep in driveway. It won't start, the driver door is bashed in. Even if I could have it towed to a repair place - I don't want to be in charge of that.

If I had not filed for divorce we would have fought like crazy and the thought of being around a hot temper all winter would have landed one or both of us in jail.

I do not see any place or way for me to have a home of my own and a few months of peace. I don't see a future for me except being overwhelmed.

On verge of giving up. My whole life has been rescuing people who can't / won't do anything for me. I wanted a few freaking months to myself. Heartbroken and angry.

Hospice nurse is sending my daughter signals to "put me somewhere" after she said I certainly could live on my own. I trust no one, want to speak to no one, my end of life book down the toilet, everything collapsing.

I jumped off a cliff. I don't want to rally. I don't want to press on.

Watched a PBS documentary "God Knows Where I am" about a woman with mental illness who lives in an empty unheated house and keeps a diary of how she waited for someone to rescue her but no one came. I felt the way it was filmed described and showed a life very much like how I feel Alz affects me.

Not going to be put some place. I can't stand people. I don't want to spend thousands on that when I never even got a vacation from life.

The dog. The guy who owns the dog who attacked her came over, paid her surgery bills, promised it "won't happen again." His grandma had ALZ and he seemed to have good intentions but I do not trust anyone.

at end of my rope. Came here to say I don't know what is next for me but it is not going to be more of the same. I am abandoning ship.


Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Thursday, October 18, 2018 12:15 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2582


I am so sorry you have to deal with all this on your own. 


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, October 18, 2018 4:25 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


In our condition, we are not in a position to be in charge of things.  We can make decisions but others have to carry them out.  I am in the process of releasing my obligations.  


I have a suggestion.  You might consider a board and care situation, also called an adult foster home.  This is a private home with up to six senior residents which provides meals and housekeeping in a local neighborhood.  You might find one in which you can live out your life.  You will be around other people for safety, but you will have a degree of independence.  Otherwise, you could move in with your daughter or near your daughter.  


Stay strong.  Don't make any rash decisions, Alz+.


Iris L.


Misssy2
Posted: Thursday, October 18, 2018 4:59 PM
Joined: 12/14/2017
Posts: 1714


alz+

You are a very good writer....and I know exactly how you feel....I am not going to type out my feelings because this is about you.....and I want you to pull thru this "nervous breakdown" and RALLY....Catch your breath...

It sounds like no one is there to give you a reprieve I do have people that help....although I always feel never enough cause like you said I want nothing to do with anything....

 

I really hope you can find a day where you can have no responsibilities...or check yourself into the hospital for a respite...I WANT to do that....but I feel like I can't.....

 

Just wanted to let you know I am listening and hearing what you are saying...and all I know how to do is really say a prayer...not strong religious...but that is all that is left I think..

 


Jo C.
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2018 4:56 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10171


Dear Alz+, I hear you and I am sorry for what you are feeling and experiencing.  This is no small thing.

All the changes in your life and home are bound to cause feelings of  being out of control and may even cause significant anxiety; this may well be part of the process of those big changes, but there also may well be helping hands if you are willing to reach out.   

 On the practical side of things, soft action can be taken to ask for assistance. 

What I think I hear is that you want to be at your own home, but that practical things needing attention are overwhelming right now.  This is understandable under the circumstances.

Being alone sounds peaceful but it can also feel like flying without a safety net.  We would all at first feel vulnerable, anxious and even a bit panicked in such a situation.

You have Hospice/Palliative Care.   One thing that could be done would be to make a call and ask for a Hospice Social Worker to assist in connecting you to helping services that can address your home's needs.  Some Senior Centers also have Social Workers who know of helpful volunteer entities that can assist in helping to get done what needs doing for seniors and the disabled.

There may well be a helpful volunteer entity that you are not aware of that can assign a person to assist you in getting connected to some of the repairs needing doing to the roof and to other fixes to your house and who can also oversee the process for you.   In many areas, there are volunteer groups that are dedicated to just such a service.   Worth making a call and exploring the possibility.

 It may also be that even if long distance, one of your adult children can also help get things in order for you and oversee the work from afar.

Iris's suggestion that even perhaps moving near one of the adult children is also something to think about.  Doesn't mean you have to do that, just think about the possibility.

Iris has also given some other helpful suggestions for other options that would be sustainable over time, and it is always good to give some consideration to all options no matter what even if they are not what you feel is a positive for yourself.  Ideas beget other ideas and thinking aboout all the options may lead to a very good solution. 

Right now, it is about your feelings and trying to gain equilibrium.   It may well be that seeing a physician you trust can be helpful in ruling out a physical issue that may be contributing to all of this including ruling out having one of those pesky UTIs you have experienced in the past, and also who may be able to provide a prescription that can be helpful in soothing the severity of the upset.

 Please do come and talk to us; we are here for you.   We will certainly be thinking of you and we truly do care.

 J.


Michael Ellenbogen
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2018 7:10 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2582


 I think Iris made a good suggestion. I know another lady who went down this path and she was a very independent person at one time and her kids threw her out of the home because her medication fell on the floor one day and she had a dog and child. She liked being there. Good luck on what ever you decide. Let me know if you need any help locating them. 


alz+
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2018 11:23 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


reading your responses - no words, felt the love and non judgment. no matter what happens to me, I have your support. There is no doubt getting divorced was right thing for me to do no matter what else. We are already more help to each  other apart and becoming best friends.

****

I have never had faith in things working out so this was wild decision for someone who has so little trust. I went from Buddhist mindfulness practice for 30 years to a spiritual path given me from this small church near me. My sister in walking this path has always said when I got upset or worried, "Have faith." I would say, "what does faith look like?"

Yesterday I tried to be kind to myself and not give up my single last wish, to be peaceful in ac lean house fora month or more and asked for help from the Universe, so to speak. Others may say I was yelling and cussing to the wind on back porch. "Show me faith! Make me believe I am not drowning..." blah blah blah loud blah.

A neighbor man I know because we walk our dogs on the hill had said he would help me this winter by shoveling snow from front door and from steps. I texted him about the roof leak even though he is away assisting his friend dying of brain cancer. He called a guy who works at the ski hill where I live, and that guy came to look at roof. I panicked that he didn't know what he was doing and texted another man who fixed some stuff for me before years ago. Even though he was booked up he came over and assessed the problem, told me what to tell the guy what to do, and said if it didn't work he would fix it. Refused money for coming over.

I'll try to not let this get long. 

Just saying yesterday and last night I ended up being soothed by 5 men thru texts, the dog neighbor, the 2 carpenters, the guy whose dog attacked my dog, and an old friend from california. This has never happened to me before, maybe I never needed help like yesterday, I don't know.

During the day I found out these men ALL had a grandma with Alzheimer's. All of them have a similar way of calming me. My worries blow up and get like Tsunami size fear and sense of helplessness. Each one recognized that anxious state and comforted me as if they knew exactly what to do - because they had done it before.

This weekend I am getting a wire fence in back yard so my dog can go potty like she does and not be able to run away so I  won't have to get dressed and put on boots twice a night in winter. I am having a better hand rail  put on front steps, my dead battery broken car is being towed to a garage, my husband went to exchange antibiotics for dog cause they made her throw up and be nuts and so that worked. Also the head of the tribe (I just remembered this) where I get cbd oil called me because he saw on FB how distressed I was over the dog injury and responsibility and offered help for anything, all winter, from one of the members.

what just happened? within a month of me being open about ptsd, sexual assaults, robberies, near drowning, family financial abuse and dropping the shame I felt as if responsible for it all, all this gentle love came to me from people I hardly know.

*****

a woman I have known casually since I moved here is going to drive me for groceries and a hair cut and clean for me all winter.

I am going to sweep leaves off front porch and bathe in sound of wind

*****

love and courage to every one on this path

thank you alz.org for having this board





Jo C.
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2018 12:44 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 10171


Really and truly beautiful.   Blessings by the basketful, so happy for you.

 J.


alz+
Posted: Saturday, October 20, 2018 12:06 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 3549


Jo c

adding Michael Ellenbogen to my list of men that day. Just him saying "If you need help with anything let me know" hits me because he has helped so many and I know he would help me - if I knew what I needed.

 love having the roof tight and finished properly. Home alone with dog so up at midnight puttering around (in bed).

 These guys are all 30 - 40 years old, like sons. I think I am kind of a winter project for them, to help the old lady with Alzheimer's have her dream.

 made myself "dinner" of frozen french fries and fish, except the "fish" were really some kind of stuffed cheese things. Oh sad. Getting some groceries tomorrow with lady friend, will make a large pot of soup and freeze half. Stove top I feel ok about, ovens are tricky.

I jumped off a cliff and am still kicking. Being able to rant let me go back and try again.

Love you all so much.


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, October 20, 2018 5:00 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16143


Sometimes it happens like that.  When we let go, things come around for us.  I'm glad people are coming around you, Alz+.


Iris L.


llee08032
Posted: Monday, October 22, 2018 7:19 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 4406


((((((Alz+)))))))))),

Hugs and Love to you.



jfkoc
Posted: Monday, October 22, 2018 1:32 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17438


your updates are so reinforcing of your decisions starting with  your big trip

 


obrien4j
Posted: Friday, October 26, 2018 10:21 PM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 449


How awesome, alz! Look how everything suddenly turned around for you. Can you send me your email again? I think it got deleted due to paranoia!